Giving someone space, and what exactly is a break?

LegacyUser

Hey,

Looking for some guidance here. Have been going out with a girl for 18 months and on Saturday evening she told me that she wanted "a break" to think things over about us and needs space.

This was utterly from the blue. The previous day I had collected her and her mate from the airport (they had been away for the week) and she seemed delighted to see me. I'd work the next morning, and she went off to meet her sister. She was meant to stay up and go out with me that night, but I got a call from her that afternoon that she was wrecked and was going to hit home (she lives on the other side of the country). I was looking forward to spending some time with her as while we'd talk every day on the phone for ages, we would normally only see each other every second weekend. Anyway, we had to meet up as she had my keys, and that's when she broke it to me that she wanted a break.

Obviously I was utterly devastated, particularly as I didn't see it coming and she wasn't especially clear about it all. She rang again on Sunday and explained herself a bit better that she was had some time to think on her holiday and had freaked out about the future and whether she was happy with where she was going with her life.

Anyway, I want to give her the space to make the right decision for herself. I love her to bits and want to be in a relationship with her. But I don't want to be in a relationship which is potentially causing hurting her, and which she isn't committed to. But I'm unsure as what to do. I told her that if she needed space, I was happy to give her that, and wouldn't be ringing or texting her and would leave things in her court.

However, I wrote her a long letter the other day setting out how I feel, what I wanted for the two of us, but also that we had a good eighteen months together, and that while I love her to bits, I don't want her unhappy. That letter is now in the post (went yesterday, so she probably only get it tomorrow), so whether sending it was a good or bad idea is irrelevant, but it did give me a great sense of relief writing it.

I'm not sure if there is anything else I should do. I want to give her space to make up her own mind, so while I want her to know I love her, I don't want to pester her. Should I leave things in her court, or should I try and do something more pro-active?

Secondly, what is a break? I'm taking it that we've broken up, and while we may get back together, we go on and live our lives. Is there an etiquette around these things? My only other relationship of a similar length ended in acrimony, so I had a clearer idea as to where I stood.

Sephiroth_dude

Id say leave things in her court and let her contact you when shes ready,try and keep yourself busy and try not to think about it or over anaylse (sp?) things otherwise you'll go crazy.

mood

Give her space and leave contact up to her but in the mean time you both need to know if you are offically broke up and free to do as you please or if you are just not seeing each other or in contact for a while and won't stray. She should also give you some indication of how long she need to think or whatever. It's not fair to keep you hanging. I think the latter was a good idea.

LegacyUser

Don't want to be overly negative but if it was out of the blue as you state then perhaps something happened over that week that she was away? Maybe she doesn't want to see you because she feels so guilty?

I don't want to scare you but if everythings fine and then out of the blue she wants a break after spending a week away with her friend then I'd be suspicious.

D-Generate

My guess is she got laid and is guilty.....

Break = Breakup but she is too cowardly just to do it straight off. Self-enforced absence never makes the heart grow fonder.
Just go out there and assume you are broken up. Go on dates with girls and have fun with your buddies. When she sees that life is going on for you and that you are in demand she will want you back

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for the feedback folks. To be honest, if she did mess up on her holiday, it wouldn't be the end of the world for me.

Anyway, she got my letter the other day, and it seemed to have made an impact on her as she rang me afterwards and we had a good chat. Things are in her court now - if they work out, awesome, if not, I'm satisfied I tried my best.

Wibbs

Deemed wrote: »

OP here. Thanks for the feedback folks. To be honest, if she did mess up on her holiday, it wouldn't be the end of the world for me.

While Im all for forgiveness and mature responses, be careful that such a laudable attitude doesnt become doormat territory. IMHO if a woman did mess up, she would be gone. No long talks. Goodbye. If she wanted back she would have to prove her worth to me again on a few levels. I'd say the same to a woman in that situation. Yes people can get back on track after, sometimes better too, but only if what happened is treated seriously. Of course an open relationship is a different thing.

Anyway, she got my letter the other day, and it seemed to have made an impact on her as she rang me afterwards and we had a good chat. Things are in her court now - if they work out, awesome, if not, I'm satisfied I tried my best.

Cool and fair play to your attitude. Good luck and hope it goes well for you.

LegacyUser

D-Generate wrote: »

My guess is she got laid and is guilty.....

Break = Breakup but she is too cowardly just to do it straight off. Self-enforced absence never makes the heart grow fonder.
Just go out there and assume you are broken up. Go on dates with girls and have fun with your buddies. When she sees that life is going on for you and that you are in demand she will want you back

Not necessarily. I went through something very similiar a few months ago OP so I know exactly how your feeling. You're torn between missing them and loving them but trying to keep dignity and leave them in peace. I know its super hard but give her the space she needs. I mean no texts, no phone calls, no nothing. Next to giving up smoking it was the hardest thing I think Ive ever had to do.

In my situation, he came back to me after sorting his head out. Thankfully... He really appreciated that I gave him the space he needed and discovered he missed me alot. Funny this happened after he came back from holidays too!! It was a mixture of personal problems and holiday blues I think.

Dont fret too much,there is hope. But under no circumstances do you contact her.Things have never been better between me and the OH There is hope, get on with your life. Go out with friends and keep yourself busy. Whats meant for you won't pass you by..
Best of luck!