How do I know if it is over?

LegacyUser

I'm going unreg for this. I'm 27 year old female. I'm in a relationship with my oh for nearly seven years now - we've lived together for four.

About two years ago we went through a rocky patch - well I did - and I talked about it with him. He seemed to think everything was okay. We both agreed to put the effort in and get the spark back again. Since then, it seems to go in cycles - I make a huge effort, things improve, I start to think that it is over, then I make an effort again... etc. But its starting to be one step forward and two steps back. He is dropping hints about getting engaged and married. Three years ago I would have been over the moon but now I feel like it is too late. I'm not sure if he really wants that or whether he thinks its time to "**** or get off the pot". I'm just so torn. I love him and can't imagine my life without him but at the same time I can't bear the thought of this being it forever. I'm not in love with him, most of the time I don't feel anything. I make the effort and I'm probably due an oscar at this stage but I just don't enjoy being intimate with him. I love him but I don't fancy him anymore. I don't want to waste any more years for either of us if we are not meant to be but I'm terrified of breaking up with him only to realise that I made a mistake. We get on so well in the normal day to day things of life but is that enough? How can I go back and recapture how I felt about him in the beginning.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Just to add. I wish I knew whether or not he feels the same way so at least we could agree to take some time to work things through and decide one way or the other. Sometimes I'm sure he must feel the same as me but I don't know how to ask without opening the can of worms. Lately I've been wishing that he'd score some girl on a lads night out so that, even though I'd be hurt, I'd have an excuse to have to some out to think about it all.

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

If you are not in love with him, you don't fancy him and you don't enjoy being intimate with him then as a romantic relationship it is already over as things stand.

If you really want to turn the clock back then you need to tell your boyfriend how you feel, he needs to want to change things sufficiently to help you fall in love with him again - and he needs to make the effort to keep the spark there, I don't think this is something you can do yourself just by wanting it.

Perhaps give yourself a time-line of what you want in a relationship and when you'd like to have it and give things one more try with both of you acknowledging it's last chance saloon time and if things just keep collapsing then you know it's unlikely to ever change. Would you consider suggesting relationship counselling or some sort of mediation?

Best of luck

Contessa Raven

need a crystal ball wrote: »

I love him and can't imagine my life without him but at the same time I can't bear the thought of this being it forever.

I'm not in love with him, most of the time I don't feel anything. I just don't enjoy being intimate with him. I love him but I don't fancy him anymore. I don't want to waste any more years for either of us if we are not meant to be but I'm terrified of breaking up with him only to realise that I made a mistake. We get on so well in the normal day to day things of life but is that enough? How can I go back and recapture how I felt about him in the beginning.

Hi, OP.

I understand that you are probably trying to make the effort in an attempt to recapture the sparkle from the beginning of the relationship. But if you aren't in love with him and you don't like being intimate with him, how can things improve?

It is possible to recapture the magic from the beginning of the relationship but it takes both partners to pull their socks up. I get the impression that he isn't but have you asked him to? Maybe set aside a date night one night a week where you go out on the town and wine and dine each other. Then go for a romantic stroll or to a cozy little pub and just talk. It's amazing how many couples fall into the trap of talking about work, college, friends and nothing else. Try and find out things about each other that you never knew before. Take up new hobbies together so that you have more to talk about other than the everyday boring stuff.

I can't give much else in terms of advice, but it does sound like your relationship is crumbling through sheer apathy. Try make him see how it's hurting the relationship. He may wake up if he realises how far down the slippery slope you are.

Good luck!

CR

LegacyUser

I did talk to him when I started to realise before that things were getting a bit dead and he did try to put in the effort but he just didn't get it. He seemed to think I was just being "emotional" or it was just me being a girl, etc.

I'm convinced he is going to propose in the next few months and I don't want him to. I can't say yes when the truth is that I don't know but I just can't say no and hurt him. I want him to feel the same way as me.

I think that if we lived separately then we would have drifted apart already and we are only still together because we live together. You're right about the apathy - its not that I DONT love him, it's that I don't LOVE him (does that come across okay - hard to explain in text rather than by voice intonation).

I guess I'm just afraid. Afraid of making a huge mistake on the one hand and on the other afraid of wasting both our lives.

LegacyUser

Hi there,
I know exactly how you feel, I was in the exact situation, excepy we have a child, and I allowed this to continue for years. I finally made the move last year, and I am so happy I did. I still see him a lot and we are still great friends which is great for our child.

Anyway I loved him so much...couldnt imagine life without him, my rock, support..everything...but I didnt fancy him, and went throught the motions. We spoke about it so many times, and it was brushed under the carpet...I began to resent him and more so myself...And then the worse thing I start feeling attracted to other men...and one in particular....but I am proud to admit I didnt do anything about it....but it made me think...what am I doing. I was with this guy since I was very young, I felt I missed out on so much....

I now have my own place, I am not with anyone, and happy about that...And we even talked about maybe down the line giving it another go...right now I dont know...but he will always be special to me....and if those feelings come back I will be happy to do so....

I really think some time apart my help you...you will not make a decision living in the same house....and weeks, months and maybe years will go by....I would suggest you sit down and talk to him before he does ask you to marry him..you may say yes just so you wont hurt him!!!! You will continue to go around in cirlces if you dont....all the what if's....Am I making a mistake??, what if he meets somebody else if we break up?? "What if I marry him and I am not in love with him?? etc etc....

Tell him you love him, but need some time on your own before you take it to the next level....you owe it to him it isnt fair on him...

best of luck

need a crystal ball wrote: »

I did talk to him when I started to realise before that things were getting a bit dead and he did try to put in the effort but he just didn't get it. He seemed to think I was just being "emotional" or it was just me being a girl, etc.

I'm convinced he is going to propose in the next few months and I don't want him to. I can't say yes when the truth is that I don't know but I just can't say no and hurt him. I want him to feel the same way as me.

I think that if we lived separately then we would have drifted apart already and we are only still together because we live together. You're right about the apathy - its not that I DONT love him, it's that I don't LOVE him (does that come across okay - hard to explain in text rather than by voice intonation).

I guess I'm just afraid. Afraid of making a huge mistake on the one hand and on the other afraid of wasting both our lives.