Gay & not sure what to do

LegacyUser

Right... Not really sure where to start with this. I'm 18 and gay. I have told a small number of friends and pretty much all of them took it well. My family don't know, and I don't think I'll ever be able to tell them.

Anyway, a rumour started going around about me being gay in school. Instantly, I denied it but I reckon a lot of people who I didn't tell know the truth. Looking back, it was really stupid of me to even acknowledge the rumour but I just didn't want everybody finding out and panicked I suppose. If some of the people in my school did find out, it could easily get back to my family and like I've said I really don't want that happening. I'm also worried that my friends who I didn't tell will find out/have found out. I'm worried about a certain friend in particular in finding out. He's one of my best friends, but comes across as homophobic. I don't know if our friendship would be the same if he knew. It's not that I fancy him or anything though.

I kinda feel like being gay is getting me down, too. I'm constantly thinking about how different people will find out and react, if I'll ever have a boyfriend (my low self-esteem tells me no), if I should just come out, etc. I try and forget about it and just get on with things, but it's not easy! Anyone have any advice?

cooltown

Hi!
I know excatly how you feel! I am in the same position myself!
Are your parents vey homofobic? If they are son't worry about it! Remember this is the way you were born. As for your friend he might accept you but don't worry about him! If he doesn't it's his loss!
I know about the boyfriend thing I feel the excat sime as you but what I always tell my self is that I be in collage in just over a year and my life will begin to improve! I will meet somebody and fall in love! PM me if you want to talk!

Doop

Try not to over think it... Your 18!

You've done somthing very difficult by telling a few mates already so fair play. You must be almost finished school by now. Are you going to go to college? You'll find people are a lot more open minded in college, everyone just wants to get on and have a good time, and even people like your friend that your worried about will meet and get to know gay people in college. This changes peoples attitudes, if they started kicking off being homofobic in college, they wouldnt be very popular.

Can you move away to college, make a fresh start? it doesnt have to be running away, but its always easier to meet new people and let them know your gay.

I think you could be supprised about this friend, its changes peoples attitudes when one of their mates is gay. I've seen mates of mine who before I told them I would of though they might freak out, and maybe not want to be mates, one guy in particular, who I've since over heard him giving out to someone for a homofobic remark... saying one of his best mates is gay and that crap isnt on (refering to me!!). Dont underestimate your mates!

Exile 1798

I wouldn't write your friend off, or anyone for that matter.

We all grow up with a social/cultural form of homophobia. Most people can seem mildly homophobic in the form of jokes or casual utterances. It doesn't follow that these people actually dislike or hate gay people. I know because I'm one of those people.

When my mate came out and I had a choice between him or my mild cultural homophobia, I choose him, and so did all our other friends. None of us were actually homophobic, though he would have had good reason to think we were.

Reading this forum, that experience seems to have been the same for many people who have come out. I'm not saying your mate will be fine, but there is a very decent chance he will be. It's very easy to let doubt overcome hope in your mind, but it's something you must resist.

You say yourself that the few people you've told took it well, I think that's a good sign.

I wish you the best.

Annasopra

Why do you think you won't be able to come out to your family ever?

Untense

Apollo123 wrote: »

Right... Not really sure where to start with this. I'm 18 and gay. I have told a small number of friends and pretty much all of them took it well. My family don't know, and I don't think I'll ever be able to tell them.

I don't know your situation but sometimes we can really misjudge how people will take this stuff. My own parents were surprisingly okay with everything after they found out, I was getting ready to be thrown out. I've seen a friend get completely accepted by his backward father and his brothers, all of whom I would have thought would disown him - his father had heard rumours about me and badmouthed me to a former boss..This was before he found out the truth about his own son. Anyway, my point is keep an open mind, you might be surprised.

I kinda feel like being gay is getting me down, too. I'm constantly thinking about how different people will find out and react, if I'll ever have a boyfriend (my low self-esteem tells me no), if I should just come out, etc. I try and forget about it and just get on with things, but it's not easy! Anyone have any advice?

Are you feeling down because you're gay, or because you're imagining how other people might react? There's a big difference between the two. The truth is we're very good at imagining all the negative ways people will react but how often do you imagine a positive or even an indifferent response?
What you're imagining is not actual people's thoughts, but your own fearful thoughts projected on to other people.

LegacyUser

Firstly I'd like to thank everybody for replying .

cooltown wrote:

Are your parents vey homofobic?

I'm not sure that I'd exactly class them as homophobic (I'm not sure about the exact definition of "homophobia"), but they aren't exactly open-minded. My Mam has said in passing before that she believes "marriage to be between a man and a woman". Mam also once asked me if a friend of mine (who is 19) is gay and I said I didn't know to which she replied "I'd say he doesn't know himself, he's too young to know what way he is". This doesn't exactly give me much confidence in telling them. If I did is she going to try and tell me that it's "just a phase", and I don't know "what way I am"? Dad is kinda the joker type and has made homosexual jokes before. I don't think malice is intended though (and don't think he'd make them if he knew), I think it's just the way he is. He jokes about everything.

Doop wrote:

Are you going to go to college?

Can you move away to college, make a fresh start? it doesnt have to be running away, but its always easier to meet new people and let them know your gay.

I hope to go, yeah . As for moving away to college, that'd be difficult. I couldn't justify moving to campus considering how close I live to the college I want to go to if that's what you mean. And a lot of people from school want to go there, too. So, I don't really think so.

Doop wrote:

I think you could be supprised about this friend, its changes peoples attitudes when one of their mates is gay. I've seen mates of mine who before I told them I would of though they might freak out, and maybe not want to be mates, one guy in particular, who I've since over heard him giving out to someone for a homofobic remark... saying one of his best mates is gay and that crap isnt on (refering to me!!). Dont underestimate your mates!

Hopefully he'll understand whenever I tell him. I don't really plan to at the moment, though. Like I said, he's one of my best friends. We pretty much tell each other everything and so in a way I feel bad I'm keeping this a big secret. But at the same time, I just don't know how he'd react.

Exile 1798 wrote:

I wouldn't write your friend off, or anyone for that matter.

We all grow up with a social/cultural form of homophobia. Most people can seem mildly homophobic in the form of jokes or casual utterances. It doesn't follow that these people actually dislike or hate gay people. I know because I'm one of those people.

Yeah, I see where you're coming from. And don't get me wrong, I like a joke and a laugh as much as anyone.

Exile 1798 wrote:

I wish you the best.

Thanks .

Johnnymcg wrote:

Why do you think you won't be able to come out to your family ever?

I fear that they won't accept me. That they won't want to know me, that they'd disown me.

Untense wrote:

Are you feeling down because you're gay, or because you're imagining how other people might react? There's a big difference between the two. The truth is we're very good at imagining all the negative ways people will react but how often do you imagine a positive or even an indifferent response?
What you're imagining is not actual people's thoughts, but your own fearful thoughts projected on to other people.

Sorry, I should have been more specific. The fact that I'm gay isn't what's getting me down. Like you said, it's because I'm imaging how other people might react. And you're perfectly right. I never would have imagined one of my friends saying "Okay, cool" when I told him (which is what one of them did say ). Rather I worry about the "OMG, you're what!?!" type reaction.

Once again, thanks to everyone for replying .

Annasopra

Apollo123 wrote: »

Firstly I'd like to thank everybody for replying .

I'm not sure that I'd exactly class them as homophobic (I'm not sure about the exact definition of "homophobia"), but they aren't exactly open-minded. My Mam has said in passing before that she believes "marriage to be between a man and a woman". Mam also once asked me if a friend of mine (who is 19) is gay and I said I didn't know to which she replied "I'd say he doesn't know himself, he's too young to know what way he is". This doesn't exactly give me much confidence in telling them. If I did is she going to try and tell me that it's "just a phase", and I don't know "what way I am"? Dad is kinda the joker type and has made homosexual jokes before. I don't think malice is intended though (and don't think he'd make them if he knew), I think it's just the way he is. He jokes about everything.

I fear that they won't accept me. That they won't want to know me, that they'd disown me.

Sorry, I should have been more specific. The fact that I'm gay isn't what's getting me down. Like you said, it's because I'm imaging how other people might react. And you're perfectly right. I never would have imagined one of my friends saying "Okay, cool" when I told him (which is what one of them did say ). Rather I worry about the "OMG, you're what!?!" type reaction.

Once again, thanks to everyone for replying .

I think you are worrying too much about other peoples reactions - You honestly don't know how your parents will react - They don't seem extremely conservative at all - You may not be ready to come out to them yet but it's a fairly dramatic thing to say never - Some parents react negatively at first but over time become very accepting - as well as that there are lots of resources with information for parents such as the the parents support group and the website http://www.lovingouroutkids.org/

For now - don't worry about your parents though - concentrate on getting to college and try not to worry so much