Lesbian friend in a heterosexual marriage

LegacyUser

A lesbian friend is married to a man and finding things emotionaly difficult. She is determined to remain io the marriage for the children and the financial security it provides, but admits that she doesn't love her husband in the sexual sense. Has even spoken of seeking lesbian prostitudes. I feel quite sorry for her and would say it's not that unusual. I'd like to support her and offer her hope for the future. Any idea how?.

Chuchoter

Sucks to be her husband....she has to leave. Shes wasting her chances at finding love and her husbands. Thats really all you can tell her.

crotalus667

Tell her to talk to her husband for all she knows he might want to keep up the facade and have an open marrage . as far as the hooker thing goes it will cost her 250-450 an hour and she risks bringing back an std which is not fair on he husband

Dr. Baltar

The children come first.

Always.

A friend of mine's mam left his dad because she was a lesbian and he was fine with it because he was old enough to emotionally handle the situation.
If the kids aren't in their mid-teens at least I would suggest sticking this out.

GA361

Big bird and the cookie monster wrote: »

she doesn't love her husband in the sexual sense.

I noticed how you said she doesn't love him in a sexual sense. I would assume that alot of (heterosexual) married couples become like this after a number of years also, but still 'love' each other . . . they don't necessarilly need to be having passionate sex to constitute a loving relationship.

crotalus667 wrote: »

Tell her to talk to her husband for all she knows he might want to keep up the facade and have an open marrage . as far as the hooker thing goes it will cost her 250-450 an hour and she risks bringing back an std which is not fair on he husband

Or an embarrising night in a Garda Barracks :eek:

Dr. Baltar wrote: »

The children come first.

Always.

A friend of mine's mam left his dad because she was a lesbian and he was fine with it because he was old enough to emotionally handle the situation.
If the kids aren't in their mid-teens at least I would suggest sticking this out.

+1

LegacyUser

Money is particularily important for her, she's not avaricous, but felt from the beginning that her own earning potential was fairly limited and in the material sense her quality of life is much better than she could have managed alone. She did try talking to the husband once but he was dismissive and doesn't want to try again. I do know of spouses who are as someone earlier said happy to remain in the marriage despite gay or bi tendencies, but very unlikely this guy.....should I try to emphasise that it doesn't have to be for life? endure for the next 10-15 years and then you might be able to get out?the kids are small....

Jinxi

Dr. Baltar wrote: »

The children come first.

Always.

A friend of mine's mam left his dad because she was a lesbian and he was fine with it because he was old enough to emotionally handle the situation.
If the kids aren't in their mid-teens at least I would suggest sticking this out.

its a hard situation to be in... but IMHO, I think children need to have strong role models. especially in what is and is NOT acceptable when it comes to being in a relationship

This woman runs the risk of her children thinking a sexless, intimate-less relationship is the norm and women should settle for less even if they are miserable.

Children analyse their parents relationship from a very young age and sense tensions that parents try and hide.

IrishTonyO

Have to say my sympathy is far more with her husband than her. Especially when she considers financial security a more important issue than honesty. I also have sympathy for her children as they will be influenced by their parents relationship consciously or subconsciously. She might think she is doing the right thing for her children, however I would venture to say she is probably doing more damage than good.

Beruthiel

Big bird and the cookie monster wrote: »

I'd like to support her and offer her hope for the future. Any idea how?.

Be a friend.
That is all.
Do not get involved in any other way. This is something she must come to a decision on by herself.

shoegirl

kermit the frog wrote: »

Money is particularily important for her, she's not avaricous, but felt from the beginning that her own earning potential was fairly limited and in the material sense her quality of life is much better than she could have managed alone. She did try talking to the husband once but he was dismissive and doesn't want to try again. I do know of spouses who are as someone earlier said happy to remain in the marriage despite gay or bi tendencies, but very unlikely this guy.....should I try to emphasise that it doesn't have to be for life? endure for the next 10-15 years and then you might be able to get out?the kids are small....

You make trade offs in your life depending on what you want from it.

If you make money more important than your own happiness well the consequences of your choice is that your own happiness is compromised. I hate to sound mean but sounds very selfish to not only have put her own financial security and desire for children first, now she's turning around and wants sex, what about the other people who will be hurt by this, gay and straight? Her husband, her children, and whatever woman she decides to inflict herself on? Come on now and lets be honest about this, a lot of other people are potentially about to get hurt.

Personally I feel there isn't a lot you can do for this woman, she's looking to have it both ways and she has to compromise one way or another. Even now lots of gay teens run away from home and leave school early so they can be honest and true to themselves and others. The premium they pay (and I know this from my own life choices) is more than repaid later on in life in terms of freedom from the consequences of choosing material things.

Heebie

She's being incredibly disrespectful to her husband, and to her children, by lying to them.

She'd be much better off NOT making her kids watch the mess that is a loveless marriage.. and to allow both herself and her husband to find true love & build loving relationships that can serve as examples to their kids of what a relationship should be between two people.

Kids are resilient, and will be much better off in the long-term with who parents who love them *AND* are both in satisfying relationships with people they love.

The last things she should be teaching her kids is that it's OK to be a lying sack simply because it's convenient, nor that one's personal happiness is unimportant in the overall scheme of things.

If she's not happy, her kids will sense it, and not be happy. They won't know the joys of being part of a true family, where everyone in the family loves everyone else.

In short: She should choose to be herself, and try very hard to keep amicable relations with her (to be ex) husband.

I feel sorry for her kids.

etoilerose

She should think about her own happiness, life is too short to live unhappily.

If my mom left my dad after 30 years of marriage cos she's a lesbian, I'd be disappointed that she stayed married that long..BUT I can understand why she wants to stay married. I mean.. For some children it's difficult to approve the fact that their mom is a lesbian.

Frei

Plus the longer she leaves it, the harder it will be for her husband to find a loving relationship.