Need some advice from gents re sensitive situation...

Smallbit

OK guys, I have a rather sensitive situation with himself and I could really do with advice on this.

Not to put too fine a point on it, he's not very well endowed, BUT, and I stress this, he's very good in bed. I truly have no complaints as I've never been that concerned about pen1s size.

We had a conversation recently where I reluctantly admitted to him, when he asked, that he's the smallest I've been with. I didn't say it like that but let's say he was able to infer from my answers to several of his questions that he's the smaller of the select group. I haven't exactly had a huge range of experience, but I'm 45, so I've seen a few...

Anyway, it's now like the issue has become the elephant in the room, and he seems a little deflated if you'll pardon the pun, even though I've tried not to make it an issue. OK, he's shorter than average but actually thicker than average in my estimation and that's the more important dimension for me!

However, no matter what I say to him, I'm pretty sure the only thing in his head is "uh oh, I'm shorter than all the other guys she's slept with"

How do I help him get past this?! What do I say that will really boost his ego? Are there magic words, or secret phrases that will convince him that I think he's the best lover I've ever had?

Otis Driftwood

Just say to him exactly what you have written above or tell him about how much you enjoy sex with him.

CDfm

Its a bit naff and insensitive to compare people and hugely insensitive.

Talk about cutting a guy down to size.

I would imagine you are better off asking women how they overcame a faux pas like that with a guy rather than guys.

BrianD3

He probably knew already whether he was small, average or large, I'd imagine that most men have measured their cock and looked up cock size stats on the internet (I know I have)

If he's smaller than average it wasn't a great idea on his part to pester you on how big your exes were. Sound like you handled it fairly sensitively.

Obviously you can't unsay what you've said already but you could try to backtrack and fudge the issue eg say that you never actually measured your exes and probably misjudged their size, maybe make a joke about how women can't judge distance, that's why they're bad at parking cars etc.

deadhead13

Much like "does my bum look big in this?", the answer to the question should always be no. That said, I am assuming he is around the same age as you, he should really be over hang-ups about penis size by now.

LostinBlanch

Much like Deadhead says, this is one of those questions where a little white lie saves you so much hassle.

Smallbit wrote: »

OK, he's shorter than average but actually thicker than average in my estimation and that's the more important dimension for me!
.
.
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How do I help him get past this?! What do I say that will really boost his ego? Are there magic words, or secret phrases that will convince him that I think he's the best lover I've ever had?

You could reinforce this message . . . and stroke his . . . uh . . . ego with the best lover you've ever had message.

Other than that, maybe someone else has better ideas.

donfers

Am I the only one who thinks this is a wind-up?

you say you're 45 but the type of conversation you describe sounds like how insecure teenages would go about their sexual post-mortems

Cicero

....sorry now, but with your name & 41 posts, I'm sorry but can't really take this thread anyways seriously....as previous poster said...........wind up....:pac:

Smallbit

thanks for the advice gentlemen and sorry if some think it's a wind up. I may be 45 but I was married for 19 years. I don't have that much experience despite my age.

I did try to handle the situation sensitively and as I said in my post, my partner inferred from what I said that he was not the biggest guy. It's not a conversation I wanted to have believe me. It started only recently after we watched 'embarrasing bodies' on TV and sort of grew legs from there.

btw cicero my nickname is apparently my response, according to my b/f!, when asked do I want cake or chocolate. It isn't a reference to anything else!! Clearly this is a sensitive issue for a lot of men...

Nervous Wreck

If, at 45, he's asking you the kinds of questions that relate to the penis sizes of other men you've been with in relation to his and actively inferring from that that his own is definitely smaller, I reckon he has already got his own issues with his size and was already expecting to get the answer that he did. As such, no amount of positive reinforcement from you is going to make him feel comfortable with an issue he has clearly had for a large portion of his life. You'll never make him feel like his penis is big enough so leave it be. Continue with your sex life and have fun. It'll fade into the recesses of his mind in time and only resurface when he's feeling down about himself. But this is not your issue; it's his. Let him deal with it. If you feel like it, moan a little louder next time. But I doubt it'll help.

Smallbit

Thanks Nervouswreck, I think you're probably right about this. I'm certainly not going to raise the issue again! Least said, soonest mended in this case. I suppose because my profession is essentially 'talk therapy' I was over confident in my ability to 'fix' this issue.

Giselle

CDfm wrote: »

Its a bit naff and insensitive to compare people and hugely insensitive.

Talk about cutting a guy down to size.

I would imagine you are better off asking women how they overcame a faux pas like that with a guy rather than guys.

Unfair.

The faux pas was his for asking the question. The op's attempts to handle the situation when she was basically cornered were as sensitive as most peoples are when they're caught on the hop.

sam34

Giselle wrote: »

Unfair.

The faux pas was his for asking the question. The op's attempts to handle the situation when she was basically cornered were as sensitive as most peoples are when they're caught on the hop.

true. i'm a firm believer in not asking a question unless you're prepared to hear the answer.

CDfm

We often tell people little white lies to make life palatable.If someone is insecure -which may be a reason to ask such a question -do they really need to know the truth.

I believe it is gauche to discuss past lovers -if the comment would hurt the other and have empathy in that situation if it does arise.

Common sense should tell you where the conversation is going and the result this answer will have.

OldGoat

Giselle wrote: »

Unfair.

The faux pas was his for asking the question. The op's attempts to handle the situation when she was basically cornered were as sensitive as most peoples are when they're caught on the hop.

sam34 wrote: »

true. i'm a firm believer in not asking a question unless you're prepared to hear the answer.

I don't think his asking the question was a faux pas. Everyone, at some point, asks questions of their partners about performance. They may couch the question in more delicate terms but basicly everyone is 'insequerious'* about how they measure up in comparrison to previous lovers.

The OP is in a delicate position, playing with the partners fragile ego but she sound like she has her head on properly and will deal with the situation well enough.

'Least said, soonest mended' - exactly right.

*Insecure + curious = insequrious. My newest favouritest word.

sam34

OldGoat wrote: »

I don't think his asking the question was a faux pas. Everyone, at some point, asks questions of their partners about performance. They may couch the question in more delicate terms but basicly everyone is 'insequerious'* about how they measure up in comparrison to previous lovers.

The OP is in a delicate position, playing with the partners fragile ego but she sound like she has her head on properly and will deal with the situation well enough.

'Least said, soonest mended' - exactly right.

*Insecure + curious = insequrious. My newest favouritest word.

i disagree

there are a few things i'm insecure about, and i dont go around asking awkward questions of others for my own gratification. i know that i wont be reassured by the answers anyway because a)i'm aware people tell white lies and b)even if theyre telling the pleasant truth i wont believe them anyway and c)if they telll the truth and its unpalatable it will only make me feel worse

so i just dont bother asking

CDfm

OldGoat wrote: »

*Insecure + curious = insequrious. My newest favouritest word.

Mighty OG.

You should take OW's line " I have nothing to declare except my genius" and make it your sig

Cicero

Smallbit wrote: »

btw cicero my nickname is apparently my response, according to my b/f!, when asked do I want cake or chocolate. It isn't a reference to anything else!!

Apologies for not accepting ure original post as genuine..

No matter what you said, I reckon all that was heard was....'you're small'...now my only question is...did he hound you for the information on previous partners, or did it come more from you..?

I think (if you wanted to) you could pick ANY part of another persons body and proactively make them feel insecure about it if you try hard enough so I don't think 'sensitivity' is limited to the current topic...but it's different if he had 'issues' with it already....yes, ure choice of wording could have been different, but I just think there's more to it than that......i.e. the bigger the original ego, the tougher he will take the news...
you know yourself how your relationship stands....is this a crack related to other 'issues' or is it something that will pass with time?

Smallbit

Hmm. Well like I said, the question just popped up while we watched a program on TV that featured a bunch of rugby players having their penis measured by a doctor (embarrassing bodies I think).

The questions started out casually but became more focused as I tried to answer them without giving too much information away. I never do the whole comparing with exes thing believe me! I never actually said that this or that person was bigger, and having played sports with my ex, he already knows where he stands (at least when things are relaxed).

He compared my ex to the largest guy on TV so I tried to reassure him that guys that seem to be big when flaccid don't get that much bigger when erect. However, the way he saw things, my exes flaccid penis was as big as his erection. I now realise that no amount of reassurance is going to make that fact seem any more palatable to him.

To answer your second point, I don't think the issue is symptomatic of anything else. I'm very happy, he's otherwise very happy, and we're normally quite well able to talk through life's ups and downs. I'm still just a bit stunned at how profoundly this issue affects him, and other men I assume?

streetshooter

Smallbit wrote: »

thanks for the advice gentlemen and sorry if some think it's a wind up. I may be 45 but I was married for 19 years. I don't have that much experience despite my age.

I did try to handle the situation sensitively and as I said in my post, my partner inferred from what I said that he was not the biggest guy. It's not a conversation I wanted to have believe me. It started only recently after we watched 'embarrasing bodies' on TV and sort of grew legs from there.

btw cicero my nickname is apparently my response, according to my b/f!, when asked do I want cake or chocolate. It isn't a reference to anything else!! Clearly this is a sensitive issue for a lot of men...

some would say that you are a lot more sensitive to the subject then you pretend - you havn't managed to convince your partner that he is a good lover, and you are here on the threads looking for a solution to HIS problem! As previously stated, you need to concentrate on convincing him of the truth, assuming that you really believe that he is a good lover!

Smallbit

streetshooter wrote: »

some would say that you are a lot more sensitive to the subject then you pretend - you havn't managed to convince your partner that he is a good lover, and you are here on the threads looking for a solution to HIS problem! As previously stated, you need to concentrate on convincing him of the truth, assuming that you really believe that he is a good lover!

On the contrary. I have managed to convince him he's a good lover and I genuinely think he believes that. I have not managed to convince him that his penis size is not relevant for me.

I'm here because I'm interested enough to ask other men for an opinion. I'm sensitive to the issue becuase my partner so obviously is. I also notice in some of the responses that I appear to have pressed a few buttons.

We could discuss this issue for ever I suppose, but at least I now know there's no easy way to 'fix' this.

However, thank you to those that gave constructive advice...

streetshooter

Smallbit wrote: »

On the contrary. I have managed to convince him he's a good lover and I genuinely think he believes that. I have not managed to convince him that his penis size is not relevant for me.

I'm here because I'm interested enough to ask other men for an opinion. I'm sensitive to the issue becuase my partner so obviously is. I also notice in some of the responses that I appear to have pressed a few buttons.

We could discuss this issue for ever I suppose, but at least I now know there's no easy way to 'fix' this.

However, thank you to those that gave constructive advice...

by "constructive advice, do you mean advice you agree with?

OldGoat

I like this thread. It's turned a spotlight on the elephant in the room. Men and their relationship with their dicks. Do we have size issues, envy, understanding? Do we 'measure' up and if not should we care. Does that extra inch really matter? Do we even know how to measure our dicks? New thread perhaps?

streetshooter wrote: »

by "constructive advice, do you mean advice you agree with?

Thats a bit petty don't ya think?

Zulu

I dunno, some people can be very naive.

Q: "Does my bum look big in this?"
A: "No"
Q: "Do you think I've put on some weight?"
A: "No"
Q: "Is my dick smaller than your ex(s)?"
A: "No"
Q: "Was your ex better than me?"
A: "No"

Ideally we'd all be honest, but it's not an ideal world, and we are all sensitive about somethings. You should have lied to his face, but thats in the past now. Leave it in the past, as much as you can. It'll come up again though...

When it does, I'd suggest something along the lines of: "it's different, your's is much wider". Dodge & avoid.

CDfm

OldGoat wrote: »

I like this thread. It's turned a spotlight on the elephant in the room.

OG showing off again

Men and their relationship with their dicks. Do we have size issues, envy, understanding? Do we 'measure' up and if not should we care. Does that extra inch really matter? Do we even know how to measure our dicks? New thread perhaps?

I never have had any issues. Some guys I imagine would be needlessly secure.

Might be a good topic for a thread on how womens bodies react.

Id say go for it OG.

Thats a bit petty don't ya think?

The OP mentioned that she is a therapist -so I think its valid as it challenges the basis on which she looks at things.

It is easier on her to agree with her but what will she learn.I just think she lacked tact and empathy.

deadhead13

Smallbit wrote: »

Clearly this is a sensitive issue for a lot of men...

Smallbit wrote: »

I also notice in some of the responses that I appear to have pressed a few buttons.

I find both these statements a bit curious really. I've re-read the thread and find no evidence in the replies to back these claims up.

streetshooter

deadhead13 wrote: »

I find both these statements a bit curious really. I've re-read the thread and find no evidence in the replies to back these claims up.

could this sound like therapist's speak?

Wibbs

OldGoat wrote: »

I like this thread. It's turned a spotlight on the elephant in the room. Men and their relationship with their dicks. Do we have size issues,

Nope. I measured myself early enough as a youth and was happy with the result.

envy,

Nope. As before.

understanding?

Yea very much so. More and more today young fellas are being exposed to more porn at a way earlier age than I was, so I could understand where the worry and pressure comes from. As porn by its very nature is gonna have big shlongs(and huge boobs on women) young men are looking at outliers on the penile scale which doesnt equate with the average at all. You'll even hear of guys considering circumcision because of what (american)pron stars look like.

Do we 'measure' up and if not should we care.

I measure up OK, but don't care so much. May sound easy to say considering, but it really is what you do with it and that's just in the bedroom, outside the bedroom all bets are off. I've never had a woman stay with me or leave me for another because of the size or lack of of my wang. Its way down the list. Bi women have dumped guys for another woman and they don't have willies at all.

Does that extra inch really matter?

Only in the mind of the man in 90% of cases. Yes you get size queens among women who seek out the bigger, but they're not a large group. A mate of mine would have described herself as a size queen yet has settled down with a guy not breaking any records.

Do we even know how to measure our dicks?

From the pubic bone out I gather.

CDfm

streetshooter wrote: »

could this sound like therapist's speak?

What do you mean -like denial?

streetshooter

CDfm wrote: »

What do you mean -like denial?

No, I meant provocative, to continue the debate!

Zulu

OldGoat wrote: »

Do we have size issues, envy...?

I'd have thought that was fairly obvious:

Do thin people have "fat" issues?
Do tall people have "short" issues?
Do intelligent people have "dumb" issues?
Do DD-cup ladies have "flat" issues?

Clearly things are only really issues for people who they effect?

Wibbs

Zulu wrote: »

Clearly things are only really issues for people who they effect?

Well clearly, but in the case of willy size its more like average height people have short issues.

donfers

Smallbit wrote: »

I'm here because I'm interested enough to ask other men for an opinion. I'm sensitive to the issue becuase my partner so obviously is. I also notice in some of the responses that I appear to have pressed a few buttons.
...

wow a thread about penis size and you've managed to press a few buttons...who'd have thought?????!!!???

tbh I think the responses have been unsurprisingly underwhelming

Why? because the situation you describe pertains only to your relationship, I'm amazed this hasn't been moved to the agony aunt/personal issues thread or whatever it's called.

What do you expect from us here?

Yes my girlfriend told me I had a small penis and this is how I handled it......it's deeply personal stuff and on top of that most men

a) are not insecure about their penis size

b) if they are, they won't admit it

thread is a waste of time as it concentrates on Op's individual problem, generalise and rephase the discussion in new thread and people might offer more "constructive" commentary

Zulu

Wibbs wrote: »

Well clearly, but in the case of willy size its more like average height people have short issues.

meh, really?

I'd say most men know the average is somewhere shy of 6 inches, and worry (or not) accordingly. Obviously some men would be more sensitive than others. I wouldn't have though size was a huge issue for too many men. I'd have thunk that performance & longevity would be the more common concerns no?

CDfm

Wibbs wrote: »

Well clearly, but in the case of willy size its more like average height people have short issues.

I know a song about that

Wibbs

I reckon its a big enough market out there for willy insecurities. Spam a classic example. Viagra and grow your own type stuff is very common. Click into a lot of mainstream websites aimed at men and the size and turgidity of ones organ has a load of ads. There seems to be some sort of demand/insecurity in some male demographic anyway.

I'd say its kinda similar to "fat"in women. If you wanted to hurt the average woman calling her fat would not be far off calling the average man microdick.

Cicero

Smallbit wrote: »

To answer your second point, I don't think the issue is symptomatic of anything else. I'm very happy, he's otherwise very happy, and we're normally quite well able to talk through life's ups and downs. Im still just a bit stunned at how profoundly this issue affects him, and other men I assume?

a successful relationship doesn't pivot on just one aspect.....that's why I feel there is more to this story.....people in solid relationships tend to give/take and accept in equal quantaties....i don't see this happening here with either of you....
Question: Is size an issue?....Yes...if either party makes it so....

Snowie

this thread has left me thinking why do some men have big phallaces while othere small?


But you gotta wonder do things like breast feeding as a baby help with the sise of ones phalic object, and like what causes them to be so big where as other can be assumed as a micro penis which isnt really fair now I googled this and wike had some interesting answers things to do with diet etc..

But the main thing it said was gineteics..

Ps at the bottem of my googling of what causes big penis's

It had in sugestive searchs

"do italians have big penis's" :pac:

sam34

BBDBB please read the charter before posting here again

this isnt AH

BBDBB

clearly my intent at humour didnt have the desired impact

my sincere apologies

CDfm

Wibbs wrote: »

I'd say its kinda similar to "fat"in women. If you wanted to hurt the average woman calling her fat would not be far off calling the average man microdick.

I was wondering what the female equivalent was & I think you have nailed it.

Stheno

Wibbs wrote: »

I'd say its kinda similar to "fat"in women. If you wanted to hurt the average woman calling her fat would not be far off calling the average man microdick.

CDfm wrote: »

I was wondering what the female equivalent was & I think you have nailed it.

Similiarish, when I was in my late twenties, bell bottoms were temporarily all the rage. Now I was a size 8 at the time, and looked mid twenties.

So full of myself, I purchased a beautiful pair of raspberry colored cord bell bottoms, and when my OH of the time saw them, his reaction was "do you not think you're a bit mutton dressed as lamb there?"

I hadn't even asked what he thought, he just offered his opinion

I wore them a few times, but tbh the joy was gone out of them. This chap was also the sort of bloke who without being asked would comment on whether or not clothes made me look fat, and ask if I was going to put on makeup, so a bit of control freakishness going on there lol

Like sam34, I'd not ask questions about those bits of me I don't like, as I'd have the same inherent response. Getting it regardless is just a little off putting.

OldGoat

Damned if we comment on your apperance, damned if we don't show any interest.

streetshooter

OldGoat wrote: »

Damned if we comment on your apperance, damned if we don't show any interest.

lol

Zulu

Wibbs wrote: »

I'd say its kinda similar to "fat"in women. If you wanted to hurt the average woman calling her fat would not be far off calling the average man microdick.

Your probably right; I was thinking breast size myself, but fat is probably right.

Wibbs

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

this thread has left me thinking why do some men have big phallaces while othere small?

Well human males have the biggest willies in comparison to body size of all the great apes. So clearly a larger penis was selected by females in our evolutionary past. Why? That's the question. Sexual pleasure? Possibly. A bigger one will apply more pressure to sensitive areas. The clitoris in women unlike in great apes isnt directly stimulated by intercourse, which in of itslf is another interesting why? as well.

CDfm

Wibbs wrote: »

Well human males have the biggest willies in comparison to body size of all the great apes. So clearly a larger penis was selected by females in our evolutionary past. Why? That's the question. Sexual pleasure? Possibly. A bigger one will apply more pressure to sensitive areas. The clitoris in women unlike in great apes isnt directly stimulated by intercourse, which in of itslf is another interesting why? as well.

Only smarties have the answer :cool:

Cmon wibbs - you know something???

Wibbs

Nope no clue .

CDfm

Wibbs wrote: »

Nope no clue .

Me neither, I am with you there.

How can the likes of you or I understand this problem -its only a hypothetical "small man" issue to us.:cool:

midlandsmissus

Zulu wrote: »

Your probably right; I was thinking breast size myself, but fat is probably right.

No, I can't speak for all women here, but the most insulting thing you could say to me would be to call me manly

I think it goes the same either way: the most wounding insults are those that make you feel like you're not a real man/real woman.

CDfm

midlandsmissus wrote: »

No, I can't speak for all women here, but the most insulting thing you could say to me would be to call me manly

I think it goes the same either way: the most wounding insults are those that make you feel like you're not a real man/real woman.

In what way as in not feminine or just ugly.

I dont understand the context so you may need to spell it out.