Need some advice

Clauric

Hi All,

I need some advice about how to deal with a situation. The reason I posted it here will be self evident.

The background is as follows:
My brother is getting married in less than 3 weeks time, in a well known and very expensive 5 star hotel in Dublin. I am one of the groomsmen (best man is his best friend). It is a formal wedding, with all the guests in their best cloths (tuxedoes, ball gowns).

The problem:
The invites were sent out in Feb this year, asking that we indicate whether we would be attending the wedding, by no later than mid March. My girlfriend and I were both invited as were my parents, cousins, uncles, etc. We all received the same invite (no personalisation bar the envelope). But no invitation for my daughter (she is the only niece or nephew on either side of the family).

About 1 week later, my daughter (8) received an invite. It was identical to all the others, except of course the name on the envelope. Naturally, I asked her would she liked to attend the wedding, and explained to her what it would entail. She was excited, to say the least.

So we returned the acceptance cards saying that we would be attending (except my partner who can not make the wedding due to an AGM, but will be coming back early to attend the "afters").

About 10 days ago, I got a call from my brother, saying that they had decided that my daughter was being uninvited to the reception, and that they would prefer if she didn't attend the wedding!! I have since found out that my cousins, the youngest of whom is 10, is being invited. That invitation was made after my daughter was effectively banned from the wedding.

This leaves me in a predicament. The day of the wedding is the day that I have my daughter, by court order. My ex-girlfriend (my daughter's mother) is adamant that I must take her for that night, notwithstanding the wedding arrangements, etc.

I have gone to friends of mine, with teenage/young adult daughters, and they are more than willing to babysit my daughter. However, they cannot come into town to collect her and it would take me over two hours to drive back to my house, and then come back into town (wedding is on a Friday afternoon, and ceremony ends about 5pm, with photos after).

On top of this, I had already booked a room in the hotel, for myself, girlfriend and daughter, and it is non-refundable. Between this, the cost of the babysitter, and the cost of my daughter's already bought wedding dress, it will cost me nearly €600, not including the wedding present.

Naturally, both my parents, as well as my girlfriend are very shocked, and annoyed by this series of events. My parents have threatened to boycott the event if my daughter doesn’t attend, ostensibly to babysit her, but this is a non-runner from my point of view, as I believe that the parents of the bride and groom should always go the wedding.

What I am looking for is any advice on how to ask my brother to reconsider the ban on my daughter attending the wedding, or as a less enjoyable option, how to tell him that I will not be in a position to attend the reception and that, as such, I don't think it will be a good idea for me to be a groomsman?

Any help is gratefully appreciated.

F1ngers

Family comes first, stay away from the wedding and do something with your daughter.
Simples, don't know why you're even asking.

Ickle Magoo

Jeepers, what is your brother thinking?! :eek: :mad:

An eight yr old girl is neither here nor there when it comes to arranging tables or meals - it's both complete madness and utterly rude to "uninvite" someone to a wedding, never mind your niece and daughter of your brother and grooms-man. I think the bride and groom need a good talking to - would your parents mention their boycotting the wedding suggestion to see if the bride/groomzilla come to their senses?

Failing that, tell them to stuff their wedding, save yourself the cost of the present and do something nice with your wee girl - which, tbh, baring in mind it was him that told you your daughter was being uninvited, I'd be tempted to do anyway.

Best of luck.

Joey the lips

Bring your daughter and give her your meal.... simple.

Tell your brother this is what you will be doing

either that or dont go yourself.

This imo is not about your family but your daughter and you

bellabloo

Oh my god but I am shocked by your brother.. you simply cannot ask a child and then unask them! There is no such thing as un inviting a child..
the poor little one would be heart broken and even if your brother has no kids he should be aware of this!

..
If it comes to it DONT GO! your brother is asking you to forsake time with your child and to hurt her feelings at the same time.

Talk to him and explain to him that you have her that weekend and that not having her will cause problems with her mother.. but also that your DD is excited about going and as she is 8 she is not likely tp upset the running of the day.

and if he does not see reason tell him that you are truly sorry but your promised your daughter a day out and you cant in good faith upset her after her being so excited so if shes not welcome you will have to take her elsewhere to make it up to her as you have her that day either way!

Best of luck with it
Bella

Toots

God that's so horrible! I can't believe someone would do that! If I were you OP, I'd tell your brother that either the invitation to your daughter stands, or else you'll be unable to come to the wedding. Did they give a reason for this change of mind? Is there any way your parents could chat to him and make him see sense?

I would quite simply tell your brother that there is no option for not having your daughter with you at the wedding.

If he univites her, her univites you. Simple.

I'm shocked that anyone would do this.

smelltheglove

I said other, I would try and speak to your brother and explain to him that your daughter is looking forward to it, has bought a dress and knows your 10 year old cousin will be there. Ask him to explain why she is no longer welcome.

Years ago when my brother got married I was invited alone. I had just had a baby although had broken up with her father all the same I was quite shocked that I was not allowed bring a friend, I was afraid of the reception I might receive from relatives. I actually really did not want to go alone and stated that I would not attend, after all he said I could bring a firned, I brought my best friend along with me and he kept me company for the day. I did find that I needed the extra help with me also as my daughter was only 5 months old and was a handful at the time. My brother had realised how upset this had made me and was happy enough in the end that I brought my pal along, and thankfully I never got the strange glances and questions from aunts, uncles and grandparents.

Point is, maybe your brother will understand when you explain it to him, or even realise he is being silly when he needs to explain his reasons.

Clauric

OP here.

Just to clarify a few points.

• My cousin who is 10 has not seen my brother since 2008, and never met his fiance.

• I spoke to aunts and uncles who were invited, and all agreed, without reservation, that they would be more than willing to look after my daughter for the dinner (I am meant to be at the top table).

• My parents are upset and annoyed with him, but don't really want to get involved.

• The money is not the issue in as far as my daughter or the wedding present is concerned. Just put it in as an aside.

• I was told that under no circumstances was I allowed suggest anybody for the wedding list.

• I wasn't invited to be a groomsman until two of his other friends turned down the offers first!

BTW, in case this sounds bitter or something f the sort, it is not intended to. Simply the way I write.

Many thanks for your suggestions, advice and ancetotes.

Ickle Magoo

I don't understand - how can your parents suggest boycotting the wedding and not want to get involved?

Clauric

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I don't understand - how can your parents suggest boycotting the wedding and not want to get involved?

Maybe I should have stated that better. They are upset with him, and have said that if my daughter is not invited, they might boycott the wedding. They have only said it to me, and not him, and don't want to upset the apple cart in relation to him. Unsure what would happen when push comes to shove.

Ickle Magoo

I think you should find out. It's not fair that you should have to beg for a place for your daughter, make demands and feel awkward, or risk a family feud by not going. Could you ask them to have a word in their son's ear re their granddaughter and their other son?

scudzilla

OP, you're brother sounds a complete and utter cnut, i would just not bother going at all. Spend the day wit your daughter and have fun

lpryanm

they had decided that my daughter was being uninvited to the reception, and that they would prefer if she didn't attend the wedding!!

Whatever about the wedding which she should not have been uninvited to, there should be no reason why she shouldn't attend the reception..you would still need someone to watch her earlier in the day though...so all you can do is talk to him without falling out about it hopefully. There is so much going on with planning the day that they've made a mistake here...

Would your ex or someone watch your daughter during the day and she could come along after the meal and enjoy the reception.

beachbabe

When we got married, we opted to have no kids at the wedding. At the time, there were no nieces/nephews etc to be invited. On the day some friends had to bring their kid, babysitting arrangements fell through. We had no problem with that.
I agree with previous posters, uninviting anybody to a wedding is extremely rude. I know it's your brothers wedding, but I would seriously consider not going.

dudara

Does your brother have any cop-on? He invited your daughter, who would have gotten all excited (new dress, big day out etc) and now he wants to uninvite her. Does he have any consideration for his niece's feelings?

Things like this are hugely important to kids - she'll have told all her friends and will be looking forward to it.

Personally, even though he is your brother, I'd be looking to protect my daughter from idiots like that.

tinkerbell

OMG your brother and his fiancee sound like wonderful people, NOT. How frikkin rude can you get? You cannot UNINVITE somebody! I would call him up, tell him that your daughter is coming to the wedding, her name is on an invite and you either both go or neither of you go.

Actually, better yet, wait til the day of the wedding to tell him - that way he can't help but have you both at the wedding otherwise they are down one groomsman for the ceremony and that won't look good for their wedding pictures, now will it!

He sounds like a right arsehole to be honest. Is there not a cancellation policy on your hotel room? Isn't it usually something like 48 hours or something so you should get your money back?

Als76

Your brother is an ass does he not have any family values. You and your daughter should attend the mass and then leave.Spend the day with your daughter and keep your values.

bridetobeone

I think you need to speak to your brother before this escalates into a Family feud. Just tell him the situation if he still refuses to allow your daughter to the wedding then it's really up to you what you do. You could always take her to the wedding and most Hotels have babysiters so you could get a babysitter to look after her during the meal and have her come down after. There seems to be a little more to this though, are you close to your brother?

Good luck with what ever you decide, all I know is it's not worth falling out over.

OS119

bridetobeone wrote: »

...all I know is it's not worth falling out over....

if my brother treated my daughter like that, it wouldn't just be worth falling out over, it'd be worth punching his lights out.

OP, i'd not go, and i don't think i'd ever speak to him again - you've mentioned how he's actually spoken to you to confirm his wishes, so it's not some awful administrative error, this is knowingly and deliberately causing your daughter real distress. big, fat red line with big fat consequences for crossing it.

i'd also escalate the matter - you say that no one in your family finds his behaviour acceptable, personally i'd want to know how unacceptable; i'd want to know that people who wanted a close, familial relationship with my daughter prized her welfare over both the actions of a boorish, inconsiderate git, and over having a 'quiet life'.

it's unrelated to the wedding, and i'd not go anyway, but i'd be thinking that people who didn't place the need of a 8 yo girl to be treated with care, consideration and to be protected from emotional harm above the rights of an adult to decide who goes to his wedding would be people i'd not want to be having a close relationship with my children.

he has the absolute right to invite - or disinvite - whoever he likes to his wedding, you have the absolute right to think him a total areshole for the way he's treated your daughter, and to make decisions about who you think should play a part in her life based on how they react to this situation.

good luck, well done, and never let anyone bully you into putting your kids into second place to satisfy the whims of others.

How Strange

Jeebus OP, your brother is acting like an ass and he's put you in a very difficult situation.

I'm guessing from your post that you two probably aren't that close. Also, I'm sure he is aware of your access arrangements with your daughters mother.

If I were in your position I would meet him face to face and let him squirm while you explain to him that he's put you in a very difficult position. He created this situation by asking your daughter and then taking back the invitation (which I've never heard of before!). Your daughter is definitely old enough to understand the situation, to get excited at the thought of the wedding and to be unbelievably upset at not going.

I can still remember the disappointment of not going to my aunt's wedding when I was 4 and my sister who was 6 was allowed go so even though I laugh about it know with my aunt and she says she was railroaded into not asking me and always regretting it I can definitely say that 31 years later I clearly remember the utter disappointment.

IMO you have to put your daughter before your brother. This isn't a problem of your making, he created it so let him sort out his groomsmen. I wouldn't give ultimatums or ask if they could make allowances for your daughter; you shouldn't have to do that.

Explain you don't want to fall out with him but YOU are disappointed with how HE has treated you and your daughter and you're first piority is her and she would be devasted if she were left behind while you went to the wedding that she was invited then uninvited to.

DvB

Have to say that your brother & his future wife are showing a distinct lack of class & sincerity here, how anyone can formally invite someone (a relative at that) to a wedding via written invitation only to revoke it for no apparent reason is beyond comprehension, in fact i'd go so far as to say I find such behaviour disgusting.

To answer the OP's original question, i'd quite simply break it down to having 2choices, 1. that you attend the full wedding with your daughter as originally invited or 2. you politely inform the 'couple' that you due to their actions are no longer in a position to attend. Obviously if you still want to attend as originally invited (with your daughter) this will more than likely be best tackled by directly discussing the situation with your brother & his fianceé & politely outlining the situation you have been put in by their actions, if they have any respect for you as the grooms brother & have any family values i'd hope that when confronted with this head on they'll see the error of their actions & withdraw their revoked invitation thus allowing your daughter to attend, if they dont, well being bluntly honest i'd question whether or not i'd really want to attend such a wedding & would probably advise spending the time with your daughter.

Genuinely a horrible, horrible situation OP, i hope its resolved to a mutually satisfactory conclusion, best of luck!

genie_us

Send your brother a link to this thread!

Good luck anyway, I hope it works out one way or the other

SeekUp

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

An eight yr old girl is neither here nor there when it comes to arranging tables or meals - it's both complete madness and utterly rude to "uninvite" someone to a wedding, never mind your niece and daughter of your brother and grooms-man.

Absolutely right. I think it's strange too -- especially since a separate invitation came for her after you received yours, almost as if she was an afterthought in the first place. Still, regardless of the situation/age/circumstances, it's ridiculously unacceptable to uninvite someone.

DvB wrote: »

1. that you attend the full wedding with your daughter as originally invited or 2. you politely inform the 'couple' that you due to their actions are no longer in a position to attend.

Another absolutely right. I don't like drama, and everyone's emotions are hightened when it comes to weddings and family gatherings. So I'd just be as frank and upfront as possible with your brother and tell him the predicament that you're in: you'd love to participate in his wedding, but the current circumstances mean that it's either you going to his wedding with your daughter or you taking care of your daughter and not attending his wedding. He's either going to be upset or understanding, and he's either going to say that she can come or he wishes you could be there. But it's respectful on your part, and what more could he ask of you than that?

tinkerbell

Why is the 10 year old cousin being invited if your daughter has been uninvited?

Clauric

New update.

Thanks to everybody who has posted. The comments, and opinions were very decisive, and very appreciated.

I tried to both meet my brother and speak to him by phone, but to no avail. I guess that means that I will not be going to the wedding.

Many thanks,

Clauric

Very sorry to hear that Clauric.

Ickle Magoo

His loss.

tinkerbell

He doesn't deserve you or your daughter at his wedding.

How Strange

Clauric wrote: »

New update.

Thanks to everybody who has posted. The comments, and opinions were very decisive, and very appreciated.

I tried to both meet my brother and speak to him by phone, but to no avail. I guess that means that I will not be going to the wedding.

Many thanks,

Clauric

So sorry to hear that. Make sure to plan a really nice day with your daughter that both of you will enjoy.

DvB

Clauric wrote: »

New update.

Thanks to everybody who has posted. The comments, and opinions were very decisive, and very appreciated.

I tried to both meet my brother and speak to him by phone, but to no avail. I guess that means that I will not be going to the wedding.

Many thanks,

Clauric

Thats despicable behaviour on your Brothers part!

OP, at least you can keep your head held high in the knowledge you have behaved & acted superbly in what is a horrible situation not of your own making, your brother (given his actions & subsequent lack therof) doesnt deserve to have such a person as yourself as his groomsman.

I hope you enjoy a great day with your daughter, you both thoroughly deserve one.

All the best.

The Lovely Muffin

Agree with everyone who says your brother has no cop-on and has acted in a nasty way towards your daughter (and yourself).

Judging by your posts, I get the feeling/vibe that yourself and your brother are not close and he simply only asked you to be a groomsman because he was turned down by other people.

This is just a thought/idea, but do you think your brother acted in this way so maybe you wouldn't attend the wedding/be his groomsman? Maybe he didn't have the maturity/ball's to say to you directly, so acted this way instead. Especially since your daughter's 10yo cousin is still invited to the wedding.

Either way, it's his (and his fiancee's) loss to not have yourself and your daughter at their wedding.

If they had a child and someone was to treat their child like this, how would they feel/react? My guess is, they probably wouldn't like it, rightly so too, no grandparent/parent wants to see their granchild/child treated in such a way anyone, let alone a family member.

Your brother and his fiancee com across as nasty and immature people with zero cop-on.

PS: Sorry if I rambled a bit.:o

amdublin

It was extremely rude of your brother to "un-invite" an eight year old girl.

But is it worth starting a family war over it?

I would tell your brother you are very unhappy with the sitation.

But at the end of the day it is one day, unfortunately I think you should leave your daughter at home.

Rise above it. If possible!

Bad brother!

Neyite

most little girls love the idea of weddings - god knows i spent plenty of time as a little girl marrying Barbie off to Action Man(Ken was always too wussy:D)

she will always remember this snub, so yes, i would take a stand, and not attend. its a disgusting thing to do to a little girl.

smelltheglove

As above little girls love weddings and for the sake of your daughters feelings and excitement I would still try speak to your brother about it.

Heineken Helen

amdublin wrote: »

It was extremely rude of your brother to "un-invite" an eight year old girl.

But is it worth starting a family war over it?

I would tell your brother you are very unhappy with the sitation.

But at the end of the day it is one day, unfortunately I think you should leave your daughter at home.

Rise above it. If possible!

Bad brother!

I would agree here... although I feel as if we're being dragged into an already existing feud and that we don't know the full story... cos, if this were a standalone event, it's despicable... and one I would certainly have argued at the time. When he initially told you of the 'uninvitation' did you not say 'hang on, wtf?'.

My family don't have much say as to the guest list but my niece and nephews ARE my family too... I'm not having kids OTHER than them at the wedding. AND I've already decided that, even though we're not doing a plus 1 for most people, if somebody asks for it or has a situation why they need it, they can have one.

From the brothers point of view, he's behaving like a kid... but so are you by involving your parents and aunts and uncles and everyone invited to the wedding... you should be able to stand up to your brother yourself and, if you're not, don't sink to his level by giving everyone else a bad taste about the situation.

In saying that, it's easy to give that advice when you're not in the situation.