House mate not speaking to us

miss_eva

A friend referred me to Boards as they said people here offer good advice

I'm having a problem with a house mate in the house I'm currently living in. We all sat down and had a house meeting a few weeks ago to discuss issues within the house. We were perfectly fair and didn't blame anyone in particular for any of the issues, which were largely caused by her (house constantly very messy etc). She got incredibly defensive and since then, has refused to speak to us and barely comes home, except at anti-social hours, seemingly to avoid us.

I've text her several times over a three week period, passing on messages from the landlord (changes to rent, new lease being signed in May), asking if everything's OK and have had no response back.

Her behaviour is completely isolating her from the house and she's making the rest of us feel awkward. Sometimes she'll come home at 11ish at night when we're still watching TV and she'll literally run up the stairs, straight in to her room and lock the door to avoid having to speak to us.
I can understand someone wanting privacy in a house share, but to avoid countless messages, not return phone calls and actually ignore us saying "Hi" to her in the house is a bit much, right?

I'm at a loss of what to do. Should I inform the landlord and get them to handle it, or should I speak to them about asking her to move out?
Thanks for any suggestions.

ToxicPaddy

Hey Eva,

I've lived in shared houses where we have had issues like this before with housemates.. To be honest, the best thing you can do is leave them to it. If that person is immature and acting this way because you had a chat with them over some issues in the house then its their loss. They may cop themselves on or may decide to continue to act this way for the foreseeable.

If they continue to do this, it might be time to ask them to move out and start looking for a new housemate. Can you afford to cover the rent between you if she moves out and you dont find a new housemate immediately?

I can't see the landlord wanting to get involved in this, most just want to rent out a house with as little interference as possible and only get involved if there are problems with the house itself or issues such as physical damage to items in the house, bills not being paid or rent payments missed.

Tox

D3PO

Why should the landlord get involved or why should she have to move out ?

You had a discussion or perhaps from her perspective a blame game session, she now feels isolated from you. I dont see why she should have to talk to you or have any interaction with you once she pays her rent and bills.

If this is the choice shes decided to make then thats up to her. Asking somebody to leave becasue they wont speak to you thats a bit much

problemchimp

D3PO wrote: »

Why should the landlord get involved or why should she have to move out ?

You had a discussion or perhaps from her perspective a blame game session, she now feels isolated from you. I dont see why she should have to talk to you or have any interaction with you once she pays her rent and bills.

If this is the choice shes decided to make then thats up to her. Asking somebody to leave becasue they wont speak to you thats a bit much

A fair point, maybe you assume you didn't offend her. It sounds like it was 2 against 1 and she felt intimidated. If it carries on like this maybe she'll get sick of it and move out. In the mean time she doesn't have to speak to you if that suits her.

Cathmandooo

Housemates don't have to get along. Leave the girl be, if she wants to come home at 11 pm and go straight upstairs then let her, she's not 12 and you're not her mother.

With regard to the messages you're giving her, is there any reason why she has to reply? Change to rent, is she paying what she owes? Signing a lease in May, it's not May yet, surely there's nothing to do til then?

Maybe she's having personal problems and doesn't want to discuss them. If she's in the house less is she making less mess? Surely that solves your problems?

miss_eva

Thanks for the feeback

problemchimp wrote: »

A fair point, maybe you assume you didn't offend her. It sounds like it was 2 against 1 and she felt intimidated.

Maybe so. It was more a general meeting though. We all hadn't sat down in a while and all of us had a chance to chat about issues in the house, if we wanted any changes etc. For some reason, she just seemed to take things badly and since then, hasn't been in contact with us much.

I wouldn't mind her choosing to keep to herself if there wasn't so much going on with the house that needed to be discussed ... If she'd only speak to us about that much and get it sorted, I'm sure we'd be happy enough.

D3PO wrote: »

Why should the landlord get involved or why should she have to move out ?

I suppose because this not talking to us business is a final straw, in many ways. She's been months late with her rent before, she hasn't contributed to bills since she moved in etc.

I'd have no issue with her opting to not talk to us if she was paying her rent on time, paying off bills and doing her part to contribute to cleaning but at present she's not.

Cathooo wrote: »

Housemates don't have to get along. Leave the girl be, if she wants to come home at 11 pm and go straight upstairs then let her, she's not 12 and you're not her mother.

I know house mates don't have to get along, but before, we all got along quite well and now, she seems to have turned on us which is creating an awkward vibe.

The only issue we really have with her not speaking to us is that there's a lot to be discussed and she seems to be purposely avoiding this, which will untimately get us in trouble with our landlord.
We've been given out to recently by our landlord because she was two months late with her rent, and while the landlord was prepared to let that slide, this time, he was insistant that things were more on track ... and now, considering she won't talk to us at all, that seems unlikely to happen.

Cathooo wrote: »

With regard to the messages you're giving her, is there any reason why she has to reply? Change to rent, is she paying what she owes? Signing a lease in May, it's not May yet, surely there's nothing to do til then?

Well, aside from the fact I'd like to know she's recieved the messages, she needs to find out how much her rent has changed by and confirm that she's staying on for May and will be signing the six month lease next week. She has to arrange a time to meet the landlord to read the lease prior to signing it and she has to meet up with one of us so we can show her how to use the new alarm system the landlord has put in and is insisting we start using asap.

We've been in touch about all this and haven't had a word back from her yet, so we're just at a loss of how to handle the situation.

Georgina012

if you have exhausted all options to resolve the issue, take it up with the landlord and surely she cant ignore him!!

the_syco

miss_eva wrote: »

I suppose because this not talking to us business is a final straw, in many ways. She's been months late with her rent before, she hasn't contributed to bills since she moved in etc.

She was late paying rent to the landlord, and doesn't pay bills? Speak to the landlord about getting someone who will.

convert

There's nothing worse than a situation like that. I had a similar issue with a housemate a few years back: months behind with the rent and bills (it got to the stage that we were receiving letters threatening disconnection from Bord Gais and ESB). Each time the landlord spoke to them, they came up with a sob story and burst out crying pulling on everything they could in order to get the landlord off their back. They eventually moved out, owing hundreds in bills and thousands in rent (thankfully the bills were all in the landlord's name and they were decent enough to cover the arrears owed by the tenant) which the landlord then had to pursue. The tenant had long since stopped talking to us for as much as circumstances allowed.

How is the landlord reacting to her non-payment of rent? Is this girl's name on the lease? If so, the landlord can provide her with reasonable notice of non compliance with the contract (i.e. lease), give her 14 days in which she can pay the rent, and then, if she hasn't done that, the landlord can issue her with 28 days' notice to move out. (It's on threshold.ie). So you're really looking at sharing with her for another 6 weeks before she can be legally asked to leave (if the lease isn't up before then).

Have you spoken to the landlord about her non payment of rent and bills?

ztoical

miss_eva wrote: »

I suppose because this not talking to us business is a final straw, in many ways. She's been months late with her rent before, she hasn't contributed to bills since she moved in etc.

Would help if you'd given that information in the first post as without it it just reads as some people sharing a house not getting on and it would be none of the landlords concern to be honest. It's a different story if she's not paying her rent and/or bills. You say she's been months late with rent before....that implies she's not behind with rent at the moment. Who is she paying rent to? Did she sign a lease with the LL or is this a sub let and she's paying rent to someone else in the house to give to the LL? How long has she been in the house? If she's been months late paying rent I assume she's been there at least 3 months...why hasn't she contributed to bills? What was said to her regarding bills when she moved in? Has she just refused out right to contribute?

miss_eva

ztoical wrote: »

Would help if you'd given that information in the first post as without it it just reads as some people sharing a house not getting on and it would be none of the landlords concern to be honest.

I realise that now. I should have included that information in the first post but there is so much going on with the situation that my mind was all over the place & I suppose I didn't want to overburden people with information.

ztoical wrote: »

It's a different story if she's not paying her rent and/or bills. You say she's been months late with rent before....that implies she's not behind with rent at the moment. Who is she paying rent to?

As of the start of this month, she was meant to pay rent directly to our landlord. A man we shared with prior to this used to transfer all our rent money from his account directly to the landlord's. He also sorted bills and she has yet to contribute her owed amount. He left the amount we all owed out for us in March (for the previous few months) and she kept saying she'd pay him, but in fact hasn't. The bills being ESB and Bord Gais.

I only discovered a few days ago (the one time she has actually spoken to me in three weeks) that she owed rent for March (she never paid the old tenant) and April to the landlord. I know she owes him for that because she asked me for his bank details so she could pay rent for those months.

None of us have a lease at the moment. The guy we used to live with was put in the charge of the house by the landlord as he lived there for ten years. When he moved out, the landlord informed us that if we wanted to stay, we'd all have to sign a joined lease together, taking equal responsibility for the house. This lease is due to be signed at the start of May, this coming weekend.

All of us in the house are a bit anxious about what will happen because if she does agree to sign this lease and stay in the house, will she continue to be laid-back about bills (that are now in my name) and rent? Obviously, we aren't as worried about her not speaking to us, because that's her decision and although it does create a negative vibe in the house, it's up to her.

sham what

yeah i was in a similar situation last year when i lived in student accomodation. I would reccomment to try and talk but if she is completely cutting yous off and avoiding yous then maybe text her telling her that it makes the rest of yous feel awkard and that yous cant continue living like that. and if she doesnt reply maybe yopu should contact the lanlord and explain the situation its a very diffciult situation though...

convert

miss_eva wrote: »

the landlord informed us that if we wanted to stay, we'd all have to sign a joined lease together, taking equal responsibility for the house. This lease is due to be signed at the start of May, this coming weekend.

All of us in the house are a bit anxious about what will happen because if she does agree to sign this lease and stay in the house, will she continue to be laid-back about bills (that are now in my name) and rent? Obviously, we aren't as worried about her not speaking to us, because that's her decision and although it does create a negative vibe in the house, it's up to her.

If she's not paying rent or bills now, the chances are she won't start doing so just because she has a formal lease. If I were you, I wouldn't be signing any lease with her. Do you really want the stress of living with someone who won't talk to you, let alone somebody who doesn't pay their share of the rent/bills?

If the landlord is approachable, have a chat with him about the tenant and her non-payment of rent. But I wouldn't sign a lease with her, and I sincerely doubt she'll change her behaviour anytime soon, regardless of the lease.

the_syco

miss_eva wrote: »

I only discovered a few days ago (the one time she has actually spoken to me in three weeks) that she owed rent for March (she never paid the old tenant) and April to the landlord. I know she owes him for that because she asked me for his bank details so she could pay rent for those months.

None of us have a lease at the moment. The guy we used to live with was put in the charge of the house by the landlord as he lived there for ten years. When he moved out, the landlord informed us that if we wanted to stay, we'd all have to sign a joined lease together, taking equal responsibility for the house. This lease is due to be signed at the start of May, this coming weekend.

You do realise that the landlord is sick of not getting rent, so if gets you to sign for the house together, the missing rent becomes your problem, and not his?

miss_eva

sham what wrote: »

yeah i was in a similar situation last year when i lived in student accomodation. I would reccomment to try and talk but if she is completely cutting yous off and avoiding yous then maybe text her telling her that it makes the rest of yous feel awkard and that yous cant continue living like that. and if she doesnt reply maybe yopu should contact the lanlord and explain the situation its a very diffciult situation though...

Thanks for your help
I have tried speaking to her, but it doesn't seem to be working at all. It's a shame because when she first moved in, we all thought she was lovely, then things just started to go wrong.
I guess I wanted to come here and see if others would suggest going to speak to the landlord, as that's what we feel we should do in the house. I just wanted to get as much feedback as I could to make sure I wasn't being unfair to her or doing the wrong thing.

convert wrote: »

If she's not paying rent or bills now, the chances are she won't start doing so just because she has a formal lease. If I were you, I wouldn't be signing any lease with her. Do you really want the stress of living with someone who won't talk to you, let alone somebody who doesn't pay their share of the rent/bills?

You're right. She doesn't seem to respect anyone in the house or the landlord so maybe it is best that I speak to the landlord soon. None of us intended to be mean to her, but at this stage, given what has happened we don't really have much of a choice.

the_syco wrote: »

You do realise that the landlord is sick of not getting rent, so if gets you to sign for the house together, the missing rent becomes your problem, and not his?

Yes, that's one of my biggest fears. He told us that when we all sign the lease, it becomes joined responsibility so if one of us breaks something, we're all held responsible and everyone is responsible for getting rent in on time etc.

Thoie

miss_eva wrote: »

will she continue to be laid-back about bills (that are now in my name) and rent?

Personally I'd get those bills in her name asap, but make sure you pay her promptly when they come in, and get her to sign something saying you've paid.