Moving out, parents and the like

LegacyUser

Time to put the kettle on before reading this post. It could take a while.

Going unregistered for this, first time post in this forum. Let me provide some background. I'm 24, going on 25 and male. Spent the last few years in college, across the country. Came home perhaps once a month, and usually not keen on doing so. Have g/f, long distance (not by choice!) since just before college years began. Between the two of us its going really well. She has finished college a year, mixture of self-employed and working for someone else now, and enjoys her work. Not making millions, but getting along nicely. I've had to retake a class in order to get a postgraduate degree, doing it part-time. Technically speaking I'm available for work (and in fact, have been seeking work- sadly have a few PFOs to prove it) and have been signing on since December, but no payments made to me yet. Herself has moved out of home, but lives very close to her parents. I get on really, really well with her family, and they treat me like part of their own family.

So. Therein lies part of the problem. Being treated "like family" isn't flowing both ways, and my g/f does not like visiting me (I'm still living at home with parents) because of that, though she says its the attitude of my mother is the problem. My mother seems to be of the opinion that she is to be kept at arms distance in case things don't work out. Hmm. My opinion on that is that such a view is more likely to ensure things don't "work out". This viewpoint has been one of the points of strain betwene myself and my parents. I'm generally a private enough person, regarded as the quiet one in our family. I like being able to work things out for myself; my reason being, I'm an adult, I shouldn't be running to people for help whenever I meet a problem.

I already mentioned being the "quiet one" at home. I have no problem talking about football, the weather, an interesting newspaper article...but things like "how do I feel?" and the like- more personal issues, I suppose- I prefer to internalise or discuss with my g/f. In saying that, I have discussed what I want as a career with my parents (a career choice they have no problem with, though the public service recruitment ban is a teeny weeney problem at the moment...) and they know that I want to move out of home and have wanted to do so for a while now.

(If you're still reading, pat yourself on the back- you're almost there)

And yet- they don't consider that I "talk" to them. Apparently it's something that's been happening since I was about 17/18. We've been to a counsellor about it, at the "suggestion" of my parents. My parents want our relationship to develop in a certain way, while I am (for the most part) happy with things the way they are; in saying that, I want the "frostiness" that exists when my parents and I are in the same room to go away. Their view is that I should sort our issues out, find a fulltime, permanent job (ha!) and then moving out won't be a problem. My own wish is to move in with g/f, find a job down where she lives, and if nothing comes up in the meantime, I'll at least have my social welfare benefits to act as a safety net. If I stay at home I won't get those benefits, be away from Herself, and generally be miserable.

So...(a) should I act unilaterally, announcing "I'm moving out!" while leaving parents unsatisfied with my new living arrangements (it's more the fact that I'm not walking into a job that is a problem, and on that I agree with them. I'd much rather be the main provider, but I won't be, and so I'll just have to live with it for the moment), (b) stay at home and try and sort things out, or (c )...other?

Thank-you for your time...if you have questions post them and I'll try to answer them for you.

mentosgum

mentosgum wrote: »

I already mentioned being the "quiet one" at home. I have no problem talking about football, the weather, an interesting newspaper article...but things like "how do I feel?" and the like- more personal issues, I suppose- I prefer to internalise or discuss with my g/f.

And yet- they don't consider that I "talk" to them. Apparently it's something that's been happening since I was about 17/18. We've been to a counsellor about it, at the "suggestion" of my parents. My parents want our relationship to develop in a certain way.

I'm kinda surprised you even went to the counselling about it. I was the same at home as well, maybe it was a need to feel more independent since I couldn't live away from home at the time.
Tbh I don't think it's a massive problem, maybe sit with them and have a chat and tell them you don't really work that way but it doesn't mean you don't care. Then move out! I think you'll find your relationship will improve a lot more once you have your own space!
Maybe they feel bad about it since you're not a kid anymore and you have your own life now, but that's natural. They can't really expect you to chatter away about everything like you may have done as a kid.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

I'm kinda surprised you even went to the counselling about it. I was the same at home as well, maybe it was a need to feel more independent since I couldn't live away from home at the time.
Tbh I don't think it's a massive problem, maybe sit with them and have a chat and tell them you don't really work that way but it doesn't mean you don't care. Then move out! I think you'll find your relationship will improve a lot more once you have your own space!
Maybe they feel bad about it since you're not a kid anymore and you have your own life now, but that's natural. They can't really expect you to chatter away about everything like you may have done as a kid.

Thanks for your reply. I suppose I went to the counsellor out of curiosity, to see what he had to say about things, but also to have abit of peace at home. We'd come home from those sessions and try to talk about issues raised. A few things came up, but the big two for me were (1) my mother telling me she can't trust me and (2) being told by my parents that I have a problem, and only I can sort things out...I was being compared to an alcoholic who cannot see that they have a drink problem.
While after our last two sessions I had a desire to try and sort things as they counsellor suggested, it didn't really happen. He felt there was a vicious circle in operation: I don't talk to parents because of fear of reaction -> parents get annoyed when I don't talk things through with them (they seem to prefer that style of making decisions) -> I see their reaction and say to myself "Told you so!" -> circle continues.

Ickle Magoo

I think it's perfectly possible to love our parents and yet not want to be their best mate. I'm the same with mine. Ironically now that I live in another country, we've never gotten on better. :pac:

Your parents clearly care enough about your relationship to go along to counselling with you, is it possible to request a family meeting with the intention of thrashing out all the issues at hand? Everyone laying their cards on the table, so to speak? Irish mammy syndrome is internationally recognised, she needs to know it's irritating you to the point you want to move out and I think they also have to acknowledge that we all reach a point where we no longer run everything past mum & dad for approval or opinion.

It sounds very much like you are well past being ready to move out but you have no means to - and much as living with the gf away from home must seem like bliss, I think being unemployed is possibly one of the most stressful things that can happen to a relationship - doubly so if one party is still earning. I don't think moving in with something for the first time knowing you can't pay the bills or rent, never mind have a bit of fun is a particularly good idea.

Sorry OP, not what you wanted to hear, I know.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I think it's perfectly possible to love our parents and yet not want to be their best mate. I'm the same with mine. Ironically now that I live in another country, we've never gotten on better. :pac:

Your parents clearly care enough about your relationship to go along to counselling with you, is it possible to request a family meeting with the intention of thrashing out all the issues at hand? Everyone laying their cards on the table, so to speak? Irish mammy syndrome is internationally recognised, she needs to know it's irritating you to the point you want to move out and I think they also have to acknowledge that we all reach a point where we no longer run everything past mum & dad for approval or opinion.

It sounds very much like you are well past being ready to move out but you have no means to - and much as living with the gf away from home must seem like bliss, I think being unemployed is possibly one of the most stressful things that can happen to a relationship - doubly so if one party is still earning. I don't think moving in with something for the first time knowing you can't pay the bills or rent, never mind have a bit of fun is a particularly good idea.

Sorry OP, not what you wanted to hear, I know.

Best of luck.

Good of you to reply, thanks I agree with you about being unemployed; I've at least had the "distraction" of part-time college to keep thoughts of that at bay until now. And I can understand entirely why there would be opposition to moving out when I'm in the situation I'm in. Perhaps I'm pigheaded, but it feels like a natural progression for us. We've been going out years and realise living together (while both working) will be tough. The difficulty I see is that there's no end in site if I'm waiting for a job, can you see what I mean?