advise on how to help friend

sporina

hi, ok so my mate has had a drinking problem for quite some time. He has been for treatment but it did not work. He is not drinking hard stuff now but none the less he still has all the symptoms of an alcoholic.

I met up with his recently after not seeing him for a few years as i was away.
So as well as alcohol ruining his life he also has Epilepsy and he is having seizures more often than ever.

He had one in my presence of late and i had to call the doc..
She told me that he really has to give up alcohol that his meds will not work while he is drinking.

My problem is that I do not know how to approach him about this. I do not want him to know that I told the doc about his alcohol problem. I do not know if own GP knows. I assume he know that the meds will not work while drinking but he has not said this to me.

We live quite far from one another so I will not see him to often but I am soo worried about him. He has no work at the mo.. he has plans though - but I do not think he will manage as long as he has this problem and I am also worried about what could happen to him due to this Epilepsy.

I want to write him a mail or call him about how I think he needs to try give up the drink again but i do not want to offend him or annoy him at a risk of him blocking me out.

Has anyone any similar experience of a situation like this before?

Denimgirl

Hiya

I had an ex BF who had a big drinking problem and the sad thing about this disease is they can only help themselves they need to want to stop drinking and turn their life around and stop hanging out with the drinkers,unfortunetly people with drinking problems drag everybody elses life down around them also.But still if he wants to really stop seriously maybe suggest he moves away from his usual suroundings make a fresh start and join a AA group.

Hope he gets well soon and you sound like a very good friend.


DG

Hey there, I myself am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober (proper sober not just dry-drunk) for 10 days. Any of my friends could have written that post about me a few years ago (my drinking went way beyond that stage towards the end) and I would have told them to F off.

An alcoholic can only get help once he/she wants to. For some people this takes hitting an absolute bottom which is never pretty. My advice is to lay the cards out on the table, tell him that you're worried about his drinking and perhaps get him to consider going to an AA meeting to see what it's like.
When he see's how other people have turned their lives around - and some people have really turned their lives around in a way I could never even fathom - he might begin to realise his problem.

It took me breaking everyone's heart around me and my own multiple times before I actually said the words to myself and meant them - "I'm an alcoholic and I need help". And I would imagine this guy is happy enough drinking at the moment.

Check out http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/ when you get the chance. It's a very friendly group and they have forums for friends/relatives of alcoholics that will give you amazing advice.

Good luck and feel free to pm me if you ever need advice.

LegacyUser

Right now your friend probably can't comprehend that not drinking could be healthier for him. The idea of not drinking evr again is probably scary and deep down he'll be aware of issues that he'd have to deal with if he gave up the drink.

I think that all you an do as a friend is let him know what you're thinking. He probably won't heed it but sometime in the future he'll remember your words and they'll suddenly make sense. He may cut ties with you for voicing your opinion and judging his lifestyle choice but at least you'll have said something to try and help him. Let him know that when he wants a friend to help him, you'll be there. It's probably best expressed in a letter so that he can re-read it.

Don't try and trick him into going to an AA meeting because he will 100% not be receptive to their ideas. I have a friend who while she was deep in addiction, had a friend keep dropping AA litereture through her door every couple of months and when she finally decided to read them, she got clean and has been for 6 years now. She is also a very happy person now. I think the trick is to keep giving addicts/alcoholics options and when their ready, they'll look into the alternatives.

He's lucky to have a friend who ares like you but worrying from a distance is going to hurt you more than help him. He is his own responsibility no matter how unable he seems to be able to help himself. Look after yourself, ok?

LegacyUser

sporina wrote: »

hi, ok so my mate has had a drinking problem for quite some time. He has been for treatment but it did not work. He is not drinking hard stuff now but none the less he still has all the symptoms of an alcoholic.

I met up with his recently after not seeing him for a few years as i was away.
So as well as alcohol ruining his life he also has Epilepsy and he is having seizures more often than ever.

He had one in my presence of late and i had to call the doc..
She told me that he really has to give up alcohol that his meds will not work while he is drinking.

My problem is that I do not know how to approach him about this. I do not want him to know that I told the doc about his alcohol problem. I do not know if own GP knows. I assume he know that the meds will not work while drinking but he has not said this to me.

We live quite far from one another so I will not see him to often but I am soo worried about him. He has no work at the mo.. he has plans though - but I do not think he will manage as long as he has this problem and I am also worried about what could happen to him due to this Epilepsy.

I want to write him a mail or call him about how I think he needs to try give up the drink again but i do not want to offend him or annoy him at a risk of him blocking me out.

Has anyone any similar experience of a situation like this before?

I get the impression that the epilepsy was induced by the drinking? The drinking is almost always the expression of a deeper psychological problem or simply not dealing with life wisely. But as regards the epilepsy, I wonder would he be eligible for brain surgery for it? (if his seizures are localised - e.g. originating in the right temporal lobe - he may be a candidate) I was lucky enough to undergo surgery for epilepsy over 10 years ago and I haven't had a seizure since. Best thing I ever did. Changed my life beyond all recognition.

My story, and other stories, can be found on this thread

There are definitely ways to solve these two issues. I just needed to be desperate enough to take those ways. Nil desperandum.

sporina

thanks i read that thread...

i think his alcoholism is the main problem... his drugs are not working due to alcohol...

I do not know the ins and outs of his epilepsy - but it is not as serious as any of those cases in the thread..

thanks though - we'll see..

sporina

unreg gal wrote: »

Right now your friend probably can't comprehend that not drinking could be healthier for him. The idea of not drinking evr again is probably scary and deep down he'll be aware of issues that he'd have to deal with if he gave up the drink.

I think that all you an do as a friend is let him know what you're thinking. He probably won't heed it but sometime in the future he'll remember your words and they'll suddenly make sense. He may cut ties with you for voicing your opinion and judging his lifestyle choice but at least you'll have said something to try and help him. Let him know that when he wants a friend to help him, you'll be there. It's probably best expressed in a letter so that he can re-read it.

Don't try and trick him into going to an AA meeting because he will 100% not be receptive to their ideas. I have a friend who while she was deep in addiction, had a friend keep dropping AA litereture through her door every couple of months and when she finally decided to read them, she got clean and has been for 6 years now. She is also a very happy person now. I think the trick is to keep giving addicts/alcoholics options and when their ready, they'll look into the alternatives.

He's lucky to have a friend who ares like you but worrying from a distance is going to hurt you more than help him. He is his own responsibility no matter how unable he seems to be able to help himself. Look after yourself, ok?

Thanks, I am fine..
I will write the letter but I am just so scared of him blocking me out? He is great fun and he is a little older than me and I think he likes to think that I respect him - which I do. So I do not want him to feel that I see him as a mess.. i guess I will just have to so careful as to how I word things. Thanks for the advice.

kittykrazy

Hi I was posting as "unreg gal" before.

I hope he doesn't block you out but if he does that will be a reaction (IMO) based on fear of you spoiling drinking for him. Maybe the letter could be anonymous? And you could say something to him in a few months along the lines of, "You know if you ever need a friend to listen or help or anything, I'll be there."

So far as I understand, there are different stages of alcoholism and for the first few, the alcoholic is usually a high functioning heavy drinker but chaos lurks in private and then it creeps further and further into every day life. The respectable, fun guy you know is scared of not being fun or respectable if he stops drinking. He's probably scared that the chaos will spread even more if he stops and it probably will until he starts to hope again. I think that people who need a substance to "be" something don't realise that they're augmenting what's already there. I imagine that would be reassuring to someone in his situation.

I'm glad you're ok. Maybe have a look at the alanon website for literature. (Alanon is the organisation for family and friends of alcoholics in active alcoholism, recovering or passed on) The literature might give you some ideas of how to handle his reaction. There's a great pamphlet called "Merry Go Round of Denial" which illustrates very well how a person can appear to have it all but manipulate any sequence of events to feed their addiction and make it everyone elses' fault.

Keep looking after yourself.