really mess up, sort of scared & clueless (about my college course)

LegacyUser

I'm 20 years old now & I was never really too sure what I wanted to do when I was in school,
Until I got a book on loads of courses in ucd & I saw landscape architecture I thought,
"wow, that looks nice, but I'll never get the points"
...but I did, however I droped out in a panic 'cause I was starting to get picked on again, just like in school.

After taking a year off, I felt that dropping out was a dumb thing to do, & I knew I didn't try at all when I was in college, so I applied for the same course in a MUCH smaller college, 'cause the points went up, & said "this time I'm not letting anyone scare me or take this away from me"

one of my parents has a drink problem so working at home is a bit hard.
despite that, I was working, but was always struggling with the coursework & deep down, I know I'm just not good enough & don't have nearly half the passion as the other students, & I'm just not enjoying it as much as I assumed

So all this time I've just been fooling myself that this type of career is for me, & I'm really terrified about what I should do with my life, I feel like such a f*cking loser, a waster, a good for nothing dunce.

I was also exempt from Irish in school, but after the leaving I became extremely fond of the Irish language & Irish culture in general, so I'm tempted to just run away to a gaeltacht region & just learn the lovely language, but I'm not sure, & I'm scared if that's just gonna be another impetuous dumb thing to do...

thanks.

Donkey Oaty

Hi OP.

Some thoughts:

You've raised lots of things, and I think think the core of your problem is lack of self-confidence. You've had to deal with being picked on at school, problems at home...these are big issues that would affect anyone, so don't be so hard on yourself.

Your low self-esteem is what really needs addressing - not why you are worthless (you are not) but why you feel this way and how to break out of the cycle. I think you could do with professional help on this, or some better answers than I am able to give.

Best of luck.

PS: Luckily for you, learning a new language is a great way to develop self-confidence. As every day goes by, progress is made. You don't have to "run away" to an Irish speaking area to learn Irish, but if you do decide to relocate, run towards it, not away!

Kevster

hi,

So, let me get this clear: You have applied to another college (same course) and are waiting for the reply? That's good, if that is the case. For what reasons were you getting picked on in UCD though? Be clear about them and don't just pass them off as meaningless. i think it's rather important to think about what the reasons were, as I'm feeling they were more to do with your own vulnerabilities than anything else. i'm nt saying this to be offensive - I'm saying it in the hope that you see it as constructive criticism.

Also, I doubt you can provide any evidence that others have more "passion" or are better than you. You are a human just like the rest of us, and you have just as much rights as the Queen of England or a homeless person lying drunk in a gutter. We're all the same.

You have a lot of potential that is waiting to be released. The way I got out of living in fear was by making myself angry. I was in your position - I must admit - but it pissed me off. One day I said that enough was ebough, and I now don't let any other sucker take advantage of me. I don't live in fear anymore.

Kevin

yeahimhere

The previous posters have great advice so I'm only going to add this to their advice.

You're only 20 now. I used to be the same and actually hated the "words of wisdom" people used to give me about my age and that I'd finally figure it out. But believe me it's true.

Go with your gut at the moment about what you want to do, don't feel like that you have to do a course just because it's the thing to do. Do whatever you enjoy and things will fall into place. You should really enjoy yourself at this age and you're allowed to try things out for yourself to see what you really enjoy.

While I don't think you should make yourself unhappy, I think it's important to be able to stick at things. I know too many people who make excuses and drop out when things get difficult and say 'well, I'll go and do X instead', only for the same thing to happen, because they're running away from their issues instead of fixing them.

Most people I know who have changed course/dropped out more than once end up doing it over and over and saying 'but this time it'll be different' and it never is. I know a lot of people will disagree with me here, but I don't think most people are in love with their college course. I certainly found mine disappointing, and hard work and I didn't like the people much, but after some long hard thinking, I decided I'd probably feel the same about any course. Even if you love the topic, endless piles of reading, coursework and essays are just not fun for the majority of people. Be wary of thinking everyone else has more passion or is better than you - I felt like that in college and came out with better grades than most of them. Some people are just good at 'acting' like intellectuals but have very little substance to back it up.

Even now, I'm doing my dream Masters and to be honest, most of it still feels like a big drag and I'd rather be sitting in the park or in a beer garden or actually meeting people to practise my languages than being stuck in a windowless library all day highlighting books. I now just look at my studies like any other job - I do this for 8 hours a day or whatever, but my real life is outside it. It's all a means to an end really - I wasn't qualified for the jobs I wanted with my B.A, so I'm hoping I will now have more opportunities.

I think you should pick up as many hobbies as possible, but you don't have to drop one thing to do the next. You don't need to run away to the Gaeltacht to learn Irish, you can do an evening course, watch Irish TV, meet up with Irish speakers in the pub to practise and have fun. You can do this virtually anywhere in Ireland. At the end of the day, only you know how you feel but I think it's too easy to put things off until the 'perfect' opportunity arises, and real life isn't like that. Lots of students are sick, have stress, have part-time jobs that take up too much time. Very few people have totally perfect situations. If you decide you just aren't able/have no interest in college, that's one thing, but you will have many more opportunities with a degree than without one.