I hate hanging out with partners family

LegacyUser

My partner expects us to visit his folks a lot, and his sister is always saying he doesn't do enough for their parents. We are buying a house so we have more than enought to be getting on with sorting out our own lives! His mum is always insisting we go for sunday lunch, which I hate because it means he gets a list of jobs while Im stuck making small talk with his mum, sister and the grandkids. I know its important to him, but I can think of many other ways I would like to spend my weekends.
I refused to go last sunday and he said his mum was very upset and I would have to make it up by helping her out next weekend. I can't see why a grown woman might be hurt that I would not want to see her every weekend. I feel like he is pandering to his parents, who are retired and don't seem to have much going on besides their family, so they expect a gang of us to liven up their sundays.
My parents are running a business and don't have time to get upset about this type of nonsense, nor do they emotionally blackmail me by acting hurt if I don't see them for a few weeks. I have told him we have our own lives and should not be at the beck and call of his parents, he agrees but as soon as he is talking to his mum or dad and gets off the phone its "I said we'd be there at six for dinner". I am tearing my hair out!!!
I know this might seem ranting and all over the place but I cannot spend another Sunday watching him get bossed around by his dad, being given odd jobs and having to ooh and aah at kids running around!!!

LegacyUser

Why dont you make the excuse that you have to go to your parents every second Sunday as they are feeling left out with you spending every Sunday with your OHs parents. They should surely understand that seeing as they take the Sunday visit so seriously.

That should give you some breathing space & then you can slowly ease off so that it's a once a month visit

LegacyUser

My partner expects us to visit his folks a lot

So it's important to him to spend time with his family.

his sister is always saying he doesn't do enough for their parents

So the family supports each other.

His mum is always insisting we go for sunday lunch, which I hate because it means he gets a list of jobs while Im stuck making small talk with his mum, sister and the grandkids.

His family enjoy spending time with each other, and like to be involved in each others lives.

My parents are running a business and don't have time to get upset about this type of nonsense, nor do they emotionally blackmail me by acting hurt if I don't see them for a few weeks.

Your family don't do this, that's not better or worse, it's just different.

I have told him we have our own lives and should not be at the beck and call of his parents, he agrees but as soon as he is talking to his mum or dad and gets off the phone its "I said we'd be there at six for dinner". I am tearing my hair out!!!

It seems to me, that he likes the way his family do things, and even though objectively he might agree with your arguments his actions are speaking volumes.

I don't see anything in what you've written that says your boyfriend is unhappy to spend so much time with his family, or that he dislikes being at his parents beck and call, or that he dislikes being "bossed around by his dad". He seems to be very much of the "extended family are great and should form a key part of our social and support network" school of thinking. You seem to be of the "we operate as a couple and look after ourselves" school.

That's a pretty big difference in how you want to live the rest of your life. I think you really need to find out how he sees the future, and how much time he sees himself spending with his family, especially if you ever have a family of your own. I suspect those expectations are vastly different.

LegacyUser

I feel your pain OP.MY other half is an only child...resulting in his parents camping out in our kitchen/living room every Saturday afternoon without fail. I work long hard hours and have little or no time to myself during the week - the weekend is spent cramming in all the things that need doing and can't get done during the week, along with trying to spend some time with him, and my own parents and sisters. As a result, when I open the door at 2 on a saturday afternoon, and see his parents there - again - my heart sinks. I have to drop everything and sit talking about nothing with them for several hours(and I should point out, they're not that interested in talking to me, only to him).His mum doesn't work and he is her entire focus...she rings him nearly every night of the week (I don't understand what they have left to say when they arrive on Saturdays!)
Both my own parents work, and honestly, I barely see them once a week. I know that sounds bad, but I try, and so do they - it just doesn't always work out that they're both there when I am. To me, Sundays are a time for calling out to see people - not the middle of a Saturday afternoon!! And I'm fed up of seeing more of his parents than mine - it's so bad at this stage that his best friend who's known them for years (and so makes a lot of allowances!) remarked to me the other day that my OH's parents always seemed to be in the house.
I've yet to figure out my situation, but with yours, I think you need to put your foot down and just let his mother be disappointed. And why should you have to go help her out? She'll get over it, get into the habit of only going once every 3 or 4 weeks and they'll get used to it. Seriously tell him you'd like to see a little less of his parents since you see so little of yours - that's kind of worked for me.Sounds like he's the only son, so he's probably the shining light of their lives.But you're entitled to your life too.

Redpunto

I wouldnt think it unreasonable to say every second weekend, what happens in my house is that he normally brings himself and the kids down to his house when im in work so i can get out of it! The kids get to see their grandparents and I have the ultimate excuse! It is a fact though that when you are in a long-term relationship you also have to accept the extended family, albeit to a certain extent.

Darlughda

Sounds like you have gotten yourself into a relationship with a classic Irish mammy's boy. Yes, some people just dig that whole hang out with the inlaws and parents and grandkids thing and grand for them. I would rather bathe in eels.

I'm with you, OP, that whole set up sounds like hell.
First of all you have the manipulative strategies going on from the sister 'his sister is always saying he doesn't do enough for their parents.'
So, he is basically wheeled in for a lifetime of 'proving' how much he does?

Then you have the crazy passive-aggressive strategies of the mother, who sounds like a right cow, imo.
'I refused to go last sunday and he said his mum was very upset and I would have to make it up by helping her out next weekend. '

But, what you are not facing up to is his cowardly, manipulative behaviour.

You have bought a house together which means that this relationship is about full commitment and equal partnership. How dare he continue on with this kind of being married to his family behaviour because he is too weak to cut the apron strings and expects you to follow suit and play nice?

You shouldn't have to hang out with his family, ever, if you don't feel like it. Your relationship comes first, before his family, and you have to get assertive and state your feelings and position on this.

username123

Totally agree with Darlughda.

Why does he have to go doing jobs for them? Why do you have to 'make it up to his mam by helping out' - thats just ridiculuous. Adults dont have this kind of co-dependant relationship. If, out of respect and genuine liking, you fancy helping his mother out - grand. But you should never just be expected to do it. The sister sounds like a mini mammy herself.

You really need to talk to your partner about this.

newtoboards

I hear your pain op with the emotional blackmail. The only advice I can give you is not to feed into it. If you want to do stuff for his family then fine but don't be forced into it. You'll end up hating them if you do. If your partner wants to go every weekend and do the odd jobs that's his choice but he has to understand you have a choice too and shouldn't agree to you going without your consent. Explain to him your desire to spend a weekend or two a month doing things together away from everyone and even plan things. Something once a month to start with is a good idea. Could be as simple as bringing him to watch a match and pub grub on a sunday. If he says no then you need to let him go spend the time with his family but explain that you won't always go because of housework, meeting friends or whatever else you might be doing. Don't tell him it's his family thats keeping you away.

Beruthiel

imnicereally wrote: »

His mum is always insisting we go for sunday lunch, which I hate because it means he gets a list of jobs while Im stuck making small talk with his mum, sister and the grandkids. I know its important to him, but I can think of many other ways I would like to spend my weekends.
I refused to go last sunday and he said his mum was very upset and I would have to make it up by helping her out next weekend

Eh, no.
See the problem here is, you should have put your foot down long ago.

First off, are ye joined at the hip? If he wants to spend X amount of time with his Ma, let him off, but don't for one second allow him to think that you are oblidged to do the same.

As for 'making it up to her', fuk off. Seriously, he is doing and saying this crap because you have allowed it.
No way in hell I'd spend my precious weekends with my fella's Ma. Now and again, fine, all the time? Not a snowballs chance in hell.
Put your foot down.

Beruthiel

OH only child wrote: »

I have to drop everything and sit talking about nothing with them for several hours(and I should point out, they're not that interested in talking to me, only to him).

You know what you do there, you leave them to it.
If you've got stuff to do round the house, do it.
Eventually, they might get the hint.
Also, why hasn't he told them they can't come round next Saturday cos ye are doing x, y or z?

LegacyUser

It is such a relief to find out I am not a b!tch but someone who has a valid point of view!!!

Thing is, I grew up in a family where we did not hang out together all the time. I love my siblings and parents but I don't need to touch base with them every week to let them know I haven't forgotten about them!!!
I wouldn't mind if his folks were grateful when we called over but he gets a list of chores from his dad (gardening, home repairs etc) while I get stung helping his sister and mum mind the grandkids (I am not into kids, different when I have my own).
I am worried that as he has put this in train, its going to be hard for him to realise the two of us are now a "family" and our relationship should come first. I know my parents are happy to see us, but if I want to catch up with them I can use this great invention called the telephone to chat for an hour and I don't need to head on over for a day!!!

I think I will have to phase this out and if his mum or dad want to guilt him into helping out, well that is something he'll have to do on his own and not involve me with.

username123

OP - I dont see my in-laws too often (maybe once every 10 days and some visits would literally be a quick cup of tea). When I do go along with my hubby for a 'visit', I see it as a pleasant opportunity to be handed a cup of tea, a nice biscuit, a pleasant chat, and a catch up on the sunday papers (which they always hang onto for me to look at).

Sometimes if Im busy or dont feel like it I dont go on the visit at all. Its no big deal either way.

In return for such a pleasant hour or so of reading someone elses papers and being fed tea and biscuits I often have my FIL around for a bit of dinner, help him out with stuff on the computer, pick up bits in the shops if he needs them, invite him along for walks in the park, give him a quick phonecall to see how he is doing etc... But none of the above is forced. Both myself and hubby have been exceptionally busy recently and Ive not seen or spoken to any of the in laws in over 2 weeks, and no one would even notice.

Theyre nice people and Ive no objection to any of the above, but if I was being forced into a long visit every week and being emotionally blackmailed if I didnt comply, Id freak out.

As for the helping out with minding kids. I dont dislike kids but they are below my radar, I just dont take any notice of them. As a result they take no notice of me, and their parents never expect me to help out minding them because I wouldnt notice if they were doing something they shouldnt and parents generally like people a bit more observant and interested when it comes to minding their kids.

Id just be pleasant and firm about it if I were you. Next sunday tell him you dont fancy going over because you want to do (whatever it is you want to do), dont make a big deal, its not a big deal. If he looks all horrified and hard done by, tell him that youre not stopping him from going, you just dont fancy it yourself.

LegacyUser

Don't worry OP, you're not a bitch! I know it sounds horrible, and I feel horrible saying it too. At the end of the day you're trying to build a life together, and that means you guys have to come first. You're not unreasonable. (as I type, my OH is answering the phone to his mother, and she's discussing the weather with him).I'm the same as you with contacting my parents.

It is deeply frustrating.You're not under any obligation to see his parents every week and don't feel bad that you find it a bit annoying. In my case aswell, my OH's mother asks about every last aspect of my life - and he tells her!!! I often have her asking me about stuff I haven't had a chance to tell my own parents yet, often private or quite important personal things - and it's so incredibly annoying.

Don't worry OP you're not on your own!

Denimgirl

Please don't be like my sister inlaw who actually broke up our family coz she is a hen pecked my brother so much now he's more with her family and we hardly ever see him.i would never do that to my boyfriend he is very close to his mam and coz of what my sister in law did to us i would never say anything it's his family and it's not my business once a week is not bad only for a few hours. he wil resent you if you keep complaining about his family and you don't have to go all the time.

barbiegirl

Balance is what is needed. My hubbie and I come from very different families and you have to learn to accept you other halves family or you are going to cause life long issues.
You need to emphasise to your hubbie, that every second Sunday you'd like to go to lunch, just the two of you, or visit your parents, or just laze about in your pj's. It's not about liking or dis-liking, though I do get the feeling you dislike your in-laws, it's just about balance.
As to the kids thing and him helping around the house, sorry but that is just his family dymanic and you have to accept it cause you can't change it.
This is a long term relationship and you should be able to talk about this subject cause if you can't how will you handle the really hard things.
Please when you talk about this don't be negative about his family because it will only drive a wedge between the two of you. View and present the change as positive, how would you like it if he said he found your family cold and distant because you don't see one another a lot. I'd bet it would hurt, well don't cause him that same hurt.
Best of luck and tread lightly, remember every long term relationship contains an element of compromise it seems you both have to work one out here.

doireann08

Hi

OP, I went out with a guy for a few years and you are describing my situation to a T

My ex was a classic Mummy's boy, but his mother became more and more demanding and they were making more and more demands of me. In the end it was a deal breaker for me. I couldn't marry him as while it is great that my ex got on with his family and spend so much time with them. His mother, sister and my ex had a lack of respect for me and my choices.... that is the was the clincher for me.

You and your partner obviously have completely different perceptions of family life, this may not be the core problem itself, but does your partner respect your feelings when you say you need some space to spend time with your own family or time together. If he doesn't .. then a serious conversation needs to be had ..
How long are you together?

LegacyUser

Hi guys,
Just wanted to give an update. As it had been arranged ages ago, we went out to celebrate his mums birthday on saturday night. My partner's sister decided to take this chance to guilt us into a further celebration for the dad's birthday in august by joining them on a family holiday for a week in a house they've rented in Cork. Thank god he didn't committ to it, he mumble something about not having time off then, but his sister has phoned a few times to see if we're going.
It is my idea of hell to spend a week with them because I know we'll be used as babysitters and as his mum has ideas on how women should be in the home I know I and his sister will be doing all the cooking and cleaning.
I am putting my foot down and saying if he wants to go, fair enough, but I am not going and won't be made feel guilty about it.

dontbemean

My mum and dad's marriage broke down because although our family lived 70 miles away from his family, he would still go up to see them every weekend and 'escape' there after every row they had.

I think personally that if you buy a house with somebody, you're setting up a life and family with them. You should be your partner's number one priority. If this isn't the case, resentment will probably boil over eventually. As a child of this kind of marriage I can tell you that it isn't fun unless you two can work something out, OP.

Bobbity

I think it's lovely his sister asked you to spend holidays with them. My DH has two sisters he doesn't speak to, his father died a couple of years ago, and because of rift with sisters, DH never got the time with his Dad he should have, without a row about said sisters coming up. When he died, a lot went unsaid, and you can't take back the time. Don't begrudge your OH this time with his parents.
Just mention casually, while everyone is present, that maybe in future, you might visit every second sunday, as setting up house you want the weekends to yourselves, and you also need to find time for your own parents. Just be firm, and stick to it. If your OH makes an arrangement to see them outside of this, let him go on his own. I used to do that.
Good luck with it, it takes a few years to settle the family thing, but stand firm, without been bossy, he obviously gets enough of that at his parents.

LegacyUser

Op i understand where you are coming from, my OH loves spending time with his family too and i'm dumped the minute we walk in the door. Now i'm lucky i get on great with them so i dont mind but sometimes I get annoyed with it all so wont go.

Re the holiday, you know what a weeks holiday will be like with them and if you think it will be you cooking and babysitting them don't go. You have to talk to you OH and explain, i'm sure he is intelligent enough and will agree with you if it is pointed out, sometimes people can be very blinkered with it comes to their own family and just dont see these situations.
A compromise might be to say we'll come down for a weekend/night but cant take any time off work and make him promise that you wont be babysitting or anything like that.

The key to it is making him see what it is like for you when you visit.

Elle Collins

I think it's very sad to see the attitude from some posters that as soon as a man commits the woman who carried him for nine months, wiped his arse, got up in the night etc etc etc, should just be assigned to the scrap heap of his life. I think it is an unfortunate attitude and I think that for some women it's most likely rooted in a possessive sort of jealousy.

That's not to say anyone should be expected to live in their in-laws earholes. There is no onus on the OP to arrive along to these dinners if she doesn't want to, but no woman should try to put her oar in between a man visiting his own mother.

shellyboo

Elle Collins wrote: »

There is no onus on the OP to arrive along to these dinners if she doesn't want to, but no woman should try to put her oar in between a man visiting his own mother.

There is onus because she's being made to feel bad about it. Her husband will not back her up and help his wife get the space she needs. It's very unfair.

username123

Elle Collins wrote: »

I think it's very sad to see the attitude from some posters that as soon as a man commits the woman who carried him for nine months, wiped his arse, got up in the night etc etc etc, should just be assigned to the scrap heap of his life. I think it is an unfortunate attitude and I think that for some women it's most likely rooted in a possessive sort of jealousy.

Where has anyone suggested that the OPs partners mother should be consigned to the scrapheap of life? The OPs issue is that she personally does not want to have to spend hours and hours of time with her partners family, or be forced into doing jobs for them (totally different to ask/offer to do jobs, but to be made feel bad for not doing them is toxic behaviour on the part of the OPs family). The OP does not see her own family nearly so much - has her mother been consigned to the scrapheap of life? I dont think so.

To suggest is it rooted in some sort of possessive jealousy is correct - but its not possessive jealousy on the part of the OP, its on the part of his mother, who wants to control her childrens lives, and control the OPs life and the time that the OP spends in her company is time dancing to this womans tune - being expected to help out with babysitting, doing jobs etc.... The woman needs a new focus - her kids are grown up, she needs a new hobby.

The family holiday sounds like a nightmare. I would rather chew off my own foot than be trapped in a house for a week with in-laws who expected me to babysit, cook, and otherwise controlled my life. How is that a relaxing holiday under any circumstances? OP - in your shoes I would just flat refuse the holiday - no way would I go on it.

miec

I am putting my foot down and saying if he wants to go, fair enough, but I am not going and won't be made feel guilty about it.

Hi Op

You are right to put your foot down in this instance, and I think you are wise to let him visit his family when he wants to and choose when you want to go along as well. If it happens that you don't want to go at all then make that your choice. Your partner will have to accept your decision and you will have to accept that he either wants to see his family or feels too guilty not to see them. Keep honouring yourself, that is all you can do.

Neyite

imnicereally wrote: »

I refused to go last sunday and he said his mum was very upset and I would have to make it up by helping her out next weekend.

really curious as to what this woman means by this omnious statement.

helping out in the OH mammies is fine, but it should be your choice, not expected of you.

getting very upset is manipulative and extreme from a grown woman.

what on earth was your 'sin' that you have to 'make it up to her' ffs how old is this woman??

what a headwreck.

Neyite

imnicereally wrote: »

Hi guys,
Just wanted to give an update. As it had been arranged ages ago, we went out to celebrate his mums birthday on saturday night. My partner's sister decided to take this chance to guilt us into a further celebration for the dad's birthday in august by joining them on a family holiday for a week in a house they've rented in Cork. Thank god he didn't committ to it, he mumble something about not having time off then, but his sister has phoned a few times to see if we're going.
It is my idea of hell to spend a week with them because I know we'll be used as babysitters and as his mum has ideas on how women should be in the home I know I and his sister will be doing all the cooking and cleaning.
I am putting my foot down and saying if he wants to go, fair enough, but I am not going and won't be made feel guilty about it.

:eek: dont go. state point blank your annual leave will not be used up minding other peoples kids and feeding them...in fact, book something quickly, so that it clashes, and pretend you got the dates wrong.