Men vs. Women re: attraction

liah

A friend of mine said this to me and I've been wondering about it since, mainly because I wonder about a lot of useless things, but, what can I say, I'm curious.

She said that, according to what she's learned from growing up with 3 brothers, when men first see and/or meet an attractive woman, generally they automatically sexualise them (ah sure I'd give 'er one), whereas when women first see and/or meet an attractive man, they acknowledge that he is attractive, but perhaps more appreciate the aesthetics of it rather than immediately jump to an "I'd jump his bones" state of mind, and sexualisation tends to materialize over time.

Do you find this to be true for yourself or people you know?

Personally the female side of it tends to ring true for me. If I see a guy who's attractive I think "well damn, he's attractive," (sort of the same way I'd appreciate that another female was attractive, if you know what I mean?) but it's not often I'd immediately make the jump to what I want to do to them in bed later. For myself it tends to take a bit of time before I create any fantasies in my head.

That said, I can't possibly know if the other side is true, or if it's just a way to write men off. I'm assuming the latter. Your thoughts?

Herbal Deity

liah wrote: »

when some groups of men discuss an attractive woman, generally they exaggerate the degree to which they sexualise them (ah sure I'd give 'er one)

FYP.

I honestly think that that's all just posturing and bravado.

Wibbs

IMHO anyway I would say both men and women are the same pretty much. Like in 99.99999% of things. The difference comes out in explanation. The difference that women tend in general to couch the feelings in more layered, less overt terms. Probably for good(if dubious) social reasons and conditioning. "I felt the spark/he swept me off my feet/it was love at first sight"(all phrases much less overheard in men) seems a better bet than "oh god I wanted to have* him so badly" and because of that social conditioning are more likely add a layer of romance/kismet to explain it away.

I would even go so far as to say that IME women are more driven by their crotch than men. Certainly to a more destructive degree. Maybe because men know they're led by the crotch and acknowledge that more readily, they're more immunised to the effect?

I've known more women to stay with complete dicks and very unhealthy romantic choices than men. We all, I suspect know the type. Faced with a choice between a seemingly nice chap and a guy who appears to be a twat, chooses the twat. Why? Precisely because they "feel it" for the twat. What they're usually feeling is sexual. Men can get into a similar vibe, but are usually more aware of it. The exceptions tend to be guys who have less sexual success in general and feel the woman they have managed to get is "out of their league".

The other aspect is that again in general women are making the choice in the first place. Its a sellers market. Men may say "oooh Id do her", but women have more of a choice in reality. So they can be more "picky". They have to be too. The plainest woman has had more come ons before shes 25 than most men have had in their entire lives. This adds an extra layer to the whole thing. For a not so plain woman? quadruple that. So they can afford to be and have to be more circumspect, as they have more to lose, but at the same time when a guy comes in that gives them a wide on, all bets are off.

I'd add that Ive noticed among my women mates that they go with their "gut" much more. And are convinced this is the better bet. Now I too go with my gut at times and it can defo be useful, but objectively looking back the gut as a litmus test lost out to simple common sense in most cases.

My rambling three cents :o:D


*wrong verb to protect the innocent.

Piriz

'Wide on'..:D Genius!!

Bottle_of_Smoke

Interesting post. I'm actually male and have made comments like "she'd get it" etc, but in my head I don't actually think about having sex with her. The throught process for me would actually be identical to yours OP

minidazzler

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Interesting post. I'm actually male and have made comments like "she'd get it" etc, but in my head I don't actually think about having sex with her. The throught process for me would actually be identical to yours OP

Same, what I say in the company of other lads...and in some cases to the girl (if it's called for) and the way I actually think of them are way different.

I will generally see a girl as attractive first, and as a sexual thing second.

But the first thing out of my mouth would be (if talking to the lads) something along the lines of "Jaysus, she's a lasher" or to a lesser extent "Lads, I are in love! " if she is particularily attractive.

SugarHigh

Wibbs wrote: »

I would even go so far as to say that IME women are more driven by their crotch than men. Certainly to a more destructive degree. Maybe because men know they're led by the crotch and acknowledge that more readily, they're more immunised to the effect?

I agree with this 100%

It's like when women say they prefer a good sense of humour over looks but I bet a stunning looking guy would get more laughs out of the same joke than an ugly bloke, men do the same thing but I think more men realise the large part looks played.

beks101

minidazzler wrote: »

I will generally see a girl as attractive first, and as a sexual thing second.

Ditto, with a guy. A cute guy will always spark intrigue in me, naturally enough, and then if I catch a glimpse of an interesting personality, the sexual thing will come into play.

I agree with Wibbs though in that we ladies are quite possibly more ruled by sexual attraction, it's just that many of us feel the need to dress it up in 'great sense of humour', 'great chemistry' cliches, because that is more socially accepted and maybe more reassuring to us too - that the attraction is deeper than just a primal animal instinct.

Personally though, meeting a guy and immediately wanting to jump his bones is not that rare an event. Happens quite often actually

krudler

I agree that women sexualise men just as much, if not more than men do them. I've been on plenty of nights out with female friends and watched them go gaga over some guy who strolled into a club, he could have the presonality of a wet teatowel but he's a hunk, so they can look past that. People can say that tired old "i prefer personality over looks" cliche but not at first glance you dont, you could be unattractive in an immediate physical sense but the most caring, funny person ever. and vice versa, but in a pub/club environment you cant see a persons personality on the surface, its all about immediate physical attraction.

Novella

It's funny, if I saw a guy and thought, "Dayum, he is so hot", I'd most likely follow that up by thinking, "Wonder what he studies in college / what his favourite book is / if he likes to listen to songs on repeat for hours on end"! It'd never be enough for me, just to be attracted to someone simply because they are hot. I'd always want some other kind of connection.
I think that maybe women are more likely to want more than just a physical attraction, or at least more likely to voice it.

I mean, I've gotten to know guys I once thought were really attractive and when we just had nothing in common or whatever, well, they suddenly didn't seem so good looking anymore. I dunno. Attraction for me is just more than, "Wow, look at him!". I'm sure it's probably the same for some men.

Basically, I don't really think there's a huge difference between how a woman feels attraction and how a man does. Maybe they just express what they are feeling differently.

Exile 1798

A comedian once said that comparing the male sexual drive to the female one is like the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing one.

I think this is generally true. To say women view men instantly, constantly and viscerally as sexually in the same way as men do women I think is a denial of reality.

It's not at all macho one-up-men-ship the way men talk amongst themselves about women they see - it's how most men actually think. If most women felt the same way then no one would be posting on boards.ie right now, we'd all be having sex...

jellie

It depends on how theyre presented. If i meet them in a pub, or work, or wherever then yes its probably more of a "wow hes hot!!" rather than "omg i want him!!".

the only exception would be if theyre for some reason semi naked already, e.g. on a beach in swimming shorts & dripping with water or something basically put a hot man in a sexy scenario & the thoughts change :pac:

Wibbs

Exile 1798 wrote: »

A comedian once said that comparing the male sexual drive to the female one is like the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing one.

I think this is generally true. To say women view men instantly, constantly and viscerally as sexually in the same way as men do women I think is a denial of reality.

Could be biology too. Men's reproductive mechanism is more scattergun in approach. I theory a man can have literally 100's of children(I think the record was some sultan who had 800), so the instantly and constantly part is more obvious and less focused. Women can at best have 10-15 children, so their approach is more focused. They've more to lose.

So yes men may "instantly, constantly and viscerally" sexualise more women they see, but a woman will "instantly, constantly and viscerally" sexualise a particular man and often more strongly.

It's not at all macho one-up-men-ship the way men talk amongst themselves about women they see - it's how most men actually think. If most women felt the same way then no one would be posting on boards.ie right now, we'd all be having sex...

I've had a good few women mates in my life. Just mates too so maybe they would be more open around me(even maybe more than with some of their women friends). I can only report my experiences, but women are not that different at all in that regard. Some aren't particularly lecherous, some are. Some aren't vocal, some are. Just like men. In male company its expected to go "phwooooaw Id do her", in female company it's much less so, which also skews the picture. I've known many men who feel uncomfortable in that milieu, but go along with it for social reasons. As they get older and more comfortable in their own skin they do it far less.

Ask people into alternative sexual lifestyles like swinging etc and they'll usually tell you that women are far more sexually up for it than men.

Snowie

my head hurts.. this thread has left steam in my sittin room i have to take a brek there so many answers and reason to why people do that but prersonally...

Im like hmmm nice... but if i she start showing things like intelgence flirting...

I then begin to think about it i cant say every woman i see i want to bone because nah dont happen i mean thereres more to attraction then just how shes looks i mean theres how she behevaes is she flirty confident...and weather she can dress well

Earthhorse

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

Interesting post. I'm actually male and have made comments like "she'd get it" etc, but in my head I don't actually think about having sex with her. The throught process for me would actually be identical to yours OP

Agreed. It's just "our" way of commenting on a girl that's good looking, I doubt it's actually accompanied by any mental visualisation of the deed.

Novella wrote: »

I mean, I've gotten to know guys I once thought were really attractive and when we just had nothing in common or whatever, well, they suddenly didn't seem so good looking anymore. I dunno. Attraction for me is just more than, "Wow, look at him!". I'm sure it's probably the same for some men.

I'd say it's the same for most men actually. If I think of all the girls I know I'm not necessarily attracted to the best looking ones there has to be something more to it that really lures you toward a person.

redfacedbear

I've found that my own internal reaction to an attractive girl can vary depending on how horny I am. If I'm recently sated I'm much more likely to react with a 'wow, she's pretty' but once a few days go by I'm much more likely to give a visceral 'phwoar', to the same girl. I'm assuming there's some kind of corelation between the amount of testosterone floating around in my system and how I re-act.

seenitall

"Women can at best have 10-15 children"

Technically not true (unfortunately, prob). Read about some Scottish granny (of Irish extraction, naturellement ) in the Sunday Times a few years ago, she had 27 kids, and has some utterly ridiculous number of grandchildren now. Must have been constantly preggers from 16 to 46...

What do you say about the theory (where studies have been done and crop up in press every so often) that women are most attracted to obvious hunky types around the time of their ovulation, and to unassuming, average looking types at all other times? They came to this conclusion by showing women pics of these two types of men at different points in their cycle and asking them to choose.

As for the original topic, I must admit that I feel attraction instinctively. Instinct when talking about attraction usually means sexual attraction. I do feel desire straightaway, am a "gut" person. The difference may be that I am always well aware of it, but of course I am not going to come out with "Oooh I'd do HIM", it's just not done. And anyway, it hasn't been working for me at all. More detrimental than anything else.

Wibbs

seenitall wrote: »

"What do you say about the theory (where studies have been done and crop up in press every so often) that women are most attracted to obvious hunky types around the time of their ovulation, and to unassuming, average looking types at all other times? They came to this conclusion by showing women pics of these two types of men at different points in their cycle and asking them to choose.

Yea apparently women(tm) want high testosterone males to father their children, but low testosterone males to look after said children. Makes some sense I suppose. High test males are more likely to be pushy go getters, but they're also more likely to be aggressive and stray. As sperm donors they may be good, as fathers not so much.

There was one interesting observation that one woman researcher had that came out of that. She noticed that male sex symbols have gotten progressively more baby faced and boyish looking over the last 30 years. Her idea was that more and more women are on the pill, which mimics pregnancy in the body and pregnant women in that study found the hunky types the least attractive of all the women tested.

Another one I read looked at divorce and breakup rates and found a correlation with contraceptive use. A woman who met her partner while on the pill was more likely to leave him, if she came off the pill. Apparently it was statistically significant.

I would say from my own very broad observations,:D that Ive noticed that a fair few women go through the bad boy phase or the social trophy BF phase but when it comes to settling down go for the more stable unassuming beige type man.

*falls on own sword for going off topic* I blame seenitall of course.

Faith

Wibbs wrote: »

Another one I read looked at divorce and breakup rates and found a correlation with contraceptive use. A woman who met her partner while on the pill was more likely to leave him, if she came off the pill. Apparently it was statistically significant.

Yup, I've read studies about that. The pill affects the type of men you're attracted to, so if you meet your partner whilst on the pill, and subsequently come off it, it's quite likely you'll find you're no longer attracted to your partner as much. Scary thought really!

Novella

What about if you meet someone while you're not on the Pill and then go on it? Same effect?

Faith

Novella wrote: »

What about if you meet someone while you're not on the Pill and then go on it? Same effect?

Yeah, I'd imagine so.

Novella

Jeez, that's actually really scary. :eek:

Faith

Here's a link to an article about it.

banshee_bones

Faith wrote: »

Yup, I've read studies about that. The pill affects the type of men you're attracted to, so if you meet your partner whilst on the pill, and subsequently come off it, it's quite likely you'll find you're no longer attracted to your partner as much. Scary thought really!

That is very scary indeed!

Nuggles

To be honest, it depends on the state of undress the man is in.

Sure walking down the street, handsome man walks by, I don't go straight for the I'd jump his bones mind.

But a guy shirtless who has a nice body. . . . I'd be inclined to think "Hell yea!"

bog master

D.R cowboy wrote: »

*Troll post reference snipped*

I find this attitude hard to believe but.....

Yes I agree, its more likely we will develop a relationship with someone from our own socio-economic grouping because we may have more in common. But to dismiss a potential soul mate because of their grammar, or where they live or school they went to is just b**********

Point 4 says it all, you want a trophy wife, not someone you love.

Good luck in your search for such a shallow relationship!

HipLady

hi,
i just read some yr thoughts, interesting...
but i read somewhere that atraction go bouth ways... and unforunately even that we `weemen` do not want to admit it - first its a look and sexuality! and many of us will have an unhappy relationsips just becouse he is only handsome and nothing else...

minidazzler

D.R cowboy wrote: »

*Troll post reference snipped*

Trolling much? (Though I do agree with the grammar thing.)

Wibbs

D.R cowboy banned for a month for trolling. It would have been shorter save for the consistency of your trolling attempts before. Post deleted too

Wibbs

Novella wrote: »

What about if you meet someone while you're not on the Pill and then go on it? Same effect?

Like Faith said and I'd imagine so too. The article she referenced mentions attraction triggers based on whether you have a different immune system to another. It seems women are more attracted to men of different immune system makeup. Which makes sense, less chance of inbreeding or pairing with close family members. This can be influenced by social pressures too. I recall a study of kids from different families raised in communal settings, sought out men and women from outside that community. It was noted first in Israeli kibbutzim. You see the same effect with adopted children. they're not sexually attracted to their adopted siblings, even though biologically that would be fine.

Smell seems to have a large role. If you're raised together the familiar smells put you off sexually. The song "Its in his kiss" may reference this and may explain why women in general have a greater need of kissing and reference it more as a litmus test for feeling it or not. The act transmits immune system and general health information and how compatible you are. I'm sure many people here have been attracted to someone, even very attracted, only to kiss them and feel nada. Indeed that very thing happened to me. Stunning woman, fiercely intelligent and great fun. Major attraction until we kissed. Nothing, nada, zip. On both sides. The brain and eyes said "Christ yes!" the body went "meh".

Plus another one I read suggested that pregnant women found high testosterone men's smells much less attractive. So if the guy you pick while on the pill is close to you in immune makeup and less testosterone its a double whammy, if you came off the pill.

Jeez, that's actually really scary.

Well its really fascinating stuff anyway. I dunno about scary though. While its a cliche to say men are less complex sexually and romantically than women I would suspect there is some truth to it. While men may have the "in her kiss" thing to some degree, our triggers seem more external and visual. Look again at scent. Now I and other men may love the scent of my lover, I wouldnt go as far as to wear one of her tee shirts while she wasn't away from me as a lot of women will do**.

Maybe a broad male equivalent to this pill thing might be; man falls for a woman of a certain bodyshape. Imagine overnight she got heavier or lighter*, he may go off her sexually. It may also depend on how long the relationship is and when she went off the pill. I'd put money that if she went off the pill at 3 years in(end of "honeymoon" period), or two months in(not established yet) then its more likely she'd wake up one morning and just not feel "it" anymore. 20 years in? I doubt it.

Either way, we're more than the sum of our parts and love, yep love comes into it. Plus people differ so much. some pregnant women are mad for sex. Even women who werent that pushed before and other pregnant women cant bear sexual contact. So while it may have a general effect I reckon the effect isnt so strong that its a deciding factor or only part of the yes/no "list" to continue the relationship.

That said I do reckon that two couples I know who did split up and this may have been part of it. Including an ex of mine. We were going pretty well and she went on the pill and not long after it was over. She just didnt feel it anymore. Now looking back on my relationships in 90% of cases with hindsight there were obvious and real reasons on either side why it went tits up, but to this day that particular case is a head scratcher(was for her too).




*may shock some ladies but I know two men who went off a GF for losing weight.

** then again that interesting study of strippers in the US, where the women knew through trial and error that strippers on the pill earned less tips than women who werent. So it seems men are selecting on fertility cues too.

2kool4skool

Have to say the sexual chemistry is particularly strong when you anticipate you are only going to see/meet the woman for a short time (walking/driving by her etc...). If you actually are introduced to a woman in a social setting that is not obviously a potential hunting ground then I find the sexual attraction is almost totally suppressed and I simply discover and find attractive (or not) how kind/humorous/interesting the woman is