coldfeet?

LegacyUser

I'm to get married later this year, we're together 10 years and in our late 20's.
I think I'm either getting cold feet and overacting to something, or else my H2B has been a bit of a selfish kid lately and I'm wary of saying anything to him, in case I am just overreacting.

A family member died on valentines day (my family, not his). But after the funeral etc, I asked would he like to celebrate it later in the month, you know a nice meal, a bit of a switch off for me. We agreed on a friday. I went home early from work, made a lovely dinner, ready for him when he got in, candles etc. He came, in a bad mood after work, ate the dinner then told me I have until 9.30 to have a chat if I wanted to as then the late late show would be on. I assumed that maybe I had read too much into the "doing valentines" another time and let it go.

Then my birthday came up recently, it was totally ignored. I got upset, he said that I was childish for wanting anything done but if he had of known he would have done something "to avoid this hassle". I asked if we could go to a particular place I liked to eat, but it was too expensive apparently. (€40 for both of us last time I was there and he's not short of money with a decent job and me paying half the mortgage).

Despite it being too expensive to bring me out for my birthday, he managed to go out with some of his friends on a complete bender to punchestown. What he spent on bets alone would have cost 3 times a night out for me.

Now before I sound too selfish, it was his birthday at the start of this week, I'm working parttime and after I pay my way in the house here, I have about €30 for myself. I have been saving a while so that we could do something for his birthday, my treat.

I hadn't seen him in 3 days (I was working nights) and he knew I'd be back yesterday evening. So I was all nicely dressed and ready to suprise him with hs night out. I got a text saying he was visiting his mother. I asked did he know when he would be back. He said 6, I said "ok see you then xx". He arrived home at 9. He had had dinner with his family for his birthday so he didn't want to go out or anything.

So Valentines day was ignored, my birthday was ignored. His birthday warranted a big night out, €100's spent on himself and a dinner with his family which he didn't tell me about until he got home so I wasn't invited.

I'm terrified that if I marry him, it will ALWAYS be him putting himself first. Is it too much to ask that the person you love do something for you just because. When I met him, I used to love doing little things, just to make him smile or feel good. I don't bother anymore because he doesn't and I was feeling taken for granted. When I said it to him I was told it was my choice to do nice things, so why should I feel taken for granted. I stopped to try get us on an even keel, rather than me doing things and feeling bad because he didn't.

Now we've had our first year of not doing something together for the birthdays. I feel like we're halfway down a slippery slope of not making an effort for each other. I have said it to him, and was told he's doing his best so if I don't like it we should break up. I also tried being the one to start with the effort again. It's still ignored. I just want someone who will allow me to spoil them and who would enjoy doing something small for me just to make me smile. I'm really wondering if we love each other at all or if we fell into a "relationship" based on comfort.

I don't know if I have cold feet or if I should get out. There is no more room for talking. He doesn't see the problem. If I try to talk to him he'll do the "if you're not happy we'll break up" thing.

seenitall

It sounds like your OH is the one with the cold feet, not you.

He is either an inconsiderate, self-serving jerk by nature and has always been thus,

OR

he has fallen out of love, wants out of the relationship and is using the old "It's my way or the highway" roundabout method of acheiving it (by means of you choosing the highway at some point - thus you also get the blame in everyone else's eyes for busting up a 10 year old relationship).

Either way, I can't see this having a happy end. Sorry, OP

You sound like a nice and caring girl, and therefore you deserve to be with someone equally nice and caring. Time for new beginnings methinks.

The best of luck!

amybabes

i hear this story from female or male friends much too often.

I must say, i have rarely encountered a relationship where both parties put the same amount of effort in, especially regards time, gifts, doing nice thing, putting the other one first.

I am the generous, thoughtful one in my own relationship - i've fought with my bf plenty of times about his lack of romance and his thoughtlessness......but at the end of the day, he hasn't changed since i first met him and he'll always laugh at me and say "you knew how i was from the start" when i tell him about what so and so has done for his gf, point out things on tv etc.....

and maybe i am the one who is over generous??

newtoboards

Getting married puts things in sharp focus with all this talk of forever. It was pretty cruel of him to go do something for his birthday with his family and exclude you. Have you asked him why you weren't included in this? Communication is one of the most important parts of any relationship. Ask him how he feels about the relationship now. Ask him if a future together is still what he wants. They're really difficult questions but it could just be that after ten years together both of you are taking each other very much for granted. It could also be that you and he are growing apart as after ten years together ye have both changed.

Chinafoot

coldfeet? wrote: »

I have said it to him, and was told he's doing his best so if I don't like it we should break up.

.......

If I try to talk to him he'll do the "if you're not happy we'll break up" thing.

Really, really, really loud alarm bells ringing here. I'm sorry but if my partner came to me and said that he felt taken for granted and wanted us to put more effort into the romance of our relationship, the last thing I would ever dream of saying to him is "if you're not happy we'll break up." Thats a horrible thing to say to someone you're meant to love.

He has essentially told you to either suck it up or walk. Thats not how relationships should work on issues like this. He's being incredibly selfish and hurtful.

I think you need to seriously reevaluate this relationship as it doesn't sound like he cares anymore. 10 years is a long time but you're still young. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who has so little regard for your feelings?

Drumpot

From what little you have written your story reminds me of a person I know (who is 6 years ahead of you, married with children) . .

Her husband leaves her to look after the kids ALL the time . .He controls the money (even her social welfare) . .

She goes out seldom . . But the other night she went out for first time in ages, he was to look after their kids . . Instead he phones up her mother and gets them to babysit, he then hijacks the birthday drinks she was having with my wife and another friend and begins to bark orders at how the night should go . .

He even brings his child to the pub when he is minding them and he cant get somebody to take care of them! !

Now . . Sounds like the person you are engaged to has alot of ignorant traits mentioned above. The very fact that you are wondering whether you should still go ahead suggests you may have extremely low self esteem . .

Is there a close friend/family member who you can talk to about this ? If not, I imagine they all hate this guy, which tells a story itself. Are you constantly defending this guy to those close to you ? Alarm bells . .

We all get into a comfort zone, but theres only so much you can excuse . . From what you said here you should get out of that relationship as quickly as possible unless you want to be a doormat . . Think about your future children . .

I have fights with my wife, I can be inconsiderate and I have said hurtful things to her in the past (that I regretted), but a relationship is about compromise . . I love her going out with her friends, going horseriding and having her own life . . Absence makes the heart go fonder , I dont doubt I have the most perfect woman for me (married 4 years, with wife for 10). At the end of the day, why get married to somebody who offers you "like it or lump it"?

showgirl

hi Op,

My heart goes out to you! The relationship that you have described is my idea of hell!! I know that you are together for 10 years and have become comfortable around each other but it sounds like your husband to be has lost all his manners and cop on during that time!

this is not a normal relationship - if he really loved you he wouldnt be celebrating his birthday with his family and excluding you! or telling giving you ultimatums!!

I can imagine how hard it would be for you to throw away 10 years and look like the b!tch that dumped a guy before ye were married! BUT GIRL you need to think of yourself - if you are feeling like this now I can guarantee that it is going to get worse with time when you are married and have kids!!

Communication is the key to any relationship and it seems that while you are trying to communicate with him he is not responding!! I cannot believe he would not take you out for dinner for your birthday - you deserve so much better than him!! There are plenty of guys out there that will want to treat you as much as you treat them!!

you sound like a woman that any man would be happy to have around!!

Dump this guy and go and find that romatic loving guy that you deserve!!! ( and keep that engagement ring) ( thats even if he bothered forking out for one )

Best of luck OP!!

LegacyUser

OP here.

We had a row over something silly 2 days ago. I made his favourite supper and he told me I should not have bothered. In a nice voice but I think it was just not appreciated.

Something I didn't mention, our intimacy levels are terrible. We never say those "3 little words" anymore. Cuddles/kisses are nonexistant. We have sex rarely, maybe once a month. I've tried to speak to him about all of this and I'm told his job is stressful, he's too tired etc. Then today I downloaded google chrome, who told me that a particular freeporn site is one of the most visited from my computer. I know men look at porn. There's nothing wrong with it. But constant rejection of me, what I do, what I try to do, what I want. Rejecting me emotionally and physically then looking up porn while I'm out. He hasn't lost his interest in sex, he's lost it in me. He denys this, but surely looking at porn is proof he still wants sex, still thinks about it?

I was looking at him the other day wondering why I'm always angry at him lately. He looks at me and I feel mad. I don't know what is happening to me. I think I want out. But I'm scared. His friends are the only friends I have, I'll be alone without him. I am tied into a house with him. I can't afford to move out. I know he's a great bloke when he's in top form, he's just never in top form around me anymore. I do love him, I think.

It's easy for me to think I'll just go. But it's not easy to do when half your life has been spent with this person, when you're planning your marriage and when you are broke and have nobody really to turn to except his friends wives.

Miss Fluff

coldfeet?? wrote: »

I was looking at him the other day wondering why I'm always angry at him lately. He looks at me and I feel mad. I don't know what is happening to me. I think I want out. But I'm scared. His friends are the only friends I have, I'll be alone without him. I am tied into a house with him. I can't afford to move out. I know he's a great bloke when he's in top form, he's just never in top form around me anymore. I do love him, I think.

It's easy for me to think I'll just go. But it's not easy to do when half your life has been spent with this person, when you're planning your marriage and when you are broke and have nobody really to turn to except his friends wives.

He can't bring himself to dump you as that makes him the bad guy and leaves you very vulnerable and alone. So he is doing his best to manafacture a situation whereby you will dump him. He can't grab his testicles for long enough to actually put you both out of this misery so instead he is taking the long, slow, protracted and agonising approach. A close male friend of mine has been doing that to his poor unfortunate girlfriend for the last month and she finally saw the light yesterday.

No guy who really cared for you would say "if you don't like it let's break up". There's your answer hon. He wants you to do the dumping, he wants you to break up with him and his way of going about it is behaving like a twat. It's a harsh realisation to come to but am sure in your heart of hearts you know it's over?

LegacyUser

OP, it looks like this relationship is dead.
I think you know it is, and that it needs to end,

but

from the sound of it, you're not ready to go there yet, so how about instead of breaking up with him now, give yourself 3 months to get ready. Since he hasn't got the guts to end it, use that time to get yourself in a better position.

You say for instance your social life revolves around him and his friends, take a few steps to build your own social life - a new class, a new sport. Work out a way to get some money together and look into what your rights would be welfare wise if you move out, and how much rent etc. would cost you.

Faith

You poor thing. That sounds like such a horrible situation. It's my firm belief that if you want something to work, you'll do everything in your power to make it work. Unfortunately it sounds like your fiancé doesn't care at all any more, and you're quickly joining him there.

I think you know that this relationship isn't going to work out. Do you want to drag it out painfully and over a long time (are you going to go ahead with the wedding?) or do you want to rip the plaster off? If you're still iffy about leaving him because you'll be alone, then now is a perfect time to get out there and work on making your own friends, getting your own hobbies and interests, and setting yourself up well for when the inevitable happens.

It's an awful position to be in, and I hope you can come to a decision you're happy with soon.

Beruthiel

coldfeet?? wrote: »

I think I want out. But I'm scared. His friends are the only friends I have, I'll be alone without him. I am tied into a house with him. I can't afford to move out.

None of the above are good enough reasons to go through with this marriage.
Though you cannot see it right now, you will manage.
You will get through to the other side.
You will find a strength in you that you never knew existed.
Trust me on this.

I know he's a great bloke when he's in top form, he's just never in top form around me anymore.

And there is a reason for this. He no longer cares enough about you to make any kind of effort at all. Why the hell would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone like that?
Do you not think you are worth so much more?
You're miserable now, imagine this feeling x 20 extra years!

It's easy for me to think I'll just go. But it's not easy to do when half your life has been spent with this person, when you're planning your marriage and when you are broke and have nobody really to turn to except his friends wives.

You will move, find new friends and begin another phase of your life. I did it. I'm not saying it's easy. It's not. But you won't die from it and with each passing week it gets easier. Until one day you look back and realise how much more wonderful your life has become since you made that big decision.
You will be proud and pleased with yourself for having the strength to leave.

Best of luck, and remember, you deserve someone who cares for you as much as you do for them.

ash23

OP, I was in a similar position. in a relationship from 19 to 25, house bought, no friends aside from him etc. Didn't think I could ever live alone, manage financially (I have a child).

We weren't engaged as he refused to get married but a lot of what you said would indicate your fiancee is feeling the same as my ex was. Saying that if you aren't happy you should leave or break up with him, that rings a bell with me. Your fiancee is also afraid. He's afraid to break up with you so he's going to let you do the dirty work. He will continue to push you and push you, all the while hoping you leave him and he can play the victim.

I didn't work up the courage to leave. I waited and waited and eventually he left me for someone else. Which stung but it got my ass in gear. The fear didn't dissipate. I was terrifed. But I had to do it. It was no longer a choice.

I moved out, found a place to rent. Money is tight but it's do-able. The house is up for sale. He lives there now with his new partner.
The first few months were hard but it's been two years and I've made loads of new friends, my social life is healthy, I'm single and dating and I'm happier alone than I was with him. He seems happier too. When I think that we might have gotten married, had a child, stayed together.....I shudder. I deserve to be happy. So does he. And we weren't happy together.

You don't know your own strength. i've amazed myself with how well I have managed. And if I can do it, anyone can.

LegacyUser

OP here again.

It's so hard to read all of that. I know you're all right. I will speak to him tomorrow evening.

I don't know how I can do it financially. I'm working part time and getting some allowance but nearly all of my money goes towards the house. I can't just leave him with the payments on the house and I can't afford that and rent.

I'm still making excuses to myself ^^

ash23

coldfeet?? wrote: »

OP here again.

It's so hard to read all of that. I know you're all right. I will speak to him tomorrow evening.

I don't know how I can do it financially. I'm working part time and getting some allowance but nearly all of my money goes towards the house. I can't just leave him with the payments on the house and I can't afford that and rent.

I'm still making excuses to myself ^^

There are ways around it. It won't be easy though.

You can move home or he can, you can put the house for sale and live in it as flatmates until it sells or ye can agree that one person will stay and get a lodger in and the other will rent their own place (which is what myself and my ex did).