Drastic change in ex-boyfriend's health & behaviour

LegacyUser

Long story short - My ex, who I still deeply care for, has started to disintegrate in front of me.

He's (or at least was) a big , gregarious guy who was the sharpest and funniest guy I'd ever met, which is what attracted me to him in the first place, but in the last 2 months, he's turned into a shell of himself.

When we last met (for dinner in a friendly capacity - I'm married to a mutual friend now, we all go out together every few months) it was at the end of February and he was on top of the world. He was just back from a work-do in Dublin, and full of stories about one girl in particular who'd clearly caught his eye, which was sweet.

Fast forward to last Saturday, and meeting him again for the first time since that day, i didn't recognize him - He'd literally lost about 2 stone, his eyes were hollow and he looked drawn and grey.
He was putting on a cheerful front, but it just wasn't the same guy.

I Knew that he was splitting up with his long term girlfriend, but that was a while ago now, and he didn't show any ill effects over that last time we spoke in Feb. I did a bit of snooping with our mutuals, and found out that he'd mentioned that someone in work had passed comment on his size a little while ago, but even though everyone's sensitive about personal comments, I couldn't imagine this guy changing so drastically purely over one idiot's opinion. He woulda been the first to tell you he could stand to lose a few pounds, but this loss has been drastic, and over such a short period it looks unhealthy.

The only clue I could eke out was that he's not happy in work, and when I mentioned the girl he was talking about last time, he said she's still the only reason he turns up there at all, but it felt like there was an unspoken regret or something there, which isn't like him at all. There was never anything quiet or restrained about him - He was always confident without the annoying cockiness that tends to be packaged with that in a boy.

I know I said I was making this long story short, and I've kinda failed on that, but it pains me to see a lovable sweet guy like this become a wreck and I want to help him without crossing any "interfering Ex-Girlfriend" boundaries. It seems like his confidence has been shattered somehow by a collection of circumstances, and I dont know what to do.

I dont want to see anything bad happen to him, he was a very important part of my growing up . He pulled me back from the brink of self-destruction on more than one occasion and I'd like to be able to return the favor. He's still a wonderful friend to us today, and Im really starting to fear for his mental & physical health, the change in him is so heartbreaking.

If anyone has any advice on how I can help him without pushing him further away, Id appreciate it.

krudler

Maybe he's ill? sudden weight loss can be a result of that.

LegacyUser

i agree with krudler OP. Its likely he could have an illness of some kind that perhaps you dont know about....especially given the weight loss.

Having said that he could just be going through a rough time...suffering from poor mental health...depression?

Regardless of the cause im not sure theres a whole lot you can do. While i can understand you care for your ex and dont want to see him like this given your relationship to him now i dont know if it would be right for you to do or say anything directly. Perhaps you could mention to a close friend of his that he seems unwell and ask is he ok.

If you feel it appropriate you could say to your ex that he seems unwell and ask is he ok. But you want to do this very carefully and sensitively or he might very well resent you or as you say push you away. It must be difficult to see him like this and be powerless to help him....but you must remember he has friends who will be there for him now no doubt. Its a difficult one but depending how close you are you will know what the right thing to do is. Just be careful not to get too involved. You risk confusing your current partner and pushing your ex away.

Good luck OP

LegacyUser

Maybe he's ill? sudden weight loss can be a result of that.

i agree with krudler OP. Its likely he could have an illness of some kind that perhaps you dont know about....especially given the weight loss.

Having said that he could just be going through a rough time...suffering from poor mental health...depression?

Thank you both for your replies. I've called a few people, and am beginning to think its the latter rather than the former. I cant find any confirmation that he's physically ill (which is not to say that he isn't, I just cant find any evidence that he is) , and all the signs point to some kind of poor mental health situation. He's been less and less in contact with our friends recently, and seems to be having a pretty bad time in general. I dont know any of his work colleagues so haven't spoken to them, it's just that the little communication he has had with any of our own old friends (when he does speak to them) generally revolves around how he isn't enjoying himself any more, and naturally, this has me worried.

Just be careful not to get too involved. You risk confusing your current partner and pushing your ex away.

I am worried about my involvement, but not about my husband's reaction - He knows this guy even better than I do, and actually spotted that something was wrong on the phone before we had met again last Saturday. He's as worried about him as I am, so there's absolutely no fear of confusion, but I know what you mean.

What I'm concerned about is how to broach the subject of mental health without it sounding like "You're insane", becuase like I said earlier, it just seems to me that the charm and confidence he had has been destroyed by something outside our circle of influence, and I fear he wont tell me what it is, leaving me powerless to help. This hurts.

Thank you again for your replies so far.

rathbaner

These symptoms are typical of heroin abuse or some other drug, like cocaine.

Contrary to what the Evening Herald would have you believe these are predominantly middle class drugs.

Kidchameleon

TheRogueTrader wrote: »

he said she's still the only reason he turns up there at all, but it felt like there was an unspoken regret or something there, which isn't like him at all.

Speaking from personal experience OP, could it be that he is in love with this girl and she has found someone else? That can be hard for a guy...

Ps. Your a great friend, fair play to you

LegacyUser

rathbaner wrote: »

These symptoms are typical of heroin abuse or some other drug, like cocaine.

I wont say that this didn't cross my mind, it did, but only fleetingly - I know you can never truly know someone inside out, but from my own personal experiences that I have alluded to in previous posts, I am absolutely as certain as I can be that drugs are not the reason for the changes I'm seeing in him.

Kidchameleon wrote: »

Speaking from personal experience OP, could it be that he is in love with this girl and she has found someone else? That can be hard for a guy...

Something like this is far more likely. Perhaps not "love" and perhaps not exactly as described in your post, but girly intuition says that even though it may not be a bullseye, it's in the general area. I know it sounds cruel, but part of me hopes it is something simple like this, because you can recover from a lack of attention if you've got people taking care of you, but to be honest, he's an all grown up boy now... I think theres more going on than an unrequited crush.

Guess I'll just have to watch from a safe distance. Thanks again for all your replies.

LegacyUser

Yeah. It seems to be somewhat girl-related.

We did some snooping, and it seems that he has grown attached to this girl he works with, but thinks he's "not good enough" for her.

(There were some other issues : an illness in the family; the whole (ex)girlfriend thing; and some procedural sh*t to deal with in his job, so from what we can make out, this combination of stuff is what's making him ill, but it's primarily down to the girl. )

Pardon my language, but boys are f***ing stupid. This is gonna take time and effort. Suggestions welcome.