Should I contact her?

LegacyUser

I'll try and keep this short.

About 1997 I worked accross the pond in the hotel industry and worked with a great girl. We became close as friends only and confided in each other a lot. Anyway, she got married and so did I and I moved away and she moved back to Ireland with Husband and child. We kept in touch by phone very regularly. Shortly after, she told me she had split up with her husband. We chatted again very regularly and one night during a phone call she told me that she had always had feelings for me. I told her that I had for her too but nalways kept them to myself for fear of rocking the boat. Anyway we arranged that I'd go over and see her and we both knew that visit would have ended in us taking things much further. As I said earlier I was married at the time so at the last minute I decided not to go. Anyway, things cooled between us again but we remained in touch. Soon after she told me she had met someone else. Later she had a baby with him. I decided at that stage to cut off contact as my marriage had fallen apart at this stage and my head was all over the place and I didn't want to upset her new relationship either. Anyway clock moves on and I moved back to Ireland last year. I found out she has had another baby with this guy. I haven't spoken to her for around four years and so miss her friendship. I wouldn't want to do anything to damage her relationship as I care for her and her happiness too much and I know first hand how much pain a split causes everyone but I would love to renew our friendship. So. My question: Do I call her?

seenitall

Don't call her. You are now unattached and probably lonely and it is pretty obvious that what is going on here is an idealisation of a married woman and "what could have been", that would turn into "what could still be?" given half a chance (like regular contact). I wouldn't be saying this if it was another female friend you were attracted to or if she wasn't married, but you are talking about someone you have a fairly loaded history with, BUT she is unavailable at the moment.

So try and not delude yourself with this: "I wouldn't want to do anything to damage her relationship as I care for her and her happiness too much and I know first hand how much pain a split causes everyone but I would love to renew our friendship."

It's a delusion, and a dangerous one at that. It is not true. You are not being honest with yourself if you are trying to justify your desire to contact her with that sentence.

Your original decision to cut contact with her while your marriage was falling apart was the right one for both your sakes, and nothing has changed that would warrant a change in that decision, apart from you moving on from divorce and feeling lonely now. For both your sakes, stick to your decision, stop dwelling on this woman, and direct your energies towards finding a free, single woman for yourself.

LegacyUser

I think you have me wrong. I have no intentions other than friendship. If I had, even before I would have acted on them when I had the chance. I'm not that type. I wouldn't damage her relationship.

LegacyUser

Well, if you are sure that friendship is all you want, and whatever feelings you had for her are behind you, I don't see the problem in contacting her. It is very possible that she has gotten over her feelings for you too, after all this time.

Respect some boundaries, though. She is married, and you shouldn't expect your friendship with her to be quite as close as it probably once was (don't pressure her into confiding/relying on each other quite so much).

Good luck.

jdivision

Cronky wrote: »

I wouldn't damage her relationship.

Just coming back into her life could do that though. It might be unintentional on your part but could still happen.

seenitall

OK Cronky. I happen to not believe your motivation (even if I believe that you think it is genuine), but that is ok, with some luck there will be other posters on here who will disagree with me.

I am sorry but the way it reads to me, your post reeks of deep unresolved feelings for the woman. Friendship is certainly not the first word that springs to mind, no matter how many times you write it.

If I were you I would ask yourself this: "If I were in a secure and loving relationship right now, would I still want to contact this woman?"

Hey, if I am wrong, you have nothing to worry about.

Wishing you all the best.