Trusting someone again

Miss_Vick

Trust is so much more important than people realise. I'm just wondering is it possible to really ever gain it back after it's been broken, both by a boyfriend and then later by the same person as a "friend"?

If someone can lie to your face for 5 months and accuse you of not trusting them and claiming that they are honest...is it worth even contemplating forgiving them?

LegacyUser

you can forgive them but then it doesnt mean you want the friendship of them anymore.

TitoPuente

Did he tell you why he didn't trust you? How did the relationship go for the 5 months you were together? And how do you know he lied to you?

lillywhite1

To be honest I am not sure why you would even contemplate forgiving them unless they made the first move.

If he realised how he had behaved and apologised maybe you could consider it but only then if it was so you could be friends and nothing more.

Having said all of that, do you want to give more context?

seenitall

The answer to both your questions is NO. If you don't believe me, you will find out for yourself soon enough, the third time around.

Good luck!

TitoPuente

lillywhite1 wrote: »

Having said all of that, do you want to give more context?

Precisely. Seems odd that someone would tell you they didn't trust you for no reason whatsoever. Not that I'm saying he didn't but a bit of background regarding the relationship would be helpful. How did the 5 months you were together go exactly? Was it a turbulent relationship? If so, for what reason(s)? What, rightly or wrongly, might have inspired his lack of trust in you?

I think people might be jumping the gun here, giving advice without knowing the background to your relationship and how it panned out.

Miss_Vick

We were together for over a year. We broke up (in December) because he said he lost heart and needed to be by himself for a while having had 2 serious relationships back to back. After about a month or two we decided that we'd try being friends. And it was working out ok. Then when it looked like I was about to move on (March-ish) he decided he wanted me back and appeared at my doorstep at 5am to announce this.

We got back together for 2 weeks. During that time he divulged that he had slept with someone else. Totally forgivable as we had broken up. But it later transpired that he had actually been in a semi relationship with her, a gril he works 9-5 with and was still in contact. So I broke it off.

A week later we thought we could try again. He thought he could give up the other girl and begin something with me. He called me his 'partner' and that I could be the one. The week went well but his heart wasnt in it. And the girl was still texting him rather inappropriate things even though she knew we were trying again for the 2 time. I broke up with him again.

We then tried to be friends because I didnt want to waste the friendship. The whole time since December he was claiming that he was trying to be more open and honest with me and that he loved me, always, regardless of our relationship status.

I recently found out, the day we broke up, he slept with that girl. Over the course of our multiple get back togethers he failed to mention this. He never stopped texting her, or flirting with her. He didnt want to lose me as a friend but he couldnt be honest with me either.

I just want to know is there any point in giving him a chance to regain my trust ever....even years down the line?

Miss_Vick

Oh...I never said he wasnt to be friend with her. I do understand they work together. I just didn't get why they needed to be texting so often specially considering the see each other every day. And he told me that we should limit our texts and contact so that we would have stuff to talk about when we did see each other.

And the fact that he kept lying. He said that they hadnt been in contact but they had, he said it was only once or twice but it was a relationship. He said it started a few weeks after we broke up but it was only 8 hours.

And the reason I thought we broke up in the first place was a lie. I thought I was doing right by him. Giving him the space he would need and that someday we'd manage a good friendship. And if we were meant to be it wouldn't pass us by

TitoPuente

Oh right. I thought he was accusing you of not being trustworthy. Nah, he sounds like a bit of a jackass. Just cut contact if I were you.

Miss_Vick

The accusation of me not trusting was him sayiing I didn't trust him over the other girl. But I did! I trusted that he'd do right by me and her. Truthfully I didn't trust her but I don't think I had to. But I most definitely trusted him!

TitoPuente

Well from the picture you've painted, you probably shouldn't have trusted him. If he was cheating on you, emotionally or otherwise, then you'd have been better off kicking him to the curb.

Miss_Vick

Thanks. It's just really difficult. Nobody tells you how hard it is to just walk away and not look back on someone you loved

lillywhite1

It sounds from what you say as if he is a complete ass and you should not waste another second on him.

It is always difficult to do this especially if you think he is a friend as much as a boyfriend but you need to look at this actions and as he seems to be carrying on the same why would you should cut your losses and tell him that you would rather not have anything to do with him. This would obviously include contacting you at 5 in the morning. This may see romantic to some but it childish behaviour of the worst type. It seems that he thinks he has some connection with you that he can abuse.

For your own good just dont have anything more to do with him and hopefully you will meet someone with a little more maturity.

lillywhite1

Miss_Vick wrote: »

Thanks. It's just really difficult. Nobody tells you how hard it is to just walk away and not look back on someone you loved

I had one really bad experience in this regard and the whole process was only made worse because I tried to maintain contact with a former gf.

Cold turkey is painful but it is the only way. If you cant do cold turkey then just put 5 or 10 mins aside every day to think about this guy and this might help you focus on his negative side and hopefully this will help you to get over it.

You would be strange if you did not feel like this. It is completely normal and just something you need to put down to experience though it is difficult to see this when you are in the middle of it.

Good luck and take care!

seenitall

TitoPuente wrote: »

I think people might be jumping the gun here, giving advice without knowing the background to your relationship and how it panned out.

I thought that the original post was pretty self-explanatory and completely sufficient in itself. Someone breaks your trust twice, what are you going to expect the third time, for them to now become honest and trustworthy? No.

My advice stays the same. OP, please move on from that player for your own peace of mind.

Miss_Vick

Thank you. Seriously. These are things I have tried to tell myself. But I've been living in my own head for far too long and get muddled sometimes

TitoPuente

seenitall wrote: »

I thought that the original post was pretty self-explanatory and completely sufficient in itself. Someone breaks your trust twice, what are you going to expect the third time, for them to now become honest and trustworthy? No.

I read this:

If someone can lie to your face for 5 months and accuse you of not trusting them and claiming that they are honest...is it worth even contemplating forgiving them?

From this I take it that he claimed he didn't trust her for some reason. Neither I, nor you, had any idea as to the extent of his behaviour or why he wouldn't trust her. Now we know and I think we can both agree she's better off without him... and probably no point in forgiving him. Just blank him for good. You don't need friends like that, never mind boyfriends.

road_high

Seems a bit to me like he's judging you by his own standards..not good.

Chucky the tree

As the saying goes: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

seenitall

TitoPuente wrote: »

From this I take it that he claimed he didn't trust her for some reason. Neither I, nor you, had any idea as to the extent of his behaviour or why he wouldn't trust her. Now we know and I think we can both agree she's better off without him... and probably no point in forgiving him. Just blank him for good. You don't need friends like that, never mind boyfriends.

No. I read that last bit as it was meant, that she couldn't trust him anymore as he lied to her for 5 months. This is the only logical thing that follows from the first paragraph (him breaking her trust twice). So I had a pretty good idea of the situation already, thanks.

Pompey Magnus

Miss Vick wrote:

If someone can lie to your face for 5 months and accuse you of not trusting them and claiming that they are honest...is it worth even contemplating forgiving them?

Trust is a very hard thing to regain after it has been lost, especially if the other person is not open and honest with you. If the other person tried to make you feel in the wrong instead of having the decency to owning up to their failings then you shouldn't waste your time with them.

My own policy is if someone came to me and confessed without me having found out then that is a big mark in their favour and I would be more likely to take it that they are genuinely sorry and forgive them. If they only confessed after being found out then chances are they are only sorry they got caught, and if they keep denying it after they have been caught then they aren't worth any more hassle and you should just break contact with them.

Holly333

It sounds to me like he liked the attention he was getting form that other girl, but his feelings were probably strongest for you. Extremely tough and unfair situation, but I completely agree with the other posters here, you deserve much better so you are best to move on. Good luck!

Denimgirl

Miss_Vick wrote: »

Thank you. Seriously. These are things I have tried to tell myself. But I've been living in my own head for far too long and get muddled sometimes

Stay away from this loser he does'nt know wha the wants and liked the feeling of 2 woman wanting him who does he think he is? the heff??after reading this forum I tell ye us girls would want to cop on look at what men are doing to us not all but most!and girls would really want to start being loyal to eachother and stop trying to get a man that is with another woman there is no loyalty with woman really anymore!the guys don't want to settle down because there is too many woman out there willing to sleep with them leaving the men thinking they are the catch!! too many tarts around now!

MissHoneyBun

TitoPuente wrote: »

Just blank him for good. You don't need friends like that, never mind boyfriends.

This pretty much sums it up I think. Liars like that don't deserve to be called anyone's boyfriend. Life is hard enough without it being made harder by those who claim to love you