Where to go now?

LegacyUser

I have been with my OH for 6+ years. I love him a lot but the excitement is kind of gone, but I suppose that's natural. He is my best friend and I love spending time with him. We went through a bad patch a while ago and he ended it which really hurt me. We got back together shortly afterwards but we no longer live together. He works in London and only comes home at the weekends anyway but we have no home. We are 26 years old and after so long together I feel that there should be more than seeing each other once a week. I wonder if in 2 or 3 years time will we still be like this. We seem to get on better now- I used to feel I was never good enough when we were together as he always criticised me for not going out enough, going to the gym and having hobbies, which I suppose is right. But now I wonder if we are not suited to be together properly since we get on better when we are apart a lot.

We have talked about the situation. He always jokes about asking me to marry him and having kids but I think there is no point talking like that unless we actually move forward in other ways. We talked about buying a house but I have no permanent job and he is away so it seems unlikely.
I suppose I just want to hear from other people here who have the same "problem" (I say problem loosely- it's not a major issue I suppose but it is not a long term set up) I just know that in 2 years if it's still like this I'll feel like we are going nowhere and I am wasting my life

merlie

unregistered wrote: »

I have been with my OH for 6+ years. I love him a lot but the excitement is kind of gone, but I suppose that's natural. He is my best friend and I love spending time with him. We went through a bad patch a while ago and he ended it which really hurt me. We got back together shortly afterwards but we no longer live together. He works in London and only comes home at the weekends anyway but we have no home. We are 26 years old and after so long together I feel that there should be more than seeing each other once a week. I wonder if in 2 or 3 years time will we still be like this. We seem to get on better now- I used to feel I was never good enough when we were together as he always criticised me for not going out enough, going to the gym and having hobbies, which I suppose is right. But now I wonder if we are not suited to be together properly since we get on better when we are apart a lot.

We have talked about the situation. He always jokes about asking me to marry him and having kids but I think there is no point talking like that unless we actually move forward in other ways. We talked about buying a house but I have no permanent job and he is away so it seems unlikely.
I suppose I just want to hear from other people here who have the same "problem" (I say problem loosely- it's not a major issue I suppose but it is not a long term set up) I just know that in 2 years if it's still like this I'll feel like we are going nowhere and I am wasting my life

Hi OP,

I understand your situation. I to was in a long term relationship and it broke up but we ended up being 'friends' again and although we are on speaking terms and all that, it is just not the same.

It is hard to be in a relationship with someone who lives in another country, it will only succeed if you are committed to making it work, and that means both of you. You will have to tell him what is on your mind as it is only fair as you would I am sure expect the same from him.

You say he criticised you about not going out enough, joining a gym, etc, it may sound like that but he might be thinking of you sitting at home thinking about him and not much else. He wants you to get on with your life as he is doing.

You do need to sort yourself out first. The fact that he works in London and you are here with no job at the moment, makes things really awkward.
So, you need to make a list of what you want to do, starting with finding work and then the next steps for you, then when you have most of your list down, then go and tell him how you feel.

I wish you the best of luck

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply. I do have a full time job actually, and have always been working, but since it's contract to contract each year I can't qualify for a mortgage so that affects our future plans.
For the last 2 years I have being doing a part time masters and working full time (I'm on the go 7am-7pm with work) so I have had very little free time in the evenings anyway and then at the weekends I can't make plans or we'll never see each other. I do go out, meeting friends, shopping going for dinner, cinema, dancing classes, stuff I like really, so it's not as if I have no life but with working and studying I feel that if I have a free evening and I want to just watch TV I should be entitled to.
These are only small things though. My main issue is that after all this time, this is it. I thought there would be more. When are we supposed to move forward? This isn't the way a 6 year relationship is supposed to be? I know it's silly but I'm afraid it'll be like this forever. He is not willing make compromises reagrding his career. I was informed rather than consulted about the move to London. I was upset but he said if I wanted I could go to, but I had nothing to go to.

WhatWillBee

I was totally in your situation. I went out with a guy for near 3 years and for the last year he had moved to the states and we broke up at one point because I was told I wasnt good enough because I didnt do enough.

Honestly, Im usually of the opinion that you should sit down and talk about it and try to make it work, but because Ive been in such a similar situation my advice is to get out now But thats the benefit of my own hindsight


I was together with my boyfriend for 2years when he decided to go to America (he had decided to go while we were broken up for a month) and even though I asked him to stay, he went anyway. I stuck with him for a year, waiting for us to get together again and in the meantime he extended his stay, and planned on moving to another country again afterwards. I was invited along, but not part of the decision, thats when Id had enough.

Career is important, but you shouldnt be with someone who doesnt put you first above all and you shouldnt be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. If this is how it is after six years, it will only get worse.

Him telling you that you dont do enough etc sounds like hes trying to put you down and probably wants out of the relationship. If he wanted to be with you he would. Does he talk to you about plans to be together at some point in the future in a practical way? Or is it just easier for you two to be together than to be single and find someone else?

I may be putting a lot of my own experience on your situation but youre obviously not happy. I think you need to figure out what you want, if this is what youve got after six years, with no moves to go forward, then you need to ask yourself if this is enough? Because at this point in your relationship its all youll ever get. Theres no pointing being in a relationship if youre hoping it will get better at some point in the future. Chances are it wont.

Sorry if I seem a bit harsh, I hope Im wrong and that it all works out for you two.