Worried about "friend"

LegacyUser

Hey. I am in my final year in college doing a 4 year course. Over this time I've made a few good friends. I guess you could say we have sort of a tight group of mates that always sit with each other in lectures or at lunch. Anyways....

This one friend of ours is a sound guy, but he never wants to do anything with us. By that I mean he doesnt go to the cinema, pub even to the shop! Whats even weirder is that he never comes with us to lunch, just goes off doing his own thing without telling anyone!

His best friend in college has never seen him outside of college hours or college grounds since he first met him. We've tried numerous times to get him to go out with us but he just makes excuses..

Should we be worried? Is it just a case that he just prefers being alone? Should we just "give up" trying to get him to do things with us?

Thanks.

Tmeos

Hi OP - to be honest with you it sounds like your friend might just be a bit of a loner and just like doing his own thing. Thats fine - alot of people are like that and you shouldn't force the issue.

Does he seem down or depressed in other ways? If so it might be worth keeping an eye on it and if not I'd just leave him off to do his own thing.

Taltos

Something else to consider is that your mate just might be strapped for cash and needs to stretch out his funds as much as possible.

XarcherX

i would just leave him to it to be honest. If it was a depression thing he probable wouldn't even socialise with people much at all at lectures / lunch.
Just leave him be until he gets comfortable enough to actually accept your invitations.
Also, how do you know that what he's giving are excuses and not his actual plans?
You should keep the invitations open tho, don't stop asking him just cos he says no all the time, he may surprise you one day and start saying yes.
Invite but don't pressure.

my 2 cents

Des Carter

Oh come on its obvious as hell whats going on here.

He's clearly a reverse vampire (only comes out in the day) that would explain why he doesnt go out at night and when ye are going for lunch he goes off and finds his own 'lunch' obviously.

Silverfish

Des Carter, I appreciate you're new here, so please have a read of the charter before posting in this forum.

Off-topic or unhelpful responses can earn you a ban from this forum.

Thanks.

John Mason

may be he doesnt like your group, or has different friends.

if he doesnt want to hang around with your gang, there really isnt anything you can do about i

LegacyUser

Well if he didnt like our group then he wouldn't sit beside us, but he does. He's grand to have a chat with and have a good laugh, but once we step outside that lecture hall door, he's nowhere to be seen.

He doesnt seem depressed at all. Quite the opposite. He's not worried about exams, always smiling and laughing. And him having other friends? I dont think so. We've never seen him talking with anyone besides us and thats the truth.

sam34

concerned 1 wrote: »

And him having other friends? I dont think so. We've never seen him talking with anyone besides us and thats the truth.

but you said ye've never seen him outside college hours or off the college campus, so the reality is ye havent got a clue how he spends his free time

he could have a huge circle of friends that ye know nothing about, and may just be polite and friendly to ye because he sees ye as classmates rather than real friends, ie people that are artificially thrown together rather than people that would actively seek each other out

LegacyUser

Well I find it unusual that this guy commutes to college everyday and doesnt pal around with anyone. Maybe he does have friends at home, but he doesnt talk about them. Its just very unusual as we've never met anyone that behaved like this before...

sam34

to be perfectly honest, your "concern" is coming across as pure nosiness


just because he doesnt conform to your social norms, it doesnt mean there is anything wrong with him

some people view college as a time when they will make friends they wil retain for life

others view it as a means to an end, sonething to be done that they just get through so they can go out into the real world and start working

it sounds like he is in teh latter group and has no particular interest in making friends with people that are not likely to be in his life longterm

Dave!

Why are you so concerned about trying to get him to pal with you? As long as you're leaving the option there for him, it's up to him what he wants to do. I mean ye are hardly really close/best buds if you don't have lunch with him and don't go out with him ever.

So what's the fuss? Just forget about it and let him do his thing

PlayMusiC.SCT

What is going on ? Is there a romantic connection ? Are you being drawn in by this mysterious trait of his ? or
are you Genuinley worried about him, it seems like your intriged rather than worried . Yes , just give up on him , how he responds to that will tell you more about him

LegacyUser

I don't like how this is being turned against me. I am genuinely concerned and not as someone said "nosiness".

I don't think it's a good thing when everyone in the class thinks he's odd. I have mentioned him to a few people in the class and some have asked me who I was talking about because he's very anti-social.

And if it was a case of us just being "intrigued" about him, why would we bother to make an effort in getting him to come out with us or join us for lunch?

Dave!

concerned 1 wrote: »

I don't like how this is being turned against me. I am genuinely concerned and not as someone said "nosiness".

I don't think it's a good thing when everyone in the class thinks he's odd. I have mentioned him to a few people in the class and some have asked me who I was talking about because he's very anti-social.

And if it was a case of us just being "intrigued" about him, why would we bother to make an effort in getting him to come out with us or join us for lunch?

Well you've repeatedly made the effort and he's rebuffed you every time, so why persist? He clearly doesn't want to join you for whatever reason. It's his own prerogative, you're not gonna change the guy's nature (whatever that may be). If he wants to be a loner, let him be; if he just doesn't like your group, then that's how it is.

Have you actually asked him why he hasn't come out with you?

LegacyUser

Sounds like your writing about me. I am the one in my class that just doesn't bother with the others. I have been through absolute trauma since I started my first year in September. I am getting over it but haven't had the opportunity to mix with the class so I feel left behind. The times when I was going through depression, no one would have noticed. I remember sitting in a lecture literally dreaming about how I would be better off dead. Look for signs of depression in this guy, if not, leave him, I'm sure hes ok

LegacyUser

I used to be like that when I was in college. To be honest, a few people in class did try to get to know me and I would have sat beside them and talked of general things, but I never went on lunch with them, or even studied in the library with them, nevermind meet up down the pub or at a social event.

When I first started college, I was kind of young (17), completely out of my depth, was very depressed, had no money whatsoever, had a few family issues going on, commuted to college every day with a neighbour and was quite ashamed of myself...it's kind of hard to explain.

I guess to be put a label on it, I had social anxiety and no confidence. So, for those 4 years, I literally went to college, went to the library during lunch-break (or went down town) and came home, and avoided people out of class.

The last thing I needed was for someone to force themselves at me repeatedly-like telling me "You have to come out". I wouldn't have been able to handle that...too much stress. I know that the class must have thought I was weird/odd/anti-social, and maybe I was, but I was kind of aware of them thinking that, too.

My advice is to just leave him be, cause that's what I wanted when I was like him.

rainbowtrout

concerned 1 wrote: »

Well I find it unusual that this guy commutes to college everyday and doesnt pal around with anyone. Maybe he does have friends at home, but he doesnt talk about them. Its just very unusual as we've never met anyone that behaved like this before...

Not everyone sees college as a way of life and feels that every waking moment on campus has to be spent with a bunch of people in their class/going to the pub etc. Some people hate college/college life and only go because it's a means to an end, they have to complete the course to get the required qualification. I had a couple of friends like that.

I lived at home when I was in college and while I had plenty of friends in college, they were completely separate from my friends that I had outside college life.

Or maybe he just doesn't find your group particularly interesting and wants to spend his time doing other things.

I did a postgrad after my degree and every thursday night most of my postgrad class went to a 70s night in town. I never went and was accused on occasion of being anti-social. Anti-social simply because I chose not to spend time in their company on a thursday night. The reality was that I used to go to a drum and bass night with my other friends from my original course every thursday night. It was a part of my life that was separate to my postgrad, yet because I didn't revolve around these people (that I didn't know very well) I was the odd one.

LegacyUser

Same_guy wrote: »

I used to be like that when I was in college. To be honest, a few people in class did try to get to know me and I would have sat beside them and talked of general things, but I never went on lunch with them, or even studied in the library with them, nevermind meet up down the pub or at a social event.

When I first started college, I was kind of young (17), completely out of my depth, was very depressed, had no money whatsoever, had a few family issues going on, commuted to college every day with a neighbour and was quite ashamed of myself...it's kind of hard to explain.

I guess to be put a label on it, I had social anxiety and no confidence. So, for those 4 years, I literally went to college, went to the library during lunch-break (or went down town) and came home, and avoided people out of class.

The last thing I needed was for someone to force themselves at me repeatedly-like telling me "You have to come out". I wouldn't have been able to handle that...too much stress. I know that the class must have thought I was weird/odd/anti-social, and maybe I was, but I was kind of aware of them thinking that, too.

My advice is to just leave him be, cause that's what I wanted when I was like him.

That sounds exactly like him. Maybe I should just leave him alone. It doesn't feel right to be giving up on him (thats how it seems to me), but if it is a case that thats what he wants then I suppose its the right thing to do.

Eve_Dublin

I like your attitude, OP. A lot of people would label him a "weirdo" and leave it at that. Your attitude shows maturity and decency but I agree with others, maybe he's just a bit of an introvert and prefers his own company or he's still just a little unsure of himself. Give him space to sort that out for himself.