Should I stay or should I go???

bellacay

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for the last five years. We own a home together and have been happy for most of the time we've known each other. He is romantic, caring and successful.We had often talked about having a family in the future. But last night, completely out of the blue, he told me that he does not believe in marriage and that even if he did decide to get married he definately does not want to have children. I don't know what to do. I love him very deeply but I know that I want to have children in the future and that my life would be incomplete if I didn't. Do I stay with him and hope that he may some day change his mind? Or do I leave now and break my own heart???? Help!

Miss Fluff

It's really shocking that neither topic has been brought up and discussed at length (by either of you!) in the five years you have been together. That's what I'm assuming anyway. Unless he has just done a monumental U-turn and changed his mind but I'm sure you would have said that.

I wouldn't advise hanging around doing your best to PURSUADE a man to marry you. Surely it's better that a man is jumping through hoops to marry you if he knows it's of importance to you? (I have a friend who is with her loser bf of 12 years now and she is honestly trying to shoe-horn him in to marriage and he's having none of it).

So in answer to your question, if you love him more than the idea of marriage and kids then stay with him. Marriage isn't the be all and end all of everything so if you value being with him more it shouldn't be an issue. If you want that security and want to build a family around kids then I wouldn't hang around holding your breath when he has explicitly said he is not interested in either.

Ickle Magoo

I think you need to sit him down and have an honest discussion about why he's suddenly moved the goal posts and I'd make sure you point out that it's a potential deal breaker.

You have a load of questions you need to ask him. Is he scared of commitment? Is it something that's freaking him out? Did he always feel this way and is just being honest now? If you stayed and fell pregnant in the next 10-15yrs, what would he do? What would he expect you to do? You need to find out what's going on in his head and if he's resolute, you need to work out what you really want from life.

If he's made up his mind I think sitting around hoping he'll change it is a recipe for disaster. He may never change his mind and you'll be left at 46, unmarried and childless and resenting the hell out of him...or you stay and he knows you aren't really happy with the status quo and it will just tear you apart, slowly and painfully.

I think you need to have a long chat with him and then decide what you want yourself Vs what he is prepared to give you.

Best of luck

G-Money

In my mind it's pretty simple. If you are certain you definitely want children and if he is certain he doesn't, you have to end it. You could hang on in the hope that he changes his mind, but if he doesn't, you could end up resenting him, even though he's told you now that he doesn't want children. Although it's unfortunate that he seems to have wanted them at some point judging by your post.

If he definitely doesn't want children, are you willing to sacrifice having them so that you can stay with him and if so, can you do it without eventually resenting him?

You probably need to have a full and honest chat with him about it and see what he says.

All the best.