When the spark dampens,

LegacyUser

I have a girlfriend who is a wonderful person with a great approach to life and outlook. We get on and she makes me smile and laugh but recently and for a while I have felt that the spark is dwindling. We are together a year recently,

Up until now I have had a odd and volatile love life. Meeting women has never been a problem and I spent most of my early twenties hopping around from one bed to the next. There is a part of me that misses that life, the fun the chase and the deviancy of it. I also know the loneliness of this life all too well,

As ashamed as I am to say it there is a part of me that feels if my current girlfriend was stunning then I would not be feeling this way. Often looking around at other women and comparing my girlfriend to them, purely on physical attributes. I understand how flawed this is but wonder, if this is the way I think surely I should pursue the more beautiful women. Even typing that makes me feel like a twat, however should I have to persuade myself to get past this if she is the woman for me??

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

The simple answer is;

I don't think you'd be thinking that if she were the woman for you.

Loosing the spark after a year? That wasn't much of a spark was it? Perhaps you know in your heart this isn't the woman you want to settle down with?

While I think the "stunning" comment does come across as really shallow, one of the first signs that a relationship has run it's course is that subconsciously you can start finding the person less and less attractive, their jokes stop being funny, they become more and more annoying until you have distanced yourself and given yourself sufficient justifications for breaking things off...

Best of luck!

Table Top Joe

If your not sure after only a year then it doesnt look good,you never said you love her either.....

LegacyUser

The thought of hurting her makes me sick, it is the happiest I have been in my life and the most well rounded mentally. However what you say about subconsciously finding them less and less attractive is true in spots,

I have a kind of self destruct approach at times. Things are going well so let's see how I can make a balls of them, possibly stemming from growing up in a decent but very very volatile environment. If there was no shouting or drama, just leave it a day or two and it will come

I sometimes feel that she deserves a nicer and softer person than me, I know she would be a wonderful mum and I cod trust her with my life. So why feel the need to chase the eternal beauty, there is always someone more beautiful, more sexy no matter who you have...

magneticimpulse

Agree with above, you never said you loved your girlfriend. If this is what its like after 1 year, what will it be like after 2 or 10 years? She doesnt seem to be the girl for you. You wouldnt feel that way if she was. No point in dating her just for the sake of dating anybody.

Table Top Joe

Ballyweel wrote: »

I sometimes feel that she deserves a nicer and softer person than me, I know she would be a wonderful mum and I cod trust her with my life.

I had the exact same feelings about a girl i was seeing before,she ticked every box.....but i just wasnt in love with her,she was perfect for me but i knew i didnt love her and we didnt last

magneticimpulse

Oh and she is not made of glass...so if you did decide to break up with her. It would be better if you made up your mind about how you feel. And just be honest and tell her the truth. People get upset when they dont know the truth and feel something is wrong. As soon as people are faced with reality and the prospect that the relationship is over, they can get on with their lives. Nothing worse then dragging something out half hearted. Just ruins everything and wipes out any good memories you might have from a relationship

LegacyUser

I do genuinely feel that I am being a shallow person about this, I have a cold and almost evil side to me. Clinical and hard because I don't want to allow others in as growing up it was easier to take this view.

Should I walk away from this girl, purely based on her physical attributes and she doesn't measure up to some flawed perfection I have.

whatsamsn

Op
i imagine you've been feelings this way for a while. Best advice:

1, have a deep hard think about this. (Personally you seem to be on the side that you realise she is not the one) But make sure either choice is what you want.

2, if you do decide to break it off. Sit her down as soon as you know. In situations like these many tend to continue with their partner out of fear of being single/lonely. Or stay with them to someone else comes along.

So ... Just do the right thing and let her know if you do decide this is the best action

whatsamsn

Ballyweel wrote: »

I do genuinely feel that I am being a shallow person about this, I have a cold and almost evil side to me. Clinical and hard because I don't want to allow others in as growing up it was easier to take this view.

Should I walk away from this girl, purely based on her physical attributes and she doesn't measure up to some flawed perfection I have.

You stay with someone because you want to. Even better, because you love them If you are feeling this then .. something is wrong.
Just make sure this is how you actually feel. And not just a form of "i wonder what the grass is like on the otherside?"

LegacyUser

You don't love this girl OP. Twice, posters have commented that you never mentioned love. Some guys would come back and defend the fact that they havent mentioned it yet...
You deserve to be with someone you love OP.
More importantly, she deserves to be with someone who loves her in return.
Picking on her physical attributes is an excuse. If you loved her, you would see past her physical appearance. Some of the most in love couples I know, aren't necessarily physically attractive (on paper) - but they love each other and no doubt, believe their partner is 'stunning'.
Do the right thing here OP.

You're being really unfair. It's just not fair to be with someone when you think you're above them, as you clearly do. Personally I find the 'I want to be with the most beautiful women' outlook rather shallow, as do you. It's all too easy to look at other girls and say 'she's hotter' but would you get on with them as well as you do with your gf? Would they make you laugh? Sounds like you're suffering from grass is greener syndrome to me but it would be very cruel to continue a relationship with this girl while comparing her to everyone around you.

SheRa

+1 on the post by unregistered. If you love the person it wont matter if there were more attractive people as you would only want to be with your OH.
Do yourself and her a favour, break up with her. You both deserve to be with someone that you find gorgeous and vice versa.

Ickle Magoo

Ballyweel wrote: »

Should I walk away from this girl, purely based on her physical attributes and she doesn't measure up to some flawed perfection I have.

I'm not sure it's a flawed idea of perfection you have - when you really love someone they are gorgeous to you, the thoughts you've been fighting just wouldn't happen if you were completely in love with the girl. I don't think it's an issue about you or that you are cold or evil, if you are not head over heels about someone then you will compare them and find others more attractive, I think that's just human nature.

LegacyUser

I would never go out with someone unless I though they were stunning. If you do you are settling and this will not make you happy.

When I was in love before, the girl was very good looking. But when I'd see models/actresses on the tv/magazines. I used to think they're not as hot as my girlfriend. Now in reality they probably were hotter, but I loved her and though she was the most beautiful woman in the world. When you love some you think they are beautiful, you find all their flaws cute and sexy.

OP you don't love the girl, that is why you are looking at other woman, not because she is not stunning.

Plus I hate the way people always try and make out, amazingly good looking people are not smart, fun, interesting, successful. You will find a stunning woman who is just as good in the personality stakes as your current girlfriend.

LegacyUser

Is this really true,

People when truly in love could be stood on holidays and see a stunningly good looking girl but have no interest because she is not as beautiful as the girl they are in love with. That is not said accusingly, it can be hard to get tone and context on tinternet, I am genuinely curious...

LegacyUser

op, i dont know. for me, i would know that the one i love is not the best looking one, but i love them him anyway.

i dont agree that if you love someone, you will fiind no one more beautiful.

the attraction and temtation is there, otherwise, why a lot of people having an affair?

lust and love are confusing.

if you love someone enough, you are willing to control your eyes, your heart, your mind for her and yourself.

but i do agree that the posters make valid points here: do you love her?

ask yourself this.

maybe you are not ready for a comitted relationship. if you are not willing to pour your heart and your desire on her, it's better you leave her.

love sometimes is a decision to make and an effort to put.

good luck.

miss5

Ballyweel wrote: »

I have a girlfriend who is a wonderful person with a great approach to life and outlook. We get on and she makes me smile and laugh but recently and for a while I have felt that the spark is dwindling. We are together a year recently,

Up until now I have had a odd and volatile love life. Meeting women has never been a problem and I spent most of my early twenties hopping around from one bed to the next. There is a part of me that misses that life, the fun the chase and the deviancy of it. I also know the loneliness of this life all too well,

As ashamed as I am to say it there is a part of me that feels if my current girlfriend was stunning then I would not be feeling this way. Often looking around at other women and comparing my girlfriend to them, purely on physical attributes. I understand how flawed this is but wonder, if this is the way I think surely I should pursue the more beautiful women. Even typing that makes me feel like a twat, however should I have to persuade myself to get past this if she is the woman for me??

OP I think you need to think about what your saying, If your girlfriend was the most
beautiful woman in the world, looks fade, As you get older you will not be able
to get young beautiful girls. Have you considered there are more important things in life?
It doesn't sound like it's going to work between you and your girlfriend she deserves
someone who things she is good enough for them.

Denimgirl

Your working off your ego!and i think you are scared of making future plans coz you can't fault your relationship as you said it's been the best year of your life even mentally.remember theres always a better looking woman than any girl you'll be with and better looking guys too!maybe you'll be better off with a girl whose a stunner and treats you like crap!you may have regrest ending this as you might not get a second chance of happiness! stop living in dream world and grow up!

ShagNastii

Yep I think you should call it quits. I'll echo what everyone else has said. You don't love this girl. You have a great love for her, she seems as absolutely nice as hell the way you paint her. You can't find flaws in this girl but still she hasn't grabbed you heart after a year. When the spark dampens, it dampens.

You have to reach for that relationship that beams more light than the sun in your gut and in your head(god that sounds ar*sey). If you do let this girl down try avoid the cliches and TBH if the spark has gone she will have realised it herself even.

As for the looks thing. I'll add, when I was dumped by a girl I truly loved (still do unfortuneately) we dragged our the break up into a FB situation for a couple of weeks. The girl one day asked after a session. "Why the hell are you attrached to me? I'm not good looking in anyway!!!". She was/is by no means a supermodel you could argue she was just normal, nothing breathtaking about her, like most realworld girls. Think about it how many girls stand out as you walk down the street?

I honestly stated as I lay beside her "That I knew what she meant, I knew why see asked, but I called her a feckin eejit for saying such a thing. I then wholeheartedly admitted she was the most beautiful thing I had ever laid eyes on in my life and that if she could see herself through my eyes she would be in awe". Then I came out with a cringe worthy list of stupidly hot actresses and models I would push aside to have her. Ah well sin E.

Well i'm depressed now :mad::) and I feel I've more than answered your question. Find someone who will make you think there is no girl else worth looking at.

Monkey61

It may not work for everyone, but yes, when I am mad into someone then I do think that they are hotter than anyone else on the planet, without a doubt.

My current girlfriend, I think, is the most beautiful girl that I have ever seen in my life. I would rank her way above any celebrity or anyone else that I know. I could look at someone else and think that they were good looking, but it wouldn't even come close to how I look her.

OP I think you are being too hard on yourself. You aren't being shallow. You just don't have that spark with your girlfriend. I think it is time to move on.

Ickle Magoo

Ballyweel wrote: »

Is this really true,

People when truly in love could be stood on holidays and see a stunningly good looking girl but have no interest because she is not as beautiful as the girl they are in love with. That is not said accusingly, it can be hard to get tone and context on tinternet, I am genuinely curious...

It depends what you mean by interest? Do you mean you can appreciate their beauty while still thinking your gal is the bees knees or do you mean you think, geez, my gal doesn't look anything like as good as that?

Perhaps a better example is examining exes a while after breaking up - how many people thought their partner was stunning while going out but when they break up they are more; yikes, what was I thinking! Love is blind, as the saying goes!

Contessa Raven

Ballyweel wrote: »

Should I walk away from this girl, purely based on her physical attributes and she doesn't measure up to some flawed perfection I have.

Answer me this: If you do find the most beautiful woman in the world and you settle down and marry her, what happens when she's 70 and her breasts and her ass aren't as pert and her skin is wrinkly?

Will she still be "stunning" enough for you to love her?

I think if you loved your girlfriend (and I doubt it because you still haven't said that you do even though others have pointed it out) you would love her, imperfections and all. You obviously found her attractive before. Are you sure you aren't just bored and missing the thrill of the chase?

Either way, I don't think you two should be together. She deserves someone who will love her and treat her like she is the most beautiful woman in the world.

LegacyUser

Everyone cut the crap. Just because you don't think your girlfriend is the most physically attractive girl in the world doesn't mean you don't love her. Obviously seeing someone like Angelina Jolie I can quite easily say shes more attractive than my girlfriend and anyone who denies that they cant do the same when comparing their girlfriend to a women like Angelina Jolie is lying.
OP I see lots of girls who are more attractive than my girlfriend and have had some opportunities with some stunning girls, at times I think 'I'd love to hit that' but I never do because I love my girlfriend and would never hurt her like that. The test of whether you love your girlfriend or not is whether you can truly walk away from anything just for her. My moment came at a Full Moon Party in 2006 where I was offered a threesome with 2 stunning English girls (both had posed for lad magazines), I walked, me and my girlfriend are still going strong 4 years later.

Theres more important things than looks. And despite popular belief in this thread just because you notice that there are more physically attractive girls than your girlfriend out there doesnt mean you dont love her. .....Though the fact that you want to break up with her because you want a hotter girl probably does!

LegacyUser

i was wondering whether it's just me who have never fallen in love or my theory of love is that weired and strange. i mean, i have never thought the people i loved were the hottest, charming guys. i felt they were good-looking in my eyes, handsome maybe, but never the hottest in the world. but i thought i loved them.

by reading the comments here, i started questioned whether i did really love or fell in love with them, because i never be really blind to that point that i would say and think that the guy i was loving was the best looking creature in the world.

and i have no confident too to myself to be the hottest creature in my bf to be (who knows who)'s mind and eyes. i have never met people blindly love me to a point that praise me as the hottest creature as well. so, i was a bit lost after reading those comments.

now, i know at least there are some people not just using their emotions to love, but also mind to love.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. I have not categorically stated on an internet forum to a group of strangers that I love my girlfriend because I do feel that the term is bandied about willy nilly with no real regard its meaning

I was and am worried that there is a suggestion that if I love her, then nobody can hold a candle to her in the looks department. So a 19 year old chick from california that spent her teenage years doing gymnastics and getting boob jobs is not a patch on my girl.This seems like lunacy to me. Does that mean that I want to knock down a wall to get to the hypothetical girl, no.

As someone outlined maybe I am missing the chase, this has been my default setting for much of my adult life, and is always going to be a contributing factor. I have, through my own life choices, become conditioned to short term physical relationships. My reality has been heading into nightclubs, havig a few or way too many beers and bringing home different women on a regular basis. Void of emotion. Carefree and ultimately quiet selfish. This is not in anyway a boast, it is merely my reality.

LegacyUser

IMO OP, you're view of beauty is very shallow. Personally I would find a 19 year old gymnast with a boob job pretty tacky.

Now maybe everyone doesn't feel the same as me but I've been with my girl 2 years, to me she is the most beautiful person in the world, and no Angelina Jolie, no 19 year old gymnast could ever hold a candle to her. Yes I can see another woman and recognise that she is physically attractive. The thought would never even enter my head that I would want to "hit that" as another poster described it. I find my girl beautiful in everyway, from her personality to her physical looks and no shiny packaging could make me doubt that she is, at least in my eyes, the most beautiful person in the world. I know she is not "perfect" but she is perfect for me.

If you don't feel that then maybe it's not love.

LegacyUser

Ballyweel , i have had an impression that you are a self-centred (no negative meaning here) person that you haven't opened fully to your girlfriend.

i mean, she must be the best girl you have had that you now want to settle down with her instead of jumping bed to bed. and you know yourself too that this girl is special to you.

but by some reasons, you are holding a part of yourself and you aware this. so you wonder whether you can give the best to her. you may feel that you can't.

if you feel you can't, better let her go.

tbh, i dont think there is another woman can make you love her fully without hesitation at the moment, not until time goes by and experience tells you what the meaning of love is for YOU.

but, i think maybe it's good to talk with her about these feelings and thoughts inside you, maybe she can understand and give you some surprises. who knows.