"The Friends Zone"

Snowie

Inspired Bye something I read in TLL tho I think I might start a thread from booth sides for a more rounded view on the hole thing I think it would be interesting to read and for those of you who are bit uncomfortable about talking about it just got to unnamed poster... So it’s not like you can't reply...

A few questions,

1.Have you been in the "friends zone" when you felt different?

2.What would you say is the reason for why you felt the way you did about her?

3.Would you say the fact that you fell for a friend came under the grounds of just can't help who you fell for or was it maybe more underlying, Problems with self esteem or?

4.Did you get anywhere?

5.In your experience, would you go down the same route again, or would you take a step back from things or would you charge headlong like a china shop?

Will

I think everyone has been friends with someone they have a thing for. Through trial and error, mostly error I find that it's better to stay in the friend zone than to complicate things by adding feelings into the equation. Even if both parties feel the same way I think if you are friends it's best to stay that way.

Don't wanna risk a friendship at the expense of a kiss or more. If you truly value a friendship you should be happy with what you have, of course it's normal to have a thing for a mate but again imo it's best to keep it that way. The lifetime of most relationships varies from a few weeks to a few years, friends generally are for a whole lot longer and numerous.

As you can judge from my viewpoint anytime I was friends with someone and it developed into something more, it more often than not went sour very quickly. Just my experience, sometimes you are better off as mates with someone.

I liked the girls for various reasons, I didn't go into the friendship crushing on them, as I got to know them more, they appealed to me more. In hindsight I just should have admired from afar and stayed friends.

entropi

I've no problem posting under my Boards name for this, there's nothing too intimate about what I'm about to type up:)

1.Have you been in the "friends zone" when you felt different?

Yes I have, it sucked big time and I now hate even thinking about it.

2.What would you say is the reason for why you felt the way you did about her?

Because we actually clicked very well, were both single and had numerous reasons to hook up and really enjoyed each others company.

3.Would you say the fact that you fell for a friend came under the grounds of just can't help who you fell for or was it maybe more underlying, Problems with self esteem or?

Well at the time I did have some issues with being social and getting "back in the saddle" so to speak, after many years of being a major nerd etc...and meeting someone so soon into my college year (she was different course but sports based) with whom I shared so many common interests I couldnt believe it really...

4.Did you get anywhere?

Nope. I went and asked her out on her 21st birthday (not her party), she gave me the friend speech and we sort of became civil to each other for a week or two, then didnt speak for like 8 months.

5.In your experience, would you go down the same route again, or would you take a step back from things or would you charge headlong like a china shop?

Honestly, I would do it all over again. Life is about challenge and not knowing what is ahead. We learn from experiences gained through actions both known and unknown and can only revert to hindsight and memory to see how they may have changed or influenced us in this future.


With knowing how hard it hit me not having her as a friend (one of my best as it turns out), it served as a valuable life lesson to me and how to deal with any potential encounters like that.

Wibbs

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

A few questions,

Or what you shine a light in our eyes and make with the rubber hoses?

1.Have you been in the "friends zone" when you felt different?

Once for about 6 months.

2.What would you say is the reason for why you felt the way you did about her?

I found her fun and physically attractive.

3.Would you say the fact that you fell for a friend came under the grounds of just can't help who you fell for or was it maybe more underlying, Problems with self esteem or?

The former I'd say. We got emotionally close and since I found her sexually attractive it kinda went from there I suppose. That said looking back the self esteem thing must be part of it as I didnt come out with it when I felt it happening like I would today, so maybe?

4.Did you get anywhere?

Nope. Then I backed right off. Figured life was too short and I realised she knew and I was being taken advantage of a little. Game over. Not easy at first, but that passed. I'm lucky in one respect in that I dont fall in love that easy. I fall in lust and in fond and in crush , but love takes a lot more time and it needs to be reciprocated for it to happen.

Im just not wired for unrequited love. Instant turnoff in a way. I felt attraction and emotional connection, but since she clearly didnt, it couldnt go further for me. I didnt bump into her for a year Id say and by that stage felt nada on that score.

On the other side of the coin though, when I have fallen in love and we split, it took years and years to get that out of my system. The first nearly 6 and the second 3 or so. Intellectually I may have felt noting, especially when I was treated shabbily, and I was meeting and going out with other women during this time, but emotionally if I met them I'd still feel it.

5.In your experience, would you go down the same route again, or would you take a step back from things or would you charge headlong like a china shop?

I wouldnt go down that route as a general rule no. I think its a bad tactic for want of a better word. It can work out but IMHO and IME its too rare to base a plan of action on. When it does happen it tends to be two meet and both think maybe. One jumps the gun the other backs down and wants friendship. Then if they dont see each other for a while it can kickoff the attraction. Then again that maybe me seeing others through my own subjective prism. In that I have pretty clear, yes, no, maybe switches that are thrown when I meet someone. Maybe's are the exception generally. People grow on me as friends alright, but not sexually. Its pretty black and white for me. Even with the time I found myself in friendzone she was a defo maybe from the start.

It also leaves people open to being taken for granted or used. Ive seen that happen more often than not, even if the object of the amour doesnt intend that.

Handsome Bob

Firstly I've never bitten the bullet in regards to breaking out of the friend zone, I think that's because I'm good at reading situations. Most of the time I know the deal without actually having to be told it.

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

1.Have you been in the "friends zone" when you felt different?

Only once did I fall hard for a friend.

2.What would you say is the reason for why you felt the way you did about her?

Probably because of a bad run with women, she came along when I was at a real low ebb and was just wonderful.

3.Would you say the fact that you fell for a friend came under the grounds of just can't help who you fell for or was it maybe more underlying, Problems with self esteem or?

Self esteem might have something to do with it. I think when you're lacking in confidence it's easier to fall for a friend than to get yourself out there to chat to women.

But I think it's more because of the connection. This one girl opened herself so much to me, told me things that she'd tell no-one else. That made me feel special because I never had that kind of trust from a woman before. I felt that she needed me, so I guess that's why I fell for her.

4.Did you get anywhere?

Nah, as I said I'm fairly good at reading situations. When they're telling you about the guy they had in the sack the other night or about the guys they find hot, you know she doesn't feel the same way as you feel about her.

5.In your experience, would you go down the same route again, or would you take a step back from things or would you charge headlong like a china shop?

I don't think I would, I think I've made mistakes before where I thought building a connection through friendship was a prerequisite to something more happening. Now though I'm prepared to act before friendship happens.

Skuxx

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

1.Have you been in the "friends zone" when you felt different?

Yeah I have, I really thought I could break through the otherside though but now I know thats not possible

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

2.What would you say is the reason for why you felt the way you did about her?

We got on so great, we were actually like best friends!

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

3.Would you say the fact that you fell for a friend came under the grounds of just can't help who you fell for or was it maybe more underlying, Problems with self esteem or?

Just can't help who you fall for! She was an amazing girl, we got on so good together, probly to good as she saw me as one of her best friends!

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

4.Did you get anywhere?

No!! I told her how I felt, she gave me the whole "If we got together it would be great for the first while but if we ever broke up things would be different between us and I couldn't afford to loose you as a friend your so important to me speech............"

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

5.In your experience, would you go down the same route again, or would you take a step back from things or would you charge headlong like a china shop?

Personally, i'd do things differently! I know people say you have to take risks in life and I agree 100%, but since we have almost lost contact! She met a new fella, I got pissed off that it wasn't me, I'm sure you know yourself what happens but now we hardly talk or text or see eachother! So on heind-sight I would do it differently but I suppose you have to try!

Bottle_of_Smoke

A few questions,

1.Have you been in the "friends zone" when you felt different?

A few times, all but one whilst at school. Was too nervous/unconfident to ask girls out so the easiest way to get close was be their mate. The more recent one was when I was 21. I'd been casually seeing one girl but became good friends with her mate. Started developing feelings for the mate. Eventually told her and she wasn't interested in that way. She'd never led me on or anything so went back to being friends as normal. I don't consider that a typical "friendzone" relationship though.

2.What would you say is the reason for why you felt the way you did about her?

I liked them. In all cases other than the girl mentioned it started as teenage crush type thing. With her there was more to it but still a physical attraction

3.Would you say the fact that you fell for a friend came under the grounds of just can't help who you fell for or was it maybe more underlying, Problems with self esteem or?

As mentioned it was all to do with self esteem issues, with the one exception.

4.Did you get anywhere?

Nope, never!

5.In your experience, would you go down the same route again, or would you take a step back from things or would you charge headlong like a china shop?

I think in these friendzone relationships the girl knows full well in 99.99% of the cases. Its perfect for them because they get all the benefits of a male friend who will also drop everything for them at a whim.

So certainly not. I wouldn't approach a girl I like in friendzone male way so I will never be in this zone again. Its a certain needy type of girl who ends up with friendzone male friends and I don't find that type of girl attractive

PK2008

1.Have you been in the "friends zone" when you felt different?
A. I am the Mayor of Friend Zone

2.What would you say is the reason for why you felt the way you did about her?

A. Mistook her platonic interest in me for romantic

3.Would you say the fact that you fell for a friend came under the grounds of just can't help who you fell for or was it maybe more underlying, Problems with self esteem or?

A. Inexperience

4.Did you get anywhere?

A. Friend speech, then the blanket blank cheque book and pen.

5.In your experience, would you go down the same route again, or would you take a step back from things or would you charge headlong like a china shop?

A. Wouldn't do it again.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Will wrote: »

I think everyone has been friends with someone they have a thing for. Through trial and error, mostly error I find that it's better to stay in the friend zone than to complicate things by adding feelings into the equation. Even if both parties feel the same way I think if you are friends it's best to stay that way.

Don't wanna risk a friendship at the expense of a kiss or more. If you truly value a friendship you should be happy with what you have, of course it's normal to have a thing for a mate but again imo it's best to keep it that way. The lifetime of most relationships varies from a few weeks to a few years, friends generally are for a whole lot longer and numerous.

As you can judge from my viewpoint anytime I was friends with someone and it developed into something more, it more often than not went sour very quickly. Just my experience, sometimes you are better off as mates with someone.

I liked the girls for various reasons, I didn't go into the friendship crushing on them, as I got to know them more, they appealed to me more. In hindsight I just should have admired from afar and stayed friends.

While I kind of see what you're saying I jsut think there's too many downsides.

I mean would it not kill you seeing them get with other people? If they discussed other relationships with you could you really be non-biased?

I guess it depends on how strongly you feel. There's a girl in my class in college I've known for the last 2 years. I thought she was cute at the start and was a bit miffed when she told me she had a boyfriend as she was fairly flirty. I don't mind staying friends with her because really I'd just like to ride her, no strong feelings, so we can discuss relationships without bias. If I had strong feelings I don't think the friendship could work.

Also I'm not sure I quite agree about being happy with what you've got with friendship. In one sense because life's too short to be pining after someone, and in another that if its a proper friendship it should easily survive a kiss.

carefulnow100

Man really gotta hate the friend zone. Its a killer I enjoyed a nice 3 year stint in the friend zone. Iv no idea why I liked her so much when she never wanted to have anything to do with me apart from being her buddy! DAM WOMAN LED ME ON!!!!:o
And all these women in question seem to be oblivious to the fact that we are like love sick puppys with them, everyone else see's this so why cant they?
The only thing this girl wanted me for was advice, yes advice... on how her current bf made a show of her or cheated on her and what should she do?
What should you do? you should get with me but nope she never did.:( ever... except once at a house party:D(see thats what i meant about leading me on!) after all that I realised that infact I didnt want to be with her anymore so I moved on. wasted 3 years or not I'l never know I suppose!

Wibbs

carefulnow100 wrote: »

And all these women in question seem to be oblivious to the fact that we are like love sick puppys with them, everyone else see's this so why cant they?

Like Bottle_of_Smoke wrote, 99% of the time they know. My women mates have all admitted at one time or another they knew in this situation, whether it be friendzone guys or exes still carrying torches for them(nearly as common). And I've seen them take these guys for granted or indeed use them. These women are not wagons by any means either. IMHO and as a general thing obviously, more women, especially young women, will "use" guys in their circle than men will use women like this(mainly because they can, not because of gender per se).

They're more prone to look to build a circle of men that satisfy their various needs if one man can't. So if they're seeing a guy and he's covering her bases sexually, but not emotionally or intellectually she'll look for that elsewhere and vice versa. Cliched and common example; sleeping with "bad boy" because he's sexually exciting, leaning on "nice guy" for emotional support. Some can make this an artform. Boyfriend(social approval with some sexual thrown in), affair with bad boy(sexual), Friendzone guy(emotional support with ego boost), Gay best friend/straight actual friend who isn't interested(may be more honest than female mates and no competition), Potential future guy(that may tick more boxes but hasn't jumped yet). Guys can do this juggling thing too, but IME its rarer. Usually older men too. Wife and kids(social value), affair with co worker(sexual and ego boost).

The only thing this girl wanted me for was advice, yes advice... on how her current bf made a show of her or cheated on her and what should she do?

Be the guy shes looking for advice about, not the guy she's looking for advice from. How can you tell? She'll be sleeping with you if you're the former and she won't if you're the latter.

wasted 3 years or not I'l never know I suppose!

Only a waste if you find yourself in the same boat twice.

Wibbs

PS I blame the men, not the women, for this kind of dynamic. Even the nicest people will take others for granted if they let them. OK if a guy is young and a bit clueless, youth has made fools of us all. But if you're a guy who is regularly in friendzone? The women aren't the issue, you are.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Wibbs wrote: »

PS I blame the men, not the women, for this kind of dynamic. Even the nicest people will take others for granted if they let them. OK if a guy is young and a bit clueless, youth has made fools of us all. But if you're a guy who is regularly in friendzone? The women aren't the issue, you are.

Yeah definitely. As much as I do have some contempt for a woman who manipulates a guy like that, at least 85% of the blame goes to the guy who allows himself to be manipulated.

Handsome Bob

Blokes who end up in the Friend Zone, in my opinion, are a by-product of not having the confidence to put themselves out there in social situations. The prospect of approaching a random woman on a night out is one that absolutely terrifies them. Thus, they play it safe and form attachments to the women that are already present in their life.

You have to ask yourself why they don't have this confidence in themselves and I think if you delve deep enough you'll find someone who has always been put down throughout their life. They haven't been brought up to have that belief in themselves. Thus, I can only have sympathy for people who find themselves repeatedly in the Friend Zone.

I don't think there's anything sinister about it. I've read a lot of opinions from people on boards on this subject and the common concensus seems to be that the guy in the Friend Zone feigns friendship in order to get closer to someone. I don't really believe that, sure you'll have a few creeps who will turn nasty once you reject them but to paint all of these poor souls with the same brush would be a mistake in my humble opinion.

Aodan83

Wibbs wrote: »

PS I blame the men, not the women, for this kind of dynamic. Even the nicest people will take others for granted if they let them. OK if a guy is young and a bit clueless, youth has made fools of us all. But if you're a guy who is regularly in friendzone? The women aren't the issue, you are.

It's the whole "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me" thing. The first time can be put down to naivety, but after that you really should know better.

Bottle_of_Smoke

LZ5by5 wrote: »

I don't think there's anything sinister about it. I've read a lot of opinions from people on boards on this subject and the common concensus seems to be that the guy in the Friend Zone feigns friendship in order to get closer to someone. I don't really believe that, sure you'll have a few creeps who will turn nasty once you reject them but to paint all of these poor souls with the same brush would be a mistake in my humble opinion.

It is really what they're doing thought. Vast majority won't turn nasty but it is sinister to the extent that they're commonly only friends, and more particularly will put much more effort into the friendship because they have an ulterior motive. This is why its often the case the friendship is over once they "out" themselves

Handsome Bob

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

It is really what they're doing thought. Vast majority won't turn nasty but it is sinister to the extent that they're commonly only friends, and more particularly will put much more effort into the friendship because they have an ulterior motive. This is why its often the case the friendship is over once they "out" themselves

I don't think putting more effort into the friendship is always an aspect of being in the Friend Zone. But I would agree, if you are constantly in contact with someone to the point where it's beyond a normal friendship then yes that would be slightly sinister. Sinister because you are arguably becoming obsessive. Thankfully I can say I've never been obsessive.

Wibbs

LZ5by5 wrote: »

You have to ask yourself why they don't have this confidence in themselves and I think if you delve deep enough you'll find someone who has always been put down throughout their life. They haven't been brought up to have that belief in themselves.

That's probable alright, although I've known very confident men in general that had no childhood issues etc and still fell into friendzone more than once. IME and my humble the very first romantic attachment a guy has is one of his biggest influences and sets the stage for what follows. Same for women, but I've found women are generally more adaptable.

IE same ordinary chap at say 15, two scenarios;

1) falls for girl, girl happens to feel the same and they start a relationship, full of the first love stuff, but not so intense that it becomes damaging. They split up as people will and after a normal time of grieving they move on. The guy cries into his pint etc, but because the first experience worked out, subconsciously he doesnt find the prospect of something similar happening again out of his reach. He learns a good lesson.

2) Falls for girl, she doesnt fall for him, but likes him/needs ego boost/too young to know how to deal with this. She doesnt want to hurt him or cause a scene so kinda plays along keeping his interest. Because he has no clue about how these things should go* he thinks this is normal. He thinks its normal to suppress his natural tendencies in the hope she'll come around. He wastes time on this, maybe even years. Finally realising its game over. After that he often becomes either bitter and or despondent. Or he continues this mode of operation as its the only one he knows. He learns a crap lesson.

If on top of that he's also a shy quiet introverted chap, this makes things worse. He has already got a less open social relationship with the world and what relationship he has is mostly with other guys.

Then look at the opposite extreme; "players". I've noted that players can sometimes be the guy in scenario 2 above, but are naturally more extroverted, so have more social outlets and more interaction with women. So the bitterness tends to come out, more than the despondency.

I've also noted something else common in every actual player, that I've ever known anyway. At some point early on in their lives they realise women are not special precious creatures. That they are the same as men and can be as cool as, or have feet of clay like men. They have sexual needs like men, want much the same thing as men etc. In a weird twisted way, players are actually more "feminist" than nice guys. They're also more honest, even if they can leave more emotional fallout.

They're not "mammies boys" thats for sure. They may be close to the mammy, but they see her as a human being with the advantages and failings of human beings. So they go into the world not automatically putting women on pedestals. This IMHO is the biggest mistake friendzone guys make. 9 times out of 10 doing this turns women off. Even women who may have said "maybe" at the very start. Rightfully so. Unless the woman is lacking in esteem and you dont want to go down that road either.

So one extreme to the other. There are fewer players than friendzoners. Most of us run somewhere in the middle. It's best to take that even more to the middle and learn from the players while still retaining integrity.

Thus, I can only have sympathy for people who find themselves repeatedly in the Friend Zone.

So do I, but I think men more and more need to learn this stuff early on or at least have some guidance. At the moment? Either some hippie dippie counselor with feck all answers or some "Pickup artist" eejit at the other end. The latter has currency not because its good advice, but because crap as it is it's much better advice than the usual guff trotted out by well meaning types.

I don't think there's anything sinister about it. I've read a lot of opinions from people on boards on this subject and the common concensus seems to be that the guy in the Friend Zone feigns friendship in order to get closer to someone. I don't really believe that, sure you'll have a few creeps who will turn nasty once you reject them but to paint all of these poor souls with the same brush would be a mistake in my humble opinion.

I agree, but being the cynical reductionist I am... :D In the end of the day the guy wants to have sex. As does the woman. Reproduction, make little copies of yourself etc. The other stuff, the great, passionate and complex stuff just covers that in a wonderful veneer. So yes he is hanging around to get closer. Would a gay fella hang around and be her shoulder etc? Nope. If he does its out of actual friendship.


*and the culture defo doesnt help him. Most rosemantic flicks give the impression that the quiet geek always gets the girl in the end, that you must be their constant friend from the get go and skirt around the sexual aspect. Complete BS in my humble. Women don't help him, because their genuine friendly advice is usually wrong. "Be yourself" is largely useless as practical advice. Plus it can be hard for people to describe what actually works for them. They either feel it or dont.

PK2008

I think its a fundamental difference between guys and girls approaches to relationships.

Guys can become very atttracted to women whom they get along with as "friends", because it is a very practical thing to do i.e. I know her, I get along with, we have a good laugh, I trust her and Im attracted to her therefoe the logical next step is...

Women, I think, like the idea of a new realtionship as being a new journey, with someone new they need to discover. I think they like figuring out a new guy and the mystery that unfolds. With a friend its just not there, they already know the guy. Ex GF's of mine would often say stuff like, they wanted to know what was going on in my head and they never knew what I was going to say next etc.

I think women find the "not knowing" aspect attractive whereas men find the comfort of "knowing" attractive.

Disclaimer: Post may contain generalisations. No race, sex or minority was intentionally harmed in the making of this post

Delirium

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

Inspired Bye something I read in TLL tho I think I might start a thread from booth sides for a more rounded view on the hole thing I think it would be interesting to read and for those of you who are bit uncomfortable about talking about it just got to unnamed poster... So it’s not like you can't reply...

A few questions,

1.Have you been in the "friends zone" when you felt different?

Yep.

2.What would you say is the reason for why you felt the way you did about her?

Found her very attractive, similiar interests/sense of humour.

3.Would you say the fact that you fell for a friend came under the grounds of just can't help who you fell for or was it maybe more underlying, Problems with self esteem or?

Feelings developed over the course of our friendship. So falls under the 'just can't help who you fell for' category.

4.Did you get anywhere?

No. Told her how I felt and it pretty much ended the friendship.

5.In your experience, would you go down the same route again, or would you take a step back from things or would you charge headlong like a china shop?

wouldn't ask a friend out. Would try to make it clear that I want to be more than friends before a friendship developed.

Snowie

Afternoon, First of thanks for the replys, there's lots of good informarion opinions and thaughts no dout will be of use to some people one day so cheers and thanks for taking the time to answer my questions, So its only fitting that I do to.

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

1.Have you been in the "friends zone" when you felt different?

Im human course I have...

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

2.What would you say is the reason for why you felt the way you did about her?

Its easy to ask the questions, But answering them is'nt as easy. One of those case's I had my chance but had none of the confidance when it came to girls. Another time I would say I was very introvert at the time ridiculasly shy poor soical scene, and lack of intimcey with girls as well as knowing an exceptionaly kind a caring lady all congealed into a big mess..

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

3.Would you say the fact that you fell for a friend came under the grounds of just can't help who you fell for or was it maybe more underlying, Problems with self esteem or?

Il say I had every right to fnd this girl Attractive but i did have underlying problems at the time.

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

4.Did you get anywhere?

Nope.

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

5.In your experience, would you go down the same route again, or would you take a step back from things or would you charge headlong like a china shop?

No Not like that, putting all your eggs in one basket isnt always a good idea... I beleave it to be completely fruitless as many have pineing like a love sick puppy, over something that works in your head, as we all know does'nt always work in reality. I think you just gotta be your self.

Snowie

Wibbs wrote: »

Or what you shine a light in our eyes and make with the rubber hoses?

bit tame for me, I prefer plucking finger nails with a pair of rusty plyers and pouring lime juice ont them :pac:/......


OWe

SLUSK

I never enter the friend zone because I don't have any female friends.

Greyfox

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

Inspired Bye something I read in TLL tho I think I might start a thread from booth sides for a more rounded view on the hole thing I think it would be interesting to read and for those of you who are bit uncomfortable about talking about it just got to unnamed poster... So it’s not like you can't reply...

A few questions,

1.Have you been in the "friends zone" when you felt different?

2.What would you say is the reason for why you felt the way you did about her?

3.Would you say the fact that you fell for a friend came under the grounds of just can't help who you fell for or was it maybe more underlying, Problems with self esteem or?

4.Did you get anywhere?

5.In your experience, would you go down the same route again, or would you take a step back from things or would you charge headlong like a china shop?

1. Yes, a terrible mystake and a very good learning experience as I know I'll never be stupid enough to fall into this zone again.

2. It's interesting because at the time I'd say the reason was because she was very good looking and a good laugh. I know now that their was actually nothing great about her, it was just the fact that she emailed and talked to me a lot and I got fond of this especielly with the fact that we worked together and it took my mind of how boreing my job was. At the time I was the person she would always come to with her problems (major red flag)and to chat and I liked this attention as during this 8 month period I didn't have a lot of female attention, I believe the main reason guys fall into friendzone is due to not having much oppertunitly with other women.

3. I believe the falling for her was normal and a case of you can't help who you fall for but what it comes down to is I was too slow making my move and when I got rejected that's when I should of made it clear I didn't want to be friends with someone I fancied, I did quite like her as a friend but it's a case of if I had of been getting somewhere with other women theirs absolutely no way I would of wanted her friendship!

4. Nope, kissed her on two occasions over this period and got the usual "don't want to lose a good friend speech"

5. Never, ever, ever..I'd honestly rather get a job cleaning prison toilets for €3 an hour then enter this zone again! Women either view you as friend material or friendship material and once she assigns you you friend material your doomed!

Snowie

http://dannymurray.blogspot.com/2010/05/friend-zone-its-bitter-and-resentful-be.html

this is kinda funny and topic related

Wibbs

Funny cos its true

Wibbs

I love the advice in the comments. She makes some good points but IMHO makes some rookie errors too.

Snowie

I think the rant is hilarious and sara speaks with a lot of knowladge tho she doesnt mention how a man shouold deal with the hole bIm standing still and cant speak let alone think so il make a funny noise and go to the toilet syndrome. obvously whena hot chicks says something that doesnt happen to me I swear.. well maybe once or twice :pac:

Kanoe

1.Have you been in the "friends zone" when you felt different? yes..but its not so complicated.

2.What would you say is the reason for why you felt the way you did about her? her interest in me

3.Would you say the fact that you fell for a friend came under the grounds of just can't help who you fell for or was it maybe more underlying, Problems with self esteem or? see above

4.Did you get anywhere? I'm working on it

5.In your experience, would you go down the same route again, or would you take a step back from things or would you charge headlong like a china shop? yes, I would.

donfers

zxy wrote: »

1.Have you been in the "friends zone" when you felt different? I think everybody is in that zone before making the move so I think you should rephrase the question to "How long should one wait before making the move"

2.What would you say is the reason for why you felt the way you did about her? well physical attractiveness of course, what else is there? (at least in the initial stages)

3.Would you say the fact that you fell for a friend came under the grounds of just can't help who you fell for or was it maybe more underlying, Problems with self esteem or? Huh....a short skirt, a winning smile and getting her round in are more suitable criteria for me falling for someone

4.Did you get anywhere? Sometimes yes, sometimes no....but I damn well knew not to stay in that zone for any significant length of time
5.In your experience, would you go down the same route again, or would you take a step back from things or would you charge headlong like a china shop? Generally I'd charge headlong like a china shop (sic-where's the bull?).....women I've known generally will bitch and moan about this approach but why then do most of them succumb to it? Just remember while she is slamming this guy and that guy for their behaviour to you as you provide a shoulder to cry on, this guy or that guy is the one that is sleeping with her. Women on average will sleep with a moderate amount of sexual partners, most women sleep with not too many or not too few...when the mood takes and when they feel like it they can have casual sex...but with men it's more complicated, there is a large minority of guys who have loads and loads of partners because they just know what works- "treat 'em mean, keep them keen" generally works quite well despite the inevitable female denials you'll hear about, it does honestly work...although "mean" in this context doesn't mean being nasty to her, it means having a laugh with her but not prioritising her, not putting her on a pedestal or treating her like a princess and all that other gentlemanly guff(for long-termers maybe that works but for initial attraction forget it) and making it clear that you don't value her too much save the occassional hook-up.....there is a larger group of men who never get anywhere with women and have absolutely no ability to click with them and then the largest group of men who have fluked a few partners here and there by luck or chance or drink or sheer bloody-minded desperation but again lack the social skills to close deals on a regular basis

see above

Kanoe

I think the friendzone needs to be defined a little better. If it's a case of meeting someone off the bat and being rejected and patronisingly placed into a happy to know ya but no touching sphere I'd be away out of there faster than I could say friendzone. but in other situations its as a result of being in the same circle of friends or someone you've known for a while and just recognising thats all you are, by mutual agreement or because dynamics aren't available to progress further. this isn't unusual at all.

Pittens

I am not going to answer the questions one by one. Just to say that women, no matter what they say, are looking to be swept off their feet by someone. And that someone is rarely the friend. It might be someone they know, but not their best male friend. In fact the guy they confide in is probably not the guy they are likely to fall for - around someone they like romantically they would be nervous and giggly, not confiding.

Not that people dont get together that way, as acquaintances first, but I think that it is best not be be "best" friends first. Stay a bit aloof. If she is your best friend she is just not into you.

Pittens

but in other situations its as a result of being in the same circle of friends or someone you've known for a while and just recognising thats all you are, by mutual agreement or because dynamics aren't available to progress further. this isn't unusual at all.

Thats more of less the acquaintance zone, which is generally alright place to be. From bitter experience ( like a lot of poeple here) being the best friend of a woman, the guy she calls to talk to about another guy, the guy whose shoulder she cries on etc. is definitely a sign that she is not into you.

Confusing, of course. Because a woman is calling you, and asking for your company a lot.

Most guys get to know what is happening around the age of 20-21.

SlickRic

everyone's been there; it's whether you learn from it or not is the key.

at the moment i'm in that zone, and i'm figuring out how to get out of it. for better or for worse. i don't even know if i like the girl. she's a good friend, and it's not even a strong attraction on either side, it's just;

1) nice
2) familiarity and trust.
2) probably a lack of other options.
3) curiosity, if that makes sense? you want to know if any of your instincts were right that there is something.

it's a ridiculous zone to be in.

but at the same time it's a rare thing to come across a completely platonic male/female friendship.

so we should all see these problems coming!

Kimia

zxy wrote: »

1.Have you been in the "friends zone" when you felt different? yes..but its not so complicated.

2.What would you say is the reason for why you felt the way you did about her? her interest in me

3.Would you say the fact that you fell for a friend came under the grounds of just can't help who you fell for or was it maybe more underlying, Problems with self esteem or? see above

4.Did you get anywhere? I'm working on it

5.In your experience, would you go down the same route again, or would you take a step back from things or would you charge headlong like a china shop? yes, I would.

When you say 'working on it' - how is that going? Because it appears that in pretty much all cases (of all the men that have already posted anyway) that it's always unsuccessful.

Do you think you'll be the one that it works for? I wouldn't be too hopeful - as a woman I can tell you honestly that if a guy is my friend that means that I have already checked him out and found him to be in my 'Not interested for anything sexual/relationshippy' pile - so the decision has already been made...

I could be wrong though! Maybe your story will have a better ending. And as I typed that I thought - is it kinder to give you false hope or to be cruel and say look man it's NEVER going to happen... ?

Kanoe

Kimia wrote: »

When you say 'working on it' - how is that going? Because it appears that in pretty much all cases (of all the men that have already posted anyway) that it's always unsuccessful.

Do you think you'll be the one that it works for? I wouldn't be too hopeful - as a woman I can tell you honestly that if a guy is my friend that means that I have already checked him out and found him to be in my 'Not interested for anything sexual/relationshippy' pile - so the decision has already been made...

I could be wrong though! Maybe your story will have a better ending. And as I typed that I thought - is it kinder to give you false hope or to be cruel and say look man it's NEVER going to happen... ?

honestly, I don't know. I've been in a situation before where someone took an interest in me and then decided it would be better if we were just friends so I thought ok, I can do that but after a couple of months I found I wasn't as interested in her "friendship" as I originally thought, it turned out we didn't have much in common and I felt used and expressed as much and left it be.

Presently I met and knew her as a "friend" (for some time) and nothing more (meet up occasionally with other friends) but in both instances the dynamics have changed. I like her friendship and am glad to have it and wouldn't pursue her in any other way if I thought there wasn't something more to it and felt it reciprocated. So..we still bump into each other and share coffee..and bf stories I'm contented with that..and I think she knows as much.

The thing is I'm female and while I genuinely didn't want it to be an issue I suppose it does draw a different view of the situation. I've been on both sides of the fence where I've expressly informed men that I'm not interested in anything other than friendship so I know where the boundaries lie. However, she knows my persuasion and always has and accepted me as a friend anyway and it was only recently I discovered she was inclined, she had a bf when I met her so I never questioned where her loyalties lay. She went away for 6 months and just got back and is single for the first time a year. It's like starting from scratch so I'll take it as it comes but have no intention of jeopardising the trust or friendship that's already been formed.

apologies, I've edited this post like seven times

Kanoe

zxy wrote: »

honestly, I don't know. I've been in a situation before where someone took an interest in me and then decided it would be better if we were just friends so I thought ok, I can do that but after a couple of months I found I wasn't as interested in her "friendship" as I originally thought, it turned out we didn't have much in common and I felt used and expressed as much and left it be.

this bint spent the weekend texting me. I'm guessing she's had an argument with her bf and needs emotional support. I took pleasure in lying about my fone being out of juice and told her I'd get back to her. sometime.

I was in the friends zone for years with a lovely girl, she was really great, my mum passed away and she was always there for me. I wasn't into her as potential girlfriend but I would have loved to shag her as she was a sexy lady. I then changed jobs but we stayed good friends for a few years, met her every so often (every 6 months or so, 150 miles between us). Went to a wedding with her once and a work do thing. We've sort of lost contact now, I reckon she fancied me and got sick of waiting for me to make a move

BumbleB

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

1.Have you been in the "friends zone" when you felt different?

2.What would you say is the reason for why you felt the way you did about her?

3.Would you say the fact that you fell for a friend came under the grounds of just can't help who you fell for or was it maybe more underlying, Problems with self esteem or?

4.Did you get anywhere?

5.In your experience, would you go down the same route again, or would you take a step back from things or would you charge headlong like a china shop?

1.Yes, I was in the friend zone or what I thought was the friends zone ,we used to do friends stuff together but she was into me and I didn't cop it really.


2. I liked her,we were similar ,she was from the states , and I was born there ,she didn't know anything about Ireland and I looked after her .
she was funny , very beautiful.She used to always tell I was cute but I saw this not very indicative.She even moved up the road from me.


3. Absolutely dont know.


4. Yep.

5.Not really as I've often gone down the road before ,as well with a Russian girl as well but never was in the friends zone as you guys experience.I think its because I would have a lot of options to go out with different girls and she would know it.

Tar.Aldarion

1.Have you been in the "friends zone" when you felt different?

2.What would you say is the reason for why you felt the way you did about her?

3.Would you say the fact that you fell for a friend came under the grounds of just can't help who you fell for or was it maybe more underlying, Problems with self esteem or?

4.Did you get anywhere?

5.In your experience, would you go down the same route again, or would you take a step back from things or would you charge headlong like a china shop?

1. Once.

2. My friends are generally nice, funny, have things in common with me, are a bit cracked in the head. Easy enough to find them attractive then, even if you initially did not physically. So although I did not like her like that at the start, I guess her personality is about it, making me laugh.

3. Can't help who you fall for. Not esteem issues.

4. I lost one of my best friends.

5. What happens shapes you, makes you a better person, just like each of my experiences/relationships have. I would like to have stepped back and kept her as a friend, but I had to live with her so it was difficult. I wouldn't do things differently, because I couldn't have at the time and it taught me some lessons that I am glad I know. Still, miss her friendship.