Relationship with friends ruined...

LegacyUser

Hey so I have a really terrible problem at the moment. A month ago I did something really bad to my friend, and because she is on this i dont really want to say what.

But it was really awful, I have apologised again and again to her. But she is having none of it. We live together at university. but because we were on holidays i was at home and she wasnt there so we didnt see each other. i txt her a couple of times but she didnt talk back to me, only texting me once asking for her stuff back.

I dont think she thinks i am really remorseful but I have been more or less crying for last month. Went back to uni this week, but moved out of our house. My other roommates text me and i have seen them but they are more or less taking her side I think.

We have a lot of mutual friends together, and she knows some of my friends. I have worked out that she has been going around tellin people she doesnt really know things about me kind of an attempt to stop people being my friends.

I havent said anything about this to her, and the last three days have been dreadful. I really really miss her as a friend and feel really isolated from everything.

So i have been really struggling and everything knowing what to do. So i text her yesterday telling her how sorry i was and things like that and as normal she didnt text back and i understand that. But then I ran into her and she started yelling at me,

and told me she was going to destroy my life. I am terrified and dont know what to do. I feel as if I cant cope with this anymore, and I know I deserve this.

I was just wondering if someone could maybe give me some advice about what to do next... or how to deal with this....

thank you very much

sporina

hi there, i assume this is to do with a guy? you could write her a letter and let her know how you feel?

LegacyUser

its actually not about a guy... i have tried speakin to her, and writing to her but its kinda escalated out of control. ive more or less been alienated outa every thing at uni. and ive had to come home because ive been so upset.

oh and when i bumped into her she told me not to text her anymore...

Ickle Magoo

I know it's horrible making a mistake and not being forgiven for it but that's really your friend's prerogative. If she wants to tell the world what happened and cut you out her life then she has every right to do that, I think it was very unfair to tell her that she was ruining your life, if you're the one that did something horrible - that kind of thing won't do you any favours.

Do you have any close mutual friends that would be willing to mediate? Could you speak to a counsellor at the uni? Without knowing what happened, it's very difficult to gauge if it's something she's likely to come round about in time or your classmates/mutual friends will accept. It could be one of those occasions when you just need to sit it out and wait for things to blow over or the next crises to pop up and yours will be all forgotten, again, depends on what happened.

Best of luck.

JonathanAnon

iamverysorry wrote: »

she started yelling at me, and told me she was going to destroy my life. I am terrified and dont know that to do.

I thought you were alluding to the fact that you were with her bloke or something. But if she is saying the above and most of the friends are taking her side, I think you just have to leave her alone for a while and let her cool off. Sometimes you cant right a wrong, and you just have to accept it.

LegacyUser

I dont think i said that she was ruinin my life in that thread, but if i did then im sorry. i havent said anything of the sort to her, just texted her tellin her i was sorry and i know i did a terrible thing etc etc like i know i deserve her being cross at me, its just really hard. she was the one who said to me "i am going to destroy your life"

I just feel as if i cant mentally cope at the minute with it all. i know i have done something wrong, and i am truly sorry. but i dont know how to deal with her trying to sabotage my life.

Chinafoot

Leave it alone. Your continued apologies are going to serve no purpose other than stoking the flames of her anger. You've apologised, she hasn't accepted it and you need to respect that.

As for her saying she's going to destroy your life...well thats a tough one. If she is the wronged party she should really be taking the higher ground and just cut you out of her life and leave it at that. However, we don't know what you did. If mutual friends decide, upon hearing what you've done, to "take sides" thats up to them. Your actions towards people can damage not only the direct friendship but also those not involved as other friends may now see you in a different light and decide you're not the type of person they want to hang out with.

Don't contact her anymore and don't go talking about it to anyone else. You're no longer friends and thats all there is to it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice, I think I am going to have to do what you have all suggested and just leave it for now and let her cool off.

Saying nothing is probably my best chance.

She wont be living with us next year because she has other plans, and im moving in with my other roommates. Hopefully this will blow over by next year...

I have definately learnt my lesson,

I just feel really awful about it.

But thank you for the advice

Ickle Magoo

iamverysorry wrote: »

I dont think i said that she was ruinin my life in that thread, but if i did then im sorry. i havent said anything of the sort to her, just texted her tellin her i was sorry and i know i did a terrible thing etc etc like i know i deserve her being cross at me, its just really hard. she was the one who said to me "i am going to destroy your life"

I just feel as if i cant mentally cope at the minute with it all. i know i have done something wrong, and i am truly sorry. but i dont know how to deal with her trying to sabotage my life.

Sorry, I read that line all topsy turvy...

I don't know what you can do other than keep a low profile and wait for it to all blow over or the strength of feeling dissipate...it's not fair that she's being vindictive, perhaps find some new groups to join and try to make some new friends away from her?

kjl

You know we could probably help out more if you told us what it was. I don't know of anything I could do to my friends that would cause this, and from your post it seems like something you did absent-mindedly.

I think let her cool off it great advice, but if you want us to help get to the root of this problem you need to be a little bit more open.

LegacyUser

Assuming that you did do something really terrible to her... (was it malicious? did you act out of jealous?) but seeing as we can only assume it was really bad...

For now, it still seems like you are doing enough to fix things.

There is nothing more you can say. Sometimes the least said, the more it's heard. She is very hurt and angry, but she's not giving you a chance to fix things.

No more texting. By texting and trying to approach her, you're actually just keeping the issue alive.

Learn from what's happened, but give yourself a bit of a break from the guilt as well.

Pretty_Pistol

Without knowing what you've done I can't say whether her telling all your friends what you've done is right or wrong. But I can imagine how awful, embarrassing and lonely you must be feeling to know that she is going around telling them and have them side with her.

It's been a month and you seem to have said you are sorry every way possible a number of times so I would say it is time to leave her alone. Give her space. If she still doesn't come around then the friendship is broken and you will need to move on unfortunately.

LegacyUser

I was in a similar situation to you over 2 years ago. I did something wrong to a friend, she gave me the cold shoulder, when I found out I'd wronged her and tried to make it up to her, she made it clear there was no way to work this out so I left her to it. I didn't make ultimatums the way she did, didn't slag her to friends the way she did me and now years later people will not talk to me even though they were not involved at all. My point is that by being passive, I made it seem like it was ok to cut me out. I wish I'd made more contact with people and had continued communicating with them so they could see who I was and make their own judgement rather than just withdrawing and staying quiet in a group situation if the friend I hurt was there.

You hurt this person and you realise it and feel sorry so you're not a bad person. Don't make the same mistake I did and think that you shouldn't be around mutual friends. You haven't hurt anyone else. Show them the good friend you are and learn from this situation. Hope you feel better soon.

cizolin

If she can't forgive you then maybe she's not worth having as a friend. True friends stick with eachother through thick and thin, the good times and bad times

Chinafoot

cizolin wrote: »

If she can't forgive you then maybe she's not worth having as a friend. True friends stick with eachother through thick and thin, the good times and bad times

Ah here, thats a bit unrealistic, no? In this case the OP did something that she herself considers to be "really bad" and "really awful". Do you really think that her friend should just forgive and forget because they have been mates up until now? Surely a "true friend" wouldn't do something to hurt their mate in such a way? Everyone has their limits and it sounds like the former friend reached hers in this case.

I'm not having a go, OP, but I think it's unfair for anyone to place the blame on your former friend without knowing what you did and why she's so hurt.

MagicSean

kjl wrote: »

You know we could probably help out more if you told us what it was. I don't know of anything I could do to my friends that would cause this, and from your post it seems like something you did absent-mindedly.

I think let her cool off it great advice, but if you want us to help get to the root of this problem you need to be a little bit more open.

Can only think of two things that can really make someone that mad. Love or humiliation. As it's not love maybe the op did somethin to completely humiliate the friend. If thats the case it would explain the attitude of the friend.

Op you should be prepared for the fact that things might never be ok between the two of you again. Some relationships cant be repaired. You should close that chapter in your life and leave it up to her to open it again if she wants.

King of Kings

cizolin wrote: »

If she can't forgive you then maybe she's not worth having as a friend. True friends stick with eachother through thick and thin, the good times and bad times

i'd agree.
You have apologised - doing more grovelling only demeans you (further!)

She needs to accept your apology for you to have a relationship.
If she doesn't then maybe the friendship is broken beyond repair.

I'd agree with cizolin that if you were "that" good a friend she'd accept your behaviour as out of character and forgive you.

You need to move on. It's up to her to come back to you at this stage.
There is plenty of people out there to make new friends and plenty of time for making them.