Hope for an introvert?

LostCase42

Hi everyone!

I'm new here and I registered to ask you something, to get an opinion because I'm lost and don't know what to do...

I am an 24 years old male, introverted and socially withdrawn, with very low self esteem and very limited dating experience. And I met a girl... She is just great! Cute, funny, beautiful... We went to lunch for few times and I really like her much already. What I want ask here is not what if she doesn't like me back - that path is easy and well-known to me. But what if she likes me? I'm nothing like her, I don't have any of her qualities (or any other). She deserves someone much more better than me. How should I approach her? I like her and I really want her to be part of my life, and at the same time, I'm afraid that I'll hurt and disappoint her. And that would be more hurtful to me than to her. My experience with girls is very limited - I even don't know how would I kiss her if opportunity shows up...

What should I do? I don't want to run away, not this time! But that seems like an only option...

I don't have any close friends, so I present my case here for any constructive feedback.

Angus Og

Give yourself some credit. You can't be that bad if you went to lunch with her a few times. I know socially withdrawn people, and they only come out at night.

You need to relax, that's the most important thing. You're thinking way too much about this, and you're looking at things from the point of view of not actually being together. First of all, tell her how much you like her. If you don't, and you run, then she will be disappointed anyway. If she likes you then everything else will be easy. Kissing is easy when you're kissing someone who wants your kisses. She might even take the lead.

Also, you might want to try taking her out for something more than lunch. Lunch is a safe date, that's why it's in the day.

By the way, having different qualities is not a bad thing. Opposites can attract. You're so down on yourself you probably don't even know your own qualities. It's easy to see how good someone else is. Let her decide what your qualities are, don't go around presuming things about yourself.

For all you know, you are exactly what she's looking for. Are you going to let her find out for herself? If you decide that you're not good enough for her before you've even started out, then you might want to ask yourself how much you really like her. If you want a relationship with her, her opinion is going to be half of it, don't presume how she's going to think about you.

Just relax. If she likes you back, it isn't going to be as hard as you think. When you know she feels the same way it gets a lot easier to be yourself, and things will just happen between you.

miec

I am an 24 years old male, introverted and socially withdrawn, with very low self esteem and very limited dating experience. And I met a girl... She is just great! Cute, funny, beautiful... We went to lunch for few times and I really like her much already. What I want ask here is not what if she doesn't like me back - that path is easy and well-known to me. But what if she likes me? I'm nothing like her, I don't have any of her qualities (or any other). She deserves someone much more better than me.

Yes but she has chosen you, why deny yourself the opportunity to spend some time with someone nice and beautiful, or to have a romantic relationship, you deserve this and as for the whole 'hurting her' stuff, why not just let the friendship/relationship evolve instead of pre-empting trouble. Keep telling yourself that she has chosen you, and she likes you.

InTheTrees

Lunch "a few times" sounds promising and sounds like you're on the way.

Its totally natural when you meet someone who you really like to wonder what the hell she'd see in you. I'd never go out with a dullard like me after all, so its hard to imagine someone who i think is fantastic and perfect going out with me either.

but thats just my insecurities telling me to do the easy thing which is to go home and watch telly.

I'm not sure what to advise though, just dont run away, dont rush anything.

and best of luck.

profitius

OP, you need to change the way you see things. Having a low opinion of yourself will drive others away from you. Its a bad habit and you need to get out of that bad habit.

People behave the way they see themselves. If you see yourself in a negative way you'll behave like that so be positive.

On the date be positive and fun and tell yourself you're worth it.

ilovetosing

LostCase42 wrote: »

Hi everyone!

But what if she likes me? I'm nothing like her, I don't have any of her qualities (or any other). She deserves someone much more better than me.

Listen man this is a great thing for you but the above is ur first problem. If you give any hint in any way or convey to her the above then you will shoot yourself in the foot. You need to be confident, Know damn well that she is not too good for you, know that you are the right guy who can give her what she wants. So to answer youre main question all you need to do is be confident and happy in yourself and the rest will fall into place.

LegacyUser

Hey Op..

I understand if you are new to the dating scene that you can be a bit concerned.
Where did you meet this girl?

You said she is great, cute, funny and beautiful.. have you asked her what she thinks of you?? or has she said even... if she has been out with you for lunch a few times there are high chances of her feeling the same way about you.. dont be so hard on yourself.
I know that personally i would not keep seeing a guy if i was not interested in them so just go with it and see where it goes if you really like her.. which you seem to..

I think that you fear getting hurt.. but as they say nothing thats worth it is ever all that easy... If something bad were to happen at least you will have had that experience and you can take that with you for the next time and learn from it.

My advice is dont give up on her so easily.. put your head up and be confident in yourself.. she obviously see's something in you too.

have you guys attemted to kiss at all?

LostCase42 wrote: »

Hi everyone!

I'm new here and I registered to ask you something, to get an opinion because I'm lost and don't know what to do...

I am an 24 years old male, introverted and socially withdrawn, with very low self esteem and very limited dating experience. And I met a girl... She is just great! Cute, funny, beautiful... We went to lunch for few times and I really like her much already. What I want ask here is not what if she doesn't like me back - that path is easy and well-known to me. But what if she likes me? I'm nothing like her, I don't have any of her qualities (or any other). She deserves someone much more better than me. How should I approach her? I like her and I really want her to be part of my life, and at the same time, I'm afraid that I'll hurt and disappoint her. And that would be more hurtful to me than to her. My experience with girls is very limited - I even don't know how would I kiss her if opportunity shows up...

What should I do? I don't want to run away, not this time! But that seems like an only option...

I don't have any close friends, so I present my case here for any constructive feedback.

Flarey

Read the following books:

The Mystery Method: How To Get Beautiful Women Into Bed by Mystery

The Game and The Rules Of The Game by Neil Strauss.

The Natural Art of Seduction by Richard La Ruina.

The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene.

These books are cheap paperbacks and easily available in any good bookshop. These are quite simply the best books for a social introverted guy who wants to get better with women and better at life generally.

It's also worth checking this link

<snip>

Best of luck my friend.

Staceyann

You are one of many who feel like this, everyone has self esteem issues in one form or another, I would suggest that while in the book shop you get some self essteem help books aswell.

You can't truly be loved until you love yourself!!!!

Kimia

Flarey wrote: »

Read the following books:

The Mystery Method: How To Get Beautiful Women Into Bed by Mystery

The Game and The Rules Of The Game by Neil Strauss.

The Natural Art of Seduction by Richard La Ruina.

The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene.

These books are cheap paperbacks and easily available in any good bookshop. These are quite simply the best books for a social introverted guy who wants to get better with women and better at life generally.

It's also worth checking this link

http://www.pickupguide.com/layguide/

Best of luck my friend.

OP I beg you not to listen to this guy - he's just peddling tired 'PUA' crap that is just plain creepy to girls and does not work. Seriously - this stuff is very creepy - shy guys are way more attractive than crazed 'pick up artists' who try to manipulate women into sleeping with them. Have a bit more integrity please.

Work on your self-esteem - you sound very down on yourself. Start believing that you deserve happiness just as much as the next person. Take it slow and take a chance!

LostCase42

Kimia wrote: »

OP I beg you not to listen to this guy - he's just peddling tired 'PUA' crap that is just plain creepy to girls and does not work. Seriously - this stuff is very creepy - shy guys are way more attractive than crazed 'pick up artists' who try to manipulate women into sleeping with them. Have a bit more integrity please.

Work on your self-esteem - you sound very down on yourself. Start believing that you deserve happiness just as much as the next person. Take it slow and take a chance!

I agree with on pick-up stuff... I got The Game by N. Strauss and it is just something I can't do. I don't agree with that way of thinking and I don't want to change that way. But the truth is that a not too good pick-up artist (I know few in real life) will surely get more than I do (nothing). There are girls, not few, which are seeking for one-night stands. This is not what I'm searching for. What I want is a full scale relationship with a particular girl. Although, one night with a random girl would be probably better than nothing.

About my self-esteem... Well, I have none (actually never had) and I don't know how to develop it. Self-help books do not help, I have no one close who could help me through and don't have money for therapy. I know that you can't help me over the Internet... I just need to share this all with someone.

Angus Og

If you need to share, go ahead. You sound pretty normal. Self-esteem is something we all know about when it's gone, but rarely before that. I envy your honesty. I couldn't even
begin to write about the things that worry me. Even in anonymity.

Just know that you aren't alone.

LostCase42

Angus Og wrote: »

If you need to share, go ahead. You sound pretty normal. Self-esteem is something we all know about when it's gone, but rarely before that. I envy your honesty. I couldn't even
begin to write about the things that worry me. Even in anonymity.

Just know that you aren't alone.

Thank you Angus!

I don't feel like I'm normal. I just finished my university degree, found a great job and I feel that I should be happy about it. But I'm not... It's just all emptiness from inside. I don't have anyone to share anything with... I separated form my family years ago, we just couldn't go along together. I never had any friends, so I'm alone since then. It was tolerable when I was a student. I lived in a college and somebody was always around. Now I'm all alone...

To sum it up, my personality is not something that could attract any girl. Even the girls who are broken like me want something better. They immediately notice that I'm insecure, that I'm missing esteem and confidence. Someone told me to fake it untill I make it. I don't know how to do that any better than this what I'm doing right now. My whole life has been a lie. I always pretended to be great when I felt worst. I can't do it any better. And I don't want to do it at all anymore. I want to have someone I can be fully honest to. Without any rejection or conviction.

Lets return to girl from the beginning of my story. She doesn't want to have anything with me. We had a good time (actually I had and I believed she also did, for my standards) for first few times when we met. After that it got harder and harder to even see her. So I think that the proper time to disappear from her life has gone long ago.

I didn't want to share this, but I would be rather dead than alone now. I'm too tired of it... I can't expect to meet any other girl soon, and on the other side, I would have to change a lot to be able to attract anyone.

And here is the magic circle... I can't change without help. I've been trying it for years without any result, only more desperation. And I can't get anyone if I don't change.

You shouldn't envy me. It's just foolishness and desperation talking out of me. And I wouldn't be writing here if I had anyone to talk about any of this.

Angus Og

Ok, you should be proud of what you've achieved. A degree and a great job is a lot these days.

Has the effort involved in the degree affected you? I mean, is it part of this issue? I know people who felt that way after college. They put so much into their work that they felt like they had lost touch with everybody.

You might need to give yourself some time to relax and get back into normal life. Seriously, you don't sound strange at all. You sound like your confidence is gone. It will come back.

sbsquarepants

Why do you think you need to change?
You say your personality is not attractive to people, but why not?
I think you might be being overly critical of yourself

yourdeadwright

hey man best thing you can do is enjoy urself and the dates your having and yes your having them already,she wouldnt go to lunch if she didn't like ye,
Forget about reading all these books and acting this way and that, just have FUN put no pressure on yourself to be anything other than yourself,
just go enjoy urself and she'll bounce off it and have a good time too, no need for trying to work it all out in your head go with the flown,

oh best of luck mate,

LostCase42

Angus Og wrote: »

Ok, you should be proud of what you've achieved. A degree and a great job is a lot these days.

Has the effort involved in the degree affected you? I mean, is it part of this issue? I know people who felt that way after college. They put so much into their work that they felt like they had lost touch with everybody.

You might need to give yourself some time to relax and get back into normal life. Seriously, you don't sound strange at all. You sound like your confidence is gone. It will come back.

No, it has always been like this, since my childhood. As a kid, I never had friends. I never had any social life. When I was a schoolkid, I actually never had an idea of something like that. We (my family) lived in a very closed community with few kids and there was no opportunity for developing social skills. I realized that something is missing when I went to high school. Everyone had friends, some classmates had relationships and I was wandering why is that so. I never understood why I can't make any friends. But I was occupied with studying and it didn't bother me much.

Another problem was that my family had some issues (and still has, but without me for the last few years). It's hard to talk about it... but let's say it was pretty disfunctional. That together with isolation made me a person without any self-worth, esteem or confidence. Very introverted and with no social skills at all. Later, when I was at college, I started figuring out what is wrong with me.

Now I do have an almost clear picture of what and how went wrong. But knowing what is wrong and fixing that are two completely different things. I know that understanding is a must for fixing, but there is much more. You can't fix a broken window by knowing which stone broke it and who threw it. I would practically have to undo 25 years of my life and start over what seems really impossible for me. I'm not that strong...

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Why do you think you need to change?
You say your personality is not attractive to people, but why not?
I think you might be being overly critical of yourself

Because I'm introverted, don't have skills to handle people, and as a result of that, good part of time depressed too. I'm trying to be realistic. I watch how people communicate between them and how do I communicate with people. And I see a big difference.

I don't know, it could be that I'm too critical. Imagine this... I'm on a boat, all alone. I dont see any land, but I have to reach it as soon as possible. I don't know how far and in what direction could I find that land. It could be that the land is 5 miles away, but also 500. If I assume that it is 5, there is very very big chance that I'll be disappointed (it happened many times already). So I assume it's 500...

yourdeadwright wrote: »

hey man best thing you can do is enjoy urself and the dates your having and yes your having them already,she wouldnt go to lunch if she didn't like ye,
Forget about reading all these books and acting this way and that, just have FUN put no pressure on yourself to be anything other than yourself,
just go enjoy urself and she'll bounce off it and have a good time too, no need for trying to work it all out in your head go with the flown,

oh best of luck mate,

Well, I don't have them anymore... She is always "busy" lately and I can't see her. It could be that she is telling the truth, but how could I know that... In more than 90% of cases, I was the one who was inviting her. She would never take the initiative (she is that kind of person).

Anyway, thank you for your advice. I will try it if ever get another chance.

Kimia

Hi Op. I'm sad to see that you've just accepted your current state of affairs and seem to be resigned to being an introverted shy person with low self-esteem for the rest of your life.

Not much point in me giving you advice. Best of luck.

LostCase42

Kimia wrote: »

Hi Op. I'm sad to see that you've just accepted your current state of affairs and seem to be resigned to being an introverted shy person with low self-esteem for the rest of your life.

Not much point in me giving you advice. Best of luck.

No, you got me wrong! I would give anything to change it. if I knew it would help, I wouldn't refuse cutting of my legs. My only reason for writing this all is to get opinions which I couldn't get otherwise. It is true that I don't have any strength or belief left in me, what is visible from my posts. I see what is wrong and I have an idea how should my life look to be acceptable (I still have some common sense left, although I'm afraid that I'll lose it all). What I don't see is how to get from this state to acceptable (hence the boat metaphore). I'm trying to get to the land, I just often miss the direction and make it worse.

LegacyUser

Hi
I'm sad to hear how hopeless you're feeling. Im in a kinda similar situation to you, Im pretty shy around people and sometimes I feel like I cant show my true self to anyone because of my insecurities..but I think that with time and experience that confidence will come...well I like to hope so anyway..so i guess just try to get out there as often as possible and keep trying until it works.. and try to meet people similar to you with the same interests..
Also, maybe the girl is as shy as you are..I know that I often avoid guys just because i'm insecure and shy around them, not because i'm not interested or dont like them..it really annoys me! anyway, none of this probably helped, but just so you know there are people in the same situation as you!
don't lose hope!

sbsquarepants

I think you need to try and view the world in a more positive light. You say you've come from a tough, disfunctional background and yet you've still managed to get yourself a degree and a great job. That's a big achievment and would probably be beyond a lot of people in your position. So be proud of yourself, we can all only play the cards we're dealt and from what i can see you've played yours really well.
You've already proved you can achieve your goals when you set your mind to them. I can't speak for this girl, but i'm well impressed with what you've done so far and i'm sure plenty of others would be too!
There are 3 billion women in the world, even if you don't click with this one it's not like she's the last one left!!
Relax and be proud of what you've done so far, you should be and in the end that will rub off on people.
Best of luck mate

rediguana25

I agree with sbsquarepants..you really need to start trying to think of the positive side of things. Apart from the issue with the girl and not being sure if she likes you or not, we all have that same issue at times where we're unsure whether we have a chance or not..whether you're confident or very insecure it's a universal issue I think. But I think the main thing you need to address is the negative opinion you have of yourself.
I really feel strongly about this. I know you have have gotten a rough deal in the past with family stuff and the past will always be there but it's right now you need to put your energy into. Try to take 5 mins everyday to say nice things to yourself - that you are proud of yourself for getting yourself through college, or that you got a job or that you got up this morning...anything....just to start you on the positive track even if it seems silly or even if you are thinking of the most mundane things. Little by little you will start to feel yourself having a slightly more positive view on things. I know this may sound silly or strange but even showing appreciation for the little things can go a long way to improving your state of mind.

It is true that you can't love anybody until you love yourself. It really is a fact. You may think somebody will make you happy but you can only really make yourself happy. Then when you are happier about yourself you will start to attract similar minded people into your life. But it has to start with you. Tbh OP if I was the girl you were meeting I would spot a mile off that you have a v. negative view of yourself and I would feel uncomfortable with that. People are very perceptive and they can pick up the negative energy very easily...even if nothing negative is said so I really urge you to concentrate on yourself. You have so much to offer. By reading your posts I can see that you're v. clever and you even know the reasons that you are the way you are- which some people would spend a lot of money on a therapists couch trying to discover. You already know yourself very well OP by the sounds of it so use this to your advantage and make a start to move on - knowing that you are special and have a lot to offer the right person.
Best of luck