how long?

Elka

Hi.

So DH has been 'off sex' ever since I got pregnant with our second child some 10 months ago - it was the same with our first, so no surprises there (I appreciate some of the reticence, though we both know there's no medical reason for abstaining. It's a psychological thing with DH.)
Having discussed things frankly with DH, it occured to me that he has been 'off sex' since at least when I got pregnant with baby no.1, which brings us back to April 2005.
When I realised this, and that this had been discussed before over the years, it occured to me that perhaps I've been too patient. Having discussed the possible reasons for his lack of physical intimacy (is he gay? is he seeing someone else? am I no longer attractive to him? is the problem physical?), I've been very clear about what I would like, and DH has agreed and is aware that he has been less than forthcoming in his expressions of intimacy.
With this in mind, he has long ago suggested getting more exercise, cutting back on cigarettes (10/day) and drink (1 bottle over a week). Five years later, this tactic has not worked.
Which brings me to my query: I want more intimacy in my relationship with my husband, I miss him and 'it'. We are married, and I am committed to our marriage, but I will not go through life without physical intimacy. So: Would it be out of order for me to sleep on the sofa? The way I see it, as long as I sleep in the marital bed, I am agreeing with the status quo, that there is nothing wrong, when of course there is.
Any thoughts?

cafecolour

Wait, did he express you getting more exercise/off cigs/drink, or himself?

I'd bring him to couples counseling, to get to the root of it. If you want to get freudian pop psychology about it, there's the thought that he simply has gone from seeing you as a 'woman' - okay to sexualize, to a 'mother' - something pure and not okay to sexualize.

It can be more prevalent in Catholic countries, as the Catholic church tends to focus on Mary as a perpetual virgin - free from sexual desire and 'pure' even after the birth of Christ - and downplay the multiple younger siblings he is said to have in the Bible.

LegacyUser

Elka wrote: »

So: Would it be out of order for me to sleep on the sofa? The way I see it, as long as I sleep in the marital bed, I am agreeing with the status quo, that there is nothing wrong, when of course there is.
Any thoughts?

Sleeping on the couch seems very childish to me. Discuss it like adults. If things don't change, you said yourself you need sex, you will have to separate.
There is a reason for what's happening, either he discusses it with you and works on it or you walk.

shellyboo

Forgive the question, Op... But how on earth did you get pregnant with no. 2 if there's *no* intimacy? Seems to me there must be some; albeit not as much as you'd like. How often do you have sex usually? I agree that it seems like the pregnancy issue is a convenient excuse for him.