GF's "Friend"

LegacyUser

So my GF has a "friend" for lack of a better word (my choice would be more vulgar). From the way he acted and less then subtle hints from others, pretty much knew he was interested since I first met him. Still no problem yet, said nothing.

Here is the problem as I see it:

When we were going through a bad patch, he was apparently according to a mutual friend saying some crap about myself. (Unfounded stuff). At the same time, he upped his ratio of txt's to herself.

A bit* too friendly around her when i'm around, hard to judge this one though I guess.

They went to dinner recently, as friends. He paid and asked herself not to tell me.

And the tipping point imo, he recently also decided to quite publicly declare his interest on a social networking site.

Talked to my GF about it, she said they would have a chat about it over coffee. Get him to quit it.

..Said id leave her to it, but bit of a tame response no? Imo he should be told in no unequivocal terms to get lost

LegacyUser

stand'up wrote: »

So my GF has a "friend" for lack of a better word (my choice would be more vulgar). From the way he acted and less then subtle hints from others, pretty much knew he was interested since I first met him. Still no problem yet, said nothing.

Here is the problem as I see it:

When we were going through a bad patch, he was apparently according to a mutual friend saying some crap about myself. (Unfounded stuff). At the same time, he upped his ratio of txt's to herself.

A bit* too friendly around her when i'm around, hard to judge this one though I guess.

They went to dinner recently, as friends. He paid and asked herself not to tell me.

And the tipping point imo, he recently also decided to quite publicly declare his interest on a social networking site.

Talked to my GF about it, she said they would have a chat about it over coffee. Get him to quit it.

..Said id leave her to it, but bit of a tame response no? Imo he should be told in no unequivocal terms to get lost

He nothing, some desperate guy trying it on with your girlfriend. That give him anymore power or show it bothers you by making a big deal out of it.
If anything try and make a joke out of it, "Ah I feel sorry for him, but I suppose I'll have to get used to guys like that if I'm going out with you, because you're so amazing"

He's a slime ball, the going to dinner and asking her not to tell you was an effort to cause trouble. Getting her to keep a secret from you and knowing that if she did tell you it would annoy you and casue a row between you.

He's nothing ignore him. It's not your girlfriends fault so don't blame anything on her. Just be the bigger man, you've already won. All he can do is try and cause trouble. She'll soon wise up to him and tell him to piss off.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I would agree with you there, your gf is WAY out of line. Sounds to me like your gf is getting an ego boost from this guy. If the same situation happened to me I would be telling the friend to cop the hell on or I wouldn't see him again. I would do this out of respect for my boyfriend. I would not want my bf getting hurt, confused, suspicious and upset and let's be honest you'd need to be a saint not to be. If I were you I'd be reading the riot act but maybe that's not helpful. Perhaps you have a close female friend who could show your girlfriend what it's like? A friend from college or work perhaps? Maybe turn the tables to see if it's acceptable for you to act the way she has. Granted it's a bit of game playing but it would be very enlightening I'd say.

To be completely honest with you here though if my OH expected me to put up with that kind of **** I would consider it a lucky escape and dump him. It's cruel, shallow and just plain sad to be so in need of an ego boost that you allow your friend to treat the person you love with such mammoth disprespect. The fact that your OH considers this behaviour ok boggles my mind. I mean it's one this to be flirty and friendly it's quite another to go on a date and let that guy announce to the world via internet that he wants you, never mind the fact that he spread lies about you. Honestly it doesn't say anything good about your gf's character.

Trashbat

I think this really is an issue of trust between you and your GF. If you cannot trust her than that is a bigger problem for the relationship than the intentions of this friend.
Similarly if you can trust her fully, then the friend shouldn't be a worry.

You really need to express these feelings in full to your GF and let her deal with it as best as possible. I certainly wouldn't advocate storming in there screaming "get off my Kool-Ade...." or anyhting, that'd make things alot worse and give him ammo to say bad things about you.

It is very frustrating when a friend of your OH is undermining the relationship, regardless of the motivations behind it. I've been there and the main thing is to act as maturely as possible, its the only way to ensure you come off well out of it.

LegacyUser

If my bf accepted that sort of behaviour from a female friend I'd tell him in very short order to abandon their 'friendship' or fukoff himself. You've every right to expect more from your girlfriend than this.

LegacyUser

that kind of carry on is totally unacceptable OP. If i were you id be making this crystal clear to your girlfriend. Shes getting a big ego boost out of him at the expense of your feelings. Personally i would dump a girl like that....sounds like a headwrecker....but if its not her character to be like that....then set it out clearly for her. Cop on or im gone...

Theres plenty of girls around who wont mess with your head like that....dont settle for less.....its entirely her fault....not the others guys...

seenitall

unregistered99 wrote: »

that kind of carry on is totally unacceptable OP. If i were you id be making this crystal clear to your girlfriend. Shes getting a big ego boost out of him at the expense of your feelings. Personally i would dump a girl like that....sounds like a headwrecker....but if its not her character to be like that....then set it out clearly for her. Cop on or im gone...

Theres plenty of girls around who wont mess with your head like that....dont settle for less.....its entirely her fault....not the others guys...

I agree that she is acting inappropriately for accepting this guy's attentions, however saying that the situation is entirely her fault is very hypocritical. So, nothing at all wrong with a guy making a blatant play for someone who is attached and sees him as a friend (therefore a bit more difficult to just tell him to f-off)? Really???

Well, good luck with that attached friend you fancy, unregistered99...

LegacyUser

seenitall wrote: »

I agree that she is acting inappropriately for accepting this guy's attentions, however saying that the situation is entirely her fault is very hypocritical. So, nothing at all wrong with a guy making a blatant play for someone who is attached and sees him as a friend (therefore a bit more difficult to just tell him to f-off)? Really???

Well, good luck with that attached friend you fancy, unregistered99...

I should have made myself clearer. I dont mean to say that your man is not at fault here. Of course he should not be doing what he is doing.

However it is the OPs girlfriends responsibility to deal with the situation. If she respected the OPs feelings and cared for him and didnt need the ego boost she would not have put up with his carry on. She certainly would not have gone for dinner with him knowing his motive behind it. There will ALWAYS be guys who will hit on a girl who is taken and its up to the GF to deal with it. In that sense she is very much at fault here because she and not the other guy has allowed this situation to progress to an unnacceptable level.

This is what trust is all about. I trust my girlfriend because i know that in a situation
similar to this she would tell that guy where to go and would cease being friends with him. I wouldnt have to say anything. Thats whats missing from her behaviour here OP. I hope you guys can work it out. It could be the case that your GF means well but doesnt have the assertiveness to make things clear to your man.

Good luck OP

kjl

Don't worry about it, she is probably tying to be nice, but will never cross a line. Let the guy crash and burn, which it sounds like he will.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies,

Pretty livid at the moment. My GF was txting him about meeting up and his replies were, lets say borderline.

Course he is saying it was all a joke now, which I predicted from a mile off..yet she is lapping it up by the sounds of it. Say's she will deal with it in a few weeks after some important stuff.

I fail to see the funny side in all of it.

unclecessna

It definitely sounds like your girlfriend is getting a thrill out of this guys efforts and even if she has no real intentions whatsoever to go there with him it's frankly just rude and disrespectful to you. She needs to just cop-on and stop it.

Similar thing happened to me several years ago with my girlfriend at that time - she was working in a shop and some dude kept going in and laying it on thick with her every day even after she said she was attached, I have to admit that my girlfriend was quite a naive person and didn't fully realize that the guy was such a bullsh1t artist (my best friend worked in the shop too so he gave me the low down on him). Even after she said she had a boyfriend he had the cheek to ask her out on a date yet again and said that I could come along as well....!!! :rolleyes:

After hearing that one I read her the riot act right then and there and the dude became a distant memory very sharply. Some people might say I was just being insecure - I see it as not letting myself be messed around and treated like a chump.

I don't think that you should be either OP.

Beruthiel

stand'up wrote: »

Pretty livid at the moment.

I'm curious, have you discussed any of this with your g/f?

sbsquarepants

I have to say, i wouldn't stand for it. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms to back the f'uck off. Was in a very similar situation a few years back and i'm still feeling the effects of rumours etc this so called friend spread to advance his own cause. One of my big regrets is not acting sooner, i eventually told him where to go after maybe 9 or 10 months of biting my lip, but by then a lot of damage had been done (he was a particularly slimy, devious waste of dna) My advice is nip it in the bud now - whatever it takes, tell her to choose and be prepared to live with her answer either way, but this kind of thing is like a cancer in a relationship, you need to get rid of it straight away, one way or the other.

ilovetosing

unclecessna wrote: »

It definitely sounds like your girlfriend is getting a thrill out of this guys efforts and even if she has no real intentions whatsoever to go there with him it's frankly just rude and disrespectful to you. She needs to just cop-on and stop it.

Similar thing happened to me several years ago with my girlfriend at that time - she was working in a shop and some dude kept going in and laying it on thick with her every day even after she said she was attached, I have to admit that my girlfriend was quite a naive person and didn't fully realize that the guy was such a bullsh1t artist (my best friend worked in the shop too so he gave me the low down on him). Even after she said she had a boyfriend he had the cheek to ask her out on a date yet again and said that I could come along as well....!!! :rolleyes:

After hearing that one I read her the riot act right then and there and the dude became a distant memory very sharply. Some people might say I was just being insecure - I see it as not letting myself be messed around and treated like a chump.

I don't think that you should be either OP.

+1 this is the only way you can deal with this one OP because your GF is disrespecting you and she knows this guys intentions and she knows you know that and yet she continues to disrespect your feelings! Its bang out of order imo and I like uncle I would have laid down the law right at the start of it and if she didn't agree then C ya....

LegacyUser

ilovetosing wrote: »

+1 this is the only way you can deal with this one OP because your GF is disrespecting you and she knows this guys intentions and she knows you know that and yet she continues to disrespect your feelings! Its bang out of order imo and I like uncle I would have laid down the law right at the start of it and if she didn't agree then C ya....

OP like the other posters have said you need to nip this in the bud bigtime. If you let this one go now she will think that sort of carry on is acceptable in your relationship.
If you have made it clear to her your feelings on the matter and shes done nothing then personally i would be walking....

You need to be assertive with her...tell her to cut the crap or your gone...
The time for gentle suggestions is long gone...

She can get all the validation she wants once your gone...

And your right OP, theres nothing funny about it....she obviously sees you as a little bit of a pushover.....change that

The Lovely Muffin

What age's are the three of you? And how many (if any) serious relationship has your g/f had before you?

I have never had a relationship and even I can tell you your girlfriend and her 'friend' are way, way out of line!

If I had an OH and he expected me to put up with guff like that, I'd rapidly tell him where to go. I also wouldn't put up with such behaviour from either myself or any of my friends.

No-one, absolutely no one should (have to) put up with such disrespecting behaviour.

If I were you OP, I'd tell your g/f straight out to put a stop to this behaviour/friendship or the relationship is finished.

Also, as you've made it clear to your g/f before and she knows what you think/how you feel about this behaviour, I'd nearly not bother giving her a choice of stopping the behaviour, I'd dump her now!

You've given her (a) chance(s) and she (I assume) hasn't used those chance(s) to speak to her 'friend'?

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

whatsamsn

Op,
we dont do anything that will cause our partners to be uncomfortable in relationships. But thats only if we really care.

Tell her to stop being friends with him or thats it. Thats not an unfair ultimatum. Its the way things are now from how she could of handled it. But i'm sure she will think it is.

Op, you are threading in dangerous waters here. These are the character traits of someone you DO NOT want to be with. The last thing people should do is to get involved with someone who will not "shun" the clear intentions of members of the opposite sex while they are meant to be in a relationship with you.
She says this man is a friend. Ok. Whats to say it wont be a stranger next time? ... "oh he is my friend too"

This is a clear breach of trust. Op, even if you sort out this situation now. This is something that will happen again. .. or its a damn obvious statement about just how much she is into you.

LegacyUser

Hey, Op again. Thanks all for your replies.

In our twenties. GF talked to him about it and seemed to believe he was joking, although said it was still inappropriate. After this we had a serious talk and I made it fully clear that I was not backing down on this one.

She was not happy at first, but backed down pretty sharpish after a few minutes and changed her tone. Said she will let him know in person that he is not to contact her anymore.

Any hint of her bending on the above, and ill be gone like the flash. One positive thing id say in her favor, she did tell me everything as they happened rather then afterwards.

unclecessna

stand'up wrote: »

Hey, Op again. Thanks all for your replies.

In our twenties. GF talked to him about it and seemed to believe he was joking, although said it was still inappropriate. After this we had a serious talk and I made it fully clear that I was not backing down on this one.

She was not happy at first, but backed down pretty sharpish after a few minutes and changed her tone. Said she will let him know in person that he is not to contact her anymore.

Any hint of her bending on the above, and ill be gone like the flash. One positive thing id say in her favor, she did tell me everything as they happened rather then afterwards.

Well that is good that you talked to her about it and did not back down on the issue, you were well within your rights to do so - well done.

My only concern is why exactly does she need to see him in person again to tell him their ''friendship'' is over - would a text message not have sufficed? I'd say it would be just giving this guy another occasion to undermine you with her to be honest.

As for her being upfront about hanging out with this guy I think this is a slight cop-out to some extent. The way I read that is she knew that seeing him on what was for all intents and purposes a date that she was breaching your trust so by telling you in advance she was just covering her ass should you have found out by other means.
Now I may well be wrong on this of course but from my reading of everything that you have said that would be my conclusion.

Best of luck.

magneticimpulse

OP your totally over reacting here!! Fact of the matter is she is your girlfriend and she is dating you, not him. My ex ....and yes I say "ex" had a problem with my guy friends. Afterwards I found out one of my guy friends was gay and since my ex actually suggested (while we were slowly breaking up) I date a "friend" of mine, 1 year later I actually asked that friend out...and you know what, nothing happened. My male friend was always chatting to me and even years ago said he fancied me, but now that there is no problem to date, we have not "hit" it off. We are still just friends. I realise, neither of us want to date each other, otherwise we would have got together years ago.

My advice, chill out, trust your girlfriend. Get yourself some more friends and stop getting nervous about her having friends of the opposite sex. In this day in age it is normal and healthy. If she wanted to be with him, they would have hit it off years ago. If you make an issue out of this, you will just lose her and the likely hood is that she will never ever date this guy. They are just friends. He prob hasnt had sex in a while and is flirthing with her as he knows its not going to go anywhere. I flirt all the time with my guy friends who have girlfriends, as they are as good as gay to me. I know they love their girlfriends and it means nothing.

whatsamsn

magneticimpulse, First off I hate going against what another user says on here. Because its all our own opinions. But I think you are getting the wrong end of the stick here.

You seem to be basing your advice on an experience you had which has not got alot relevance to do with the subject matter at hand. As for your subject matter with your ex. He had a problem with your guys friends - Maybe he was the jealous type, non-trusting or something else. I'm pretty sure you know the answer to that.

As for the Op in question its pretty much proven that this friend of his girlfriend is crossing a line and way out of order. In turn his girlfriend's behaviour/actions towards it is making him "uncomfortable" (uncomfortable being the nice word to use. Unacceptable being the real word to use)

Again, sorry if I come off as undermiming your comment. I'm not. Your advice weighs as much as the next person. Just that its not really the same situation as the Op's.

unclecessna wrote: »

...The way I read that is she knew that seeing him on what was for all intents and purposes a date that she was breaching your trust so by telling you in advance she was just covering her ass should you have found out by other means...

I would agree with this. Even if it is not the case she still accepted his behavior. To see nothing wrong with it.

You must ask yourself OP, if the shoe was on the other foot would she be so comfortable with it? .... Would she accept it and not let it bother her?
Within there holds the answer. Op what I am trying to say is if we step back and look what happens in a relationship, the majority of times we can read how things will work out. Step back and read what you see.

magneticimpulse

whatsamsn wrote: »

magneticimpulse, First off I hate going against what another user says on here. Because its all our own opinions. But I think you are getting the wrong end of the stick here.

You seem to be basing your advice on an experience you had which has not got alot relevance to do with the subject matter at hand. As for your subject matter with your ex. He had a problem with your guys friends - Maybe he was the jealous type, non-trusting or something else. I'm pretty sure you know the answer to that.

As for the Op in question its pretty much proven that this friend of his girlfriend is crossing a line and way out of order. In turn his girlfriend's behaviour/actions towards it is making him "uncomfortable" (uncomfortable being the nice word to use. Unacceptable being the real word to use)

Again, sorry if I come off as undermiming your comment. I'm not. Your advice weighs as much as the next person. Just that its not really the same situation as the Op's.




I would agree with this. Even if it is not the case she still accepted his behavior. To see nothing wrong with it.

You must ask yourself OP, if the shoe was on the other foot would she be so comfortable with it? .... Would she accept it and not let it bother her?
Within there holds the answer. Op what I am trying to say is if we step back and look what happens in a relationship, the majority of times we can read how things will work out. Step back and read what you see.

Yes you very clearly got my message wrong. The OP is clearly over reacting here. Did the guy friend have sex with his girlfriend? Snog her? So far I didnt see any of that mentioned, so its clearly in his head and he is coming across as the jealous type. Yes it is exactly the same experience as mine...boyfriend becoming overly jealous over male friend...very simple

whatsamsn

Your argument seems to be that nothing has happened - Sex, kissing etc. But ignoring the aspect that this behaviour is not meant to / allowed to be uncomfortable to the op.

Upon reading your last comment I feel your previous experience was more close to the OP's than I originally thought. The vast majority of these posts (them being minus the Ops, yours and mine) all argree that the friend and girlfriend is out of line.

Personally, and i dont mean to start anything :P
I think you are letting your own experience cloud your mind. I am willing to bet, as most would reading this, you would not accept the OP's situation from any partner you may have (present or future)

Sounds like you are justifying your own previous experiences, which are your own business, weather you were in the right or wrong. But exporting them onto the issue at hand.

magneticimpulse

whatsamsn wrote: »

Your argument seems to be that nothing has happened - Sex, kissing etc. But ignoring the aspect that this behaviour is not meant to / allowed to be uncomfortable to the op.

Upon reading your last comment I feel your previous experience was more close to the OP's than I originally thought. The vast majority of these posts (them being minus the Ops, yours and mine) all argree that the friend and girlfriend is out of line.

Personally, and i dont mean to start anything :P
I think you are letting your own experience cloud your mind. I am willing to bet, as most would reading this, you would not accept the OP's situation from any partner you may have (present or future)

Sounds like you are justifying your own previous experiences, which are your own business, weather you were in the right or wrong. But exporting them onto the issue at hand.

Oh what, so everybody is basing their opinions on the land of aliens? Im sorry but my head is very much not clouded. I did not see sex or snogging or friends telling the OP that they saw his girlfriend having sex or snogging. All the men I went out with had female friends. Yes you are completely underminding my opinion for whatever reason. I clearly stand by, it is very healthy for men to have female friends and for women to have male friends. Look if the OPs girlfriend fancied (nothing to do with my experience) the friend, she would be dating him. Its very simple! The OPs girlfriend clearly does not have an interest in her friend, otherwise she would have gone with him years ago.

Maybe your mind is clouding your opinion, you seem to want to tell me what I should be thinking or tell me im wrong!! Im sorry but he is over reacting and jealous for no reason.

whatsamsn

Ok. I'll take your advice on board.

so... what you have just said it is ok to date someone, and one of their opposite sex friends to (as the op said - not my words) to always be flirting with your partner, speak unfounded negitive things about yourself, up their texts when a fight happened, say to the world that they fancy your partner, goto dinner with your partner and for the friend to say to not tell you/keep it a secret.


Just so we are clear. Thats what you mean right? ... and that the Op is over-reacting. That this is standard.

I would really apprecaite your response on this.

unclecessna

I can see where ''magneticimpulse'' is coming from in terms of it not being good to be jealous of one's partners friends. But I think the OP's situation is a different one to that.

The devil is in the detail, although the ''friend'' may not have kissed the girl yet he is pretty much paving his way to this goal by taking the clever/devious route and trying to sabotage her and the OP's relationship.

This guy is just taking it way too far for it to be just an innocent flirtation.

Badmothing the OP to his girlfriend, large number of texts to a girl who is already taken, dinner date with the same girl that he also wants to be kept a secret, declaring his interest publically to the girl on her social networking site etc.

He just sounds like a complete slither - I've known people like this unfortunately so I recognize the patterns. They get a thrill out of manipulating situations as it gives them a sense of power over others and they enjoy the drama.

Unfortunately the girl seems to be buying into this.

Reading everything that the OP has written that is the picture that presents itself to me at least.

The bottom line is the guys behaviour is negatively affecting their relationship and the OP has the right to be dissatisfied and call them on it.

magneticimpulse

I think people in relationships need space and time to breathe from the other person. If that is spending it with a male or female friend...going to dinner is fine. I have not seen anything wrong.

So the male friend is a flirt...the OPs girlfriend is going to respond to it or she will ignore it. So far I see that the OP is not trusting his girlfriend, undermining her and is becoming jealous...its a cake or death situation...he goes or I go. Which is totally unfair. You can never demand or order people who their friends are.

If the OP fancied the guy, she would have dumped the OP. She is still dating the OP, therefore she obvisously at this moment and time doesnt fancy her friend. Only time will tell what the outcome is. But what is the OP to do? He certainly cant demand who she ditches or keeps as a friend?

Obvisously you are totally against my personal experience...but yes ive had many experiences which were very good of having male friends and my boyfriends having female friends. I dont want to go into detail as its not about me, its about OP.

whatsamsn

Good post. However,
you still didnt answer what I said in my last post.... You just dodged the question. Just adding thoughts, but straying away from the thing that matters the most. That being what is acceptable.

whatsamsn wrote: »

Ok. I'll take your advice on board.

so... what you have just said it is ok to date someone, and one of their opposite sex friends to (as the op said - not my words) to always be flirting with your partner, speak unfounded negitive things about yourself, up their texts when a fight happened, say to the world that they fancy your partner, goto dinner with your partner and for the friend to say to not tell you/keep it a secret.


Just so we are clear. Thats what you mean right? ... and that the Op is over-reacting. That this is standard.

I would really apprecaite your response on this.

Is this in your own mind acceptable?

magneticimpulse

I did reply to it and I gave an answer!!! Yes its perfectly fine. Because relationships are based on trust. You have to have trust in your other half!!! If you are in a loving relationship, you know that you can trust your other half. In all relationships there are times when a member of the other sex (man or woman etc) will flirt with one or other party. Its how the other half goes about things that is important. If a relationship is meant to work, it will work out by itself. Its certainly not going to be better if the OP demands she loses contact with a friend she (so far has never even snogged or had sex with).

In this situation, the girlfriend has not made a move on her friend (despite him flirt). Therefore the OP clearly has no trust in her, is jealous and is over reacting.

How many times to I have to repeat myself?

whatsamsn

For anyone reading the above comments.

I rest my case. Thats all that needs to be added

LegacyUser

OP here,

Hey again, just a lil update. Well she did it in person, eventually. Told him they could not talk anymore.

Course afterwards, for reasons I can't understand we had a blow out. She was angry at me for pushing her into it, "bullying" her and been insecure yada yada etc. Had it out for a bit, and she eventually relented it was the right thing to do.

I was not best pleased how it all played out though, she took her sweet time and had to be convinced twice, not to mention having a go at myself. While it is difficult to condense the argument, in summary she needed time to think about it and was busy. Or in her words, "consider my options".

Haha, very considerate of her? She claims the guy has no interest in her I should note.

PK2008

Are you sure she told him OP?

unclecessna

She's sore because she is not having everything go her own way anymore by you calling her on the situation and making her choose.

Sounds like she wanted to have her cake and eat it as well, I have to be honest OP she hasn't treated you with much in the way of respect or understanding by not even trying much to look at things from your point of view....she dosen't sound like a very nice person.

The other guy was trying to worm his way in and she was loving the attention from having two guys wanting her.

Going back to my experience when I put it to my girlfriend how would she feel if another girl was chasing and dating me at the same time - she freely admitted she would be very p1ssed and dissapointed about it and appologised.

Wagon

stand'up wrote: »

OP here,

Hey again, just a lil update. Well she did it in person, eventually. Told him they could not talk anymore.

Course afterwards, for reasons I can't understand we had a blow out. She was angry at me for pushing her into it, "bullying" her and been insecure yada yada etc. Had it out for a bit, and she eventually relented it was the right thing to do.

She misses someone chasing after her.

I was not best pleased how it all played out though, she took her sweet time and had to be convinced twice, not to mention having a go at myself. While it is difficult to condense the argument, in summary she needed time to think about it and was busy. Or in her words, "consider my options".

What options? I mean, she's going out with you, and then some spa posing as a "friend" is constantly trying to get stuck in and telling her not to tell you. He isn't a friend, a friend doesnt do that. She knows this too.

Haha, very considerate of her? She claims the guy has no interest in her I should note.

My hole. She's either very slow or just plain lying. I dunno mate, maybe just let it be for now but keep an eye out for any warning signs and first sign of trouble, use the door.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

She misses someone chasing after her.

What options? I mean, she's going out with you, and then some spa posing as a "friend" is constantly trying to get stuck in and telling her not to tell you. He isn't a friend, a friend doesnt do that. She knows this too.

My hole. She's either very slow or just plain lying. I dunno mate, maybe just let it be for now but keep an eye out for any warning signs and first sign of trouble, use the door.

Ive been keeping a close eye on this one.

Completely agree with the above poster. Watch her. Its never too late to get out.

LegacyUser

Well a lil update, most likely a final one at that.

She threw her toys out of the pram about the whole thing again, came out fighting with tbh a load of rubbish about been pressurising and her having a busier life (simply not true..). Said the issue was none of my business, she could do as she likes and she did not really give a fcuk what I thought, and if I went against her on it, she would dump my insecure ass. She even changed her mind on the guy..Cause he obviously was not hitting on her ever.

Went as far as to saying she would be very busy for the next few days, so not to bother her! (Though she of course still found time to go out with friends, incl this guy I can see by facebook).

Well I got the message.

Only question now is, do I bother going about the break up politely, or as she is so “busy”, would a short phone call to the extent of “don’t contact me again” suffice..?

unclecessna

Do whatever feels right to you OP,

She has been treating you like dirt and my guess on how this is going to pan out is she will end up alone. More than likely with a guy like this one who will not quit on hitting on an attached person - he will more than likely lose interest when the thrill of the chase ends when she becomes a free agent.

MsHolloway

My advice would be not to bother, now I know that is far easier said than done, but she doesn't deserve it quite honestly.

Op, just get on with your life and when she gets back in contact - which I'm almost 100% certain she will ( if she is the type of girl that works off of attention) then calmly tell her that you'll be busy for the rest of your life so she shouldn't bother getting in touch again.

I have a feeling she is hoping her "putting you in your place" will have you crawling back to her saying sorry while she gets to have her cake and eat it. Honestly the biggest kick up her arse is not to even bother with any contact.

Just my 2 cents

p.s try to avoid looking her up on facebook, in fact I'd even suggest just deleting her and getting on with your life

stand'up

stand'up wrote: »

Well a lil update, most likely a final one at that.

She threw her toys out of the pram about the whole thing again, came out fighting with tbh a load of rubbish about been pressurising and her having a busier life (simply not true..). Said the issue was none of my business, she could do as she likes and she did not really give a fcuk what I thought, and if I went against her on it, she would dump my insecure ass. She even changed her mind on the guy..Cause he obviously was not hitting on her ever.

Went as far as to saying she would be very busy for the next few days, so not to bother her! (Though she of course still found time to go out with friends, incl this guy I can see by facebook).

Well I got the message.

Only question now is, do I bother going about the break up politely, or as she is so “busy”, would a short phone call to the extent of “don’t contact me again” suffice..?

Dump her. And don't worry about being harsh. Don't even be considerate of how you do it because she hasn't been at all considerate of you. She only deserves a respectful break up if she was respectful to you throughout the relationship, which she hasn't been.

She doesn't deserve you. It's not insecure to be annoyed about this. She's the one who's so insecure that she needs attention from more than one bloke. And you should mention that as a retort to her calling you insecure. Her arguments are pretty unintelligent so you definitely want to get that in.

It's not a case of this testing your trust. Those who say that "relationships are based on trust so he should just accept it" are plain and simple...morons. I would trust a girl tp be friends with another bloke, if you can't then you have problems, but I'd also trust her to nip that sort of thing in the bud if the other fella acted up. Same way I'd expect myself not to allow inappropriate behaviour out of pure respect for my OH. It's up to her to establish boundaries and let him know that there are lines that he cannot cross. If you got annoyed at her after that then it's your problem. But she hasn't done this, in fact, she seems to have encouraged it. This shows a complete and utter lack of respect for you. And that should be an absolute cast iron deal breaker.

She's acted liek a spoilt child who wants everything her way.

Move on to a better girl who will act like a grown up and let her go off and repeat this cycle with the next guy and the guy after that.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

Just a warning for anyone who turns a blind eye in a relationship..

I did, turns out they were txting each other allot, as in more then we did, including late night txts and I know of one instance at least where she sent the same message to the two of us. Before the end, I saw a picture of her holding a strangers hand, which was later deleted.

In the end, she shrugged it all off, said I was not a "real" guy and was insecure. We finished, she laughed.

Few regrets thought, think I have learned a few valuable lessons. That relationship was over a long time ago, I just never manned up.

whatsamsn

Dont worry man
it means you were a nice guy in the relationship. You gave her a chance. The benefit of the doubt. You went against yourself. You tried.

Clearly she is a w*nker. Harsh words. But accurate words.
And her calling you "insecure" is the usual reply. Even when guilty most people shift blame. 99.9% of people out there are never guilty when they do something. They'll always justify.

Most of us have been where you are right now. Even I too. Another bloke on the scene and there is more to it than friendship. But when you know somethings not right and question suddenly you are the one insecure and what not. Its the tell tale sign of thinking you are in a relationship but truth be known .. its not. its a sign your being used.


Dont worry mate. Learn from this. maybe you'll come to the following conclusion most people have after bad experiences such as this.... :
Realise that ... just because you are with someone doesnt mean you should trust them, to give blind 100% trust.
I believe "trust" is a word thrown around too much these days. When you "trust" someone, lets be honest, basically you give them the benefit of the doubt that they will be loyal and honest. In reality you should only "trust" them when you have no reason to not trust them, aka nothing going on.

However, when someone is up to something what is trust? .. trust is nothing but a word. Age old saying "look at someones actions, not what they say"

Jist is, dont trust anyone. Only trust your gut. Even if you're with a girl for 6 months or 6 years. Your gut will say nothing is up or something is.


sorry for the rant :P But chin up. Its just another example about how people can be a**holes. Sadly, we'll all been there. All I can say is if she tries to ever contact you again. Dont even entertain her. Make my words she'll try to twist the events of what went on even further.