Is this normal?

LegacyUser

Hi,
I was dating a girl last year for 7 months or so,we where very close and saw each other every evening and spent the weekends together. I thought things where good but in the end she ended it because she said she didn't love me as much as i loved her and she couldn't go on, we kept in contact for a while but in the end she stopped returning emails etc i still find it very tough because she was the first to say i love you and wanted to be with me and stuff. I still send the very odd email just to let her know i'm here and stuff i know i shouldn't but sometimes it just helps to get through the day!
I am finally moving on or trying too, but i guess my real question is last weekend a friend of mine seperated from his partner they where living together for a number of years and had
kids together - and i was talking to him yesterday and asking how he was coping and stuff and he said he had joined a website and had allready met and slept with 3 women this week
not sure if i totally belive him, but even if he did why do i feel guilty for even looking at dating sites or trying to flirt with women when i know my ex wont get back with me
yet he just goes from one to another,
Is it really better to come across as someone that doesn't care and just out to have sex and stuff, i just wanted a propper long term commited relationship but it seems to be a holy grail at this stage.
Sorry for the big rant..
T.

whatsamsn

Hi T.
First off, you come off as an alright bloke. Have to throw that in there you seem to be looking for a proper relationship, not just a "ah they'll do" type of thing. I myself can relate to that, and alot in what you say in other things too.

I too dated a girl for a week shy of 7 months last year. Ended the last week of December. So I hope my similar situation will give you some good advice

You say you've emailed the girl after the breakup. That was a bad idea. It was nice if you wanted to continue contact from that perspective, but knowing she broke up with you, and knowing now she stopped responding. Its best to never contact her ever again. So in other words, to hell with her. She broke up with you, didnt want to contact you ever again. So screw her.

As for the friend who said he joined a dating site and had 3 one night stands already. I'd take that with a pinch of salt. If he said he was on it a few weeks/a month. Yeah probably true. Dating sites are sex sites for quite a lot of people. I would advise you to not join these sites unless you are after just the one thing ... sex - i know i might come under fire for saying that from other users on here. Personally I fall under the camp of you wont find that special someone on dating sites. Thats my own view tho. Another topic.

you say:
"Is it really better to come across as someone that doesn't care and just out to have sex and stuff, i just wanted a propper long term commited relationship but it seems to be a holy grail at this stage.

I hear you bro. 100%. Same thing i'm questioning. Sad thing is, people are different. People even use people. I couldnt date anyone I wasnt interested in. Others could... most would... even if they feel their other half is only "alight/guess they'll do" - my point is people are selfish. People use people. One of the most common issues in dating is that one half only sees their partner as they'll do - so what happens when they are no longer needed? they get tossed aside. As their "worth" has been used up.

Op, its sad to say but you should just be out for yourself. Know what things are and all that.


... but even if he did why do i feel guilty for even looking at dating sites or trying to flirt with women when i know my ex wont get back with me ...

You're still hung up over her. Ah i'm hung up over my ex too (for me, not so much her, but what happened) We're in the same boat. They say the best way to get over someone is to get under another. Thats bs. You dont get over someone until you meet someone else.

elleburp

stillhurts wrote: »

I thought things where good but in the end she ended it because she said she didn't love me as much as i loved her and she couldn't go on, we kept in contact for a while but in the end she stopped returning emails etc i still find it very tough because she was the first to say i love you and wanted to be with me and stuff.

That's pretty tough. I can see why you'd still be hung up on her.

I don't think sleeping around is the answer, or trying to come across as someone who doesn't care. No woman's going to want to be with someone who doesn't seem to care.

Best advice already given is to be out for yourself. Take it that you are your own priority. Figure out what it was that you wanted in this girl, that's the stuff you're looking for in a woman. If you know that then you're half way to finding what you want

showgirl

hi op,

i feel for you! that like you love me more than i love you is rubbish! i never understood it! Someone once told me their interpretation of happiness was to find someone who loved you more than you loved them and you would never have to worry about them leaving you! i dont know if your ex had ever heard of that! how does she know that you loved her more - is there a way to measure love now?? Just sounds weird!

anyway i suppose what im trying to get at is that this dating game is a joke - there are so many ways to screw it up - i just wonder is it worth it sometimes - i firmly believe that throwin yourself into bed with any woman is going to make you far worse off than you already are now - Please do not follow your friends path!! you say you want a long term relationship then i dont think that this is the way to go about it!! What i can tell you about women is that alot of them have been hurt by w*nkers only to take it out on the decent guys that come their way!! i dont even know what a decent guy is anymore and that is because of all the a$$holes that i have met along the way!

what i would say to you is to give it time and it will happen to you and that girl will be very lucky because she will have met one of the last remaining decent guys that this society has left!!

hold strong!!

LegacyUser

Since she left me, i have been on two dates, both where diasters i couldn't even hug them at the end of the date so i know i deffinley couldn't sleep with anyone it wouldn't be fair to them or me. , Showgirl thats what i tried to tell her many times, that you can't measure love it's such a huge thing that if you are lucky enough to connect with someone then you should grab it with both hands.
I don't have any ill feelings towards her maybe i should but i think that would be pointless i just didn't want her to hate me for trying so hard to get her back, i guess why i''ve hit a wall now is because this time last year we where both in Galway on a weekend away was just the two of us and it was probably the best hoilday i ever had because it felt so right and normal and loving and now it's like a dream.
We are both in our mid 30's and she was probably the first real love i ever had that actually
wanted to be with me and loved me for me.
How can you even build up trust again with someone? i know i am not the only person to have gone through this, and elleburp and whatsamsn as well as showgirl i really really appericate your advice. I just don't want to feel this pain again.
T.

TitoPuente

stillhurts wrote: »

Since she left me, i have been on two dates, both where diasters i couldn't even hug them at the end of the date so i know i deffinley couldn't sleep with anyone it wouldn't be fair to them or me.

Give it some more time. You'll be fine.

stillhurts wrote: »

I just don't want to feel this pain again.

The fact is that you might. It's better to have loved and lost and all that. Look, you can't make someone fall in love with you or love you back nor can you make someone stay with you if they don't want to. You do, however, have to have a little faith. Don't let the bitter experience of being screwed about or having your heart broken change who you are whatever you do. Be positive.