Suicidal Girlfriend

LegacyUser

I've been going out with a girl for two months. I think she's a wonderful person, very kind and sweet, but she's had a lot of problems. She was molested as a child, and last year she was raped. And for many years she's been struggling with depression and panic attacks.
She mentioned a few weeks ago that she felt suicidal at times. I told she should see a therapist. She said she tried that last year, but it made her feel worse.
I said she should speak to a doctor about antidepressents. But she refuses to do so, saying that she heard that it actually makes you more suicidal. (I find this hard to believe. Aren't they supposed to do the exact opposite?)

Anyway, last night she asked if I had any painkillers. I went upstairs and got her a couple. She asked where I kept them, I told her, but then thought about it thought it was a little odd, so when she went to the toilet, I got them all and hid them.
15 minutes or so later, when I was getting ready for bed, she came in and asked me where the painkillers were. I lied and said I gave her the last 2.

A little later, in bed, she said that she was going to commit suicide by swallowing loads of painkillers. She broke down in tears, sobbing "This is my life, isn't it? I'm always gonna feel like this." She's normally very closed off with her emotions. I'd never seen her cry before that.

I tried to reassure her that it's only a temporary thing, but she wasn't listening to it.

Now I'm really worried about her. I don't know what to do. She's obviously in a difficult place. But I think she's a little mentally unbalanced. I'm fairly sure she's not going to commit suicide. If she really wanted to die, she would have done it at home, rather than my house, wouldn't she? Also, she wouldn't tell me, would she?

I would have said it's a cry for help. But she seems unreasonably opposed to actually getting any professional help.

The other, issue is I want to break up with her. This relationship's not working. We don't seem to be on the same wavelength. And as selfish as it sounds, I'm tired of being emotionally manipulated by her.
But I do care about her. And I don't want her to harm herself. She is really into me. She doesn't really have any good friends, and I'm worried that me breaking up with her will push her over the edge. I know I cant control what she does, but I really don't want anything bad to happen to her.

One thought I had was of somehow making her want to break up with me, but that could make her feel just as bad, if not worse. So I don't know what to do.

AnnyHallsal

Could you talk to her family? It's an awful lot to have on your plate.

Gyalist

As regrettable as her problems are, they are not yours to solve. As it is she seems to be holding the threat of suicide over you. There's no easy way to break up so you just have to do it. If she threatens suicide afterwards, let her parents know but you must not get involved with trying to sort out her problems.

anomalous

i know she doesn't want to but you should try to get her to get counseling and to try antidepressants

talking to her family would be a good idea if they are supportive of her since she doesnt really have any friends to fall back on

LegacyUser

Please do not push antidepressants on her if she is not willing... they absolutely can have suicidal effects (not with everyone but it does happen), and I'm speaking from personal experience. Her issues are deep and horrific, and tablets won't cure her. If she is willing; an EXPERIENCED psychologist in the area of abuse would help and possibly a few sessions a week...

I do wish you all the best. I know you can't make her do anything, but the best you can do is try and keep your own head together and be as hopeful as possible that things will turn around. Take care

Novella

Woah, I really sympathise with the situation you are in, that can't be easy at all. You sound like a lovely person, so I do think that she is lucky to have you around, even if not as a boyfriend.

I'm not really sure what advice to give you. Perhaps you should tell her that the relationship isn't working out because it is so hard for the two of you to be on the same wavelength when she is so down etc. Tell her that you do really care about her and want to help her. You need to encourage her to speak to her GP and her parents, if at all possible.

It's not fair on you to be carrying the weight of someone else's problems and the way I see it, the longer you let this go on for, the harder it'll be for both you and for her when you do eventually break up.

Best of luck, I hope things work out.

Kimono-Girl

coming at this after being in your girlfriends position years ago, you should consider the following,

as awful as it sounds you need to bite the bullet and break up with her, in the end it will be in her best interests and yours, you will never fix her and she will not get better with you around to depend on, all you will do is cause alot more stress for you, and delay any hope she has of getting help,

you will not want to hear this but breaking up with her will more than likely push her over the edge but you need to be strong and just stay away from her regardless if she tries to make contact or not as hard as it will be sometimes just don't give in and talk to her, you'll end up hurting her more if you do, and just keep assuring yourself that if she does attempt anything stupid there is an excellent service in place by the HSE that will see her getting the help she needs from people who can help her e.g family and professionals.

you cannot blame yourself for something she does, its her problem and her choice and under no circumstances have you any control over it, you just have to try and forget about her and move on, it sounds cold hearted but then she has serious issues and you aren't qualified to deal with them.

i really hope it works out for both you and her! good luck.

LegacyUser

A few people have suggested telling her parents. I'm not sure if this is such a good idea. She's from a different country, and she has said that where she's from, they see depression as a type of craziness. That people with it, deserve to be locked up.

I think her parents have somehow conditioned her to think this. I've tried to explain that it's a sickness. As I put it "If you had a problem with your liver, you'd go see a doctor, take liver pills. If you have a problem with your brain, why wouldn't you do the same thing?"

I really want her to be in better hands, if I break up with her. If I could at least see that she's taking steps to get better, I'd feel alright about it.

LegacyUser

First of all, wow, I feel really bad for both of you after reading your post. Although my situation was very different, I know what it's like to be tied down to a very depressive/dependant person that you care about, and how hard it is to try and break away.

You say that her parents aren't really and option and that she doesn't have many good friends. Is there anyone else in her life? Is she completely alone in Ireland? It would definitely be nice if you told somebody who cares for her.

Do not try to force her to take antidepressants, though. She is right in saying that they can make some people more suicidal, and especially if she begins taking them with her mind set like this, it could end badly.

Do insist on coucelling. Tbh I am surprised she has never seen a councelor before, considering the stuff she's been though. Maybe even call a Rape Crisis Centre (if you think her issues are still related to that) and ask for advice on what kind of professional/therapy could help her best.

You definitely don't have to continue to be in a relationship with her out of fear for her well-being. She is an adult, and you are not responsible for her. Definitely try and help her to the best of your ability, but don't feel guilty because you can't fix her problems, it's too much responsability to put on one person.

Best of luck.