Stuck in the middle

LegacyUser

I have a dilemma which has risen to the surface recently,

it started two years ago when at my OH's birthday i met his brothers girlfriend for the second time although it was our first opportunity to talk, some background they are dating four years at present, me and my other half are dating two and a half years.

she was very nice early on in the night and insisted we would be best of friends, and we could 'team up' against the brothers as we were the only girls other than the boys mother she said she was delighted to finally have a girl around. i just smiled politely and excused myself and rejoined my OH and our friends.

my problem is later on she was VERY drunk, and while in the girls bathroom she asked me if i loved my OH, i told her i did and asked her why would i date him if i didnt? she drunkly told me "i love my OH because he is going to build me my dream home" shortly after her OH pulled her out of the club and home!

i was a bit shocked to say the least, but i didnt want to judge her since i didnt know her all that well, in the end i told my OH what she said, and he agreed with me to just forget it,


but two years on im finding it hard to keep my mouth shut,

this girl in the two years i know her is very snobby, well tries to be, we both come from council housing estates but you'd swear she was raised in a palace they way she carries on, she is very money orientated, and my OH parents love her its their land she's building on, my problem is i am very fond of my OH's parents and i can see this girl is taking them and their son for a ride, her boyfriend buys her clothes in brown thomas while borrowing money off his parents, because they are 'saving' to build their house, they were refused planning permission twice now and its looking less likely they will ever get the 'dream' house...and im worried because if im right, i knew all along it was the house she wanted not their son...and if i say nothing ill feel really bad knowing i could have prevented this,

but then if i do say something whats to say she doesn't really love her OH and it was just a drunken mistake (i have to say drunk or not ive never encountered someone say something like that)


i feel so caught in the middle having to 'pretend' everythings ok when we are down there and they go on about how they are being 'robbed' by the council not allowing them to build on 'their' own land....if anything i think the council may be doing my brother in law a favour.

what do i do?

Ickle Magoo

What does your partner say? It's his parents and brother and if anyone is to say anything I think it should be him. You've told your other half, let him deal with his family if I was you, I'd keep well out of it.

They've been together for 4.5yrs, she's known the parents 2 yrs longer - I think it would be a disaster if you tried to stick your oar in and bad mouth her, especially over a drunken comment from 2 yrs ago.

Donkey Oaty

How are you caught in the middle? There's no decision to be made here, rather a point about how to handle the situation.

If it was me, I would forget about the drunken conversation, and when it comes down to the disagreements about planning permission etc, either:

1) speak my mind, and damn the consequences

2) diplomatically hint at my view so that they didn't talk about things in a way that implied my agreement

or

3) if it's such a big issue, avoid them.

Can't think of any alternatives.

Neyite

totally agree with Ickle Magoo.

your partner said that it was best to forget it. is your dislike of her so bad that you are willing to really upset the man you love, along with his entire family? familys are funny - this kind of war you would start would stay with you as long as you are with your OH.

when you have someone you are planning and dreaming of a home with, its easy to get giddy - my OH is building me my dream home too - and im proud to say it - thanks to him choosing to join in a mortgage with me, and share my life, we will have our dream home. that doesnt mean that im materialistic, or that i am not sharing the cost, just in love:)

i cant see any way that you can say something to the family without the messenger being shot for it. you told your OH, you risk your relationship if you get involved in this.

greenprincess

I would stay well out of it!! If your OH's parents really like her and you go throwing accusations around ( regardless if its true or not) she will def fall out with you and his parents might side.....
Just forget about it a lot of stupid things have been said while drunk.
For example, (altho its not hidden from anyone so not really the same)
Out one night with my family and boyfriend a sister of mine said what would I say if my boyfriend proposed and I said ah I'd say yes if the rock was big enough!! That was just a joke but by someone that doesnt really know me they might have thought I was being serious and hence only with my boyfriend for money. Something which couldnt be further from the truth!!

How Strange

OP, how are you stuck in the middle? More to the point, why are you still obsessing about a drunken comment that was made 2 years ago?

IMO, you come across as being a bit jealous and resentful of the brother's gf.

It's none of your business why your OH's brother and gf are together. What goes on in their relationship and how they act together is their business and if you see yourself as being part of your OH's family in the future then you'd do well to mind your own business and say or do nothing.

Taltos

OP - I too fail to see how you are stuck in the middle here?

You received a strange/questionable comment from a drunk - you informed your OH... So how does this mean you are caught in the middle here???

Yes I get you like your OH's parents and you do not want to see them being taken for a ride, but - your OH knows. Am pretty sure having brothers he has let his own brother know. But the fact is - they are all adults and are free to make their own choices and mistakes.

Suggest you leave well enough alone, do what you can to avoid this person and focus instead on your own relationship. Worrying like this about someone else's relationship will eventually put pressure on your own, for example if my OH started obsessing about my brother's relationship I would not be impressed at all... By continuing to interfere here - you do risk your own relationship and could cause family problems by setting the two brothers at odds with each other.

Every relationship has it's own risks of success / failure - but to be honest - having already let your OH know TWO years ago - you need to leave well enough alone already.

newtoboards

You're judging their 4 year relationship based on a drunken throw away comment two years ago. Even if she loves him because he's supporting her realisation of a dream is that not love? Does she not do kind things for her boyfriend and his family because that is all that matters to be honest. I tell my husband i'll love him more if he gets me more presents but it's a stupid throw away comment and if someone reads into that then that's their problem. My husband knows it's not true!
It's also his choice to buy her gifts from wherever he wants and where he gets the money from is not your concern. Perhaps try being her friend and not resenting her and move on from one stupid drunken comment

Skinfull

Sounds like one of my sisters in law. Snob. All about the tags and labels and my bro went into HUGE debt to build this supposed dream house and kit it out. We all see it but my brother.

But feck it, I'm not married to her, none of us are except my brother so its none of my business. If my brother is too thick to realise it on his own them my pointing it out will only turn him against me.

Back away OP, its none of your business.

Denimgirl

How Strange wrote: »

OP, how are you stuck in the middle? More to the point, why are you still obsessing about a drunken comment that was made 2 years ago?

IMO, you come across as being a bit jealous and resentful of the brother's gf.

It's none of your business why your OH's brother and gf are together. What goes on in their relationship and how they act together is their business and if you see yourself as being part of your OH's family in the future then you'd do well to mind your own business and say or do nothing.

Totally agree!! well said!