Why won't he have sex with me

LegacyUser

I really dont know how to explain this I know there are lots of similar threads on here about this but it is really getting me down I am at my wits end now and considering ending my relationship .
He just wont have sex with me he says he loves me but is constantly rejecting me . When we first met there was loads of sex it was intimate and fantastic now its non existent .
It started with excuses I'm tired I'm sore , I'm feeling sick >
I only see him at week ends and I want him so bad the rejection is killing me .
I have asked him to see his doctor but its been another month of rejections and he just hasn't gone . When he does agree to have sex it seems to be all about getting it over with he has even stopped and said its a bit too much for you we had better stop you are getting carried away with yourself i really can't take any more . I am beginning to think he is seeing someone else and am going nuts driving myself mad thinking about it .
I am dreading Friday when i go to stay with him for the weekend again i can't even explain how much i need sex right now but i know i will end up in tears again Friday night .
Maybe if i am lucky late on Saturday night there will be some form of sex basically to shut me up which he will finish by saying i think thats enough sex for you.
Seriously what the hell is that about?
I think he is deliberately with holding sex and rationing it . I have no idea why but that is what it feels like to me.
This is effecting me badly i thought we would spend the rest of our lives together but it is so hard for me to handle i jusr need some one to hold me .
Help me i don't know what to do.

smaaaa

jeese thats a toughy
you have to tell him how this is effecting you and see whats up
some people just have a low sex drive but there might be something more to it

vicecreamsundae

wow OP it really does sound like he is rationing it! maybe it's some kind of control issue?

i can't even imagine the thought process behind someone stopping and saying "no, you're getting too carried away, that's enough sex for you".

definitely bring it up. it's a major issue and you shouldn't have to pretend that it's not. tell him his lack of desire is really upsetting you, and that if he thinks he knows what might be causing it you can be patient and understanding, but that if he's happy enough with this situation and has no intention to work this out, there's a big problem.
you thought you were entering a romantic and sexual relationship. his attitude to sex reflects neither of those things. i'd give him a chance to explain, but if he wasn't looking for a solution, i'd walk.

Exclamation Marc

If it is bothering you as much as it seems to be, your best bet is to confront him about it, saying more or less what you've said above.

You're in a relationship so you should be open with each other. If the sex was there and now is not, then it's not as if your dreaming it up. Yes, sometimes the spark fizzles, but this seems like he's deliberately avoiding sex.

Even if he's only giving you "sex to shut you up", there's no intimacy there and if you need that, you need to explain that to him, because you'll only be here next week feeling the same.

You need to lay it out for him. Relationships are all about compromise, and if you need this and he doesnt want it at all, there should be some sort of compromise. So sit down with him and talk with him, and don't just say "there's no sex", tell him how you feel that the little sex you do have lacks any intimacy and it's that which you need.

Mention all the times you've tried, and that all the rejections are far too coincendental to not be hinting towards a bigger problem. If you are this concerned about it, you need to write down to yourself all the things all you want to say, and sit him down and talk to him about it, and that you can't go on without some sort of compromise (and that just meaningless sex won't suffice.)

There has to be a reason, and if he can't give you one or can't change it, and you can't continue the way it's going, then you have to walk away, because you can't completely sacrifice all you need.

pwd

"said its a bit too much for you we had better stop you are getting carried away with yourself i really can't take any more"
"which he will finish by saying i think thats enough sex for you."

That's a bit mad. Unless you're both men and he's on the receiving end, which maybe would explain the can't take any more thing.

It does sound like some funny control thing. Or that he doesn't really like you any more. Like he's physically able to do it. He'd be as frustrated as you are, unless he's redirected his energies...Which might indicate cheating,,, or obsessive masturbation,,, or something unusual.

miss5

Agree with thther posters it sounds like a control issue.
I think you need to tell him how your feeling and possiblyhe needs to see
a Doctor.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

To tell you the truth he sounds sadistic, you're constantly getting upset about this and his answer is to dole sex out in tiny amounts and then stop if you enjoy it too much? Does he get a of thrill out of watching you beg and plead and get upset? Honestly sweetie I'd be walking away from that one, I wouldn't be talking to him about it either I'd just plain leave, my dignity and self-respect wouldn't let me allow someone to treat me like some nympho dog that gets sex as a threat. That sounds very very very humiliating. Honestly it sounds to me like he has some weird control issue or a sadistic streak just walk away, honestly he doesn't sound like a keeper to me, he sounds like someone that's going to make your life a misery.

Best of luck,
P.

LegacyUser

Hi op here thanks so much everyone for your replies

Peggypeg wrote: »

Hey OP,

some nympho dog that gets sex as a threat.
Best of luck,
P.

Peggypeg you really described exactly how the whole thing makes me feel I couldn't really explain it to myself or any one else but that is it exactly . When we first starting seeing each other I explained to him that I had a very high sex drive and if I didn't have sex regularly I would get very stressed and it would affect other areas of my life . I'm sitting here thinking back over the our relationship and there was signs of him rationing and dictating from the start . I thought at first it was just a miss match in sex drives which i can except and handle quite well by helping myself out and with exercise and relaxing not everyone can match exactly and if a relationship is good then it is always worth it .
it really is more about how he behaves towards me he knows very well how I am and how it upsets me . But I do love him very much and we have been together for 3 years and I really can't imagine life with out him i have a lot invested in this and I really don't know if I can handle going back to being single. Before I meet him i really did have a huge problem with sex and I really did the most stupidest things because of it . it might sound a bit silly given the way things are right now but I really have learned to respect my self in the last 3 years with him and I know if we spilt up i will fall back in to the same old patterns I really can't do sex any-more for the sake of it , and i had lots of partners I cant if begin to think how many and can't even remember some of their names . I never any intimacy with anyone , he was the first guy I had this with and i was 30 when I met him . i think intimacy is what is missing now and what hurts the most .
Oh and just wanted to say that i'm a girl .

LegacyUser

whats wrong wrote: »

said its a bit too much for you we had better stop you are getting carried away with yourself i really can't take any more .

I've never come across this or heard about it before. It is a very weird statement to utter.
Based on what others have said, maybe he is a sadist.
Or maybe he is trying to punish or control you. Did you do anything wrong in the relationship, cheat, embarrass, disrespect him, that could be making him behave this way ?

Either way, you need to get out of the relationship, he has serious issues, break up before his issues damage you.

disgruntled09

I agree with the control theory - how about on friday night you act like YOU dont want to have sex with him - get into bed, say good-night and turn facing away from him - would love to see his reaction to that! If it bothers him then it's a control thing, if it doesnt i'm afraid he's just not interested.

LegacyUser

dfgdfgdfgd wrote: »

I've never come across this or heard about it before. It is a very weird statement to utter.
Based on what others have said, maybe he is a sadist.
Or maybe he is trying to punish or control you. Did you do anything wrong in the relationship, cheat, embarrass, disrespect him, that could be making him behave this way ?

Either way, you need to get out of the relationship, he has serious issues, break up before his issues damage you.

Hi Op Here I really can't imagine any reason why he would be punishing me i never cheated embarrassed him or disrespected him in any way . Also i have tried that idea the other poster suggested about letting on I don't want sex and just giving him a quick kiss good night he will then say he that he needs a hug or a cuddle . Now I find this hard to describe but I have often thought he was turning me on just to turn any and say he was wrecked but it could be just that I am so strung out for it; its had to tell . if i ask for a cuddle or any affection he will complain that I am pawing at him and tell me to get off him even if its just sitting on the couch watching TV and I am rubbing is back or hair he was always like that from the start he would tell me to leave him alone and control myself > i think I am starting to sound like some sex mad lunatic but really i'm not i just want him to want me. We have had sex twice since Christmas and both times he told me i was getting too carried away with myself and that we should stop i seriously wasn't getting carried away at all it was quite normal really

LegacyUser

TWICE in 5 months jeepeRS sorry but i be gone out the doras in two seconds flat

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been going out and after how long did it become an issue?

I think you need to sit him down and explain you are not happy with the status quo and things have to change if you are to continue having a relationship and see where that leads...it's not fair that one half of a supposed partnership dictates the sex life for both parties - and his comments re you getting carried away are just odd.

Do you not think he's an awful lot of trouble and heart-ache for a guy you only see week-ends?

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

the only reason he's doing this is because he can. I would explain to him assertively this is really not tolerable. If he tries to be condesending etc Give him an ultimatum and stand your ground! If he won't try, then do you really want to be with him for the rest of your life? You said you;re scared of going back to your old ways- but there's one big difference- you have experience of an intimate relationship now. You are a bigger person. There's no saying you can't meet someone else.

miec

f i ask for a cuddle or any affection he will complain that I am pawing at him and tell me to get off him even if its just sitting on the couch watching TV and I am rubbing is back or hair he was always like that from the start he would tell me to leave him alone and control myself > i think I am starting to sound like some sex mad lunatic but really i'm not i just want him to want me. We have had sex twice since Christmas and both times he told me i was getting too carried away with myself and that we should stop i seriously wasn't getting carried away at all it was quite normal really

Hi Op

I am beginning to think that PeggyPeg is right, he is a sadist but why are you accepting mere crumbs, do you not think you deserve better than the above? Personally, (and I have been in your shoes) I would prefer to be alone than have the above happen to me. I know you have invested three years into this relationship but it sounds like a destructive relationship, it sounds as bad as the random encounters you had prior to meeting him. You deserve so much more and much better treatment. Also I don't think the pretending you don't want sex is going to work, I think an honest chat and tell him that you refuse to see him until he sorts himself out or you break up.

seenitall

whats wrong wrote: »

Hi Op Here I really can't imagine any reason why he would be punishing me i never cheated embarrassed him or disrespected him in any way . Also i have tried that idea the other poster suggested about letting on I don't want sex and just giving him a quick kiss good night, he will then say he that he needs a hug or a cuddle . Now I find this hard to describe but I have often thought he was turning me on just to turn any and say he was wrecked but itcould be just that I am sostrung out for it; its had to tell . if i ask for a cuddle or any affection he will complain that I am pawing at him and tell me to get off him even if its just sitting on the couch watching TV and I am rubbing is back or hair he was always like that from the start he would tell me to leave him alone and control myself > i think I am starting to sound like some sex mad lunatic but really i'm not i just want him to want me. We have had sex twice since Christmas and both times he told me i was getting too carried away with myself and that we should stop i seriously wasn't getting carried away at all it was quite normal really

I think your instincts there are spot on. You have already said that he doesn't usually like cuddles or affection, however come bedtime he will suddenly turn into a cuddly person for 3 minutes to get your juices flowing, right before he turns his back on you for the night, leaving you a frustrated wreck?!

This guy could have taught Marquis de Sade a thing or two. He derives his warped pleasure out of watching your frustration. It is a power thing, pure and simple. Watching you squirm and wait around for crumbs is his biggest turn on. He knows you love him and don't love yourself enough to walk away, so he knows he can get away with his little sickness, and he has got you exactly where he wants you.

There is no compromising with sick individuals such as this.

If you love him, stay with him and have a life of unending frustration and battered self-esteem.

If you love yourself, run.

fungun

just one other possibility - if you havent talked this out with him re previous relns etc and if he knew you had a lot of lovers....its possible he may be testing you in terms of that...i.e. can you stay with him even if sex is off the table. If he thinks you had partners who are not 'special' then he may be testing how 'special' he is to you be doing this, even though it sounds like an awfully perverse way to do it. But thats men for you :P

Just a thought.

LegacyUser

I share your pain OP (see my thread Fed up & frustrated) although I think your situation is a bit more extreme than mine but the similarities are there. Bombarded as we are by images and preconceptions of men being predatory and always wanting sex, it is very unexpected and confusing to then be with a man who gets into bed beside you at night, says goodnight (not even a kiss!), rolls over and goes to sleep. You end up lying there thinking "it must be me", you just can't help it. I find that even when I'm not particularly in the mood myself, I still find myself being offended that he's not hassling me for it! Years of society spoonfeeding us stereotypes I suppose but it's almost impossible to just suddenly switch those ideas off.
Like you, I'm not sure what action to take next. I don't know about you but I personally don't find "Leave him!" replies helpful. I love my OH and you say you love yours so surely if this is the only problem area, surely there's something can be done? Or am I just being naive?

aidan24326

Born again virgin! wrote: »

I don't know about you but I personally don't find "Leave him!" replies helpful. I love my OH and you say you love yours so surely if this is the only problem area, surely there's something can be done? Or am I just being naive?

I wouldn't say you're being naieve as such. But even if you love someone there's only so far you can go in trying to make it work. Sooner or later you may have to accept defeat. The OP may love her bf but does he really love her? His attitude and the things he says to her are not compatible with a normal loving relationship, and that's putting it mildly. Also, it would appear that they're not sexually compatible anyway, and that won't change.

fungun

The thing is...problems are problems and everyone has them.
, but if your other half wont recognise them and talk them through then that really is a problem.

Is funny in a way though....there is a definite difference between the reality of this and what the media represents! Personally Ive a high sex drive, but I have numerous friends that dont....seems odd to me though!!