Confused and in need of advice

LegacyUser

Please read and advise. I cant tell anyone of my friends or family about this situation so im going to tell random strangers. I am so confused as to what to do.

I met a guy about 6-7 months ago and started seeing him. He was lovely to me, if a bit of a lads lad which I usually wouldn’t go for in a guy. Things moved kinda fast and he met my family and friends and everything and initially they all liked him. I fell in love with him and he told me he loved me to. We even talked about marriage. My opinion was that it was too soon to think about it but I wasn’t against the idea of us getting married at some point in the future. This guy seemed perfect for me. He made me laugh, and was nice to me and said he had a good job and everything. The only thing I didn’t quite like about him was that he would often tell stories of how he would get into fights at the end of a night (not every time he went out, just that it had happened). In all this time I never met his family or friends or was brought to his house, which at the time I didn’t mind because I was never one for meeting families but looking back now I wish I had.

About 6 months in things started to come out about his life. He told me (only after a row on the phone with his mother) that he had a kid. A young little baby that was born after we had gotten together and that he was looking after him cause the mother didn’t want to care for him. I was told she had post natal depression. I was ok with this though. He was the guy I loved and I didn’t mind that he had a kid with a different woman. But then a short time after that he told me that the mother wanted the baby back and he didn’t know what to do. I advised him that they should try to work things out because I thought it was best the baby had both parents in his life. So they arranged to share custody. She took the baby for what was meant to be a week but then wouldn’t give him back to the dad. It really upset him and I was there for him and told him that I would stand by him and help him in any way I could. All this time I still hadn’t met the baby or any of his family.

Then one weekend he was at home in my parents house with me and he had a conversation with my brother. I don’t really know what was said during the course of the conservation but at some point he told my brother about him and his friends beating up 2 guards. My brother at the time said nothing but later mentioned it to my sisters. I wasn’t there for any of these conservations so I don’t really know what was said between them but they decided that I was better off away from him and I should stop seeing him. So a few days later one of my sisters asked to meet me on my own. I though nothing of this so I met her, totally un-prepared for what I was about to hear.

She told me what he had said to my brother, and asked if I believed other thing about him. Like his education (he told me he had a PhD in some computer thing), the house he grew up in (he described it as a really big house from a really nice area) and other things about him like holidays he took, his job etc. I told her I did as I never had any reason to doubt him on any of these things. Then she totally shocked me. Throughout the conservation she kept saying that he was not who he said he was and I didn’t know what she meant by it. She showed me on a computer references to him on the internet but they wernt in the name he had told me he had. It was a different surname. All the references to him were of him with what he told me was his mothers maiden name. I know it seems insane how could I not have known his real name (I still don’t understand it). There were also pictures of him with his son and the mother of the baby shortly after he was born, taken when we were seeing each other. Also other pictures that I have since found of him and his family on the internet don’t match up to some of the things he said. Like where he lived etc. I know at this stage you are proberly thinking what a fool am I but I really did believe everything he said to me. I had no reason to question him on anything he said so I just believed him. I was heart broken. I was a wreck and I felt like such a fool. How could I have been so stupid.

So we broke up and I ignored all text messages and phone calls from him. I didn’t want to hear or see from him again but then one night, I cant even remember how long after we broke up this was but I got a voice message from him. I scared me so much. He was talking about killing himself and I didn’t know what to do. I contacted his brother (I found his number on the internet) told him who I was and that I was really worried about his brother. He said that he hadn’t been himself since we broke up. He promised he would keep a close eye on him and make sure he was ok. At this point I thought I had done everything that was asked of me what more could I do. But then the following day I had a phone call from his brother saying that he had gone missing and had left what appeared to be suicide note to their mam. I was devastate and so worried about him. I rang his phone and he answered and eventually I got it out of him where he was so I drove to collect him with the intention of bringing him home to his family. He begged me not to, saying that he hated them and couldn’t live at home any more because of me, because of them, and because of things his father had done to him when he was small. But I drove him home regardless thinking it was the best place for him. I met his brother in some small town half way between his place and mine. His brother wasnt very nice when I met him. I just didn’t like him and to make matters worse for some reason his dad had come along too to collect him. This drove my ex mad. I had never seen him so mad. And again like his brother I just didn’t like his dad. So I left him with his family, with a promise that I would contact him and talk to him. I didn’t though. My sister found out what had happened and went mad with me that I had even contacted him again never mind seen him.

So for a while there was no contact between us. If he text or rang I just didn’t answer but eventually I did. I missed him so much and was still so upset over everything that had happened. In all the drama I had lost the guy that had become my best friend and I wasn’t me without him. One day he text me saying goodbye, that he had taken a job in some country in the middle east and would be leaving in a few days. Like a fool I text him back, I don’t even know what I said now but I think I wished him well and I hoped he would be safe but after that he rang and rang and rang. And eventually I answered. I still don’t know why. I guess despite all the anger I felt towards him over everything that I still loved him. So we talked and then he decided not to go. And then we talked some more the following day and then some the day after that. It wasn’t all happy conversations, some of them I was so angry with him. All I wanted was the truth about everything, about his son and the babies mother, about where he lived, what he did for a job and all the other stuff he had told me about but I now questioned. Then last night after a really bad row he said he was going to leave again. I asked him not to and somewhere in the course of a 3 hour conversation with him I agreed to meet him next week and try see if I could forgive him and maybe give us another chance.

Please help and tell me what you think I should do. I am so confused by everything. Should I meet him, should I just give up all contact with him, what should I do? In some ways I don’t think I can ever forgive him for what he has put me through and for all the lies he told me but in another I really really miss him. And part of me does still love him. I just don’t know how big that part is anymore. And on top of that there is my family. To say they hate him is putting it softly. They would hate the thought that I was even in contact with him again, never mind had agreed to see him and maybe try things between u again.

What do you think I should do? I know reading this long winded ramble that is really badly written you properly think how much of a fool this girl was to let thing happen the way they did, or the some of this is made up but I promise its not made up and yes I was that much of a fool.

Pleas help. I need advise. I have no one I can turn to about this.

Ickle Magoo

He lied to your face, gave you a false name, was playing happy families when he wasn't with you and by doing so showed you absolutely no respect - why do you even WANT a man like that?

I think you must have severe self-confidence issues if you think that you have a great relationship and he's a keeper. Before doing anything, including kow-towing to his games and emotional blackmail I think you should go to counselling to work out why you have so little self respect and place so little value on having a man who will be honest, faithful and respectful to you.

LegacyUser

Relationships are tough at times, but what you've described goes above and beyond a normal relationship. It's a nightmare. It's your choice if you want to stay in it, but you'd be throwing the rest of your life away if you do.
+1 to sorting out your self esteem. If you cared about yourself, you wouldn't touch this man with a barge pole

Zaph

OP, I have only one piece of advice for you - forget about this guy now. I'm saying this from a position of experiencing something quite similar at first hand, and the person involved still hasn't resolved their self-esteem issues five years after finally dumping the guy. Like you, she was lied to from the beginning, his name, family, where he was from, the fact that he had a young child, everything, and these things only gradually came out over time. It also turned out he had a criminal record, and while going out with her he also stole from her family. She, naturally, stood by him, which caused major rifts in the family that took a long time to heal. He also bled her dry as every job he got turned out to be temporary and he was always short of cash. She, rather foolishly, ended up subsidising him for what ultimately turned out to be a 5-figure sum, as well as having things like gift vouchers she got as presents used by him because "he needed x, y or z". Finally she saw sense, but it took her finding out from his sister that he told his family that they'd split a year previously for her to see how badly he'd treated her.

All this went on for almost 4 years and, as I said, she still hasn't gotten over the damage he caused to her self-esteem, which was low enough to begin with, and she hasn't been able to maintain a proper relationship since. You don't have to let it get to that stage, dump the loser now before he inflicts further damage on you.

And fwiw, I seriously doubt that there ever was a job in the Middle East. That sounds like the same sort of ploy that the guy I mentioned tried a couple of times after the couple split up so that she'd go back to him. I'm sorry to say that it worked like a charm every time.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

Sounds to me like you're addicted to drama, your entire post was drama, drama, drama - lies, violence, more lies, secrets and lies etc.

Your decision is simple really, do you want the highs and lows of going out with a guy who's a pathological liar? Sure, you'll get loads of attention etc but ultimately your life will be a nightmare, your friends and family will eventually get sick of listening to the drama and watching you get treated like poo and you'll be left to cope alone, worse still you could get pregnant and be really really trapped.

Or

You could cop on and cut all contact. It's up to you really.

If I were you I would cut all contact and find something REAL to give me good feelings, like joining an acting club or horseriding, something that gives me a rush of good emotion, I certainly wouldn't be anyone's fool just for the sake of drama and to be honest I wouldn't be making a partnership with someone as pathetic as he sounds, talk about selling yourself short!

You're wrong when you say he's your best friend, he's not, I have tons of friends and I would never treat any of them the way he's treated you, god I give my cats more respect than that.

Also I'd get into coucelling if I were you, somewhere along the line you came to think that this is the best you can do, something's very wrong with your self image.

I really and truly wish you the best of luck, hopefully you do the smart thing.

Miss Fluff

unregistered wrote: »

Pleas help. I need advise. I have no one I can turn to about this.

You have nobody to turn to on this issue because you I am sure anyone who cares about you has given up hope. Why would you continue to go back there again and again and be used as an emotional punchbag by a violent, cheating lying thug? Don't you have ANY sense of self-worth at all? Do you place so little value on your own happiness?

I'd also be VERY concerned by your gulllibility.The fact that you believed this man was moving to the Middle East? Can't you possibly for one moment see what this might have been another fabrication in order to manipulate a meeting? This guy doesn't give two sh1ts about you girl.

He's a master deceiver and manipulator (although not that great on the deception seeing as he was found out so spectacularly) and he will ruin your life. That's if you let him, and by meeting him you're leaving the door wide open. Your choice.

Volvagia

If I were you I would get a new phone number and never, ever speak to this guy again.

It's all lies, absolutely everything you described in you post was about him lying.

Get out now and never look back.

Taltos

You do know what is coming next don't you.

So you have had -
> threatened suicide
> moving abroad

Next will be in any order
> serious illness
> family member has died
> need help with addiction
> need your support with his depression
> and on and on and on

Eventually you will be so drained and exhausted by all of this you will just stop caring about everything. You will look back and wonder where your family have gone - they will have been pushed aside "cause they hate me... sniff sniff"...

Look - you had a lapse - you replied.
Change your phone now. Change all contacts - including FaceBook etc - change your settings so you can no longer be searched etc.
It will be tough - but in the long run it will be better than being lied to and used like this child is trying to do. Yes you want to help - that is wonderful - but he doesn't need your help - he needs a professional, possibly meds, possibly shock - but by staying involved you are just feeding into his controlling delusions.