bedroom issue

LegacyUser

hi everyone

would appreciate advice

am in my 30's, in a relationship with a man who is 20 yrs older than me

we dont live together

in terms of sex, he talks the talk, always saying we must try x/y/z, go to fetish clubs, go to amsterdam etc

now, i'm relatively inexperienced but am adventurous and willing to try (most) things

but it seems to be all talk with him

when we do have sex, its missionary all the way, with lights off

often, mostly, its me that initiates it

sometimes, i feel he's only going through the motions (pardon the pun), as if he thinks we *should* be doing it, or he thinks i want it and thats the only reason hes doing it

we talk a lot on msn, and anytime i try steer the conversation towards something sexy, he changes topic very quickly (but he has told me this cyber chat is something he used to do )

we're going on a pretty exotic holiday soon, and when we were chatting about it on msn recently, i said something about how great it was going to be, no computer, no mobiles, no hassle, just us, sun, sea, good food, nice wine and sex. ...he just replied yep and then totally changed topic.

when we do have sex, sometimes he pulls out midway through and says he's too tired continue, or else he pulls out and just finishes himself off. this baffles me, and confuses me and hurts me, tbh. plus it knocks my confidence.

i dont know what to do at this stage. i'm mad about him, and other than the bedroom isssue, we're getting on great. i dont know how to talk to him about it without it sounding like an attack or a criticism.

any advice?

miec

oh dear Op, this does not bode well. I think the reason your boyfriend talks in this manner is that he is pretending to himself that he is sexually open because he is supposed to be that way.

When I was reading how things actually are for you I was struck by the coldness of it, unfortunately the only way to tackle this problem is to discuss it with him but he may not be ready to listen and he may attack you verbally as a form of self defence. The only thing I would suggest is that you talk to him face to face, in a comfortable and private place (not the bedroom). I would stop initiating things, wait for him to make the move (he may not do so but it will bring the problem out in the open). It all depends on how he relates to this issue, but one thing I would say is that you feelings are on the money on this (speaking from experience) and that this is a problem he has but one that affects you. It is probably very likely that he had this problem before he met you so I doubt it is down to you. I would suggest that if he is not willing to deal with this issue in a mature way then you may have no option but to leave but I can tell you if he does not deal with it, your problem will be worse not better. Also sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I wouldn't get too excited about the possibility of swinging from the tree tops on the holiday, if anything you will get more of the I'm tired, etc excuses. I would mentally prepare yourself for a nice relaxing time but not much else.

Ickle Magoo

Perhaps as a 50yr old going out with a 30 yr old he's just trying to sound all young and exciting to keep you but he's not actually like that in real life, as you are finding out.

My jaw dropped when you said he pulls out mid-coital and has a **** instead, I assume you are not encouraging this if you feel it's knocking your confidence - and I presume he's not offering to help finish you off either? It sounds to me like he has several issues that he's trying, and failing, to hide. You need to sit him down, let him know how important this issue is to you and that getting it sorted is make or break and see what his response is.

Baring in mind how dishonest he's being between his claims and his actions and that he sees no problem with avoiding the issue or just satisfying himself, I'd be wary that he doesn't try to turn all this around and blame you for somehow causing HIS issues.

Best of luck.

mood

I agree that the 20 year age gap could be the problem a) trying to sound you and up for anything and b) not having the sexual energy you have.

I think stopping to finish him self off is unbelievably selfish and rude. I'm shocked with this to be honest.

How long are you going out? Are there any other issues in the relationship?

LegacyUser

we're together 7 months

other than this, the relationship is great

re him pulling out and ****, he doesnt do it immediately, like if he pulls out, he might say something like hes tired, or its too hot in the room or maybe he says nothing.... then it would be 5 mins or so before he would start ****

i dont know if that makes it better or worse, tbh

i never know what to say when he does this, so i say nothing

im left lying there thinking was it something i did or didnt do that meant he couldnt come from sex

the last time he did this, i was quite annoyed, so after he came, he wasnt exactly trying to make sure i was satisfied, so i decided "f*ck it" and i made myself come, he was lying beside me, and he didnt say anything but did hold my free hand

he seems very open about everything but i wonder why he cant/doesnt talk about this with me


i just dont know how to broach it without sounding like im being critical (the fact is that i AM being critical, he doesnt do it for me in bed)

Abi

unsurewoman wrote: »

hi everyone

would appreciate advice

am in my 30's, in a relationship with a man who is 20 yrs older than me

we dont live together

in terms of sex, he talks the talk, always saying we must try x/y/z, go to fetish clubs, go to amsterdam etc

now, i'm relatively inexperienced but am adventurous and willing to try (most) things

but it seems to be all talk with him

when we do have sex, its missionary all the way, with lights off

often, mostly, its me that initiates it

sometimes, i feel he's only going through the motions (pardon the pun), as if he thinks we *should* be doing it, or he thinks i want it and thats the only reason hes doing it

we talk a lot on msn, and anytime i try steer the conversation towards something sexy, he changes topic very quickly (but he has told me this cyber chat is something he used to do )

we're going on a pretty exotic holiday soon, and when we were chatting about it on msn recently, i said something about how great it was going to be, no computer, no mobiles, no hassle, just us, sun, sea, good food, nice wine and sex. ...he just replied yep and then totally changed topic.

when we do have sex, sometimes he pulls out midway through and says he's too tired continue, or else he pulls out and just finishes himself off. this baffles me, and confuses me and hurts me, tbh. plus it knocks my confidence.

i dont know what to do at this stage. i'm mad about him, and other than the bedroom isssue, we're getting on great. i dont know how to talk to him about it without it sounding like an attack or a criticism.

any advice?

The whole thing is a bit off colour to say the least. This man has definitely been saying all this stuff to appeal to his younger partner, when the reality of it is he has a low sex drive and incredibly selfish in bed.

You said sometimes he pulls out mid way and finishes himself off, thats when I would have had the first chat. There wouldn't be a second. You say your crazy about him, so by all accounts have a talk with him. But I really don't think it would make any difference in the long term.

Abi

unsurewoman wrote: »

we're together 7 months

other than this, the relationship is great

re him pulling out and ****, he doesnt do it immediately, like if he pulls out, he might say something like hes tired, or its too hot in the room or maybe he says nothing.... then it would be 5 mins or so before he would start ****

i dont know if that makes it better or worse, tbh

i never know what to say when he does this, so i say nothing

im left lying there thinking was it something i did or didnt do that meant he couldnt come from sex

the last time he did this, i was quite annoyed, so after he came, he wasnt exactly trying to make sure i was satisfied, so i decided "f*ck it" and i made myself come, he was lying beside me, and he didnt say anything but did hold my free hand

he seems very open about everything but i wonder why he cant/doesnt talk about this with me


i just dont know how to broach it without sounding like im being critical (the fact is that i AM being critical, he doesnt do it for me in bed)

You're here because you are clearly not happy with this, and its likely to become a very big issue for you.

I could be wrong here, but I think that he seems to enjoy the penetrative sex for so long, but shortly before ejaculation he needs the grip and finishing speed he has become 'accustomed' to. Thats not terribly uncommon in itself, but it is selfish to just go satisfy himself, then you are left to your own devices. If he even suggested mutual masterbation to finish I wouldn't have such an issue with this.. but he hasn't.

Ickle Magoo

unsurewoman wrote: »

we're together 7 months

other than this, the relationship is great

re him pulling out and ****, he doesnt do it immediately, like if he pulls out, he might say something like hes tired, or its too hot in the room or maybe he says nothing.... then it would be 5 mins or so before he would start ****

i dont know if that makes it better or worse, tbh

I don't think it really makes a difference, when you agree to share your body with someone and make yourself vulnerable to them, especially within a relationship, then they have no right to suddenly end the encounter without explanation and go DIY, none, no excuse for it. It's just rude, selfish and incredibly damaging to your self-esteem.

unsurewoman wrote: »

i never know what to say when he does this, so i say nothing

he seems very open about everything but i wonder why he cant/doesnt talk about this with me

Sorry for cherry-picking but these two sentences jumped out at me. You can't blame the guy for not talking to you if you just let him pull out and have a **** without batting an eye-lid, as far as he's concerned, you've just given him the thumbs up to do it.

unsurewoman wrote: »

i just dont know how to broach it without sounding like im being critical (the fact is that i AM being critical, he doesnt do it for me in bed)

So tell him that! The truth hurts but if he values the relationship then he has to know what does it for you and what doesn't. If you want to try and reduce any defensive backlash then keep all your comments about you, make sure your observations start with "I...." rather than accusations about him but for goodness sake don't facilitate such odd behaviour.

Life's too short, if he wants a gf 20 yrs his jr then he needs to stop being such a geriatric in the bedroom - and he seriously needs to brush up on his bediquette. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Abitar wrote: »

You said sometimes he pulls out mid way and finishes himself off, thats when I would have had the first chat. There wouldn't be a second. You say your crazy about him, so by all accounts have a talk with him. But I really don't think it would make any difference in the long term.

Hold on a second. The guy is 50 years old he probably has nowhere near the fitness that a teenager or even a man in his 30s would have. I'm not 50 but I'd hazard a quess at that age unless hes very active his fitness levels would be very low. Instead of having a go at a 50 year old man who doesn't have the fitness of a young man why not have sex with the OP on top? If he says hes tired why don't you take that initiative and say "thats O.k I'll do the work" ??
I am 20 and anywhere longer than 30mins (when were having sex multiple times) and I really start to sweat and sometimes its hard to keep going. I can only imagine what its like to be 50.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the replies

yes, i suppose he is selfish in bed

he definitely is

when its over for him, its over.

in fact, i've never come with him (except the time i did it myself)

before everyone gets aghast at that, although we are together 7 months, we only see each other every 3 or 4 weeks. i actually havent seen him since the first weekend in march. we live at opposite ends of the country and both have heavy work schedules. so its not like we're in bed together every night.

but then, i've only slept with 7 guys in my life, and have only come with two of them
i went out with a guy for more than 4 years and never did with him (but lots on my own lol)
i know part/a lot of that is my issue, but some of it is related to the effort/interest of the guy in me coming

it is hurtful when he just pulls out

it feels like a rejection

i feel like a failure

i hate it

and yes, i know i should say something, but each time it happens i am paralysed by that sense of failure and rejection

i just feel woefully inadequate

to the poster who suggested me doing the work - i suggested going on top, just to vary things, and he said he didnt like that ( i dont really like it either, but would do it just for the variety)

i know i have to talk to him, but i dont want an argument, or a "you're crap in bed" slanging match

Ickle Magoo

You are seriously unsatisfied with a hugely important part of your relationship - if you can't broach that for fear of the consequences after 7 months together and numerous alternatives and suggestions being offered to try to remedy the situation then I think you may be with the wrong guy.

Why would you be paralysed with failure or rejection? Get angry! :mad: Wtf have you done to get rejected over by this guy? You only see each other once in a blue moon, he could make a bit of an effort ffs! If he said he was wreaked could you do something else or could you masturbate each other or whatever then fair enough, but to just draw a line under it regardless of how your partner is doing, wait five mins and have a **** is just outrageously selfish and greedy.

Stop internalising everything and blaming yourself & make sure he isn't relying on your insecurities to facilitate his selfishness.

Abi

giveguybreak wrote: »

Hold on a second. The guy is 50 years old he probably has nowhere near the fitness that a teenager or even a man in his 30s would have. I'm not 50 but I'd hazard a quess at that age unless hes very active his fitness levels would be very low. Instead of having a go at a 50 year old man who doesn't have the fitness of a young man why not have sex with the OP on top? If he says hes tired why don't you take that initiative and say "thats O.k I'll do the work" ??
I am 20 and anywhere longer than 30mins (when were having sex multiple times) and I really start to sweat and sometimes its hard to keep going. I can only imagine what its like to be 50.

What made you think I'd an issue with his stamina? My issue with him is having sex with his partner without satisfying her, whipping it out when it suits him and finishing himself off.

What the hell is that??

Taltos

OP - have you spoken to him about all this?
I mean seriously sat him down and explained that his selfish behaviour is having a negative impact on how you feel about him - not alone about how you feel about yourself.

I can only hazard that each time he rolls off, waits a few min and then spanks the proverbial you must go through a range of emotions from - "what have I done" - "Am I fat" - "Am I not enough for him" - to just "get it over with already..."
This is NOT how it should be - gawd, sex should be making you feel closer to him, it should be about you both getting pleasure - not just him scratching his itch like a randy dog.

So - if you have not talked to him already - and I mean really talked and both exchanged your views - then do it soon - or failing that go to a 3rd party who can mediate between you. Cause either you sort this out or eventually you could grow to hate his selfish behaviour - and hence him....

As to the holiday - I wouldn't even consider going to a B&B in Ireland with someone this selfish let alone to somewhere exotic...

LegacyUser

Abitar wrote: »

What made you think I'd an issue with his stamina? My issue with him is having sex with his partner without satisfying her, whipping it out when it suits him and finishing himself off.

What the hell is that??

OP clearly states that when he takes it out he says hes too tired or its too hot in the room. Its clearly an issue with stamina as expected of a 50 year old man.

mood

OP I think the fact that you only see him every 3 or 4 weeks make it worse. It is very unusual that he can go 3 or 4 weeks without seeing you and having sex in a new relationship and not be dying to jump on you. Maybe it is due to his age in which case it will most likely get worse if you end up together long term or maybe there are deeper issues like an irrational fear of you getting pregnant. But most worrying is the fact that he doesn't even try to satisfy you. It's unbelievably selfish not just from a physical point of view but an emotional one.

LegacyUser

op again. thanks everyone for replies.


@taltos: no, i havent spoken to him about it at all.

i dont know how to broach it without it descending into a big row or a huge criticism

i'd essentially be challneging his manhood/masculinity

plus, afterwards, if he upped his game, i'd be wondering if he was doing it casuse he wanted to or cause i told him i wanted him to, if you know what i mean

i want him to look at me and think he cant wait to f*ck me, not look at me and think "i better do it tomight or she'll go mad"

you're spot on with the range of emotions i go through when he pulls out

i know i have to t alk to him about this, i know i do. i just dont know how to do it, and i dont know how much to expect from it

LegacyUser

mood wrote: »

OP I think the fact that you only see him every 3 or 4 weeks make it worse. It is very unusual that he can go 3 or 4 weeks without seeing you and having sex in a new relationship and not be dying to jump on you..

Once again hes 50. A lot of men don't even have a sexual drive at that age and those that do have a very low one.

entropi

giveguybreak wrote: »

Once again hes 50. A lot of men don't even have a sexual drive at that age and those that do have a very low one.

Alot dont, but not all...

Male sexual capacity continues right through life from puberty well into old age, if you were gonna ask for proof, here's a sample: Independent Article March 10 and the usual factors for men not having a sex drive at that age are lack of stamina, stress, and illness.


OP sadly from what I can see, you two are just not sexually compatible as everything else seems to go well...but you really need to get onto him about how he'll pull out and finish himself off, or talk the talk and not walk the walk about sexual appetite.

Ickle Magoo

giveguybreak wrote: »

Once again hes 50. A lot of men don't even have a sexual drive at that age and those that do have a very low one.

Well then, perhaps he shouldn't be chasing women 20 yrs his jr and talking the talk if he's incapable of walking the walk?

Besides, if the issue was he had a low sex drive or was exhausted that's still no reason nor excuse for pulling out mid-thrust and having a ****! There are plenty of non-energetic ways of pleasing your partner that doesn't consist of ignoring them while you get yourself off - regardless of age! :eek:

mood

giveguybreak wrote: »

Once again hes 50. A lot of men don't even have a sexual drive at that age and those that do have a very low one.

The OP needs to decide if she can continue this relationship as the age gap will have an effect on their sex life.

mood

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Well then, perhaps he shouldn't be chasing women 20 yrs his jr and talking the talk if he's incapable of walking the walk?

Besides, if the issue was he had a low sex drive or was exhausted that's still no reason nor excuse for pulling out mid-thrust and having a ****! There are plenty of non-energetic ways of pleasing your partner that doesn't consist of ignoring them while you get yourself off - regardless of age! :eek:

I also agree that his age is not the only factor here. He sounds like a very selfish, bad mannered man.

LegacyUser

To unsurewoman: I am in my mid forties and my BF is near 50...the bit about sexual energy is crap! We have a great physical relationship, better than ever in fact.
The only adjustment we have had to make is my OH cannot perform as often in one session as he did in his 30s. We don't have the stamina we used to have but we would both make allowances for this. Also he likes me to go on top more than missionary as this way it is slower and we can both please each other.
Also it takes longer for him to come than when he was younger but that is no biggie really.
His fitness levels are lower as are mine so we go slower but we are very loving.
Also we live at opposite ends of the country too....we had to talk about this as my BF felt
a bit under pressure at first,I had to tell him there was no pressure to come just because it was weeks since we had seen each other..sometimes we just cuddle.
And his drive is as high as a man in his 20s

miec

Stop internalising everything and blaming yourself & make sure he isn't relying on your insecurities to facilitate his selfishness.

Hi Op

Please read the above and memorise these words, it is the best advice you are ever going to get, this is not about you, it is about him. Look back over your posts and see how concerned you are for his emotional welfare when you say you don;t want to hurt his feelings, but he has no consideration for yours.

jimmypitt

He probably does want to blow his load in you but he might be damn lazy! I do it meself the odd time. Sex can be tiring and sometime (out of laziness and tiredness) he might just sort himself out. I hate to say it but i can really see where this guy is coming from - if someone expects to be to the task in my mid fifties they can forget it!

mood

jimmypitt wrote: »

He probably does want to blow his load in you but he might be damn lazy! I do it meself the odd time. Sex can be tiring and sometime (out of laziness and tiredness) he might just sort himself out. I hate to say it but i can really see where this guy is coming from - if someone expects to be to the task in my mid fifties they can forget it!

Do you also not give a sh*t if you partner enjoys the experience as well!

This is more than the OP boyfriend being lazy. She has said she has suggested she do the work and he declines!

OP you really need to talk to him. How can the relationship continue like this!

jimmypitt

mood wrote: »

Do you also not give a sh*t if you partner enjoys the experience as well!

This is more than the OP boyfriend being lazy. She has said she has suggested she do the work and he declines!

OP you really need to talk to him. How can the relationship continue like this!

I am just throwing it out there! I honestly could not be arsed sometimes - i can only imagine what i will be like in my 50's.

sam34

differences in sex drives could possibly be worked around

however his dismissive selfish attitude towards her is quite disturbing, frankly

Abi

giveguybreak wrote: »

OP clearly states that when he takes it out he says hes too tired or its too hot in the room. Its clearly an issue with stamina as expected of a 50 year old man.

I'm not sure why, but you seem to be contineously missing the issue here. If hes tired hes tired. You don't have to be fifty to understand how tiredness or heat in a room can wear you down. Being tired is not exclusive to any age group. In the past I'd open a window to let the room cool, and / or try something else with him if / until ready to try again. If too tired to try again, then mutual masterbation or oral can be useful here.

What he is doing is selfish, no matter what way you dress it up.

unsurewoman wrote: »

op again. thanks everyone for replies.
@taltos: no, i havent spoken to him about it at all.

i dont know how to broach it without it descending into a big row or a huge criticism

i'd essentially be challneging his manhood/masculinity

plus, afterwards, if he upped his game, i'd be wondering if he was doing it casuse he wanted to or cause i told him i wanted him to, if you know what i mean

i want him to look at me and think he cant wait to f*ck me, not look at me and think "i better do it tomight or she'll go mad"

you're spot on with the range of emotions i go through when he pulls out

i know i have to t alk to him about this, i know i do. i just dont know how to do it, and i dont know how much to expect from it

When you see him face to face again, just ask if he could spare you a few moments to talk about something thats bothering you. Tell him that when he pulls out and sees to himself, you feel a little bit rejected. I'd stop there and let him talk, because yes, it is a delicate issue.. but the fact remains hes being selfish. You have to do something about it, one way or the other. By allowing this to happen, you are setting this as a standard that is accepted as a sexual relationship, when its really not.

Master of Nothing wrote: »

Alot dont, but not all...

Male sexual capacity continues right through life from puberty well into old age, if you were gonna ask for proof, here's a sample: Independent Article March 10 and the usual factors for men not having a sex drive at that age are lack of stamina, stress, and illness.


OP sadly from what I can see, you two are just not sexually compatible as everything else seems to go well...but you really need to get onto him about how he'll pull out and finish himself off, or talk the talk and not walk the walk about sexual appetite.

+1

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Well then, perhaps he shouldn't be chasing women 20 yrs his jr and talking the talk if he's incapable of walking the walk?

Besides, if the issue was he had a low sex drive or was exhausted that's still no reason nor excuse for pulling out mid-thrust and having a ****! There are plenty of non-energetic ways of pleasing your partner that doesn't consist of ignoring them while you get yourself off - regardless of age! :eek:

+1

ilovetosing

OP I agree with most people here because sex should be something that both people love to do together for the closeness and the obvious benifits! he doesn't give a boll!x about your needs and wants in bed by the sounds of things and tbh using his age as an excuse is just not acceptable. He is selfish and thinks that all the sh!te talk he gives you will keep you happy when really you actually need the act itself.

For me personally (I cant speak for every bloke) but I am not happy until my GF is happy and sometimes I dont even come but I am mostly happy just to see her satisfied. When I read your post I felt really sorry for you because no woman deserves to be left lying beside their partner while they finish themselves off feeling inadequate. Do you really need this in your life? Is this old selfish fart really worth your time? There are plenty of other men and I can guarantee they would not be as selfish or as demeaning as this lad. What he is doing is bang out of order. He is just disrespectful. No one deserves that.

ilovetosing

unsurewoman wrote: »

op again. thanks everyone for replies.

i want him to look at me and think he cant wait to f*ck me, not look at me and think "i better do it tomight or she'll go mad"

you're spot on with the range of emotions i go through when he pulls out

i know i have to t alk to him about this, i know i do. i just dont know how to do it, and i dont know how much to expect from it

You have just answered your own question here saying you want him to want to fcuk you but you are afraid that if you say it then he may only do it because you said it and you are dead right. Am I Alone in thinking that if your partner is not like that at all even from the start then there is clearly something fundamentally wrong. Although I am not saying taltos is wrong and talking about it with him would be the way forward in most situations but I just don't see it with this OP. You don't have him wanting to fcuk you when he looks at you! Surely you would much rather be with a man who looks at you after his day and says to himself She is so hot I cannot wait to....

Sorry if I am sounding harsh here.

Emme

He sounds really horrible and selfish - why are you with him? I'm in my 30s as well but wouldn't settle for that, surely a battery operated rabbit and a box set of Sex and the City would be better company !!!

It seems to me that he isn't used to having "real" sex very often and that over the years he has mostly satisfied himself through porn, masturbation and cybersex. I'd say the internet revolutionised his sex life :rolleyes:!!! He has probably bought into the notion peddled on the internet that he has droit de seigneur to pretty women 20 years his junior even though he hasn't got the stamina in real life for a woman like you.

Is this man quiet, introverted? Does he go out much or does he spend an inordinate amount of time on the internet?

You need to seriously think about your compatibility with this man and how the time you're spending with him is affecting how you feel about yourself.

Germaine Greer said that no sex is better than bad sex and I agree with her on that if nothing else.