I think I've just gone and ruined my life

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Right now, more than anytime in my whole life (I am 26) I could do with some advice. Some hope. Anything. Something to just get feedback. My friends cannot listen to me anymore. I have become sad, dejected and unsociable.

Over the last two years my life has fallen apart. Month by Month it seems to get worse. I am seriously up the creek and the paddle has long been lost. Every strand of my life (Family, friends, relationships, work) have all disintegrated to the point where I am so isolated and lost-at-sea that I can't see a way back without expending energy and hard work that I no longer believe I am capable of.

Two weeks ago I lost my job. It was a good job. I didn't enjoy it but it paid my rent and bills and gave me some form of purpose. I lost it through gross misconduct. Basically I was given work and instead of doing it would delay it until the deadline passed and then curse myself for not doing it promplty. This rumbled on for a year until finally they bit the bullet. I don't blame them entirely but they did make my life hell and there was an element of bullying involved too. Anyway, that's over. And because I was fired, I don't qualify for social welfare. So I am facing into weeks of not being able to pay the rent or eat. The reason? I had so much debt I didn't save and instead cleared the debt. (14,000 now paid off, another relic of my recklessness).

The point is, I am incapable of living life like a grown mature adult. I am not spoilt, I came from a poor family who earned less than the average wage. Money was always a struggle. I worked from the age of 10 one way or another. Always had a job, put myself through college, got a degree, got an M.Litt, have held good jobs and the one just gone was on paper the best one of all with a fairly decent income. But I am not able to concentrate on anything, I live in my head. I guess there is alot of unresolved issues. I went through therapy to get the bottom of this, and it was generally conceeded that my family life, constantly unhappy, fighting, alcoholism was my driving force and that I have hang-ups on leaving and travelling to 'find myself' if you will.

The therapy helped but honestly, over ther last two years my life has descended into a complete mess. At present I am fast becoming a recluse. I don't want to be around my friends, I literally want to curl up and sleep for ever. They are sick of me anyway, I bring no joy to their lives anymore and I can see how I am isolating myself with them but I literally cannot force a smile or feign interest in anything anymore. Now I know at this point there will be suggestions that I should see my GP and that I sound depressed. But, I have been there, done that and bought thre T-shirt. While I am sure there is alot genetic factors at play, I also believe my low episodes can be attributed to my living circumstances all of which I have chosen of my own accord.

I have been hiding a side to myself that I really wish I hadn't. I am open, honest person but I seem to have a hang-up about it and it is now reaching boiling point. I am bisexual. I always have been. I always reasoned that my gf's would be so entirely repulsed by the notion that I never shared it. My mates (all lads primarily) would more or less alienate me, they are like a pack, they go out and chat up girls, they get drunk, we all play on a soccer team together etc. Its a mans man group and judging by their reaction when one of their cousins came out, I don't think I could handle the reaction. They do love me. Or at least who I am pretending to be. I have fallen for one of my closest friends too. He and I have had our moments, where we have crossed the line. Usually drink-induced, and we are quite physical with each other. We have never kissed etc but we have cuddled, gotten close and there have been moments where it seemed something would happen. He has a gf now. They spend most of their time together. She's a great girl and I am happy for him but it has made me realise how wrong I was and how much I liked him. I see them together and die inside, yet at the same time I am entirely happy for him and her. They are great together and I have been there for both of them in the past. I always will and I have no intention of letting my jealousy get the better of me. If I am entirely honest, I fancy her too, another realisation that just doens't sit well with me. I know not many people can even fathom or relate to a situation like this but it's so unhealthy for me. I need to distance myself from both of them fast.The fact I can't share any of this to anyone kills me. I feel like the world's biggest fruad. I don't want to see any of my friends again tbh.

So I am broke, jobless and in desperate need of a solution. I don't expect sympathy. I am a f*** up. A complete disaster. I havn't spoken to my family in two years proper bar the usual politeness at Christmas and birthdays. Two of the family members I was closest to died over the last year and it led me to turn to drink/drugs and infatuations to take my mind off of it. I am not an alchoholic or a drug addict but I do overdo it and as a result have a foggier mind than I otherwise would. I broke up with my gf 6 months ago because I couldn't continue lying to myself and to her about my sexuality and I although I've never been with a guy, the urge is taking over me. We still talk but I just feel the whole things is contaminated beyond belief. I look at those around me and sigh when I think of how they get to live their lives without these sexual complications etc.

I am at a complete loss. Its like I've woken up today and seen how dangerous I am to myself. I really am my own worst enemy. I will always chose the option that is least likely to make me happy in the long-term. Its this short-termism that has landed me where I am and I honestly just want to run away. I would give anything to just leave and go travelling somewhere to clear my head and get me back on track. It seems the longer I stay here the worse things are getting.

I guess I don't know what I am asking.
Thanks for reading.

JuliusCaesar

From the Wikipedia LGBT site

The gay scene in Ireland is quite developed and Irish society has become more open and tolerant as a result of increased levels of prosperity and rising liberal attitudes. Indeed many foreigners comment that for such a small island nation of 6 million, there's so much going on, with vibrant gay scenes in all Irish cities Dublin (2 superpubs, 2 gay bars + 13 club venues), Belfast (1 superpub, 3 gay bars + 5 club venues), Cork (4 bars + 5 club venues), Limerick, Derry, Galway and Waterford. There are 8 Gay Lesbian Resource centres in Ireland, 1 LGBT centre in Dublin, 1 LGBT centre in Belfast, 1 gay centre & 1 lesbian centre in Cork, 1 LGBT drop-in centre in Limerick, 1 LGBT centre in Derry, 1 LGBT centre in Waterford and 1 LGBT drop-in centre in Dundalk.

the B stands for Bisexual. Dunno if this is of any use to you, but you sound like you need to get to know more people - people who'll be more accepting.
And you might find that some girls will be more accepting than others....you just have to trust them enough to tell them.

As you sure you aren't entitled to some emergency short-term Social Welfare payment? Just to tide you over.
Well done on clearing your debts - looks like you're doing something right.

dellas1979

Well, I guess, the thing is if you go travelling at this stage, you will still face some of the same problems when you get back and is not really the solution.

In my experience, things have a way of working themselves out, but instead of coping with all of the above at once, which would overwhelm anyone, you need to take things slowly and one step at a time.

For example, your immediate problem is tackling your financial situation. You are entitled to social welfare even if you are fired. Am not an expert - you may not be entitled to job seekers allowance, but another form i.e. the dole. This is means tested etc (there is a forum here on boards for social welfare queries/questions). You need to recheck what you have been told.

The second would be prehaps gaining your friendships back and family support. You need to put on a brave face to the world. In times of sadness and hardship, you should not have to cope on your own. But sometimes friends and family cannot cope with someone elses problems, let alone their own, so maybe talking to a trained professional would help.

I wouldnt be thinking beyond the above at the moment, but thats how Id cope.

I wouldnt give up just yet. Ive seriously fallen flat on my face numerous times and have had to crawl my way back up. I think most people on here have faced crazy moments in their lives too. Life has a way of going up and down. And its not how or why you fall, its how you get back up. When you get though all this, it will probably most likely be the making of you.

tenchi-fan

DestructiveJ wrote: »

Hey guys,

Right now, more than anytime in my whole life (I am 26) I could do with some advice. Some hope. Anything. Something to just get feedback. My friends cannot listen to me anymore. I have become sad, dejected and unsociable.

Hi really long post so I'm going to go through it paragraph by paragraph because i'm a huge ****-up at the best of times and I'm 28.

But, this sounds like you're depressed because your sad and you're sad because you're depressed. It's a rut and you're not the only one to feel like this at times.

DestructiveJ wrote: »

Over the last two years my life has fallen apart. Month by Month it seems to get worse. I am seriously up the creek and the paddle has long been lost. Every strand of my life (Family, friends, relationships, work) have all disintegrated to the point where I am so isolated and lost-at-sea that I can't see a way back without expending energy and hard work that I no longer believe I am capable of.

Two weeks ago I lost my job. It was a good job. I didn't enjoy it but it paid my rent and bills and gave me some form of purpose. I lost it through gross misconduct. Basically I was given work and instead of doing it would delay it until the deadline passed and then curse myself for not doing it promplty. This rumbled on for a year until finally they bit the bullet. I don't blame them entirely but they did make my life hell and there was an element of bullying involved too. Anyway, that's over. And because I was fired, I don't qualify for social welfare.

If you are fired you DO qualify for social welfare. It's only if you quit they can put in a 9 week waiting period!! So there's some good news

As for the horrible job.. been there. Twice. Once for 15 months. Next for 6 months. Then I took a few months to travel which just left me in debt! Then I worked a really terrible job for 9 months which involved an 8k paycut compared to my previous job. I was a lot happier.

DestructiveJ wrote: »

So I am facing into weeks of not being able to pay the rent or eat. The reason? I had so much debt I didn't save and instead cleared the debt. (14,000 now paid off, another relic of my recklessness).

Congratulations on being debt free. That should be a huge weight of your mind because I know a lot of people who lost their jobs even though they had credit card debt and huge car loans.

DestructiveJ wrote: »

The point is, I am incapable of living life like a grown mature adult. I am not spoilt, I came from a poor family who earned less than the average wage. Money was always a struggle. I worked from the age of 10 one way or another. Always had a job, put myself through college, got a degree, got an M.Litt, have held good jobs and the one just gone was on paper the best one of all with a fairly decent income. But I am not able to concentrate on anything, I live in my head. I guess there is alot of unresolved issues. I went through therapy to get the bottom of this, and it was generally conceeded that my family life, constantly unhappy, fighting, alcoholism was my driving force and that I have hang-ups on leaving and travelling to 'find myself' if you will.

quit drink. It's a depressant. Even if you don't drink that much, your life can take a brilliant turn for the better by having the discipline to cut out certain things like drink and unhealthy foods. I would definitely suggest going abroad, either with friends, alone, or as part of a group of strangers with a charity. Even for one month. Just go for it!

DestructiveJ wrote: »

The therapy helped but honestly, over ther last two years my life has descended into a complete mess. At present I am fast becoming a recluse. I don't want to be around my friends, I literally want to curl up and sleep for ever. They are sick of me anyway, I bring no joy to their lives anymore and I can see how I am isolating myself with them but I literally cannot force a smile or feign interest in anything anymore. Now I know at this point there will be suggestions that I should see my GP and that I sound depressed. But, I have been there, done that and bought thre T-shirt. While I am sure there is alot genetic factors at play, I also believe my low episodes can be attributed to my living circumstances all of which I have chosen of my own accord.

Being alone can be a blessing sometimes - it's great being able to just invite your friends into your life when you want them instead of being expected to go out drinking every week and being "great craic"... that's a typical Irish thing really for young men but at a certain age you just need more in life.

DestructiveJ wrote: »

I have been hiding a side to myself that I really wish I hadn't. I am open, honest person but I seem to have a hang-up about it and it is now reaching boiling point. I am bisexual. I always have been. I always reasoned that my gf's would be so entirely repulsed by the notion that I never shared it. My mates (all lads primarily) would more or less alienate me, they are like a pack, they go out and chat up girls, they get drunk, we all play on a soccer team together etc. Its a mans man group and judging by their reaction when one of their cousins came out, I don't think I could handle the reaction. They do love me. Or at least who I am pretending to be. I have fallen for one of my closest friends too. He and I have had our moments, where we have crossed the line. Usually drink-induced, and we are quite physical with each other. We have never kissed etc but we have cuddled, gotten close and there have been moments where it seemed something would happen. He has a gf now. They spend most of their time together. She's a great girl and I am happy for him but it has made me realise how wrong I was and how much I liked him. I see them together and die inside, yet at the same time I am entirely happy for him and her. They are great together and I have been there for both of them in the past. I always will and I have no intention of letting my jealousy get the better of me. If I am entirely honest, I fancy her too, another realisation that just doens't sit well with me. I know not many people can even fathom or relate to a situation like this but it's so unhealthy for me. I need to distance myself from both of them fast.The fact I can't share any of this to anyone kills me. I feel like the world's biggest fruad. I don't want to see any of my friends again tbh.

I'm gay.. it's harder than bi :P

All of my friends were surprised when I told them a few years ago & I didn't know and didn't really care how they'd react. At the time I had a few groups of friends.. but it turns out my core group of friends took it a lot better than I could have imagined.

I have a bi mate who has a kid from a previous relationship and a boyfriend. He told me he doesn't want to be bi and feels really ashamed. I just felt so dumbfounded.. he has a kid and a boyfriend, I don't.. and he's feeling depressed! It's just that he has a very negative outlook and can't see everything he has going for him.

As for falling for a friend... you'll do that once and it won't happen again because you'll realise how futile it is. The attraction can last a year or more and you just need to distance yourself from him until you're over him.

DestructiveJ wrote: »

So I am broke, jobless and in desperate need of a solution. I don't expect sympathy. I am a f*** up. A complete disaster. I havn't spoken to my family in two years proper bar the usual politeness at Christmas and birthdays. Two of the family members I was closest to died over the last year and it led me to turn to drink/drugs and infatuations to take my mind off of it. I am not an alchoholic or a drug addict but I do overdo it and as a result have a foggier mind than I otherwise would. I broke up with my gf 6 months ago because I couldn't continue lying to myself and to her about my sexuality and I although I've never been with a guy, the urge is taking over me. We still talk but I just feel the whole things is contaminated beyond belief. I look at those around me and sigh when I think of how they get to live their lives without these sexual complications etc.

I agree with the sexual complications... But other people have their own problems too. I know a girl whose sister killed herself while her mother was on her deathbed from an sudden uncurable illness. I know a guy with 2 kids and a girlfriend who shot himself in the head. Some people have it easy and you, my friend, are part of the large majority who doesn't! Accept life isn't fair and move on.

DestructiveJ wrote: »

I am at a complete loss. Its like I've woken up today and seen how dangerous I am to myself. I really am my own worst enemy. I will always chose the option that is least likely to make me happy in the long-term. Its this short-termism that has landed me where I am and I honestly just want to run away. I would give anything to just leave and go travelling somewhere to clear my head and get me back on track. It seems the longer I stay here the worse things are getting.

I guess I don't know what I am asking.
Thanks for reading.

I replied to this post in sections because I want to show you how to break up problems, look at the positive and just accept the negative.

But I think you need more councelling from a professional to really get through these issues.

And you have a great education - it really came across in your post. I think the more intelligent people are, the more critical they are of themselves and the more they beat themselves up.

My life isn't perfect either & I went from being a party animal with a boyfriend to someone who works too much for too little. I admitted to my friend yesterday that I prefer going to the pub with one or two people for a few drinks and conversation over going out where I can meet old acquaintances and new people. But I miss my life not being so much fun.

I just try to find ways to make my life a bit better whenever I can and it's not easy - esp in this economic climate, but it's better than sitting around wasting energy moping.

PS I think I beat your record for the longest post on boards.ie ever!!