Wife caught in the act

leo09

this is complete nightmare, i can barely bring myself this far. I caught my wife having sex with a man from the same town.

without being to graphic i felt vomit coming up my neck with the sight. I felt like i was hit by a train. i did't feel rage which you might imagine but just devastated.

she is staying with her sister since and i haven't spoken to her for more than two mins since. i feel like crap totally humiliated. i've seen him before but would of had no connection what so ever with him, so i don't know how this happened. the image of them is embedded in my head.

where do i go from here. help needed badly

Ickle Magoo

What a horrible thing to walk into.

Is your wife staying with her sister because you asked her to? What is she saying about it all? Is she sorry? Does she want a reconciliation? Do you?

Do you have any close family or friends you could confide in & discuss the above?

moviesrme

I have no real idea of what you must being going through. All I can do is compare it to being dumped by a girlfriend once. All I could do is imagine her in all her best ways but not with me. It tore me to bits. It tore me to bits.
I don't know what to say.

MissHoneyBun

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Is your wife staying with her sister because you asked her to? What is she saying about it all? Is she sorry? Does she want a reconciliation? Do you?

Do you have any close family or friends you could confide in?

Christ, go easy on the questions! I'm sure your intentions are good but I reckon the OP has enough questions of his own right now without being inundated with more. I'm sure he'll divulge more information if and when he's ready.

OP all I can say to you right now is take deep breaths and don't do anything in haste. Anything. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions you are going through but please do not act on them without thinking first. Listen to your heart and your head in equal measures. If you do, you'll find you know better than anyone what's best for you. Be kind to yourself. You will be ok.

Ickle Magoo

MissHoneyBun wrote: »

Christ, go easy on the questions! I'm sure your intentions are good but I reckon the OP has enough questions of his own right now without being inundated with more. I'm sure he'll divulge more information if and when he's ready.

They were hypothetical questions for the OP & whichever close friend or family member he could confide in as per my second paragraph, I wasn't firing questions for him to spill his guts on a public forum! :cool:

Victor

It would be useful to talk to someone about this. Whether friend, family, clergy or maybe a marriage counsellor. Then you can decide how you want to proceed.

JonathanAnon

oh man that's rough, sorry to hear that. I dont have any advice that I can give, but I guess my first question would be "can you forgive her?"

lynsalot

Hey OP,
Thats just terrible. I can't imagine what you're going through. Was ur wife sorry for what she did?

You won't believe this now but time is a healer. It's going to take time and you have to allow yourself the time it'll take to sort out your feelings. You need to decide what you want. Not right now... but just be honest with yourself and if it helps write down your feelings. it'll help over the next while to work out what you want.

It might help to talk to someone about it. Thats probably what you're doing here to gather feedback on something thats just shocked you.

You might find this site helpful:
http://www.mrcs.ie/site/

There isn't much advice I feel you can get here as no body knows ur relationship. All I can advise is give yourself plenty of time to get your thoughts together. Be kind to yourself at the moment. Get your friends around you, and family and make sure you confide in people and talk about how you're feeling. It'll help you cope with the situation.

whatsamsn

You should talke with friends OP.

however, this is a message board. We all dont know each other. You should maybe dicuss it over here if you want

It may help

leo09

thanks for the advice. my head is wrecked. my wife has said she is sorry but how can i forgive her. i keep asking myself why this happened.

if i was to take her back what way would i look. what if we bumped into him when we are out together. i would feel like total s**t knowing what went on.

at the moment my head is spinning.

Ickle Magoo

I bet you have a million questions.

I think your wife staying with her sister is good for the moment, you need time to process what you have seen and how you feel about it and formulate what questions you need to know the answers to. I'm not surprised you are all over the place, give yourself some time to get over the shock.

Miller Boy

Leo, that is truly awful. I really feel for you. You probably feel totally humiliated and like a piece of s**t!

Every one else here also has tremendous sympathy for you also but, if you want advice from posters, you probably need to give a bit more information. And that might be the last thing you want to do.....I'm just wondering if ye had any problems leading up to it.

Things like this, awful as they are, rarely happen out of the blue and for no reason. Were ye unhappy lately, in your marriage? Have your situations changed, e.g., job loss etc? As I said, you may not even want to answer questions like that. Whatever you think, I really wish you the very best and hope you get through it.

tinkerbell

leo09 wrote: »

thanks for the advice. my head is wrecked. my wife has said she is sorry but how can i forgive her. i keep asking myself why this happened.

if i was to take her back what way would i look. what if we bumped into him when we are out together. i would feel like total s**t knowing what went on.

at the moment my head is spinning.

In these situations, I think that a person is only sorry because they were caught.

Only you can decide what to do, nobody here can tell you.

gavney1

sorry to hear that OP. Sounds really horrible.

username123

Leo - first of all, my sincere sympathies to you, what a terrible thing to have happened.

Now in terms of practical advice:
1 - would you ever go to see your GP, you have had a HUGE shock, and your system is going to be totally thrown out of whack, mind going in circles, cant stop thinking about it etc... Tell the doc youve had this shock, see what he/she recommends (you do not need to say what exactly it was, but Im sure your sleep pattern is ruined and youre anxious to bits and a doc is best to advise).

2 - Look after YOU. Again, youve had a horrible shock, and you need to look after yourself so that you can come to terms with it. It would be good for you to talk to someone, a friend, a relative, a counseller. Dont bottle it up - its not going to help in the long run.

3 - Distance. You need to distance yourself from your wife for the moment, until you can get your head around things. If I were you Id keep contact to a bare minimum, only to discuss finances, kids etc... Or have her sister be a mediator so you dont have to talk to her directly - for now.

4 - Time - thats what you need, you need to take time out and try to recover from this nasty experience.

5 - The future. Dont think about it yet, youre not in a mentally healthy place to be worrying about the aspects of what happens next. The future is going to hold some hard decisions either way and now is not the time to think about that, its time to just get over the immediacy of the situation.

Above all, be with friends, people you can trust, talk, do not stay in alone brooding, do not seek any kind of revenge, do not worry about where things go from here, just look after you, eat properly, get proper sleep, see your GP, try to get some exercise and stay busy. Staying busy will help pass time for you and time is going to heal you

Leo - Im so sorry, but this is only a temporary time of horribleness in your life. This too shall pass, and one day you will be looking back at 2010 Leo and remembering that you thought youd never get past it. You will get past this, you will move on, its just very difficult right now.

Good luck.

Erica<3

I'm sorry this happened to you.

The question you have to ask is, do you think your marriage is now worth salvaging? Can you learn to trust her again?
I think you need to speak to your wife immediately, no matter how much it may hurt.

C_J

Oh God, that's completely horrible, i'm so sorry.

I don't know if I agree with Erica.......maybe you should take your time before you sit down and talk everything out. At this stage, I'd imagine your head is still all over the place as are your emotions....you'll love her, hate her, rant, cry all at once. Tbh right now I'd concentrate on you and maybe soon you'll know what direction you want to take.

Hope things get a bit better for you.

oldwan

im so sorry to hear what has happened to you, no one deserves that. as someone who has been heartbroken, not unlike ur situation, i can only say that honestly time is the only thing that will help.

you have to decide yourself how you want 2 deal with this but i wud advise taking at least 2 weeks to a month to yourself to work out your own feelings.
if your wife has apologised and wants to make it work then she will respect your decision to take time and space for yourself to work it out.

i think a week away somewhere nice, maybe warm!, with a close friend, not a wild holiday at all, just somewhere u can relax away from it all and think about things with a bit of distance.
it worked wonders for me.


do what is right for you. best of luck

beks101

username123 wrote: »

Leo - Im so sorry, but this is only a temporary time of horribleness in your life. This too shall pass, and one day you will be looking back at 2010 Leo and remembering that you thought youd never get past it. You will get past this, you will move on, its just very difficult right now.

This is key. In times of crisis like this there's always an urge to do something rash - self-destruct, seek revenge, over-analyse to the point of insanity...
Be patient.

You're not going to know what to do today, or tomorrow, or next week, but time is a great healer if you allow yourself to sit with your feelings and let the reality of what has happened to sink in, instead of acting out immediately.

Let yourself just go through the motions for the next few weeks; take it one day at a time. Put yourself first, put yourself ahead of your wife.

No-one can tell you what the best path for you is here, as no-one understands the dynamics of your relationship with her, or the depth of your feelings or ability to build trust again, but you. Just sit with this for the time being - you will slowly begin to get your head around this and slowly begin to realise where you go from here.

Wishing you strength x

geraghtygirl

Sorry to hear that - you are in bits and rightly so. The only piece of advice I would give would be think long and hard before you decide to talk to friends. Only you can decide what you want to do. Could I suggest that you just get away to anywhere, friends, family, somewhere that you have always wanted. I know of a couple in a very similar situation and the woman (who was cheated on) just packed her bags and disappeared for 2 weeks and I have never seen a man run about so much not knowing what to do with himself. (She did leave a very, very short note). They went through counselling and are together now like peas in a pod.

PLEASE BE KIND TO YOURSELF. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

profitius

You must be in shock alright.

Spend some time getting your thoughts togethar before you do anything.

Personally I'd dump her on the spot because I've already thought about it. She's not wife material and I wouldn't waste anymore time with her.

Its very hard when you've emotional attachments and a break up would change your life but short term could could equal long term gain.

Whatever you do best of luck. If you do decide to take her back make sure it comes with ALOT of conditions attached to make your life more comfortable.

Taltos

OP - you have been getting some really good advice here - but I thought I would add in some words of caution.

Confiding in friends / family - be careful here. If you decide to take her back - however unlikely it seems right now - this person you have shared in will be placed in a tough spot. You might be able to move past - but depending on your relationship with this person - will they - ie if you share with a brother or a sister - they will want to protect you above all else and may not be able to move past what she has done. BUT - you do need to share this with someone - most definitely.

Dealing with your emotions - do not internalise or try to bully your way thru what has happened. If you cannot find someone to talk to and do not feel comfortable ringing the Samaritans or another group - write it all down. Just get it out of your system. This will help you work thru the feelings that it is just too much to cope with. Now - be careful here - do not leave these notes around - destroy them and imagine those feelings going up in smoke.

Take time - do not make any choices now. Do not tell her to get lost. Do not agree to take her back. But take time - it mght be a week or a month. Also contact a solicitor to get legal advice - you know - mortgages - SHARED accounts etc - what are your rights. This is not to make a decision to split or anything like that - it is just to give yourself all the knowledge so you can make an informed decision when you are ready but also to make sure you are protected from someone emptying your accounts etc.

While it is going to be a tough time for you - if you think your way through this you will be ok and you will really learn who your true friends are. It is not the end of the world - it might be the end of a stage of your life - but what she has done does not define you in any way. It just shows her as the person she really is - behind all the lies and faces she puts on to the rest of the world. Finally - do not want to scare you - but please go and get checked out. Since she has not been faithful you have no way of knowing what she has exposed you to.

seenitall

profitius wrote: »

If you do decide to take her back make sure it comes with ALOT of conditions attached to make your life more comfortable.

Now this sounds VERY interesting. Would you care to elaborate profitius please, just in case I ever find myself in the OP's situation?

2manyconditions

Give her the permanent boot OP, ----allowing someone to do this to you and then taking them back is giving them permission to do the very same thing again. Once a cheater always a cheater.

I just hope there are no children involved here.

I wish you all the best,

G-Money

I think it's going to take you longer than a few weeks or a month to get past this OP. I was in a situation where I wanted to cut off contact with a girl and it wasn't for the same reasons as you, but I didn't even want to speak to her for months and even now over a year later, I still don't want to hear from her.

Take time and avoid her at all costs. I can't remember if you've said you have children with her or whatever, but if for financial reasons or because of the children you have to interact with her, keep it to the absolute minimum required. What she's done is unforgiveable in my book and I would never take a girl back if she did that. But at the end of the day, it's you she cheated on, not me or anyone else on this thread.

I don't know if you's have been having any problems in your marriage but even if you have, that's no excuse for her cheating on you and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Sorry to hear about it OP, I hope things workout for the best, whatever that may be.