Feeling clobbered.

eleven

Hi there,

I'm havin a hard time with the ex. We broke up 6 weeks ago, and we still live together. Will do for another month. He told me last night that he's got a new girlfriend (whom I know, and has been in my house a few times). They started going out 3 weeks ago. He told me because he couldn't "handle the guilt".

I am in an important year in college - taking it very seriously as I'm a mature student, and have my final deadline in a week and a half. In fact I had asked him not to move out until I was finished the deadline so as to give me some equilibrium amongst the heartache of breaking up (clearly that was his idea too).

When we broke up, I took it very calmly. I gave him space and acted as mature and well behavied as I possibly could. I kept my upset feelings away from him as much as possible, but he definitely knew that I found the first month of the breakup very difficult. Especially as only the week before I had been seen a doctor to deal with my first ever bout of depression.

He told me about the breakup one night, we slept in seperate rooms, and the next day I told him that I understood that he wanted to break up, and I wouldn't make it hard for him... as we had been together for such a long time, and at least at the start of relationship had an incredibly tight bond. I said, please give me two things - I couldn't handle moving out or a new person moving in in the middle of my last assignment, and if he could stay til that was finished, he said absolutely no problem. Then I asked him if we could agree not to see other people while we were living together, about 2- 3 months... he said he could not promise that (which suprised me), so I said fine, just don't tell me about it.

Basically I can't believe he would do this to me... I don't really mind that he's met someone he likes, tbh my initial reaction was favourable... but then over the night it's been hitting me in slow motion...

I feel really disrespected... I mean 3 weeks? After 7 years together, give or take a break for travelling when we were younger. And the fact that he told me because he "felt bad about lying" and "guilty"... I mean I could here him snoring away last night while I had all kinds of hurt thoughts whirling around my head, crying because I feel just tossed aside like a piece of rubbish.... not even that actually, it's really because I cant believe he would be so unthinkingly cruel to tell me, after I specifically asked him not to tell, when he knew that I was *just* starting to feel ok, positive, motivated and not depressed, he just takes me down.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the long post... I'm just so angry and hurt, but most of all because he knew how important this last week in college is to me, but he told me something that and almost his exact words " I knew this could blow up in my face, that your head would be wrecked" just to allieviate his own guilt.

I really want to know, is there any other guys who feel like his actions were out of order? I know some people will think I'm over reacting, but if even one guy out there is on my side, I think it'll give me hope for the future....


Thanks for reading this guys, I'd rather vent online than make it anymore awkward between us by venting at him!

Ickle Magoo

Getting together with someone else 3 wks after you break up would indicate to me that his head had left the relationship long before he verbalised it and that's why he's finding it easier to move on.

You obviously have feelings for him and didn't want to separate so it's going to hurt and upset you to see him moving on. It's a shame you have to live together, is there no-one else you can stay with for a month until you can go your separate ways?

Technically he's done nothing wrong, he has every right to end your relationship and start a new one when ever he wants, there is no minimum grieving time that MUST be served by either party. It's a positive that you heard it from the horses mouth and not when you walked in on them together. In saying that, telling someone that you went out with for 7yrs and must still share a roof with for another month that you took so little time to move on is rubbing noses in it - and you have to find out if telling you is a precursor to having her around which would just be awful for you.

I think the only option is to try to find somewhere else to live, hang the expense or discomfort of kipping on a friends floor - it's not healthy to keep living with someone once you split and they are easily moving on when you aren't.

Best of luck.

eleven

Thanks ickle magoo for your reply. There are a couple of things that I probably didn't make clear...

I don't still have feelings for him at all, the minutia of our relationship is obviously too much to go into, but I too knew the romantic/physical side of our relationship was long over before it was verbalised. This is why I was so calm when it did finish. Obivously the ending of a relationship of many years standing is sad, and I grieved for what we once had and all that we had expected to build together, but actually I was happy that we split. I am happy - very happy that we split, and I before I found this out I wished I could find some of explaining to him that I was greatful that he took the inititve to do the breaking.

The still living together has nothing to do with me wanting him around, and everything to do with with finance and fear that I literally wouldn't be able to finish my end of year work if I had to deal with finding someone new to move in, explaining the situation to a less than easy to deal with landlord etc etc. We also thought that fair enough that we couldn't go out as a couple, but there was nothing to stop us treating each other with respect as old friends.


I just feel let down... If I was in the same position as him, i.e. I had met someone new while we were living together, I wouldn't tell him - in case it would hurt his feelings. I think 7 years of love and friendship deserves that consideration. I only asked for one thing when we broke up and that was that neither of us would see anyone new while we lived together, and that if we did we would keep it to ourselves.

I just feel really disrespected... I had carried myself with a fair amount of grace and calmness and rationality since the split, and he tells me something that he knows I would find upsetting because he feels "guilty". What was the point in telling me? He doesn't need or want my blessing... It achieved me feeling upset, a rehashing of bad old breakup memories, and a not inconsequential derailment of my college work.... And he got a break from feeling guilty? I didn't ask him to feel guilty, I just asked him to spare my feelings and I guess my pride too.

He already he said he didn't want to bring her over (I wondered if that was his point too, Magoo) He said no he wouldn't do that. So why tell me? It just feels cruel.

Cheap Thrills!

eleven wrote: »

I just feel let down... If I was in the same position as him, i.e. I had met someone new while we were living together, I wouldn't tell him - in case it would hurt his feelings. I think 7 years of love and friendship deserves that consideration. I only asked for one thing when we broke up and that was that neither of us would see anyone new while we lived together, and that if we did we would keep it to ourselves.

I just feel really disrespected... I had carried myself with a fair amount of grace and calmness and rationality since the split, and he tells me something that he knows I would find upsetting because he feels "guilty". What was the point in telling me? He doesn't need or want my blessing... It achieved me feeling upset, a rehashing of bad old breakup memories, and a not inconsequential derailment of my college work.... And he got a break from feeling guilty? I didn't ask him to feel guilty, I just asked him to spare my feelings and I guess my pride too.

Look OP, I've been in your boyfriends shoes (lived with a partner after I broke it off with him, due to waiting for house to be sorted) so I want to give you a piece of advice.

The days of being able to control and negotiate what goes on around him are OVER. It really is that simple. All this dignity/respect/friendship twaddle is jsut a crutch ye are both using to get through this part. as soon as you both have a different roof over your heads you will see thats gonzo. Gone.

It's gone now, but because you are artifically throw together due to economic need, a certain pretence needs to be maintained but it's not reality.

You can't split hairs because he told you. If you had heard it from someone else you would have felt like a thick and embarassed and might have got angry too.

You are trying to control the split as though you are still together. He can do what he likes. You can say ye agreed this, that and the other but none of it means a thing. You two are seperate agents now. You need to start getting to grips with the reality of that.

Break ups/deaths etc are not convenient, they do not happen neatly when you are not stressed with other things studying/college whatever. You maybe are mentally postponing emotionally processing it but he isn't and doesn't have to.

He has moved on, he's been fairly decent. He hasn't brought the new girlfriend back to the house. That's good, nice but it's an unnatural un uneasy status quo. He is entitled to move on. Your college etc is nothing to do with him.

You might cite friendship next, but dont, sex trumps friendship every time, I'm sorry but it does. And so it should. It is a biological imperative and that's the natural order.

As I say. I've been in your boyfriends shoes and the whole thing can drag out interminably. He has done well so far, don't wear out the welcome.

Ickle Magoo

eleven wrote: »

Thanks ickle magoo for your reply. There are a couple of things that I probably didn't make clear...

I don't still have feelings for him at all, the minutia of our relationship is obviously too much to go into, but I too knew the romantic/physical side of our relationship was long over before it was verbalised. This is why I was so calm when it did finish. Obivously the ending of a relationship of many years standing is sad, and I grieved for what we once had and all that we had expected to build together, but actually I was happy that we split. I am happy - very happy that we split, and I before I found this out I wished I could find some of explaining to him that I was greatful that he took the inititve to do the breaking.

Okay, so the relationship had reached its conclusion for both parties. Then I'm not sure why you are feeling clobbered.

eleven wrote: »

The still living together has nothing to do with me wanting him around, and everything to do with with finance and fear that I literally wouldn't be able to finish my end of year work if I had to deal with finding someone new to move in, explaining the situation to a less than easy to deal with landlord etc etc. We also thought that fair enough that we couldn't go out as a couple, but there was nothing to stop us treating each other with respect as old friends.

He did treat you with respect. He ended things when he knew the relationship had run it's course and he made sure you didn't find out from anyone else that he's got a new gf. If you are so over him and glad you split then why would breaking up or him starting another relationship upset your to the point it would jeopardise your work? Breaking up with someone after 7 yrs and still living with them has to be far more unsettling than finding a new place or speaking to a land lord....by a country mile.

eleven wrote: »

I just feel let down... If I was in the same position as him, i.e. I had met someone new while we were living together, I wouldn't tell him - in case it would hurt his feelings. I think 7 years of love and friendship deserves that consideration. I only asked for one thing when we broke up and that was that neither of us would see anyone new while we lived together, and that if we did we would keep it to ourselves.

If that was the agreement then he's wrong to say anything - but equally I think it's madness to try to have rules for each other when you are no longer in a relationship and just counting the days until one or other moves out.

eleven wrote: »

I just feel really disrespected... I had carried myself with a fair amount of grace and calmness and rationality since the split, and he tells me something that he knows I would find upsetting because he feels "guilty". What was the point in telling me? He doesn't need or want my blessing... It achieved me feeling upset, a rehashing of bad old breakup memories, and a not inconsequential derailment of my college work.... And he got a break from feeling guilty? I didn't ask him to feel guilty, I just asked him to spare my feelings and I guess my pride too.

He already he said he didn't want to bring her over (I wondered if that was his point too, Magoo) He said no he wouldn't do that. So why tell me? It just feels cruel.

So you didn't hear from someone else, I guess? To ensure you know it's over from his point of view and that just because you are living together that he's drawing a line under things? To try to hurry up the whole moving out away from each other thing? I don't know and does it really matter? It's going to sound really harsh but your welfare and college work are no longer his concern. He's a grown man, he shouldn't have to tip-toe around you, especially if you were both glad things ended.

I still think the sensible thing to do is move out and move on, it's no longer a relationship, it's too raw to be a friendship so it just ends up being an awkward situation with undefined boundaries.

eleven

wow, I'm really suprised. I thought people any people who have any kind of relationship together - friend brother cousin whatever, try and look after each other and mind each other's feelings.

I just thought that 2 people living in difficult circumstances would try and make it as easy for each other to get through.

I made things as easy as I possibly could for him, and I expected the same in return.

This is thread is really upsetting me now. I can't believe that people put so little value on the people whom they share relationhips. It's not about control, it's about having consideration for those around you.

Cheap Thrills!

eleven wrote: »

wow, I'm really suprised. I thought people any people who have any kind of relationship together - friend brother cousin whatever, try and look after each other and mind each other's feelings.

This does not apply with exes OP. I'm sorry. YOU are the main caretaker of your own feelings. You are responsible for yourself NOT your ex. Maintaining contact with an ex is usually avoided because hurt IS caused, rightly or wrongly. The situation you two are in is extremely unhealthy.

It has occured to me too reading your post again that you seem to be renting rather than own the place?

If so, get the hell out of there. I would never condone staying in living quarters with an ex, even with the most supposedly amicable ex it should be avoided at all costs.

eleven wrote: »

I just thought that 2 people living in difficult circumstances would try and make it as easy for each other to get through.

No, not if that involves him having to deny his new relationship. If you want to avoid thinking about it thats your choice but you can't expect him to hold himself back...for what? Theres no good reason. Your college is your concern.

eleven wrote: »

I made things as easy as I possibly could for him, and I expected the same in return.

Oh no OP, that was not required or expected and you can't expect the same in return. It's over. You need to get out of there.

eleven wrote: »

This is thread is really upsetting me now. I can't believe that people put so little value on the people whom they share relationhips.

Relationship is over.

eleven wrote: »

It's not about control, it's about having consideration for those around you.

Why are you around him then?
Move out or get him to move out. Look, you can't have a break up without pain. I know its hurtful but you'd be better facing up to it and separating physically specially if the place is just rented. its just madness.......if you are owners in negative equity then one or other of you move out and let out the spare room but do it quickly because otherwise this break up will be agony like slowly peeling off a plaster, instead of quickly.

Riskymove

eleven wrote: »

This is thread is really upsetting me now. I can't believe that people put so little value on the people whom they share relationhips. It's not about control, it's about having consideration for those around you.

OP

I understand your point and to you asking him not to see anyone for three months until you were finished and could move out is not unreasonable in the circumstances.

I am afraid the only reason i can see why he would not do this is if he already was in a new relationship (however informal) or had plans in that regard. Even if thats the case I dont see why he could not keep it out of your face for such a short time.

as you say, after 7 years together, its not a lot to ask at an important period of time for you.

Floppybits

eleven wrote: »

wow, I'm really suprised. I thought people any people who have any kind of relationship together - friend brother cousin whatever, try and look after each other and mind each other's feelings.

I just thought that 2 people living in difficult circumstances would try and make it as easy for each other to get through.

I made things as easy as I possibly could for him, and I expected the same in return.

This is thread is really upsetting me now. I can't believe that people put so little value on the people whom they share relationhips. It's not about control, it's about having consideration for those around you.

OP he did have consideration for you, he broke up the relationship, if the relationship was dead as you said why didn't you do the breaking?

He told you he is seeing someone else so that you don't find out of someone else, which would have been worse? Also he is not rubbing your face in it either by bringing her back to the house or waving the relationship under your nose.

As someone has said the relationship is over, there is no hold over you or over him, he can do as he wants. Yes you can care about each other as mates if thats the way you want to go but I personally don't think that can happen until you that separation from each other.

Taltos

So let me get this straight - you wanted him to stay single for 3 mths after 7yrs together so you could get through college?

Look - a nice idea and all but none of us can really control who or when we find someone attractive. What if she is the ONE for him and he did wait and missed her? Life is all about taking opportunities when they arise.

Maybe he should have just lied to you.
But I guess he respected you more than that - shame that is not returned.

And don't kid yourself here - this is clearly about control and that is not what life is about.

shellyboo

eleven wrote: »

wow, I'm really suprised. I thought people any people who have any kind of relationship together - friend brother cousin whatever, try and look after each other and mind each other's feelings.

That's kinda the point though... you don't have any kind of relationship together anymore. You have an ex-relationship. So the rules of consideration, kindness etc, go out the window. That's not to say you're wrong to do the best thing by him if that's the kind of person you are, but you can't project your expectations and your preferred actions onto him. Unfortunately. The world would be a nicer place if you could!

Ickle Magoo

Perhaps he told you because he intends on staying over with her and didn't want to get into the awkward territory of you wondering where he's been or, even worse, asking why he's not coming home at night?

I think it would have been more disrespectful not to tell you and just to turn up one morning after not coming home, ruffled and smelling of perfume.

eleven

I'm not sure how to put this... Thank you to everyone for your imput.

I do not feel that this discussion is helping me out in anyway now.

Again, thanks for your thoughts on the situation, but really as some have said break ups are hard enough without a plethora of people I don't know giving me a hard time for being upset.

I've asked the Moderators to close this thread and I would ask that posters respect the fact that in a forrum that is designed to help the OP, this thread is not.

Again, thanks to all (including those who completely disagree with me)