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Help - stand off!

  • 05-05-2010 2:40pm
    #1
    gangie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27 ✭


    Hi all,
    Im just looking for some advice. Have had a major falling out with my partner of 2 years. We live together and are expecting our first baby. We have a great re;lationship and love each other very much but money has been very tight the last year since he lost his job and it causes some arguments.

    We were getting behind on rent, bills, loan and credit card repayments so went to Mabs a while ago and got a budget drawn up. We have been putting away the monthy rent by the week and that is working well, much less stressful to be able to pay on time. I work and earn about 450 he is getting dole and rent allowance which comes to about 250.

    Yday he rang me while I was at work and said that his best mate had rang him and asked him if he could return some money he owed him from ages ago. He said he really needed it and so my OH decided to give him all of his dole this week. Our rent is due today and I dont get paid until tommor, also, we are moving to a new house because of the baby and I have prmoised to pay the deposit in full next week. I have budgeted to put 100 euro away each week and that has been fine until now. Because he paid his mate, we are down deposit money, rent money and money to live on.

    Basically I am so angry with him I cannot tell you. I explained why so angry and he agrees he was wrong to hand over money without discussing it with me first, but is adamant that he was between a rock and a hard place because his friend was stuck and he felt he had to pay waht he owed. I feel like Im second best and that our needs come second. I am under pressure now to make sure there is enough in the pot to cover the rent, the new house deposit and keep a rein on the budget.

    I do understand where he is comming from, you have to pay what you owe but he should have talked to me first. We are at a stand of - I have screamed, shouted, explained properly, given him the silent treatment all evening (not out of childishness but because all that had to be said has been said) he slept on the couch for the first time ever last night and Im really worried where to go from here. I know he was in the wrong, but now Im feeling guilty - its not like he spent it on beer or something but still!!

    So what now? Can can we resolve this? As far as im concerend this is not acceptable on so many levels, we should be a team and our finances should reflect his. I never make decisions re: money without talking to him first even thought at the moment I earn more nad therefore pay for most of the bills ect.

    Im sorry for the long post - had to get this off my chest. Have to go home tonight to sort things out but Im afraid of giving in aswell as being afraid that we'll still be fighting about this as I really do love him and I hate fighting. Any ideas?
    Thanks for listening x


Comments

  • #2
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    Hey OP,

    I think there is little point in shouting, screaming and silent treatments, it solves nothing. You have to draw a line under this, sit him down and discuss boundaries, what you mind and don't mind, what you would like to be consulted about, how finances are distributed in the future, etc and let him do likewise and thrash out a compromise.

    If you feel second best then I suspect there is more to it that this one incident and that needs to be discussed to. You need to set out boundaries and if they are crossed you either redefine them; make sure they are obvious, or find someone who will respect them.

    Handing over all your money to a "mate" and expecting your partner to cough up despite not discussing things shows a distinct lack of respect and a worrying assumption that you will just suck it up...make his taking you for granted doesn't become a regular thing.

    Best of luck.


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