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Feedback needed please

  • 25-04-2010 9:43pm
    #1
    Faceroll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1 ✭


    It was meant to be a poem but it came out more like prose in the end... now I'm not sure what it is. Rubbish maybe! :-D
    All the same I would love any suggestions on what I could do with this...

    **************************************

    I saw her in town again today. If she recognised me she didn’t show it.
    She had been glamorous when I saw her last, her glossy lips giggling and her mascara thickly layered, not yet smudged with tears. Already tall, her long legs were strapped into patent six-inch heels. Or she was slight with an irritating high-pitched voice and a slightly sullen demeanor. Once she was a teenager with a curly mane atop a baggy, dishevelled ensemble and doc martens.
    Prey that had become separated from the herd, when she came back with us she would laugh nervously only to later slip, dejected, downstairs and out the door. At first a welcome stranger, sometimes her host would tire of her and we would all work to fill the awkward silence with small-talk. I joked with her and complimented her on her clothes.
    I just want to put my arms around her and stroke her hair and tell her everything will be all right.


Comments

  • #2
    seriousfizz
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 731 ✭✭✭seriousfizz


    I like that. I'm only a young writer myself so I don't think I have the experience to dish out as much positive criticism as you'd like. I would suggest trying to come up with something better than ''her glossy lips giggling''. I get what you're saying, but the adjective doesn't seem as accurate as some of the others you've used throughout the piece. Just a suggestion :)

    The main thing I'd like to say is; keep writing. I really enjoyed that, thank you!


  • #3
    Oryx
    Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    Id like to see it restructured as a poem. I think you have the basics there but it would have more punch if you edit you sentences, and allow your imagery to really impact the reader.

    I saw her today
    If she recognised me she didn’t show it.
    Glamorous when I saw her last,
    glossy lips, mascara thickly layered
    not yet smudged with tears.


    ^thats just a lame cut and paste to show you what I mean, youd need to work it up more.


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