Mad about Friend

LegacyUser

Hi all, any advice anybody could give me on this issue would be gratefully appreciated. I fear I could be struggling in the "Friend Zone" with no way out.

Situation is I am 30 and extremely good friends with the girl of my dreams. We have known each other about 5/6 years and grown very close during this time. We speak on the phone most days, go out regularly more often together than as part of a group, and share many of the joys and issues in our lives. Initially I just saw her as a friend and she was going out with somebody - then something clicked and I realised how close we had actually become.
That relationship broke up, and about a year later she began going out with another fella, who she lived with for 12 months, and that relationship went belly-up. We were still close during the second relationship but I did consciously take a step-back myself although we still met up but spoke less frequently.

Now she is a "free woman" and if there is a chance I want to grow a pair and give myself a chance if at all possible. There have been times when I have thought "yes, she feels the same" such as after being out one evening and just the two of us chatting for hours I gave her a hug leaving and she just held my hand slightly longer than I would have expected. That was probably a chance. Then there is the opposite view - I know I have cowarded out in the past and said nothing, but she has done nothing either - people we both know had thought we were going out for a couple of years - recently she was trying to match me up with a friend of a friend.

So I'm painfully resigned to fighting a losing battle but I want to give it a chance. How would you approach the subject. I think it should be appreciated from what I say that we have a special relationship and I would hate to hurt her. I think I could move on if rejected and knowing might be the best thing.

Angus Og

If you can move on, just do it. She might not reject you, and even if she did, she'd probably understand why you did it. It's hard to be friends with someone you're in love with, if you aren't lovers, and if you can't live that way then don't. You're being honest with yourself, and that's the most important thing.

Tell her how you feel. You're 30 now, and if you don't do it now you might be asking the same questions when you're 40.

Just be honest with her. You love her, and you want to be more than friends. It's a gamble that a lot of people face, but it's the only way.

magneticimpulse

Just tell her you like her!! What do you have to lose? It either works out or it doesnt. You sound good enough friends, that you will either date or just continue to be friends. Either way you will feel different. If she decides not to date you, at least everything has come to a head...you will no longer be wondering what if? You will also just be able to accept that she is not interested and move on, and most likely still be friends.

Either way, I think after her 2 failed relationships....she might actually think why not? and date you? I mean you 2 seem to get on great. So I say go for it.

seenitall

This:

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Just tell her you like her!! What do you have to lose? It either works out or it doesnt. You sound good enough friends, that you will either date or just continue to be friends. Either way you will feel different. If she decides not to date you, at least everything has come to a head...you will no longer be wondering what if? You will also just be able to accept that she is not interested and move on, and most likely still be friends.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

OP I'm sorry to say she is not interested - she is looking to set you up with somebody else from what you say.

My advice is to move on and look to meet somebody else.

Lilly77

doseofreality wrote: »

OP I'm sorry to say she is not interested - she is looking to set you up with somebody else from what you say.

My advice is to move on and look to meet somebody else.

No necessarily so... she just may not have realised it yet. If you had gone out with her friend or who ever she was trying to set you up with, something may have "clicked" with her too. Have you ever been in a relationship, if not she may not have had to deal with the old green eyed monster yet???

Cullen82

I don't agree with the previous post "she is not interested"...Of course it is possible that she's not but there is definitely not enough info there to put any nails in the coffin yet....

If you feel like this I think you should say something....Seeing as you are good friends already I would suggest NOT making a move while on a night out but certainly start dropping hints asap or run the risk of her finding someone else before you get the chance.

Confidence is key, Don't be upset if she does'nt feel the same and just follow your gut feeling.....I'm not far off 30 myself so don't think I'm insinuating anything when I say you've only so much time to go out and get what you really want....Life's too short.

Good luck mate

G-Money

The friends zone is unfortunately almost always a life sentence so you will have your work cut out for you OP possibly. Having said that, if you think it's worth a chance, you should go for it. You will never know unless you try. It's quite possible it might ruin the friendship if she says no, but let's be honest, is her friendship really enough and is it really what you want? I don't think so. So in a lot of respects, I don't think you've much to lose. You've got something that's not really enough for you so if the worst comes to the worst, it probably won't be that much of a loss.

You know what they say, you lose 100% of the shots you don't take.

Good luck and I hope it works out.

Bottle_of_Smoke

If you tell her I'd suggest using the term "Listen I don't feel in any way like you've led me on at any point" somewhere.

seenitall

grandmaster wrote: »

The friends zone is unfortunately almost always a life sentence so you will have your work cut out for you OP possibly. Having said that, if you think it's worth a chance, you should go for it. You will never know unless you try. It's quite possible it might ruin the friendship if she says no, but let's be honest, is her friendship really enough and is it really what you want? I don't think so. So in a lot of respects, I don't think you've much to lose. You've got something that's not really enough for you so if the worst comes to the worst, it probably won't be that much of a loss

The bold bit is extremely presumptious of you to say to OP.

The OP says:

"we have a special relationship"
"I think I could move on if rejected and knowing might be the best thing."

Doesn't sound to me like her friendship wouldn't be enough for him if needs be, or that it wouldn't be much of a loss for him.

magneticimpulse

Oh just to ad, from my own previous experience of guy friends asking me out...please dont do it when you are really really drunk and dont do it by email either.

Chat to her face to face about liking her!!! Fact if you ask people out face to face you are less likely to be rejected. Also its difficult to tell if your friend really fancies you when he hits on you while drunk or they are just extremely pissed to realise what they are doing...so do it sober

Good luck.

Nevyn

seenitall
Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

Victor

seenitall wrote: »

Grandmaster, do you ever read other people's posts to the end, or do you just like to jump on your favourite hobby-horse of a subject with your eyes closed?

Tone it down please.

seenitall

OK, thank you.

I deleted the offensive sentence from my post.

Soul Stretcher

You have deep feelings for her - there is the chance of a wonderful relationship here. The potential positives far outweigh the potential negative.
Potential negative being that you stop being friends if she rejects you - but then, over time, that will even be a positive as you will have the torture of Unrequited Love lifted off you.

Sorry for being blunt but it almost seems like you think what you want to tell her (that you want a Relationship with her) is a Bad Thing. It's a Great Thing and I'm sure, at some level whatever happens, she will be flattered that you chose her out of all the women on the Planet - especially when you chose her after getting to know her so well ! It's not like you're giving her AIDs or some other horrible disease - you're giving her a great compliment !

She will for sure start dating someone else before long - quite possibly someone not half the man you are and with not as much in common. This is your chance - take it !!

The "Friend Zone" is not a life sentence. It's not hard-wired in your or her genetic make-up. The two of you are free-thinking adults.

My advice: Invite her somewhere really nice for lunch/dinner. After the main course, gather your composure, look into her eyes and say calmly and coolly something along the lines of "I really value our friendship but for the last while, my feelings for you have been getting stronger and stronger and now I would like to talk to you about the two of us getting together in a romantic way".... And see what happens !! :)

I'm rooting for you OP !!

profitius

OP its hard to get out of the friend zone unless you were the one who went into it ie you were not interested in a relationship. 99% of the time its the women who friendzone the lads.

Heres the best way to go about it. Start to become more sexual around her. Have fun and be flirty and see how she responds. If shes flirty back then slowly crank it up and see if she does. Eventually IF she likes you it'll be obvious.

If she doesn't like you at least there isn't that awkward moment when she has to tell you she likes you as a friend and then the friendship suffers.

magneticimpulse

I disagree with above poster about women put men in the friendzone...Men put themselves in the friendzone. They assume we are not interested in them. Women are interested in men who have the courage to ask them out. Ok I agree it should not be just left to guys to ask women out. But when it involves "friends", I think the guy should make the effort to distinguish the fact that he is interested.

I would date every male friend!!! The difference is, majority of them would never have the courage to ask me out! So that is the reason it never goes beyond that.

Why cant you be on the potential boyfriend ladder? Its all in your hands...jump out of this friendzone (and any other guy reading this) and go for it!! Seriously, why would it not work out??

Bottle_of_Smoke

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I disagree with above poster about women put men in the friendzone...Men put themselves in the friendzone. They assume we are not interested in them. Women are interested in men who have the courage to ask them out. Ok I agree it should not be just left to guys to ask women out. But when it involves "friends", I think the guy should make the effort to distinguish the fact that he is interested.

I would date every male friend!!! The difference is, majority of them would never have the courage to ask me out! So that is the reason it never goes beyond that.

Why cant you be on the potential boyfriend ladder? Its all in your hands...jump out of this friendzone (and any other guy reading this) and go for it!! Seriously, why would it not work out??

I think you're an exception. Every guy I've known in "the friendzone" has failed when asking out

profitius

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I disagree with above poster about women put men in the friendzone...Men put themselves in the friendzone. They assume we are not interested in them. Women are interested in men who have the courage to ask them out. Ok I agree it should not be just left to guys to ask women out. But when it involves "friends", I think the guy should make the effort to distinguish the fact that he is interested.

I would date every male friend!!! The difference is, majority of them would never have the courage to ask me out! So that is the reason it never goes beyond that.

Why cant you be on the potential boyfriend ladder? Its all in your hands...jump out of this friendzone (and any other guy reading this) and go for it!! Seriously, why would it not work out??

You're talking about what would happen if all your male friends were different. The reality is they are who they are and you wouldn't date them as they are ie you've friendzoned them.

I agree with what you say about them being more attractive to you if they had a little more confidence etc.

magneticimpulse

Hang on there!!! I would absolutely date a friend!!! But how do you not think i feel the same way? Im too scared to ask them out!! It works both ways you know. Ive never "put" anyone in the friendzone. Its a silly rule that was actually pointed out to me by a man funny enough. I never even knew there was a friend zone.

One friend: was gay
Other friend: too shy to ask me out, if he doesnt have that courage, what other things would he not have confidence about in the relationship
Other friend: lives in another country...yep we got together when we have been in same country
Other friend: also living in other country, he said he liked me...but nothing happened as we were both fixed in different countries for 3 years. now we both finished in those countries, i said...remember the time you said you liked me...well i really like you...but he doesnt seem interested now. I think he is...but he has put himself in the friendzone..im trying to get him out of it. I think he thinks i would never go out with him, but i think he is the greatest guy ever and so sweet.

Anyway my point is...yeah confidence is a huge thing. But if you get along really well in someones company and never fight...why would they not date you?

As for the guys who got rejected...did they ask face to face or by text? I think it has to be done face to face...if you cant do it then wait till you see them next (i mean if its long time, then obvisously a relationship might not work out only based on distance)

Soul Stretcher

The first time I heard the term Friendzone or "Let's Just be Friends" was on some of those Pick-up Sites that I have seen.

The Pick-up Gurus (:D) say to avoid the Friendzone like the plague.

However I think these Gurus operate in a different mindset to the average guy and girl.

These Gurus are about seducing the highest number of hottest women in the shortest space of time - in fact their reputations (and financial income) are built on this.

However great this may sound to a hormone-ravaged 14 year old Schoolboy, the truth is that the vast majority of people here on boards and in the real world just want ONE person to find emotional, physical, intellectual and sexual fulfillment with. Just one.

Now if you find yourself attracted to someone who you know very well and care for deeply - and you suspect that person cares for you too - why, oh why, is that not a good basis for a relationship ??????????? Someone, please answer me that ! Are we all supposed to make great relationships out of drunken one-night-stands ?

Obviously if the other person isn't attracted to you, then that is fine - there is no relationship - but that is the risk you take with every person you ask out.

Why make this Dating thing any more of a challenge that it already is ? Being great friends with someone and making them laugh is surely a good sign that you may be compatible ? No.

Sometimes I think this "Friendzone" thing is just an excuse for men with feelings of love for a female friend to hide behind - an excuse to wimp out from asking the girl out - due obviously to their own self-esteem issues. Just my opinion.

karaokeman

OMG thank you so much for posting this topic.
I am always looking for threads like this on boards like these that deal with single men looking for relationships with women they know.

I would say that if you put yourself into the friendzone (i.e. you may have said 'no she doesn't like me' we should stay as friends) then you might still have a chance with her. Its men who are put into the friendzone by women that are less likely to strike up a relationship because that woman said "lets just be friends".

Usually my difficulty is that the girls I like are teens so they might not be ready for a relationship + I can't drive yet so that reduces my confidence.
I say (presuming this woman is around your age 20s, 30s) you should try take the next step because she's been in relationships before so she should be comfortable with you, especially if she's known you for years. You would be more confident than me at your age.

Slowly start hinting at your affections for her, flirt a bit when you go out alone with her and see if she reacts.
When she's happy playing with you invite her to your gaff sometime to talk it over. Sometime you're alone with her and say "look I have not been honest with you all this time. I know this sounds weird but would you like to be my girlfriend?". If she says yes just say "I have wanted to tell you for years now, I hope it won't hurt our friendship". This will start a conversation and gradually you can come to tell her how you feel and if she knows you she will understand.
Just try not to see wanting her as a girlfriend as a bad thing because it's really not.

Good luck:)

LegacyUser

Each case should be treated individually and terms like 'friendszone' can be used to negate action for fear of an undesirable consequence.
Although the feelings can be disabling depending on how strong they are, you've gotta make sure you don't carry out any action based on your own insecurities.
If you really love her you've gotta place no pressure on her and tell her as succinctly as possible that you have developed an attraction to her.
Then all you can do is be yourself and see where the journey takes you.
Speaking from experience, I would take action every time over inaction. If you live your life by the potential consequences of negative reactions then you're really missing out.
I'm in the same situation at the moment but the attraction is not shared and as much as this hurts I wouldn't take back a word.
Live life my friend and all the best.

magneticimpulse

I mean seriously...is every woman just expected to date random strangers that she has never met before? I dont think so...so being friends 1st is definitely a good foundation to start a relationship. Its true, very little relationships stem from one night stands.

If fact all the friends I have (29 and above) married their friends and had babies together...none of them were random strangers before hand. Some were friends for as long as 5 years before they got together and they couldnt be happier.

The only time "friends" dont date is maybe if your talking about 18 year olds or younger. In which case they are too young to "settle" down. But if you are say 25 and over, especially around 30 and above...then dating friends is definitely the way to go

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for the comments - OP here

I certainly worry about the whole friend zone thing. Personally I think that friendship is a brilliant and the best basis for a relationship. In my case everything about our relationship ticks the boxes except for the romantic side is not there, whether that is by her seeing me as a great friend/big brother type or whether we both have feelings that she either does not realise (which I find hard to believe) or is as bad as myself and not saying anything - I shoud be taking the lead though here.

I agree that a drunken declaration is not appropriate. I would respect this girl too much to do that. I wouldn't dream of taking the easy way out of a text or email - again she would deserve more respect. How to psych myself up is the big thing - there is a fear of rejection obviously but a fear of damaging a friendship.

She is 29, I am 30. I know she would like to be in a stable relationship, have a family. That is a long way away. I think I could make her happy. I certainly have to brace myself and confront because my head is really addled.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

you sound like a lovely guy, why wouldnt she want you??? you are a great friend to her, you respect her, and possibly love her...Just tell her...

I started as friends with my partner, and we were friends for months first, and then he told me he liked me, I kind of knew anyway...but still was unsure about being with him as I was so young, and he was a few years older, but I decided to give it a try, as I loved his company...and we are together 13 years now....I never saw that coming...

So anyway please go for it...sooner rather than later...and tell us what happens...I love a happy ending :-)

Best of luck..

sbsquarepants

I believe that ABBA said it best, "take a chance, take a chance, take a, take a, chance chance!"
I don't know if you're a gambling man or not but what you've got to do here is play the odds and basically cross your fingers and hope for the best.
If you make a move you have two possible outcomes, she says yes - jackpot, or she says no - a kick in the balls and no mistake, but you're not really any worse off, in fact you're actually slightly better off it just won't feel like it for a while.
If you do nothing, you're guaranteed to get nothing, some other man will swoop in and your chance will be gone, possibly forever.
Fortune favours the bold, so stake your claim and best of luck to you.
That's what i would do

LegacyUser

Hey OP as of last week I could have written the exact same post. Then Sunday night we kissed , under the affluence of incohol. We had been good friends for 5/6 years, and I have liked her from the start but never had the balls to do anything about it. Actually have a thread about what to do on our first date!

Anyways last week I did a course where the guy harped on about been proactive and having a circle of influence (stuff you can control - Google Stephen Covey). So I have been thinking about and then she dropped a few hints in teh nightclub, and the 2 of us kissed. We weren't completely twisted, but fairly well on it. Cocktails!!! Anyways she admitted times when she wanted to kiss me, and I admitted times when I wanted to kiss her.

Anyway all our friends were saying about time! Anyways took the step and told her how i feel and I got a date with her. Giddy like a school girl since.

Anyways I am confident should this not work out, our friendship will be stronger. We are both sensible, mature(ish) adults.

Go for it, I can't beleive it took me 6 years, but everytime she was single i delayed too long and some one else got her.
Fed up with that so I went for it. You have to go for it or you'll be wondering about it forever.

Taltos

OP - let her know how you feel.

Keep it simple. Keep it honest.
Try to keep alcohol to a minimum.

Thing is - she might have liked you before - but you not making a move may have caused her to resign herself that you are just friends.
Now - do not expect her to immediately swoon and declare her love - it might take her some time to reevaluate how she feels now.

But definitely act now - before she commits to another relationship.
I did this yrs ago with a really close friend - and while scary as hell - it was the best decision of my life.

LegacyUser

I had been in love with my best friend for about two three years, really close, talked everyday ..same thing..he had been with people..so had I. Thought we had missed the boat.
He got into a car accident and I remember when I heard, I just freaked out that I hadn't told him how I felt. When I got to the hospital, the eedjit had just broken a finger (hadn't been a serious accident- unbeknownst to me lol) I blurted out how I felt and he said..... da da da da .."thank f*ck for that" (such a romantic lol) We've been married 8 years. And turns out he felt the same all along..that it should have happened earlier but things get in the way. Dont be thinking years down the line, I wish I told her. Fate has stepped in. Ye're both single. Tell her. If she doesn't feel the same, you can move on. And if your friendship is worth anything, ye'll be able to cope with it.

Tail Wagger

Frazzled Brain wrote: »

Hi all, any advice anybody could give me on this issue would be gratefully appreciated. I fear I could be struggling in the "Friend Zone" with no way out.

Situation is I am 30 and extremely good friends with the girl of my dreams. We have known each other about 5/6 years and grown very close during this time. We speak on the phone most days, go out regularly more often together than as part of a group, and share many of the joys and issues in our lives. Initially I just saw her as a friend and she was going out with somebody - then something clicked and I realised how close we had actually become.
That relationship broke up, and about a year later she began going out with another fella, who she lived with for 12 months, and that relationship went belly-up. We were still close during the second relationship but I did consciously take a step-back myself although we still met up but spoke less frequently.

Now she is a "free woman" and if there is a chance I want to grow a pair and give myself a chance if at all possible. There have been times when I have thought "yes, she feels the same" such as after being out one evening and just the two of us chatting for hours I gave her a hug leaving and she just held my hand slightly longer than I would have expected. That was probably a chance. Then there is the opposite view - I know I have cowarded out in the past and said nothing, but she has done nothing either - people we both know had thought we were going out for a couple of years - recently she was trying to match me up with a friend of a friend.

So I'm painfully resigned to fighting a losing battle but I want to give it a chance. How would you approach the subject. I think it should be appreciated from what I say that we have a special relationship and I would hate to hurt her. I think I could move on if rejected and knowing might be the best thing.

didn't read any reply's to your request, but it puts me in mind of myself years ago and I slipped up and she met up with someone else and I felt I lost the love of my life.... I picked out one of the last things you said about a blind date or a match up... Well I would do the same tell her you would like to match her up with a friend, cut out all the bull. have someone get her to the venut to meet the person, and then you turn up with a big smile and tell her he chickened out and you didn't want to disappoint her so here you are?

PK2008

Yeh the friend zone is normally impossible to get out of but "faint heart never won fair lady" or something like that

Give it a shot and let us know how you got on

LegacyUser

Thanks OP for your post. Some of the replies here have really helped me put things in my life into focus.

Fortunately or unfortunately I am in the same boat. 33 and crazy about a girl who was a work colleague and who I met 4 or 5 years ago. Since then we have become really good friends.

I suppose the question I would have for those who took the plunge and it worked after several years of friendship - was there any physical relationship before then? Was there just a nervous tension between you? The reason I ask this is that I have never kissed other than a peck on the cheek but there are often moments between us when you just wonder if she is thinking what I am thinking.

It really is a head melter.