Break up blues - worried I made a mistake

LegacyUser

I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years because he was lazy and refused to get a job. He didn't feel like he needed to work and was happy on the dole saying that 200euro a week plus rent allowance was more than he'd get working a **** job anyway. This issue had gone on for ages and I kept saying I'd leave if he didn't at least look for work. I'd turned into such a nag. It used to annoy me because I work and I suppose I felt like I was loosing respect for him and also we were never able to do anything that cost any money. It got to the point where I had to put my money where my mouth is and leave, and so I did, even though I still love him I just felt like there was this big difference between us. I did, obviously, talk to him about it, but he would blame the recession even though I know for a fact he hasn't looked at jobs pages and surely where theres a will theres a way. Its like I felt if he cared about me he would want to work.
But now I feel awful. I miss him and I've had to move in with my parents, have no social life and feel empty. I'm trying to fill up my time but it's hard. When I get back from work there's nothing to do. It's been two weeks and so far I've managed to not call him. I answred his calls at first, half expecting that he'd make some effort to won me back, but not really, even though I know he's upset.
I just need some advice on how to stay strong! I know I've made the rights decision in terms of my future but now the present feels like s**t. Did I leave for a stupid reason? They say love conquors all...and we had love....but no money:-(

newtoboards

Sometimes love is simply not enough. If you feel like you've done the right thing for your future then the pain you feel right now is worth it. If him not having a job or even attempting to look for one is a deal breaker for you then there's no point in making further allowances for him.

LegacyUser

Hello OP,
I have been recently dealing with the same issue. my boyf of 2 years had a job when I met him, and lost it soon after we met.

again he just seems to have lost motivation completely, he has looked for work, but has refused to do certain types of jobs, like working a night shift for example.
I have repeated my concerns to him numerous times, and like you I feel like a nag for doing so. All I can say is that I have yet had to courage to break up, but I commend you for doing it.
can I ask what age you are? roughly....cause when I was younger I used think silly thoughts like that love would conquer all, that I wouldnt mind having no money to do anything if I was in love with a person, but now (shallow or not) I want to have a bit to enjoy ourselves and to save for the future : houses, children etc
I can safely say love will not conquer all.

Im in my mid 20's and I think that has a bearing on it, I too work hard and I cant help feeling resentful sometimes, for example having to pay for things etc.

as previous poster said these types of issues are dealbreakers.....calling someone your partner implies that it should be a shared life, and if one person is contributing more well it will lead to resentment in long term, both ways (ie him possibly resenting you nagging and constantly on about jobs and you resenting him for not making and "effort" or not being able to afford things)

I think you have done the right thing by making the break, and I wish you luck. you have done the right thing, for your both of you.

LegacyUser

I had much the same story as you - I loved a guy, but even though he was smart and really sociable, he had no interests or ambitions outside smoking pot/hanging with friends...like ur ex, he didn't see the point in working and when he left his job, he didn't bother too much with looking for a new one. I was sick of him wasting away any cash he did have on fags/booze/grass and stupid things....I knew if it came to settling down/buying a house etc, it would be me that would save and push, and he'd be useless....

fact is, we had different goals and when it came to it, what our relationship meant to each other was very different....truth is, he could have saved cash/worked if what we had meant enough to him, but it didn't....one day he'll find a relationship that will matter and he'll probably get up off his ass then and keep her.......that's been my experience, it doesn't mean your guy is the same, but with mine, I eventually realised that I wasn't important enough in his eyes to keep........we both had different goals in life too which as you start to mature and grow up, achieving those goals is more important than trying to drag someone along whilst you do it.....who wants to act like a mother or a nag...life is too short, there will be someone that shares your life plans/views...

I know you feel guilty and **** now, that maybe you're incredibly materialistic and love should be enough....my ex used that line on me to make me feel guilty/get back together...truth is love isn't enough, compatability has to be there too...sometimes the greatest loves (at the time) just don't survive, and when you look back, you'll probably realise that you had to leave to look after yourself and that his behaviour was more often than not selfish and self-absored....don't feel bad for wanting things for both of you as a couple so that you can start a life together, if you have to push him to want those things, he's not teh one.

LegacyUser

Hey, think about this way, he did not love you enough.

he knew you wanted him to get a job, at least to look for a job, but he didn't despite that you kept on nagging.

Respect is very important in a relationship, esp. if a woman can't respect her other half, it's going to end sooner or later.

LegacyUser

guest2 wrote: »

that maybe you're incredibly materialistic and love should be enough....my ex used that line on me to make me feel guilty/get back together...

That old line!

I think the bottom line is that if you're with someone who has no drive, ambition, passion for anything, it's very depressing. You'll always feel like you have to carry them. A relationship shouldn't have to feel like a chore. I think you were right to get out OP

Beruthiel

unregistered wrote: »

I broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years because he was lazy and refused to get a job. He didn't feel like he needed to work and was happy on the dole saying that 200euro a week plus rent allowance was more than he'd get working a **** job anyway.

Don't look back and regret nothing.
You don't need to spend the rest of your life with a lazy ass bum. You would have been miserable.
You absolutely did the right thing.

StandardAngel

I have just gone through the same thing although we were not living together. He left a job before the recession started and didnt bother to look for another one, then the recession started and it was a great excuse for him to still not look for a job.
Just think of the future you would have had if you stayed with him, you cant make people change or make them get a job if they dont want to unfortunately.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies, they actually help me alot. My close female friends are difficult to talk to because either they have never been in this situation and could never understand why I was with him in the first place, or else they're very sort of "stand by your man" types.
To the person who asked about my age...I'm 29, and this definitely has alot to do with it. I feel the time is right for me to think seriously about my future. Doesn't mean I don't feel awful though. He is such a great guy in many ways, but totally lazy, and I did have to drag him kicking and screaming to everything. I'm an intelligent person and I don't want to just be a nag all the time! I blame the weed he smokes for so much of this...I think it ruins peoples drive altogether. Then again, there's me getting stressed about my future and working all the time, and there's him not giving a cr*p about anything and chilling out all day watching tv. Maybe he has the right idea...either way, I'm not from a rich family and I can't sit around waiting for life to land into my lap...I have to work for it and maybe this is the kind of tough decision I just have to make.

Blackpitts

you did the right thing, don't GO BACK!
he put no effort in looking for a job although he knew it was important for you as a couple. This means he didn't put any effort in the relationship first of all.
He has just proved to you that if you stay together and other issues will arise in future he won't make any effort.
Look around you, there is plenty of men with balls out there.

ilovetosing

Have to agree with the general concensus here OP and you were 100% right in what you did! Any man who thinks that all is rosy in the garden and is not bothered about how his OH looks at him deserves what he gets! I don't know one woman who has never said that a mans drive and ambition is not something that would initially attract them to that man! If he loses that then he loses his attraction and hence becoming single!

Dont look back!

LegacyUser

I went through a very similar situation. Lack of motivation is SUCH a turn off.

Tail Wagger

Hey there girl, you done the right thing. a guy is supposed to try and impress his girl.. at least show her he can find a job, who want's a guy who can't get out of bed in the morning to earn the rent and food for the table. At least you stood by your promise, and he has done nothing to show you he's the guy for you... Do you want to end up with a lazy basket for the best years of your life. You made your move, it might be hard for a while but you have shown him your not to be messed with. Good on you!