Partner has deeply hurt me

LegacyUser

I posted in here before regrding a different problem and found the advice hugely
helpful so going to try here. I'm a 38 year old woman and have been seeing a man
who is 40 for the past year we both have good careers and we have been having
a wonderful time together, we have even planned to move in together. I have noticed
lately that he has become distant and finished it a couple of weeks ago, I have been
devastated and called him for an explanation, He simply said he wants to see
younger women, Now I cannot describe how hurt I am feeling I am very slim take
excellent care of myself and pride in my appearance, My sister in law saw him in
a restaurant with a 23-26 year old. I don't know what to do I feel as if my whole
world has come crashing down. It has really knocked my confidence.

Millie

What an incredibly hurtful and inconsiderate ass he is.

Just try and be strong and ask yourself is this the sort of man you would want to end up with.

Beruthiel

marionjane wrote: »

I My sister in law saw him in
a restaurant with a 23-26 year old.

Well that screams midlife crisis!
Honestly, this guy has just realised he ain't no spring chicken anymore and is in desperate need to prove to himself that he's still 'got it'. A bloke who was confident in his own skin would not need to behave like that. Nor would he need to prove anything to himself.
If he actually dumped you for that one and only reason then personally, I think you're well rid.
He doesn't deserve you. Someone that shallow is not a person you want in your life.

Do not allow this to hit your self confidence. There are plenty of men out there who would be thrilled to have you in their life.

Ickle Magoo

I agree with Beruthiel, if the only reason he broke things off is the wish to date women significantly younger than him then I'd say he's well on his way to a soft-top sports car and hair implants.

I know you're hurting but any man who is so insecure they think the age of their partner is the most important thing is a fool, a silly old fool and you are much better off without someone who thinks so little of you and your relationship that they can ditch you at the first sign of internal conflict.

Chin up & best of luck!

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Please try not to take it too personally. As other posters said this guy is obviously a total donkey who is not worth your time and effort. I know it's hard after spending a year with someone to just write them off as an asshole.. But in this case I think it's what you have to do..

Seriously how pathetic and needy must that guy be - he is obviously so into the status of dating a younger person, he is not considering people, personality, love etc. That guy is a serious loser - you should consider yourself very lucky you got away from him when you did and did not spend any more time with him..

If you could try to work it around in your head that this is actually a positive thing - you dodged a bullet and escaped being shackled in a living situation with this gombeen - then maybe it might get a bit easier for you.. You deserve someone who sees you for who you are, not for what age you are..

All the best

TitoPuente

I'll keep it short - you're better off without him and he doesn't deserve you.

LegacyUser

You see some men going out with younger women, and they have very happy relationships because they respect each other. Good for them.

Your ex boyfriend is a moron of the highest order though. You were an important person in his life, OP, and he treated you appallingly. He obviously has never learned to treat the important people in his life with respect. God help whatever young one he picks up, because he won't know how to treat her with respect either, and unfortunately she mightn't have the life skills to realise he's being a d*ck.

At least you got out now, with your dignity intact. Take time to grieve and take care of yourself

txt_mess

I think this more reflects on him then you.

Look at it this way you had a lucky escape from a guy who is obviously a bit shallow ( to say the least ) if he is only interested in dating younger women and not just dating someone the basis of who they are,

LegacyUser

He probably should've used a bit more tact but at least he was completely straightforward and honest so posters should think of that before they start calling him a 'moron', an 'inconsiderate ass' and a 'fool'. It's the way of the world, older men will always be more attracted to women in early to mid twenties. It doesn't mean he is shallow, its not like the OP was married to this guy for 15 years. They've been going out for only a year and he has decided he would prefer a relationship with a younger woman. What exactly did this guy do wrong because I fail to see it?

gandalf

I think you should feel lucky that this manifested itself before you made the commitment of moving in together. Take some time for yourself and ignore this guy and watch out in case he suddenly realises the mistake he made and comes back grovelling.

LegacyUser

honestdude123 wrote: »

He probably should've used a bit more tact but at least he was completely straightforward and honest so posters should think of that before they start calling him a 'moron', an 'inconsiderate ass' and a 'fool'. It's the way of the world, older men will always be more attracted to women in early to mid twenties. It doesn't mean he is shallow, its not like the OP was married to this guy for 15 years. They've been going out for only a year and he has decided he would prefer a relationship with a younger woman. What exactly did this guy do wrong because I fail to see it?

If you fail to see exactly what he did wrong, I'm afraid that says more about you than you probably think.. A year is a long enough time to have a significant attachment to someone and if he can just flitter that away because of an age thing then that's pretty pathetic..

If you don't get it, you don't get it

SarahSassy

Ah he is a tulip pet.... He is a silly boy if he gives up someone decent to chase the ideal of the 'younger woman'. I dont have an issue with age differences but there is a likelihood that whatever young one he finds will only be interested in him for one thing i.e. his money...

He was rude to tell you what he did but I guess he was not giving you any option to try to persuade him not to leave....

At least you know where you stand not and you are not still stuck with that disingenious idiot...

LegacyUser

marionjane wrote: »

I am very slim take excellent care of myself and pride in my appearance

Despite what they say, woman place much more emphasis on looks then men.
By wanting to date younger woman doesn't necessarily mean younger or better looking.

He could want to remain single and carefree for the next few years. You're 38 so you will probably want kids/marriage soon. So dating a younger woman gives him more carefree years.

Younger woman are younger and tend to be more interested in going out and experiencing new things, again this could be what he want. To live a younger lifestyle.

So the only negative you have is that you are older. Nothing to do with how you look or your personality. And that negativity is only in his eyes.

If he strung you along for a year knowing he wanted a younger woman. Then he did wrong. But if he only just came to that conclusion, he broke up with you, didn't cheap or disrespect your relationship. In fact you have to admire his honesty. A lot of men would have made up a waffle excuse or acted like a jerk until you dumped them.

LegacyUser

I don't know, but to be told by your boyfriend of a year that he wants to go out with younger women is way below the belt. If he'd said 'I don't want to go out with you because you're rude to my friends/never listen to me etc', at least they're things she could have done something about (if she wanted to). There's nothing the OP can do about her age, and in a society obsessed with young women, it's really hurtful.

I wonder how he would feel if she turned around to him and said 'Sorry but I only want to date men with big penises and wallets to match'.

Surely a man of forty could have been a bit more kinder when breaking up with his partner? Breaking up is awful as it is!

LegacyUser

What an absolute idiot your ex is OP.
What's the odds he comes crawling back to you when he realises younger women aren't necessarily 'all that' (with no disrespect to younger women!!)
You are well rid - if that was honestly the only reason he gave you for splitting up after a year, then you're well rid. My guess is he may have been seeing younger women already, towards the end of the relationship, or had this woman lined up already...sorry OP, it hurts I know, but you'll look back and realise you had a lucky escape.

Denimgirl

marionjane wrote: »

I posted in here before regrding a different problem and found the advice hugely
helpful so going to try here. I'm a 38 year old woman and have been seeing a man
who is 40 for the past year we both have good careers and we have been having
a wonderful time together, we have even planned to move in together. I have noticed
lately that he has become distant and finished it a couple of weeks ago, I have been
devastated and called him for an explanation, He simply said he wants to see
younger women, Now I cannot describe how hurt I am feeling I am very slim take
excellent care of myself and pride in my appearance, My sister in law saw him in
a restaurant with a 23-26 year old. I don't know what to do I feel as if my whole
world has come crashing down. It has really knocked my confidence.

This guy is a dick and there are lots of them out there,he said that to you to knock you down for you to feel bad about yourself personally men feel threatened by good looking powerful confident woman if a guy really thought that he would have said that to you believe on this one i;m not saying this to make you feel better it's a fact,he wanted to knock you down a peg or 2.Please don't listen to this dick head he was attracted to you coz the way looked but he can't handle you and maybe felt threatened!younger woman he can walk on and run rings around!he'll be the guy in his 50's with the sports car and the poledancer in the passenger seat trying to show everybody he's still got it!an old hasbeen!

LegacyUser

Denimgirl wrote: »

This guy is a dick and there are lots of them out there,he said that to you to knock you down for you to feel bad about yourself personally men feel threatened by good looking powerful confident woman if a guy really thought that he would have said that to you believe on this one i;m not saying this to make you feel better it's a fact,he wanted to knock you down a peg or 2.Please don't listen to this dick head he was attracted to you coz the way looked but he can't handle you and maybe felt threatened!younger woman he can walk on and run rings around!he'll be the guy in his 50's with the sports car and the poledancer in the passenger seat trying to show everybody he's still got it!an old hasbeen!

The relationship was finished and he walked away. She them called him and pushed him for a explaination. He did not set out to drag her down.
Men being threatened by good looking, powerful woman, is waffle. Spread by good looking, powerfu,l single woman. How did all these married, good looking, powerful woman get husbands if men are intimidated by them ?

How do you know he wasn't attracted to her personality or aspects of who she is ?

seenitall

dfgdfgdfgd wrote: »

The relationship was finished and he walked away. She them called him and pushed him for a explaination. He did not set out to drag her down.
Men being threatened by good looking, powerful woman, is waffle. Spread by good looking, powerfu,l single woman. How did all these married, good looking, powerful woman get husbands if men are intimidated by them ?

How do you know he wasn't attracted to her personality or aspects of who she is ?

No waffle.
Obviously, not all men are insecure enough to feel intimidated by confident women. Therefore some of these women do find husbands and boyfriends, difficult as it is to believe.

However, many men prefer the pliability of a youger woman. Everyone knows that confidence and self esteem are at their most fragile early in life (teens, twenties). Being with someone who is more eager to please you than to please themselves, and is looking for a validaton out of a relationship, makes life easier for men, and don't men just looooove to be comfortable?

(I hope I am not coming across as generalising. As far as I can see, this is true of many men, but maybe not most. My experience is that men on the whole are the more selfish and egotistical sex.)

OP, I hope you are moving on. Leave the ex to his ego-stroking twenty-somethings, he is certainly not worth another thought.

LegacyUser

maybe he wants to have kids, and needs someone younger for this?

LegacyUser

seenitall wrote: »

No waffle.
Obviously, not all men are insecure enough to feel intimidated by confident women. Therefore some of these women do find husbands and boyfriends, difficult as it is to believe.

However, many men prefer the pliability of a youger woman. Everyone knows that confidence and self esteem are at their most fragile early in life (teens, twenties). Being with someone who is more eager to please you than to please themselves, and is looking for a validaton out of a relationship, makes life easier for men, and don't men just looooove to be comfortable?

(I hope I am not coming across as generalising. As far as I can see, this is true of many men, but maybe not most. My experience is that men on the whole are the more selfish and egotistical sex.)

OP, I hope you are moving on. Leave the ex to his ego-stroking twenty-somethings, he is certainly not worth another thought.

Another reason why men might rather younger woman. They haven't become bitter and have a twisted view of men, based on a few bad experiences.

Denimgirl

seenitall wrote: »

No waffle.
Obviously, not all men are insecure enough to feel intimidated by confident women. Therefore some of these women do find husbands and boyfriends, difficult as it is to believe.

However, many men prefer the pliability of a youger woman. Everyone knows that confidence and self esteem are at their most fragile early in life (teens, twenties). Being with someone who is more eager to please you than to please themselves, and is looking for a validaton out of a relationship, makes life easier for men, and don't men just looooove to be comfortable?

(I hope I am not coming across as generalising. As far as I can see, this is true of many men, but maybe not most. My experience is that men on the whole are the more selfish and egotistical sex.)

OP, I hope you are moving on. Leave the ex to his ego-stroking twenty-somethings, he is certainly not worth another thought.

I totally agree,nit allmen are like that but there are men that are and he sounds like one of them! midlife crisies! hanging out with girls in early 20's what on earth would they have to talk about!ridiculous my dad is very like this guy he's not with my mam any more obviously but he still think he has it and it's so funny! but sad too!