the dead end

LegacyUser

Is there any point in being with someone if you're planning on moving out of the country at the end of the year? He thinks there is, wants to enjoy the time we have left. But I keep feeling like its pointless, we can't plan a future so it's just a dead end, right? We've been together a year.
I tried to focus on the present but it was too hard.
Guys seem so good at taking things day-by-day.
By the way I don't have much choice about the move, my career depends on it.
I'm 30. Him coming with me seems like too drastic an option. I'm possibly moving to China, he would be leaving his job, friends and family just for me. And if things didn't work out I'd feel responsible.
Should I stay until I'm actually leaving or just do it now? I feel so sad about it all. Feel guilty about getting into a relationship when I knew this would happen.

sporina

if i were you I would enjoy it while it is good. you could be dead tomorrow - a cliche i know but sooo true.

LegacyUser

hey OP, i'm doing it too, my bf of 2 years is moving back to Poland to take care of his dad who's elderly and ill.
i tried to fight it but he's going at end of summer and i can't stay away from him while he's here!
Men do seem to have it a lot easier... or else they just don't show it as much.
Its saddening but hope you have more backbone than i have to just end it now before it gets any harder on you..
Good luck x

muinteoir09

I can understand why you would not want to continue it but look at it this way: you've been together a year so there must be something there. Why have a year of misery before you go when you can have a year with laughs and love and sex?

LighterGuy

Op,
I wont tarnish everyone who is in your situation with the same brush but i have seen this happen. And bad things happen.


Alot of people agree to continuing a relationship until the day one moves away. But what happens is one half usually withdraws. Even tho they've agreed to stay in the relationship. Stepping themselves out of it. Usually its the person who is moving away. They are the ones starting a new life. About to have new experiences. (this would be you in this situation)


Op, I know of a situation exactly the same as yours. Girl was moving country. Going home. She agreed to staying in the relationship, quoting the agreement as what she really wanted. 3 weeks before going home she slept with another man. Personally i feel the girl in question was just a selfish wh*re. As it was obvious she was just using her bf (as was proven in other ways) - you say you feel guilty. I dont think you are like the girl in that situation :P

My personal opinion is that if you can remain faithful and honest there are no problems staying with him. As long as both parties know it will end (as he does) If however you stay with him and decide you want to sleep around before you go it makes you a horrible person. I think you've landed yourself in a situation while you were thinking about yourself. This is why you now feel quilty. But you feel bad so I dont think it makes you a user :P Users dont feel guilty :P

Now op i'm not talking about you in this bit as you feel guilty. But I think people who get into relationships knowing they are moving away are selfish users. My advice to anyone reading this who dates someone who is moving away - dont! just get out now. You'll just be playing boyfriend until that person starts their new life.

m@cc@

unregistered wrote: »

Is there any point in being with someone if you're planning on moving out of the country at the end of the year? He thinks there is, wants to enjoy the time we have left.

No. He's holding onto the hope that you might change your mind. It will make it a lot harder in the long run when you do eventually leave.
I split up with my g/f here in Oz as we want different things. We split 6 weeks ago but she intially wanted us to stay together until I left. I refused and it was one of the best decisions I made. I'm going home next month on my own and I'm a lot more prepared to face it than if I'd been staying with her.

amybabes

my bf moved to australia 2 years ago. We were living together when he decided he wanted to go, at the time i wasn't in a position to go (finishing my degree - had another yr to do). He booked his flights at the end of feb, and didnt leave until the 2nd wk of june. Que lots of arguments and tears about why he was going, would we stay together etc.
He did want to move out, said itd make it easier on me rather than have the long goodbye. He left and we decided we'd give it a go, even though he had no definate date to come back or even an idea if he was coming back.

I joined him a year later to the day! And we are happier than ever.
Don't get me wrong, the year apart and the not knowing was hell....emotionally draining, lots of silly arguments on skype and by text, lots of tears and loneliness..... but in this case the juice was worth the squeeze.

sporina

LighterGuy wrote: »

Op,
I wont tarnish everyone who is in your situation with the same brush but i have seen this happen. And bad things happen.


Alot of people agree to continuing a relationship until the day one moves away. But what happens is one half usually withdraws. Even tho they've agreed to stay in the relationship. Stepping themselves out of it. Usually its the person who is moving away. They are the ones starting a new life. About to have new experiences. (this would be you in this situation)


Op, I know of a situation exactly the same as yours. Girl was moving country. Going home. She agreed to staying in the relationship, quoting the agreement as what she really wanted. 3 weeks before going home she slept with another man. Personally i feel the girl in question was just a selfish wh*re. As it was obvious she was just using her bf (as was proven in other ways) - you say you feel guilty. I dont think you are like the girl in that situation :P

My personal opinion is that if you can remain faithful and honest there are no problems staying with him. As long as both parties know it will end (as he does) If however you stay with him and decide you want to sleep around before you go it makes you a horrible person. I think you've landed yourself in a situation while you were thinking about yourself. This is why you now feel quilty. But you feel bad so I dont think it makes you a user :P Users dont feel guilty :P

Now op i'm not talking about you in this bit as you feel guilty. But I think people who get into relationships knowing they are moving away are selfish users. My advice to anyone reading this who dates someone who is moving away - dont! just get out now. You'll just be playing boyfriend until that person starts their new life.

this is a very specific situation - i do not think it is representative of what could happen. How long are you going for OP? Ju be honest with one another - no mind games - and all should be well. If you cannot work this out then you two would probably not work in the long run anyway.
But if you love one another it will. Things like this has been happening for decades.. during wars - emigration.. Enjoy one another - don't analyse it too much..

Monkey61

I think this comes down to how much you love him and how possible it is for him to go with you or not.

The options as I see them....

1. He could go with you. If you are in love and want to be together why not? Surely love etc is worth taking a chance on. So what if it doesn't work out. He can move back.

2. He cannot go with you. You can stay together and enjoy the fun, but I think it will run out as you will both get more stressed etc. and start arguing more and more.

My friend started going out with a guy who she knew was moving to Australia in six months. It was horribly sad as the time drew nearer, he begged her to go with him, she wouldn't as she thought it was too soon in their relationship to be starting a new life half way across the world. He went. They broke up but kept in contact. Six months later she dropped everything to join him and now they are blissfully happy living together.

I also know of a couple who had been together for a month when the guy got a job on the other side of the world. They knew it was something special. She moved with him. They are happily married with 3 kids for the last 15 years.

Look if you have been with this guy for a year, you should know how you feel about him and how important this relationship is...

bellylint

unregistered wrote: »

Is there any point in being with someone if you're planning on moving out of the country at the end of the year? He thinks there is, wants to enjoy the time we have left. But I keep feeling like its pointless, we can't plan a future so it's just a dead end, right? We've been together a year.
I tried to focus on the present but it was too hard.
Guys seem so good at taking things day-by-day.
By the way I don't have much choice about the move, my career depends on it.
I'm 30. Him coming with me seems like too drastic an option. I'm possibly moving to China, he would be leaving his job, friends and family just for me. And if things didn't work out I'd feel responsible.
Should I stay until I'm actually leaving or just do it now? I feel so sad about it all. Feel guilty about getting into a relationship when I knew this would happen.

Just at a quick thought of this would be to enjoy the now. I am a similar same boat though the time is coming a lot sooner for me. Its nice to have happiness and time with a person I care about, even if does have a time line.
Either way, I hope you enjoy either decision you make.