Why would he still want me in his life??

LegacyUser

Ok here is my story- I have been crazy about someone for the last 4 yrs. I'll call him D. We work in the same place and up to about 2 yrs ago we had a stop/start/stop/start relationship..we never really got it together - we kissed a couple of times and had one drunken night together and on the surface it seems like one of those things that just happens so you move on right? Well I can't. We both really liked each other and got chatting online during work a lot. We seemed to know each other so well for a year or so before we even kissed. It wasn't really flirting but I guess maybe guys and girls don't spend ages chatting to each other unless there is interest there, mostly we would joke and we seem to just know what each other was thinking.
About a year after our contact started (he was in a relationship during that 1st year btw) we were out one night with a group from work - we gravitated towards each other and out of the blue he kissed me. It was kinda surprising since I thought he was still in a relationship but it had ended so it was really nice. We met up a couple of nights later and had a great evening together and we kissed at the end of the night. The following wk we were at a work party where we both got really drunk and stayed the night together. The next morning he suggested we take work off and go to his place and hang out for the wkend but I was so hungover and feeling really awkward and was not really thinking right so I said I really wasn't sure and that I was gonna go home. I treated him like crap basically and he must have been kinda hurt because it was like I used him but it really wasn't like that. I just wasn't sure...
I was going away for about a wk after that and we weren't really in contact. Near the end of the time I texted him and told him that I would love to meet up. He said he couldn't as he is away now in Mayo- that is where is ex girlfriend lived.

Turns out she contacted him in the meantime and asked to give it another shot...so he did..so basically we didn't get off the ground. About a month or so after he asked me out again- things hadn't actually worked out with his Gf at all. But he wasn't ready to start anything yet...then he asked me to meet another time and I thought he was ready but it turned out he was just meeting me as friends..... (I got mad with him that night as he knew how I felt and still he asked me out knowing I would think he wanted to start something.) Then I met someone after a couple of months and I was trying to get D out of my mind when he calls me drunk telling me he was crazy about me and what the hell were we doing and we should just go away together and sort this out with each other. I told him there was no way I was going away with him as friends so unless he was sure it was more then it wasn't gonna happen. I asked him not to contact me as it was too hard for me.

Basically it didn't work out with the guy I was seeing and I found myself thinking of D so much. I contacted him and we were online chatting again like normal before. Unfortunately (for me) he had met someone and started a relationship with her. I had to be happy for him or act like I was because we weren't together right but I really cared for him so I just wanted to still be in contact with him anyway- even if it had to be just friends.
That was a year ago...he is still in a relationship but he's still always contacting me. Problem is he keeps bringing up stuff about the past and it was a shame it didn't work out. I have tried to stop contact with him so many times this last year i really have - by ignoring his messages or saying i was too busy etc..in the end I told him it was too hard for me as my feelings never changed. He admitted that he still got a bit of a wobble everytime he saw me.
I stopped contact again...or tried to...he keeps contacting me. Even just to say hi and see how I am..he knows how I feel and knows I find it hard...why does he keep contacting me? Does he just need a fix of my energy and to know I like him? I feel so pathetic....I just don't know why I can't get over him..it seems so silly I mean we didn't even have a proper relationship so why am I still so hooked. I am at the end of my tether now - I see him everyday and I just feel so sad knowing we can't be together but then I love when he contacts me..even though I know that ultimately I feel sh**e because he goes home to his gf...argghh...help....I know this is v. long post so if you got this far thanks a lot and if you also think I'm mad...please can you let me know...I think I'm gonna crack up!!

newtoboards

You're going to have to cut contact i'm afraid. It's not fair that he's using your feelings for him to boost his ego. Tell him very honestly you have feelings for him and him talking about having feelings for you and not doing anything about it is just not letting you move on. Tell him that you need to stop the contact so you can just get over him properly. Give him a chance to respond but be honest with him and then draw a line under this so to speak and move on

Denimgirl

So sorry your getting so headwrecked by all this!I was in a similar situation years ago with a guy I worked your with. What I advise you is to cut the cord with him,you are so right he is feeding off your energy and your building up his confidence!If he brings up he wishes he could turn back the clock stories, smile and say nothing,if he persists just be nice and say come on your in a relationship now your practically married then listen to what he says!never get into deep convos about you and him,end them first but always be polite and never say you have feelings for him coz your feeding his ego!I personally think he's no good for you or the girl he's seeing he sounds like he loves himself, I mean would you like to be with a guy that emails girls when your with him? and was he with another GF when you'se first got together!I know guys like him gorgeous, full of confidence and full of charm!they'll only have one love in their lives and thats themselves!stay away! your just bored coz you have nobody else to focus on at the moment and thats normal!concentrate on you and looking hot at all times !you won;t be single for long!xxx

LegacyUser

Thanks a million - ya I think cutting the cord is the only way but I've tried so often and get a weak day and either respond to him or contact him myself...

When we first got chatting (almost immediately after he started working in same place) he was in a relationship but that ended about a yr later before we had our first kiss...About his current gf- You're right I would hate to be her- i mean if I was in a relationship I wouldn't be spending so much time and energy on a "friendship/bullsh*t non definable semi -non-relationship..." or whatever you would call this f**kd up situation... and i would hate it if my bf was.
I know there is probably an element of being single and bored but even over the last few years when i was in and out of relationships/ flings he was always on my mind....(i wudn't mind but he isn't even my normal type!! lol) Arrgghhhh

Denimgirl

Charmers/players always have that thing about them that you can't put your finger on! and hard to get our of your system,chase is better than the catch!but they are everybodys but nobodys! believe me when you find a guy that loves the ground you walk on and you feel the same,you'll realise that this loser was'nt all that great! nice guys don't play head games!x

ash23

I was in a similar situation a couple of times where these guys I had been seeing didn't want relationships because of timing etc etc.

One I was seeing for 6 months and then he went abroad but kept contacting me every day. I really liked him but then found out he'd started a relationship abroad. He was still contacting me so I told him I wasn't comfortable being in contact with him, he was now in a relationship and it didn't feel right that we were chatting and flirting.
He persisted for a while, maybe a month or so, and I just reiterated my point every time. He eventually stopped contacting me and it's been over a year now since I heard from him which suits me as it made it much easier for me to move on.

LegacyUser

Ok I know I have to theoretically cut contact but how do you do this when you really like someone and you really like the contact that you have. Even though you know that it's not doing you any good??

He's not a b**ard, he's lovely and sensitive and caring. He holds me in high regard and remembers little things that are going on in my life and contacts me to see how they went or how I'm doing. I really think he values me in his life. I don't think I'm deluding myself - there is something there. It's not the typical...hot guy loves himself kinda thing. He is not the most confident person in the world he's quite humble and normal. So it makes it harder to cut contact. He is genuinely hurt or surprised whenever I tell him I can't keep this contact going. It's like a drug tho..to both of us I think - he can't quit it either. Why the hell not though? I guess if he was fulfilled in his relationship he wouldn't think twice about me. Or maybe he genuinely does see me as just a friend (but why bring up about the past and how it was such a shame how it didn't work out and how he regrets how he acted etc) I dunno.....any guys have any opinions on this?? Please would be good to get your feedback...positive or negative....

LegacyUser

i think you did give him chances. although your reaction of uncertainty after that night might have hurt him, but you did do the remedy by explaining yourself to him clearly. and i think he is clear about your feelings to him, yet, he does not break up with his current girlfriend to be with you. ok, maybe he is not intented to play games, but he does not like you enough to start a proper relationship with you.

come on, he knows your feelings, but he still holds himself from you, he does not like you very much. he may not be a bad guy, but he is not treating you in way that is good to you. if he cant give you what you need, he should leave you alone and let you move on.

ok, maybe as you said, he is not fully happy in the relationship with his current gf. but i dont think he is fully happy with you neither. he is not certain whether he wants you or not.

no matter what the reasons, this would not work out between you two anyway at this moment.

cut all the contact, let him know you want more than friends, and ask him not contact you if he contacts you just as a friend like, be clear always that you are not happy to be his friend, and it's not fair on his gf as well.

if he goes back to you with no gf and you guys may start again.

all the best.

LegacyUser

Yeah you're probably right Samesamesame...Sounds like he's not really sure what he wants himself but if he really wanted me then he should have done something about it. Instead he just keeps me there knowing that I'll respond and be there. I'm stopping the contact now. Or at least - I'll try again.
Thanks all!