Graphic birth stories

midlandsmissus

I was sitting for coffee at work today with three women who are mams. The conversation turned to their respective childbirths.
After a good half an hour of them telling me the most gruesome and intimate details of their bodies and births, I literally felt sick and had to leave.
Why do women who've had a baby have to go into in such minute gory detail, and usually emphasise the more horrific parts to some-one who's yet to have a baby? Is it fair to do that to some-one?
I heard such things as "I was in excruciating agony for THREE days" "He ripped me apart as he burst out of me", "They asked my husband to decide who to let live-me or the baby as he was 12 pounds and they thought I was going to die", and then of course they got into comparing how many stitches they've had. I don't want to know! That would be the more tamer parts of what I heard, I can't write the rest it was so graphic.

Do you think it's fair to tell women all the gory details who've yet to have a baby? I know this has instilled alot of fear in me, and I think the more fear you have going in the more pain you are going to experience.
I must remember to NEVEr do this to anyone when I have a child myself.
Has this ever happened to you and what are your thoughts on this?

Xiney

I suspect much the same reason I talk about the time I stabbed myself in the hand with a screen door's broken handle and had to give myself liquid stitches.

Human beings just love telling you how they survived

Nevyn

What stopped you asking them to change the topic of conversation?
What stopped you walking away?

tempura

Yes, childbirth is a painfull experience, however, as a woman your body is completely equiped to deal with it both mentally and physically. There are plenty of pain relief methods available also.

I have never and will never subscribe to the " Oh, it was hell on earth " school of thought on the childbirth experience. Its quite an individual thing and one womans take on it is always going to different to the next womans. It drives me insane when women feel the need to bang on about how the got through the whole thing. The best thing to do is ignore it.

I have given birth twice btw and survived :rolleyes:

Nevyn

Honestly it was the most intense all over body experience ever, I do giving birth again.
Wouldn't want to do the being pregnant or the morning sickness or heartburn or the first 6 months with a new born, but labour and birth, hell yeah it was intense and awesome.

Novella

I think it's perfectly fair for a woman to speak about her experience of giving birth, yeah. What a phenomenal thing to do, making a whole new tiny person and giving them life. I have never given birth but I imagine that when or if I do, it'll be one of the biggest moments in my life and something I'll always remember and want to speak about.

If you don't enjoy birth stories, you don't actually have to listen to them.

midlandsmissus

Thaedydal wrote: »

What stopped you asking them to change the topic of conversation?
What stopped you walking away?

I did and I did.

Catari Jaguar

My mam's water broke with me at about five o clock, she was washing dishes.

Told Dad to bring her to hospital - 5 min drive. He went in, she was settled and he was sent home by this oul wan nurse as "it'd be a long while yet"

My Dad drove home, he gets in the door, a few minutes later, phone rings to tell him he has a baby girl. 17:37

2 pushes - she said it was like shelling peas! But I was teeny tiny.

Giselle

I suppose some women big up the gore factor to dramatise the experience in the telling. It makes it sound like an even bigger achievement.

If you visit them in hospital the next day they're usually up and around and showing off the baby, so they can't have exactly all been knocking at deaths door, can they?

And I don't think any labours are allowed continue for three days, unless they're just the odd contraction for a long time at the beginning...not exactly life threatening agony.:rolleyes:

What do I know though, I've no kids!

rannerap

some of the tales ive heard have made me terrified of having kids,but my mam had three kids and was said it was grand though,she was out shopping and all the next day after having me,she barely got any stretch marks either,i really really hope it runs in the family!

Acoshla

I remember when I was 16 and a girl telling me how she had 32 stitches and was never doing it again, scared the life out of me but she's had 2 more since so it can't be that bad! I have to say though, birth stories don't scare me now, it's the stories I've heard about the 2nd and 3rd degree tears, loss of bladder control and long term pain and/or discomfort that terrify me :eek:

vicecreamsundae

hey OP! when i read the first couple lines i just thought it was funny
but when you said "why would they do this to someone who was just about to have a baby?" i felt really bad! aww haha that is awful, especially if you asked them to change the subject like you said! if you're pregnant it sounds like they were probably just having a laugh trying to scare [prepare!] you a bit, but i do think it's a little mean!

of course they have every right to talk about it, but put it this way, i'm terrified of dentists, like, pertified. and if i said i was nervous about a dentist appointment and my friends started exchanging nightmare root canal and extractions stories in front of me , despite me asking them not to, it would really really stress me out and upset me! it's just a bit insensitive, i mean most likely when those friends were pregnant, you weren't warning them to have their clits ripped apart!

anyway, try not to worry! as some of the other posters said , it's a different experience for everyone and while painful, is also amazing.

EDIT: i thought you said "just about to have a baby" but i see now you said "yet to have a baby". that changes everything! i only thought it was a bit insensitive if you were just about to give birth and they were trying to scare you! if you're not even pregnant yet then i'm afraid they've every right to spill the gory details! just like how i know root canals exist ha. but i'm sure if/when you get pregnant they will be the best friends to give you good advice!!

Truley

I try not to dwell on it too much to be honest; I just try to remind myself that millions of women have done it before and millions will do it after me. Most in far more challenging circumstances.
What scares me most was a conversation two friends of mine had about the five to six years after the birth. How you will never get time to yourself, how it feels like it will never end, always being defined by your parental status, not having a full nights sleep for years, never having a chance to groom yourself like you used to :eek: Now that I found terrifying!
I remember a friend of mine telling me how her son was delivered within five minutes from her walking through the hospital door. The son (5) even demonstrated to me how it happened by running across the room, bouncing off the wall and making a sort of ricochet sound 'neeeeeeeeeeeew' - so cute! :pac: That must be why people keep wanthing to do it.

Maple

To be honest i'd rather hear these stories than the naff namby pamby let's put a shiny sheen on the childbirth stories. You know the ones whereby the childless ask the childbearer how the labour went and they trill "ooh it was fine, a total doddle, sure a bikini wax is more torturous" and it's all so rosey-mantic and fuzzy around the edges and don't get me started on the superior knowing glances and smug comments that they, the childbearer, give me, the childless.

Shivers26

I would never ever tell horror stories about labour / birth. I dont have any to tell anyway! I have given birth twice and both times were just fine. Neither labour was horrendously long and I had pain relief on both.

I am the only person out of my oldest (school) friends who has children and my friends are fascinated with talking about the whole process and I am not one bit bothered. I would much rather talk about shoes!! I never understand people who tell their labour and birth stories in gruesome detail to pregnant women or people who have not yet had children.

Also, I have never needed one stitch and I didnt get even one stretch mark so its not always bad!

Maple

Shivers26 wrote: »

I am the only person out of my oldest (school) friends who has children and my friends are fascinated with talking about the whole process and I am not one bit bothered. I would much rather talk about shoes!! I never understand people who tell their labour and birth stories in gruesome detail to pregnant women or people who have not yet had children.

I see your point, there's a fine line between sharing and oversharing. Also again there's a fine line between wanting to acknowledge the birth of the baby and then the birth of the baby becoming the sole topic of conversation.

My sister recently gave birth, it was a tough labour, I spoke to her immediately afterwards and the conversation we had then was pretty much the same conversation we had for the next 2 days as she was exhausted and her brain was mush. We had a good chat about the gory details, she's my sister and best friend and I wanted to share this life-changing experience and we're open on pretty much every topic. Honestly my poor vagina was so frightened that I was tempted to sew it up but then when I see my niece and how proud and delighted and in love my sister is with her then I'm not so frightened anymore and look forward to the day when I, fingers crossed, get to experience that for myself.

novarock

Im engaged to a student midwife - you have it easy. I get daily updates. I know way too much about childbirth for a man...

DubMedic

novarock wrote: »

Im engaged to a student midwife - you have it easy. I get daily updates. I know way too much about childbirth for a man...

Birth is a wonderful thing. You can never know too much about it.

Wibbs

I hope to never find out TBH.

Novella

I understand where people are coming from with the not wanting to hear the gory details but I really can't envisage anything more perfect than giving birth. My friend has a little girl and every so often we have a conversation about the labour and delivery. While it does sound awful and sometimes leaves me crossed legged and wincing in imaginary pain, when I see her look at her daughter, I know it all pales in comparison.

Many people say they'd do anything for their children so I guess that starts right at the beginning, right before that baby even takes its first breath. I like hearing birth stories because tbh, I'm pretty fascinated by the love a mother has for her child. It is amazing that something can cause you a sheer amount of physical pain and that very same thing make you forget all about it the moment they are placed on your chest.

sam34

i guess it bothers me when it becomes the sole topic of conversation that people have, and they dont grasp that other people are not interested in repeatedly hearing about it.

Ickle Magoo

I think the graphic birth stories just make a better story - you tend to hear about them most along with the 2hr labour & delivery stories which are at each end of the spectrum.

On the other hand, giving birth to some women can be fairly traumatic & it can be quite useful to know that. I got 15 mins notice that my wee man was coming by emergency section 6 weeks early and I didn't get to see him for three days other than a photo the special care baby unit nurses gave me. Just thinking of some of the things we went through still brings me to tears and so while you may think it's a bunch of silly women trading battle scars, it can be quite cathartic to know you weren't the only one who didn't manage a textbook delivery. :cool:

Mind you, it's not something I tend to discuss over a cuppa with people I don't know...

Some times its just too much information!....the thing to remember is there's an emotional side to pain as well as the actual experience of pain...so everyone is going to experience it differently...

CathyMoran

Novella wrote: »

I understand where people are coming from with the not wanting to hear the gory details but I really can't envisage anything more perfect than giving birth. My friend has a little girl and every so often we have a conversation about the labour and delivery. While it does sound awful and sometimes leaves me crossed legged and wincing in imaginary pain, when I see her look at her daughter, I know it all pales in comparison.

Many people say they'd do anything for their children so I guess that starts right at the beginning, right before that baby even takes its first breath. I like hearing birth stories because tbh, I'm pretty fascinated by the love a mother has for her child. It is amazing that something can cause you a sheer amount of physical pain and that very same thing make you forget all about it the moment they are placed on your chest.

I had an emergency planned c-section 24 days ago with my son and being honest while it could have been easier I have had really painful surgery and that was not it, the love that you feel for your child is beyond everything...even when he is tired I just have to know that he is in this world and it makes me smile...

Snowie

I dont mind women talk about all sorts of gorey things that can happen in child birth.

Tho talking about it in a place where people are eating food to me is a little inconciderate.

midlandsmissus

maple wrote: »

To be honest i'd rather hear these stories than the naff namby pamby let's put a shiny sheen on the childbirth stories. You know the ones whereby the childless ask the childbearer how the labour went and they trill "ooh it was fine, a total doddle, sure a bikini wax is more torturous" and it's all so rosey-mantic and fuzzy around the edges and don't get me started on the superior knowing glances and smug comments that they, the childbearer, give me, the childless.

That's fair enough but I didn't ask and I most certainly didn't want to hear.

I don't mind hearing people talk about having their babies, but how do some women not realise that when they get to the stage of saying how 'their anaesthetic wore off so when the doctor was giving me 17 stitches it was like being sliced inside and out 17 times, I could feel every slice of the scalpel", that they are very much oversharing and no-one wants to hear that..?

iguana

midlandsmissus wrote: »

but how do some women not realise that when they get to the stage of saying how 'their anaesthetic wore off so when the doctor was giving me 17 stitches it was like being sliced inside and out 17 times, I could feel every slice of the scalpel", that they are very much oversharing and no-one wants to hear that..?

Because lots of people do want to hear. If something happens to my friend and it's had a big impact on her then, as long as she wants to share, I want to know. I certainly would never want my friend to hold back for fear that something important to her offends my delicate sensibilities.

When I went to visit my aunt in hospital after her first child, she was there talking about planning the next one and when it would be
So I was a bit taken aback and asked was going through that again not the last thing on her mind. Apparently she had forgotten most of the pain and was happy to think of the next one Maybe she had an easy one, I didn't ask the details
(she just had the second child the other week )

CathyMoran

bluewolf wrote: »

When I went to visit my aunt in hospital after her first child, she was there talking about planning the next one and when it would be
So I was a bit taken aback and asked was going through that again not the last thing on her mind. Apparently she had forgotten most of the pain and was happy to think of the next one Maybe she had an easy one, I didn't ask the details
(she just had the second child the other week )

You really do forget the pain...I think that is why I am not as keen of women saying how painful it is to those who have not had babies as while it may be painful it is worth it and it should never put you off having babies.

xzanti

Thaedydal wrote: »

, but labour and birth, hell yeah it was intense and awesome.

Did you have any pain relief or did you go it alone?

Madame Razz

Meh, I don't actually mind about people talking about childbirth or their labour or whatever. If they happen to talk too much about it well then I just don't listen but appear interested until such time as I can change the subject.

But on the whole it doesn't bother me; and it's sort of interesting too in a way. There are much worse things that people can talk about; much worse. Their bowel movements for example; I find conversations about such things pretty hard to take at the best of times; but especially in a restaurant over food:eek:

Redpunto

I love going into details when specifically one of my hubbies mate is around and theres a few beers flowing, his reaction is always priceless.

Childbirth is not the same for any 2 people, i dont see a problem with women sharing the stories, i think more people should, its such a closed process normally with only the partner there. Years ago there would be relations with you and the kids would be downstairs and it'd be a more shared experience than a "clinical" one. Saying that though the last person i would want to see during labour would be the mother-in-law.

Das Kitty

I had a very arduous and traumatic time giving birth to my son and honestly talking it through with people and writing it down is the only way I got past it. Anyone who asked got told for quite some time.. I remember the first time telling someone "yeah, let's not talk about it." that was a good day, the first day I didn't cry about it. It really hampered me falling in love with my son. It's one thing to have a horror story birth but quite another to go through it and not even experience the love that you're told you will have immediately. I think it can be worse to tell a person the "when you see your baby for the first time it'll all be worth it" thing. Because nothing smacks like the guilt of not feeling that.

Kooli

Das Kitty wrote: »

I had a very arduous and traumatic time giving birth to my son and honestly talking it through with people and writing it down is the only way I got past it. Anyone who asked got told for quite some time.. I remember the first time telling someone "yeah, let's not talk about it." that was a good day, the first day I didn't cry about it. It really hampered me falling in love with my son. It's one thing to have a horror story birth but quite another to go through it and not even experience the love that you're told you will have immediately. I think it can be worse to tell a person the "when you see your baby for the first time it'll all be worth it" thing. Because nothing smacks like the guilt of not feeling that.

Thanks for sharing that. Seriously. People keeping quiet about this kind of thing is part of what compounds the guilt for each woman who thinks she is the only one. I hope things have improved for you and your little guy!

jill_valentine

Thaedydal wrote: »

What stopped you asking them to change the topic of conversation?
What stopped you walking away?

Involuntarily gritted teeth and crossed legs respectively, I'd imagine.

IvyTheTerrible

I think we're missing the real issue here, the OP gets 30 mins for a coffee break!!

Seriously though, I think it's ok to talk about your experiences, BUT you should have consideration for the time and place. Like don't talk about traumatic/gross things when people are eating. And realise that not everyone is really interested in babies, and that it's not the only subject for conversation.

Shivers26

IvyTheTerrible wrote: »

I think we're missing the real issue here, the OP gets 30 mins for a coffee break!!

Seriously though, I think it's ok to talk about your experiences, BUT you should have consideration for the time and place. Like don't talk about traumatic/gross things when people are eating. And realise that not everyone is really interested in babies, and that it's not the only subject for conversation.

Yep, sums it up nicely.

Dudess

Novella wrote: »

I think it's perfectly fair for a woman to speak about her experience of giving birth, yeah. What a phenomenal thing to do, making a whole new tiny person and giving them life. I have never given birth but I imagine that when or if I do, it'll be one of the biggest moments in my life and something I'll always remember and want to speak about.

I agree, but to talk about a joyous occasion in terms of being an absolute horror?

Novella

Dudess wrote: »

I agree, but to talk about a joyous occasion in terms of being an absolute horror?

Well, it can be a horror. I mean, who wants stitches in their nether regions etc.?! My mam told me that when she was in labour with me, she really thought that she was gonna die and she kept saying to my dad, "I'm sorry you're gonna be alone, I'm so sorry" :pac: She still went on to have another baby though.

The fact that you've made a life inside yourself, that's joyous but I mean if getting that life out hurts, it hurts and there's no point saying, "Ah, it was grand!". I don't think it makes the whole thing any less special. That's just my opinion!

Dudess

Well I'm just saying I think it's possible to acknowledge there is sometimes severe unpleasantness without likening it to a gothic torture. I'm certainly not saying it should be sugarcoated either, but somewhere in the middle...

And also, a bit of reassurance wouldn't go astray that it's not so harsh for all women - it wasn't for my mother, admittedly she's extremely resilient, but it also wasn't so harsh for my gran with any of her five, and she gets freaked over a scratch.

Novella

Dudess wrote: »

And also, a bit of reassurance wouldn't go astray that it's not so harsh for all women - it wasn't for my mother, admittedly she's extremely resilient, but it also wasn't so harsh for my gran with any of her five, and she gets freaked over a scratch.

Oh yeah, I totally agree

Redpunto

Childbirth is a testament to how much pain a women's body can go through without becoming unconcious.

iguana

Dudess wrote: »

And also, a bit of reassurance wouldn't go astray that it's not so harsh for all women -

It's very different for everyone though, my mum describes her labours as being pretty much "push, push, baby." She even had complications with me and the older of my brothers. After me she was haemorrhaging, but the hospital staff never noticed and filled her with packing, so several hours later she collapsed from major blood loss and needed a transfusion. With my brother she had a secondary water sack which her midwife never noticed so he labour was extended by several hours until the shift changed and she got a more attentive midwife. Yet she feels the labours themselves were straightforward and she's had much worse dental visits. But for other people labour can be really horrific. Maybe because they don't deal with things in the same way, or because their labour was awful and has left them with permanent problems.

Yes, females have been giving birth since the evolution of mammals, but while some get through it fairly simply other have been left with permanent damage or even dead. The natural world can be cruel and dangerous, just because childbirth is natural doesn't make it safe or easy. If I was born 50 years before I was there is a good chance my mother would have died from the haemorrhaging she suffered during my birth.

It isn't that long since childbirth carried with it a high risk of death. In fact in a study carried out in 2007 20% of live childbirths in the Sierra Leone resulted in maternal death. Luckily for us in the developed world good, nutrition and healthcare has close to eliminated maternal death from childbirth (Ireland had 0% in the 2007 study), but that doesn't mean that it's not sometimes an agonising, horrific experience.

I don't mind if women tell me their awful birth stories, especially if it is cathartic for them. I do mind when they assume all births are awful as they aren't. Some people have easy births, some have births they liken to running a marathon (exhausting, painful but exhilarating), some find it tough but far from the worst thing that's ever happened them, some have completely different experiences for each birth they have. But I really detest it when anybody assumes that their experience of something is the defining experience, be that birth, parenting, writing a book or having a relationship.

LadyE

I dont mind people talking about it, or myself discussing it. Its nice to share experiences

Im due my second in 12 weeks, and if anyone wants to hear my birth story then I would be more than willing to share it. Its not something to hide

Wibbs

iguana wrote: »

Yes, females have been giving birth since the evolution of mammals, but while some get through it fairly simply other have been left with permanent damage or even dead. The natural world can be cruel and dangerous, just because childbirth is natural doesn't make it safe or easy. If I was born 50 years before I was there is a good chance my mother would have died from the haemorrhaging she suffered during my birth.

+1. Most common cause of death for women in the past. Many women even went to convents to avoid it. While childbirth is natural, humans have one more complication than other mammals or great apes, the size of our heads. Even the squidgy heads of babies that evolved to compensate can't get away from this fact. Even normal fully developed babies are at birth still embryos in a way. One reason why we are so underdeveloped compared to say chimps at birth. We're more like marsupials in that we continue our gestation outside of the womb. Basically because our heads would get too big otherwise(and if womens hips got any bigger they wouldnt be able to walk). So birth is a much more potentially traumatic event for human females.

Now people vary so much, so for some women its a lot easier than others, but that shouldnt negate how difficult it can be for others. Some women can be left with permanent reminders.

Wibbs

LadyE wrote: »

I dont mind people talking about it, or myself discussing it. Its nice to share experiences

Im due my second in 12 weeks, and if anyone wants to hear my birth story then I would be more than willing to share it. Its not something to hide

Congrats!

Ickle Magoo

Wibbs wrote: »

Some women can be left with permanent reminders.

True, some families in fact. My mother-in-law's mother died giving birth to her little brother - unsurprisingly, births make their family rather anxious and the history gives births an extra bit of a sad "reminder" dimension.

bambera

I once fainted when my boyfriends uncle started to talk about a burst blood vessel in his nose. I don't think I could handle childbirth talk.

chocgirl

I don't mind the birth stories in general. I'm not squemish and think that most mothers only talk about it because it was such an important experience in their life.

What I do really hate though is the patronising mothers who reckon they're the only ones who can handle it. There was a particularly bad group of them where I used to work, one of them felt it necessary to proclaim that myself and another similar aged colleague wouldn't be able to handle it.

ck3960

i've no kids (yet!) but as a midwife can i offer a prespective on this?
i've looked after countless women who come in to me terrified because of horror stories others have told them. i always ask my patients what they are most of afraid of so i can try and ease their mind a bit.
you wouldnt believe some of the things these poor women have been fretting about for months prior to their labours, purely because someone told them their story of a friend of a friend of a friend....
as far a stitches goes, we never count how many sutures we put in because its all one continous one.

"oh well my friends labour lasted 4 days!" we always hear this one, some women count from when they get their first twinge until the baby is born. its not labour when your gettin a "twinge" every hour or two. the average length of an active labour is 7 hours. rarely more than 12.

the length of the epidural needle is another one- the men generally bring this one up. some seem to be under the impression that its the length of a pitch fork or somethin. if someone asks me this, i just show it to them. and trust me, if u want an epidural- u wont care how big it is! also just because your sister/friend/ cousin/ had a drug-free labour doesnt mean that you have to. some women have easier labours-fact!!

anyway what i'm tryin to say is, take these stories with a pinch of salt. not that i'm saying people are lying, just some bits remembered different. everybodies experience is different. most are really positive, and you dont hear stories about those positive things. like how it feels when that baby is placed in your arms

also talk to your midwife, ask us questions, dont sit there and worry about
it. thats what we're here for