48 hour no-warning relationship sabbatical!

LegacyUser

To give a little relevant background information first, my bf and I have been together eight years and do not live together in the conventional sense but each have our own homes and spend about five/six nights a week together, divided between his home and mine.

Over the weekend he dropped me off somewhere I needed to be at 5pm telling me he’d meet me back in my house “in couple of hours”. By this I assumed me meant about 7.30pm as whenever either of us says “a couple of hours” we’re talking about roughly two hours or a little more. I did what I had to do and headed back to the house, was home for about 6.00pm.

He’d gone up to his brother’s house and I knew where he’d gone. When he wasn’t back by half seven I gave him a ring to see what the story was and he said he’d be back in an hour or two. Fair enough I thought. Half nine comes and still no sign, so I start to get annoyed at this point because we’d planned to spend the evening in together. I texted him and half nine “What’s keeping you?” and he responded that he was just hanging out with his brother. It was quite a curt text. I responded that I hadn’t asked what he was doing, I’d asked what was taking him so long to do it. No response.

Next thing I know a family member of his is calling wanting to know is he with me and saying they can’t get him because his phone is off!

Long story short, I didn’t see or hear from him for two days straight, during which time his phone stayed off. He texted me two days after the fact, all apologies, and I rang him back. Presumably he was expecting me to text rather than ring, or possibly ignore him, but he obviously hadn’t been expecting a call as he seemed caught off guard when I rang and he was still in the company of his brothers (I could hear them in the background) He had a very different tone on the phone than he’d had in his text, put it that way! He was scarcely apologetic at all on the phone and presumably this was because he had an audience of his brothers at the time.

They’d all been partying away all weekend, drinking cans and smoking hash. It’s not the fact that he went to a session that’s bothering me – it’s the fact that he dropped our plans, knocked off his phone and deliberately blanked me completely!

I felt (and still feel) very let down and annoyed by this contemptuous behaviour, so I told him I need a few weeks to work out what I want in my life, that I won’t be treated with contempt by him or any man and that by the looks of it he could do with some time to do some thinking of his own.

I feel very bereft and am trying to work out was he as much in the wrong as I think he was. Surely this is a disgracefully disrespectful way to treat your partner after eight years? I know I’d never do it to him and never have, but there are two sides to every coin and maybe there is something I’m missing here? Am I being too harsh? I just wonder how others would assess this situation so please give me your honest answers. I’d be happy to answer any questions to clarify matters.
Sorry for the long post, couldn’t help it. My head’s wreaked.

Thanks

Cheap Thrills!

Reading between the lines there....Im guessing by the way he did it that he feels a little bit sufffocated at home but at the same time guilty about it.

Sounds like he's on a tight rein, if my BF was slow about getting back to me when he was in other male company the last thing I would do is send 'where are you' and 'why are you taking so long' type texts. Think how it looks to his mates...like he is henpecked.

Alright so ye had planned to spend the evening in together but sure you can do that any time.

I think you embarassed him and rubbed him up the wrong way so he got defiant and decided he may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb.

No-one is saying you have to be a doormat but a bit of tact goes a long way. He may feel he is being kept in a 'tight rein'

Imagine if the situation was reversed and you found yourself with your mates unexpectedly having a good time and you wanted to stay, theres nothing special going on at home planned, just a night in and you wanted to stay out. It's be nice to think you could without the sh!t hitting the fan.

I'm all for respect but it cuts both ways!

LegacyUser

I should add that when I say we spend most of the week together I mean we spend most week nights sleeping in each other's homes. Plenty of those evenings will be spent with friends/family ect and then we meet up afterwards and stay over. I'm adding this information because a person reading this could be forgiven for assuming he wasn't getting enough time to see his family or friends, which might possibly excuse such bizzare behaviour.

Honestly there is no excusable reason for what he did as far as I can see. I am just so upset right now!

LegacyUser

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Reading between the lines there....Im guessing by the way he did it that he feels a little bit sufffocated at home but at the same time guilty about it.

I can see why you'd think that Cheap Thrills given the information I left out of the original post, but it honestly isn't that way at all.

barbiegirl

I have to disagree with Cheap Thrills. If someone says they'll be back in a few hours and then gets into something else, that's fine but you RING the other person and say "Honey the boys are on a session, I'm off with them. Sorry we can't hang tonight but I'll make it up to you later" Then maybe if the OP had reacted badly to that you could say she had him on too short a leash. As it is I'd take some time out.
Eight years and seperate lives, no committment, is this because you both feel there is someone better out there for you? It sounds like it to me unless of course you're both in your early twenties or there are kids from previous relationships, which of complicates these matters.
Either way, sit down, write out what you want from life and a partner, ask him to do the same in the time apart. The main question being are you in love? When you look at your future is it him sitting beside you holding your hand when your eighty?
This all may have brought things to a head. IF he's not the one, don't worry there are more guys out there and it's better to be happy on your own than to settle.
Best of luck and I hope he is the one and you can work it out.

Cheap Thrills!

bereft wrote: »

I can see why you'd think that Cheap Thrills given the information I left out of the original post, but it honestly isn't that way at all.

Thanks, well I will admit that does put a slightly different complexion on the whole thing.

The thing that would worry me is that he spoke differently to you in front of others than normal, so it made me wonder does he feel resentful somehow but is not saying it...?

He might not even know himself but his behaviour shows something unreloved/unexpressed is leaking out passive aggressively.

OR maybe they were taking more than hash. That could be another explanation? Say he was too fecked or off it to speak straight to you and thats why he knocked off the phone?

LegacyUser

barbiegirl wrote: »

I have to disagree with Cheap Thrills. If someone says they'll be back in a few hours and then gets into something else, that's fine but you RING the other person and say "Honey the boys are on a session, I'm off with them. Sorry we can't hang tonight but I'll make it up to you later" Then maybe if the OP had reacted badly to that you could say she had him on too short a leash.

That's exactly it Barbiegirl, rearranging plans is a very different story to just blanking someone entirely.

barbiegirl wrote: »

Eight years and seperate lives, no committment, is this because you both feel there is someone better out there for you? It sounds like it to me unless of course you're both in your early twenties or there are kids from previous relationships, which of complicates these matters.

Well, I really don't see how we could be said to be living seperate lives when we spend most nights of the week together. Besides that I value having a level of independence and enjoy having my own home, and yes, as you suspected, there are children from prior relationships on both sides.

barbiegirl wrote: »

The main question being are you in love?

Yes, have been since I met him.

barbiegirl wrote: »

Best of luck and I hope he is the one and you can work it out.

Thanks.

LegacyUser

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

OR maybe they were taking more than hash. That could be another explanation?

Could well be, come to think of it. He came in with his eyes rolling in the back of his head there about three or four weeks back (after another night with the brothers, surprise surprise) When he arrived up there they'd bought a load of crap from the local head-shop and they all made a night of it. I was fuming over that and make no apologies for it. People are dropping like flies over that shyte.

Cheap Thrills!

bereft wrote: »

Could well be, come to think of it. He came in with his eyes rolling in the back of his head there about three or four weeks back (after another night with the brothers, surprise surprise) When he arrived up there they'd bought a load of crap from the local head-shop and they all made a night of it. I was fuming over that and make no apologies for it. People are dropping like flies over that shyte.

Then that could well be your answer. He probably banged a load of it into himself and was too mashed to speak to you.

LegacyUser

bereft wrote: »

Could well be, come to think of it. He came in with his eyes rolling in the back of his head there about three or four weeks back (after another night with the brothers, surprise surprise) When he arrived up there they'd bought a load of crap from the local head-shop and they all made a night of it. I was fuming over that and make no apologies for it. People are dropping like flies over that shyte.

Just to put your mind a bit at ease there hasnt been one death from that stuff. Theres been a few reports of suspected deaths but the legal highs were soon ruled out in all but one case. Considering how many people are using these things they're no more dangerous than alcohol.

I'd still get him off it though because no one knows the long term effects! Also complete lack of respect not contacting you, dont let that slide.

LegacyUser

it sounds like he didn't tell you what he was doing because he knew you wouldn't approve and would get mad. To be honest after 8 years he should be able to just call you and say he'd be spending time with his brothers without you going off on one. Which you are doing so it does sound a little like he's on a tight rein. the "i didn't ask what you were doing but why you are taking so long" text says it all. You sound quite controlling, the poor guy was probably afraid to turn on his phone in case he'd get ate.
I could be waay off but that's what came across to me from your post.
Him going on a bender for 2 days with his brothers and turning off his phone... while it might not be his normal behaviour i wouldn't class it as "bizarre" ... people do things like this every now and again, every guy i know while maybe not regularly but has done this at least once.

Chocoholic84

I'm surprised that people are being so lenient on this eejit (OP's BF that is.)

Honestly, I would expect a lot more from my partner of 8 years. A text? A phone call? OP, if i were you, I would be expecting ALOT of grovelling, and even if you got it, I would still be really mad.

What a tool!

LegacyUser

Thanks Chocoholic84, those are my thoughts exactly.

And Unregisterrred, I don't know what way you conduct your personal relationships whether it's with friends/family/lovers etc, but with the people I am close to in my life, no matter what their relation to me, if I say I'll be somewhere around a particular time I turn up in exactly that place ten or twenty minutes either side of that time.

We're all late sometimes; there are sometimes circumstances beyond our control - choosing to blow someone off for a two day bender is not one of them.

Also you should know that "the poor guy" is not being asked for any more consideration than he's been receiving from me for the last eight years.

username123

OP - what this boils down to (IMO) is just a simple matter of respect and consideration. Or lack thereof.

Your partner of 8 years, cancelled plans with you without even having the decency to tell you he was having a plan change, then left his phone off for the next 2 days while he was on a session with his brother. In my book, thats unacceptable behaviour (on many levels).

Do you want to be with someone who would have so little consideration for your feelings and so little respect for your relationship with him? Do you want to be with someone who thinks its 'normal' to go on 48 hour sessions at the drop of a hat? Sounds like bad news to me, you say there are children on both sides here, how responsible is it for this guy to go on a 48 hour session and not be contactable?

I dont mind anyone having a few drinks, but drink and drugs for 48 hours, knocking his phone off, ditching his pre-arrangement with his partner of 8 years - its just irresponsible.

Think about your future, will you just be thrown to one side and left with no contact everytime he wants to go an a session with the brother at the drop of a hat?

Id be telling him to sling his hook and grow up.