GF's "Friend"

LegacyUser

So my GF has a "friend" for lack of a better word (my choice would be more vulgar). From the way he acted and less then subtle hints from others, pretty much knew he was interested since I first met him. Still no problem yet, said nothing.

Here is the problem as I see it:

When we were going through a bad patch, he was apparently according to a mutual friend saying some crap about myself. (Unfounded stuff). At the same time, he upped his ratio of txt's to herself.

A bit* too friendly around her when i'm around, hard to judge this one though I guess.

They went to dinner recently, as friends. He paid and asked herself not to tell me.

And the tipping point imo, he recently also decided to quite publicly declare his interest on a social networking site.

Talked to my GF about it, she said they would have a chat about it over coffee. Get him to quit it.

..Said id leave her to it, but bit of a tame response no? Imo he should be told in no unequivocal terms to get lost

LegacyUser

stand'up wrote: »

So my GF has a "friend" for lack of a better word (my choice would be more vulgar). From the way he acted and less then subtle hints from others, pretty much knew he was interested since I first met him. Still no problem yet, said nothing.

Here is the problem as I see it:

When we were going through a bad patch, he was apparently according to a mutual friend saying some crap about myself. (Unfounded stuff). At the same time, he upped his ratio of txt's to herself.

A bit* too friendly around her when i'm around, hard to judge this one though I guess.

They went to dinner recently, as friends. He paid and asked herself not to tell me.

And the tipping point imo, he recently also decided to quite publicly declare his interest on a social networking site.

Talked to my GF about it, she said they would have a chat about it over coffee. Get him to quit it.

..Said id leave her to it, but bit of a tame response no? Imo he should be told in no unequivocal terms to get lost

He nothing, some desperate guy trying it on with your girlfriend. That give him anymore power or show it bothers you by making a big deal out of it.
If anything try and make a joke out of it, "Ah I feel sorry for him, but I suppose I'll have to get used to guys like that if I'm going out with you, because you're so amazing"

He's a slime ball, the going to dinner and asking her not to tell you was an effort to cause trouble. Getting her to keep a secret from you and knowing that if she did tell you it would annoy you and casue a row between you.

He's nothing ignore him. It's not your girlfriends fault so don't blame anything on her. Just be the bigger man, you've already won. All he can do is try and cause trouble. She'll soon wise up to him and tell him to piss off.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I would agree with you there, your gf is WAY out of line. Sounds to me like your gf is getting an ego boost from this guy. If the same situation happened to me I would be telling the friend to cop the hell on or I wouldn't see him again. I would do this out of respect for my boyfriend. I would not want my bf getting hurt, confused, suspicious and upset and let's be honest you'd need to be a saint not to be. If I were you I'd be reading the riot act but maybe that's not helpful. Perhaps you have a close female friend who could show your girlfriend what it's like? A friend from college or work perhaps? Maybe turn the tables to see if it's acceptable for you to act the way she has. Granted it's a bit of game playing but it would be very enlightening I'd say.

To be completely honest with you here though if my OH expected me to put up with that kind of **** I would consider it a lucky escape and dump him. It's cruel, shallow and just plain sad to be so in need of an ego boost that you allow your friend to treat the person you love with such mammoth disprespect. The fact that your OH considers this behaviour ok boggles my mind. I mean it's one this to be flirty and friendly it's quite another to go on a date and let that guy announce to the world via internet that he wants you, never mind the fact that he spread lies about you. Honestly it doesn't say anything good about your gf's character.

Trashbat

I think this really is an issue of trust between you and your GF. If you cannot trust her than that is a bigger problem for the relationship than the intentions of this friend.
Similarly if you can trust her fully, then the friend shouldn't be a worry.

You really need to express these feelings in full to your GF and let her deal with it as best as possible. I certainly wouldn't advocate storming in there screaming "get off my Kool-Ade...." or anyhting, that'd make things alot worse and give him ammo to say bad things about you.

It is very frustrating when a friend of your OH is undermining the relationship, regardless of the motivations behind it. I've been there and the main thing is to act as maturely as possible, its the only way to ensure you come off well out of it.

LegacyUser

If my bf accepted that sort of behaviour from a female friend I'd tell him in very short order to abandon their 'friendship' or fukoff himself. You've every right to expect more from your girlfriend than this.

LegacyUser

that kind of carry on is totally unacceptable OP. If i were you id be making this crystal clear to your girlfriend. Shes getting a big ego boost out of him at the expense of your feelings. Personally i would dump a girl like that....sounds like a headwrecker....but if its not her character to be like that....then set it out clearly for her. Cop on or im gone...

Theres plenty of girls around who wont mess with your head like that....dont settle for less.....its entirely her fault....not the others guys...

seenitall

unregistered99 wrote: »

that kind of carry on is totally unacceptable OP. If i were you id be making this crystal clear to your girlfriend. Shes getting a big ego boost out of him at the expense of your feelings. Personally i would dump a girl like that....sounds like a headwrecker....but if its not her character to be like that....then set it out clearly for her. Cop on or im gone...

Theres plenty of girls around who wont mess with your head like that....dont settle for less.....its entirely her fault....not the others guys...

I agree that she is acting inappropriately for accepting this guy's attentions, however saying that the situation is entirely her fault is very hypocritical. So, nothing at all wrong with a guy making a blatant play for someone who is attached and sees him as a friend (therefore a bit more difficult to just tell him to f-off)? Really???

Well, good luck with that attached friend you fancy, unregistered99...

LegacyUser

seenitall wrote: »

I agree that she is acting inappropriately for accepting this guy's attentions, however saying that the situation is entirely her fault is very hypocritical. So, nothing at all wrong with a guy making a blatant play for someone who is attached and sees him as a friend (therefore a bit more difficult to just tell him to f-off)? Really???

Well, good luck with that attached friend you fancy, unregistered99...

I should have made myself clearer. I dont mean to say that your man is not at fault here. Of course he should not be doing what he is doing.

However it is the OPs girlfriends responsibility to deal with the situation. If she respected the OPs feelings and cared for him and didnt need the ego boost she would not have put up with his carry on. She certainly would not have gone for dinner with him knowing his motive behind it. There will ALWAYS be guys who will hit on a girl who is taken and its up to the GF to deal with it. In that sense she is very much at fault here because she and not the other guy has allowed this situation to progress to an unnacceptable level.

This is what trust is all about. I trust my girlfriend because i know that in a situation
similar to this she would tell that guy where to go and would cease being friends with him. I wouldnt have to say anything. Thats whats missing from her behaviour here OP. I hope you guys can work it out. It could be the case that your GF means well but doesnt have the assertiveness to make things clear to your man.

Good luck OP

kjl

Don't worry about it, she is probably tying to be nice, but will never cross a line. Let the guy crash and burn, which it sounds like he will.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies,

Pretty livid at the moment. My GF was txting him about meeting up and his replies were, lets say borderline.

Course he is saying it was all a joke now, which I predicted from a mile off..yet she is lapping it up by the sounds of it. Say's she will deal with it in a few weeks after some important stuff.

I fail to see the funny side in all of it.

unclecessna

It definitely sounds like your girlfriend is getting a thrill out of this guys efforts and even if she has no real intentions whatsoever to go there with him it's frankly just rude and disrespectful to you. She needs to just cop-on and stop it.

Similar thing happened to me several years ago with my girlfriend at that time - she was working in a shop and some dude kept going in and laying it on thick with her every day even after she said she was attached, I have to admit that my girlfriend was quite a naive person and didn't fully realize that the guy was such a bullsh1t artist (my best friend worked in the shop too so he gave me the low down on him). Even after she said she had a boyfriend he had the cheek to ask her out on a date yet again and said that I could come along as well....!!! :rolleyes:

After hearing that one I read her the riot act right then and there and the dude became a distant memory very sharply. Some people might say I was just being insecure - I see it as not letting myself be messed around and treated like a chump.

I don't think that you should be either OP.

Beruthiel

stand'up wrote: »

Pretty livid at the moment.

I'm curious, have you discussed any of this with your g/f?

sbsquarepants

I have to say, i wouldn't stand for it. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms to back the f'uck off. Was in a very similar situation a few years back and i'm still feeling the effects of rumours etc this so called friend spread to advance his own cause. One of my big regrets is not acting sooner, i eventually told him where to go after maybe 9 or 10 months of biting my lip, but by then a lot of damage had been done (he was a particularly slimy, devious waste of dna) My advice is nip it in the bud now - whatever it takes, tell her to choose and be prepared to live with her answer either way, but this kind of thing is like a cancer in a relationship, you need to get rid of it straight away, one way or the other.

ilovetosing

unclecessna wrote: »

It definitely sounds like your girlfriend is getting a thrill out of this guys efforts and even if she has no real intentions whatsoever to go there with him it's frankly just rude and disrespectful to you. She needs to just cop-on and stop it.

Similar thing happened to me several years ago with my girlfriend at that time - she was working in a shop and some dude kept going in and laying it on thick with her every day even after she said she was attached, I have to admit that my girlfriend was quite a naive person and didn't fully realize that the guy was such a bullsh1t artist (my best friend worked in the shop too so he gave me the low down on him). Even after she said she had a boyfriend he had the cheek to ask her out on a date yet again and said that I could come along as well....!!! :rolleyes:

After hearing that one I read her the riot act right then and there and the dude became a distant memory very sharply. Some people might say I was just being insecure - I see it as not letting myself be messed around and treated like a chump.

I don't think that you should be either OP.

+1 this is the only way you can deal with this one OP because your GF is disrespecting you and she knows this guys intentions and she knows you know that and yet she continues to disrespect your feelings! Its bang out of order imo and I like uncle I would have laid down the law right at the start of it and if she didn't agree then C ya....

LegacyUser

ilovetosing wrote: »

+1 this is the only way you can deal with this one OP because your GF is disrespecting you and she knows this guys intentions and she knows you know that and yet she continues to disrespect your feelings! Its bang out of order imo and I like uncle I would have laid down the law right at the start of it and if she didn't agree then C ya....

OP like the other posters have said you need to nip this in the bud bigtime. If you let this one go now she will think that sort of carry on is acceptable in your relationship.
If you have made it clear to her your feelings on the matter and shes done nothing then personally i would be walking....

You need to be assertive with her...tell her to cut the crap or your gone...
The time for gentle suggestions is long gone...

She can get all the validation she wants once your gone...

And your right OP, theres nothing funny about it....she obviously sees you as a little bit of a pushover.....change that

The Lovely Muffin

What age's are the three of you? And how many (if any) serious relationship has your g/f had before you?

I have never had a relationship and even I can tell you your girlfriend and her 'friend' are way, way out of line!

If I had an OH and he expected me to put up with guff like that, I'd rapidly tell him where to go. I also wouldn't put up with such behaviour from either myself or any of my friends.

No-one, absolutely no one should (have to) put up with such disrespecting behaviour.

If I were you OP, I'd tell your g/f straight out to put a stop to this behaviour/friendship or the relationship is finished.

Also, as you've made it clear to your g/f before and she knows what you think/how you feel about this behaviour, I'd nearly not bother giving her a choice of stopping the behaviour, I'd dump her now!

You've given her (a) chance(s) and she (I assume) hasn't used those chance(s) to speak to her 'friend'?

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

whatsamsn

Op,
we dont do anything that will cause our partners to be uncomfortable in relationships. But thats only if we really care.

Tell her to stop being friends with him or thats it. Thats not an unfair ultimatum. Its the way things are now from how she could of handled it. But i'm sure she will think it is.

Op, you are threading in dangerous waters here. These are the character traits of someone you DO NOT want to be with. The last thing people should do is to get involved with someone who will not "shun" the clear intentions of members of the opposite sex while they are meant to be in a relationship with you.
She says this man is a friend. Ok. Whats to say it wont be a stranger next time? ... "oh he is my friend too"

This is a clear breach of trust. Op, even if you sort out this situation now. This is something that will happen again. .. or its a damn obvious statement about just how much she is into you.

LegacyUser

Hey, Op again. Thanks all for your replies.

In our twenties. GF talked to him about it and seemed to believe he was joking, although said it was still inappropriate. After this we had a serious talk and I made it fully clear that I was not backing down on this one.

She was not happy at first, but backed down pretty sharpish after a few minutes and changed her tone. Said she will let him know in person that he is not to contact her anymore.

Any hint of her bending on the above, and ill be gone like the flash. One positive thing id say in her favor, she did tell me everything as they happened rather then afterwards.

unclecessna

stand'up wrote: »

Hey, Op again. Thanks all for your replies.

In our twenties. GF talked to him about it and seemed to believe he was joking, although said it was still inappropriate. After this we had a serious talk and I made it fully clear that I was not backing down on this one.

She was not happy at first, but backed down pretty sharpish after a few minutes and changed her tone. Said she will let him know in person that he is not to contact her anymore.

Any hint of her bending on the above, and ill be gone like the flash. One positive thing id say in her favor, she did tell me everything as they happened rather then afterwards.

Well that is good that you talked to her about it and did not back down on the issue, you were well within your rights to do so - well done.

My only concern is why exactly does she need to see him in person again to tell him their ''friendship'' is over - would a text message not have sufficed? I'd say it would be just giving this guy another occasion to undermine you with her to be honest.

As for her being upfront about hanging out with this guy I think this is a slight cop-out to some extent. The way I read that is she knew that seeing him on what was for all intents and purposes a date that she was breaching your trust so by telling you in advance she was just covering her ass should you have found out by other means.
Now I may well be wrong on this of course but from my reading of everything that you have said that would be my conclusion.

Best of luck.

magneticimpulse

OP your totally over reacting here!! Fact of the matter is she is your girlfriend and she is dating you, not him. My ex ....and yes I say "ex" had a problem with my guy friends. Afterwards I found out one of my guy friends was gay and since my ex actually suggested (while we were slowly breaking up) I date a "friend" of mine, 1 year later I actually asked that friend out...and you know what, nothing happened. My male friend was always chatting to me and even years ago said he fancied me, but now that there is no problem to date, we have not "hit" it off. We are still just friends. I realise, neither of us want to date each other, otherwise we would have got together years ago.

My advice, chill out, trust your girlfriend. Get yourself some more friends and stop getting nervous about her having friends of the opposite sex. In this day in age it is normal and healthy. If she wanted to be with him, they would have hit it off years ago. If you make an issue out of this, you will just lose her and the likely hood is that she will never ever date this guy. They are just friends. He prob hasnt had sex in a while and is flirthing with her as he knows its not going to go anywhere. I flirt all the time with my guy friends who have girlfriends, as they are as good as gay to me. I know they love their girlfriends and it means nothing.

whatsamsn

magneticimpulse, First off I hate going against what another user says on here. Because its all our own opinions. But I think you are getting the wrong end of the stick here.

You seem to be basing your advice on an experience you had which has not got alot relevance to do with the subject matter at hand. As for your subject matter with your ex. He had a problem with your guys friends - Maybe he was the jealous type, non-trusting or something else. I'm pretty sure you know the answer to that.

As for the Op in question its pretty much proven that this friend of his girlfriend is crossing a line and way out of order. In turn his girlfriend's behaviour/actions towards it is making him "uncomfortable" (uncomfortable being the nice word to use. Unacceptable being the real word to use)

Again, sorry if I come off as undermiming your comment. I'm not. Your advice weighs as much as the next person. Just that its not really the same situation as the Op's.

unclecessna wrote: »

...The way I read that is she knew that seeing him on what was for all intents and purposes a date that she was breaching your trust so by telling you in advance she was just covering her ass should you have found out by other means...

I would agree with this. Even if it is not the case she still accepted his behavior. To see nothing wrong with it.

You must ask yourself OP, if the shoe was on the other foot would she be so comfortable with it? .... Would she accept it and not let it bother her?
Within there holds the answer. Op what I am trying to say is if we step back and look what happens in a relationship, the majority of times we can read how things will work out. Step back and read what you see.

magneticimpulse

whatsamsn wrote: »

magneticimpulse, First off I hate going against what another user says on here. Because its all our own opinions. But I think you are getting the wrong end of the stick here.

You seem to be basing your advice on an experience you had which has not got alot relevance to do with the subject matter at hand. As for your subject matter with your ex. He had a problem with your guys friends - Maybe he was the jealous type, non-trusting or something else. I'm pretty sure you know the answer to that.

As for the Op in question its pretty much proven that this friend of his girlfriend is crossing a line and way out of order. In turn his girlfriend's behaviour/actions towards it is making him "uncomfortable" (uncomfortable being the nice word to use. Unacceptable being the real word to use)

Again, sorry if I come off as undermiming your comment. I'm not. Your advice weighs as much as the next person. Just that its not really the same situation as the Op's.




I would agree with this. Even if it is not the case she still accepted his behavior. To see nothing wrong with it.

You must ask yourself OP, if the shoe was on the other foot would she be so comfortable with it? .... Would she accept it and not let it bother her?
Within there holds the answer. Op what I am trying to say is if we step back and look what happens in a relationship, the majority of times we can read how things will work out. Step back and read what you see.

Yes you very clearly got my message wrong. The OP is clearly over reacting here. Did the guy friend have sex with his girlfriend? Snog her? So far I didnt see any of that mentioned, so its clearly in his head and he is coming across as the jealous type. Yes it is exactly the same experience as mine...boyfriend becoming overly jealous over male friend...very simple

whatsamsn

Your argument seems to be that nothing has happened - Sex, kissing etc. But ignoring the aspect that this behaviour is not meant to / allowed to be uncomfortable to the op.

Upon reading your last comment I feel your previous experience was more close to the OP's than I originally thought. The vast majority of these posts (them being minus the Ops, yours and mine) all argree that the friend and girlfriend is out of line.

Personally, and i dont mean to start anything :P
I think you are letting your own experience cloud your mind. I am willing to bet, as most would reading this, you would not accept the OP's situation from any partner you may have (present or future)

Sounds like you are justifying your own previous experiences, which are your own business, weather you were in the right or wrong. But exporting them onto the issue at hand.

magneticimpulse

whatsamsn wrote: »

Your argument seems to be that nothing has happened - Sex, kissing etc. But ignoring the aspect that this behaviour is not meant to / allowed to be uncomfortable to the op.

Upon reading your last comment I feel your previous experience was more close to the OP's than I originally thought. The vast majority of these posts (them being minus the Ops, yours and mine) all argree that the friend and girlfriend is out of line.

Personally, and i dont mean to start anything :P
I think you are letting your own experience cloud your mind. I am willing to bet, as most would reading this, you would not accept the OP's situation from any partner you may have (present or future)

Sounds like you are justifying your own previous experiences, which are your own business, weather you were in the right or wrong. But exporting them onto the issue at hand.

Oh what, so everybody is basing their opinions on the land of aliens? Im sorry but my head is very much not clouded. I did not see sex or snogging or friends telling the OP that they saw his girlfriend having sex or snogging. All the men I went out with had female friends. Yes you are completely underminding my opinion for whatever reason. I clearly stand by, it is very healthy for men to have female friends and for women to have male friends. Look if the OPs girlfriend fancied (nothing to do with my experience) the friend, she would be dating him. Its very simple! The OPs girlfriend clearly does not have an interest in her friend, otherwise she would have gone with him years ago.

Maybe your mind is clouding your opinion, you seem to want to tell me what I should be thinking or tell me im wrong!! Im sorry but he is over reacting and jealous for no reason.

whatsamsn

Ok. I'll take your advice on board.

so... what you have just said it is ok to date someone, and one of their opposite sex friends to (as the op said - not my words) to always be flirting with your partner, speak unfounded negitive things about yourself, up their texts when a fight happened, say to the world that they fancy your partner, goto dinner with your partner and for the friend to say to not tell you/keep it a secret.


Just so we are clear. Thats what you mean right? ... and that the Op is over-reacting. That this is standard.

I would really apprecaite your response on this.

unclecessna

I can see where ''magneticimpulse'' is coming from in terms of it not being good to be jealous of one's partners friends. But I think the OP's situation is a different one to that.

The devil is in the detail, although the ''friend'' may not have kissed the girl yet he is pretty much paving his way to this goal by taking the clever/devious route and trying to sabotage her and the OP's relationship.

This guy is just taking it way too far for it to be just an innocent flirtation.

Badmothing the OP to his girlfriend, large number of texts to a girl who is already taken, dinner date with the same girl that he also wants to be kept a secret, declaring his interest publically to the girl on her social networking site etc.

He just sounds like a complete slither - I've known people like this unfortunately so I recognize the patterns. They get a thrill out of manipulating situations as it gives them a sense of power over others and they enjoy the drama.

Unfortunately the girl seems to be buying into this.

Reading everything that the OP has written that is the picture that presents itself to me at least.

The bottom line is the guys behaviour is negatively affecting their relationship and the OP has the right to be dissatisfied and call them on it.

magneticimpulse

I think people in relationships need space and time to breathe from the other person. If that is spending it with a male or female friend...going to dinner is fine. I have not seen anything wrong.

So the male friend is a flirt...the OPs girlfriend is going to respond to it or she will ignore it. So far I see that the OP is not trusting his girlfriend, undermining her and is becoming jealous...its a cake or death situation...he goes or I go. Which is totally unfair. You can never demand or order people who their friends are.

If the OP fancied the guy, she would have dumped the OP. She is still dating the OP, therefore she obvisously at this moment and time doesnt fancy her friend. Only time will tell what the outcome is. But what is the OP to do? He certainly cant demand who she ditches or keeps as a friend?

Obvisously you are totally against my personal experience...but yes ive had many experiences which were very good of having male friends and my boyfriends having female friends. I dont want to go into detail as its not about me, its about OP.

whatsamsn

Good post. However,
you still didnt answer what I said in my last post.... You just dodged the question. Just adding thoughts, but straying away from the thing that matters the most. That being what is acceptable.

whatsamsn wrote: »

Ok. I'll take your advice on board.

so... what you have just said it is ok to date someone, and one of their opposite sex friends to (as the op said - not my words) to always be flirting with your partner, speak unfounded negitive things about yourself, up their texts when a fight happened, say to the world that they fancy your partner, goto dinner with your partner and for the friend to say to not tell you/keep it a secret.


Just so we are clear. Thats what you mean right? ... and that the Op is over-reacting. That this is standard.

I would really apprecaite your response on this.

Is this in your own mind acceptable?

magneticimpulse

I did reply to it and I gave an answer!!! Yes its perfectly fine. Because relationships are based on trust. You have to have trust in your other half!!! If you are in a loving relationship, you know that you can trust your other half. In all relationships there are times when a member of the other sex (man or woman etc) will flirt with one or other party. Its how the other half goes about things that is important. If a relationship is meant to work, it will work out by itself. Its certainly not going to be better if the OP demands she loses contact with a friend she (so far has never even snogged or had sex with).

In this situation, the girlfriend has not made a move on her friend (despite him flirt). Therefore the OP clearly has no trust in her, is jealous and is over reacting.

How many times to I have to repeat myself?

whatsamsn

For anyone reading the above comments.

I rest my case. Thats all that needs to be added