Being femme Gay and Bisexual.

Nevyn

I found these two pieces on my interweb travels and wanted to share them.
One is an ode to femmes a piece by an Coyote at Speak Up! on 4/10/2010.
and the other speaks of the struggle of being a femme bisexual and being made invisible when you date a guy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q7IzwUa_kI

http://www.feministing.com/archives/020863.html

Holding My Boyfriend's Hand: On Becoming Invisible Again

This is a guest post by someone who preferred to remain anonymous.

After over a decade of dating mostly butch/masculine women, I am dating a man again. I am a queer high femme, and I "pass" easily through straight society. I am never gay-bashed, just street harassed.

Dating a man again does not **** with my sense of self, nor does it somehow alienate me from my queer family. I've always identified as a femme attracted to male energy, and that energy inhabits a wide spectrum of bodies and presentations. I am queer. My queer chosen family and friends understand that who I date does not negate my queerness, and they care more for my happiness then the gender of who I date. My male lover is queer and knows how my attractions work. He likes the boys as well as the girls, and frankly, we enjoy these parts of each other.

Coming out, I felt the pain of rejection from LGBTQ folks. I remember going to lesbian bars in multiple cities and having my intentions questioned. Walking down a long, dark alley to one bar, one of the hottest butches I have ever seen leered and asked, "you here to watch, straight girl?" I escaped to the mecca of San Francisco only to have bouncers demand "you know this is dyke night, right?" If this happened today, I would saucily sashay my way past the bouncers, toss a line to the butch, and walk right in, but I wasn't there a decade ago.

I mistakenly thought that even if it wouldn't be easy, it at least wouldn't be that big a deal to date a man again - but the invisibility is back. As my boyfriend and I walk up to see a movie, I give the butch-femme couple in front of us the smile of shared community. They glare at me with "we-don't-need-your-patronizing-smile-of-acceptance-straight-girl" faces, and a part of me goes cold. I know that smile - I would give it to people as I walked next to my butch, waiting for a gawk at her presentation from the straights around us so that I could glare back. I loved the feeling of community when I smiled at other obviously queer couples.

I went home this weekend with my new boyfriend. My mother's joy hurt. My ex had nursed my mother through multiple painful events, mowed the lawn when she couldn't, gotten drunk with her, but all of this was wiped away by bringing a man home. And she should love him too - he is amazing and wonderful and smart. But she should love him for him, not for his gender.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to go back to wearing rainbow buttons, and frankly they don't work with my knee-high boots or strappy sandals. I've made it clear to my mother that I have not changed and that women lovers will always be a part of my life. But some part of me is still waiting to get into the dyke bar. I hate being invisible again, and I hate being in a world that defines my sexuality by the person whose hand I am holding. Even all of my sauciness can't lead me to easy answers or fast retorts, and I'm struggling to find how to be here and queer even while holding my boyfriend's hand.

spurious

Loved the ode.

Miracletown

spurious wrote: »

Loved the ode.

Me too.

Frei

The feministing article had a few points that touched a chord, except for being femme, I don't really identify with the femme/butch dichotomy.

lou91

"... As I walked next to my butch"?

Had to laugh at that bit

Nevyn

why?

MicraBoy

I have to admit I have a hard time identifying with lesbians for some reason, but both those pieces said a lot to me and can really relate to them. :cool:

shoegirl

Frei wrote: »

The feministing article had a few points that touched a chord, except for being femme, I don't really identify with the femme/butch dichotomy.

Its popular in the US once again. It got buried after radical feminism appropriating lesbian identity for social/political purposes in the 70s, but a lot of the more educated women looked down on it as a working class practice, and kind of marginalised women who practiced it. Then a kind of andrygyny took over, and is still by far the dominant "style" you'll see today in older womens circles.

Basically it comes from a 2nd wave feminist concept that outward expression of femininity is "performance" for a "male gaze." I don't think they really thought much about a female gaze as these women were mostly not attracted to women themselves and probably couldn't really conceptualize it. As a result, we ended up with the almost tyrannical androgyny we get today.

The irony of invisibility is I think a lot of women preferred to "vanish" rather than expose themselves to ridicule or have to cope with male attention. Its my theory that a lot of the pornographication of lesbianism for male voyeurism is a way around the huge prejudice and deep inability of many people (women included) to acknowledge that women have a sexuality at all, nevermind once which doesn't include men.

Its worth googling Julie Serano, a transdyke, on this. Her theory is that a lot of lesbians have adopted a kind of misogyny against femininity over the years and this is one of the triggers for very anti-trans positions in US lesbian feminist circles. Things are changing a lot though.

Personally, I have learned to accept my invisibility through preferring a feminine outer appearance. Deep inside I am pure truck driver, however!!

Frei

I will certainly look her up, sounds interesting!

Nevyn

Personally it's more about what I am comfortable wearing then preforming or conforming.

Frei

Personally it's more about what I am comfortable wearing then preforming or conforming.

Same here! One day I might wear a dress, another day jeans and waistcoat. I always dress for myself regardless of how silly I look :P

Kanoe

funny stuff and very insightful too, I found it very moving.
(wanted to say something about the invisibility factor but I got over it, it's not that I've finally found myself within "the community" more like I stopped giving a crap about being recognized as part of it, but I can relate)

shoegirl

Thaedydal wrote: »

Personally it's more about what I am comfortable wearing then preforming or conforming.

The concept is actually from Judith Butler in her book Gender Trouble.

Not my idea at all!

lou91

Thaedydal wrote: »

why?

I don't know, its a little overkill on the "identity" thing.
Fair enough if people identify with the whole butch/femme dichotomy but it seems a bit unnecessary to play it up that much.

Frei

Something I find fascinating is the "stone" butch. I was reading online about different slang words used by lesbian/bisexual women and I read that:

A stone butch is a woman who is strongly masculine in character and dress, who tops her partners sexually (and sometimes emotionally), and who does not wish to be touched genitally.