family intent on ruining my wedding

LegacyUser

i have never been particularly close to my family but lately when i announced my wedding plans i thought they would at least be happy for me but they are putting every spanner in the works that they can,
firstly they refused to go to the wedding and i was a bit happy as i wouldnt have to worry what the evil plan may be, but when they seen i wasnt fased they said oh yes we will go and now THEY have planned a huge 30th birthday party the day before my wedding for my brother with free drink for everyone just so everyone will have a hangover and may not turn up! this includes alot of my wedding helpers, they arnt inviting me either. they have a real hate for me i think, and have said all sorts of nasty comments, only for i have the entire wedding booked and its not far away i would cancel it, im crying every day about this,
even my sister is trying to find a dress that will show me up and she has said this to me. i dread to think what they will do if they turn up and my fiancees family are so posh not like these people at all,
i just thought theyd make an effort for me but they only want to make an effort to ruin it.
needed to vent sorry as i wouldnt shame myself to admit to any of my friends that my family were such bad people.

reprazant

Why do they hate you so much?

If they are that intent on ruining your day, just don't invite them.

slowmoe

op would you consider suggesting family counselling before the wedding??

to be honest i think you don't need the stress in your life, your wedding should be ablout you and your fiancee and a happy joyful day, you shouldn't be in fear of what people are going to do to hurt you.

if they're not inviting you to your brothers 30th then it doesn't seem that you're a very close family so perhaps the invitation to your wedding is unnecessary?? i would re think having them there at all if you're at the stage of crying every day

reprazant

reprazant wrote: »

Why do they hate you so much?

If they are that intent on ruining your day, just don't invite them.

People don't need a reason to be arseholes.

Op I wouldn't have them there at all if I were you.

How Strange

OP that sounds terrible.

If I were you I'd officially call the wedding off and either elope or have a quiet ceremony somewhere in Ireland with just some close friends and your OH's immediate family.

Honestly that whole scenario would be a nightmare.

MagicSean

If you think they will ruin your wedding then tell them they are not welcome. It's your day. Supposed to be the happiest one in your life. Don't feel obliged to invite them just because they are family, especially if they won't invite you to your brothers party.

ncmc

What a terrible sitiuation OP, I feel really bad for you. As the wedding is close and obviously can't be cancelled at this stage, I think you need to retract your invitation. Try and stay calm, but say very definitely to them that since they are intent on ruining your day, they are not welcome. At the end of the day, it is your day and you should not have people there who seem intent on ruining everything and who you are going to spend the day worrying about.

You need to make this day about you and your fiance again, so un-invite your family and concentrate on you and your hubby to be. Try not to worry about the 30th bday party and the possible heangovers, you can't have control over everything and your guests are adults. If they want to turn up with a stinking hangover then that's their business.

As sad as it is to say, if your family make you this unhappy, then I think you need to cut your losses and cut all contact. I hope everything goes ok and that you enjoy your big day despite all this grief.

steps_3314

sadbride wrote: »

i have never been particularly close to my family but lately when i announced my wedding plans i thought they would at least be happy for me but they are putting every spanner in the works that they can,
firstly they refused to go to the wedding and i was a bit happy as i wouldnt have to worry what the evil plan may be, but when they seen i wasnt fased they said oh yes we will go and now THEY have planned a huge 30th birthday party the day before my wedding for my brother with free drink for everyone just so everyone will have a hangover and may not turn up! this includes alot of my wedding helpers, they arnt inviting me either. they have a real hate for me i think, and have said all sorts of nasty comments, only for i have the entire wedding booked and its not far away i would cancel it, im crying every day about this,
even my sister is trying to find a dress that will show me up and she has said this to me. i dread to think what they will do if they turn up and my fiancees family are so posh not like these people at all,
i just thought theyd make an effort for me but they only want to make an effort to ruin it.
needed to vent sorry as i wouldnt shame myself to admit to any of my friends that my family were such bad people.

WTF... dirty ignorant people

To hell with them. Enjoy your day and forget about them

That is just sick.

gandalf

Have you actually asked them about this?

Personally if I felt someone was working against me in that way I would cancel their invites and ask people who want to be there to come instead.

I got married last year and everyone I wanted at it couldn't make. Bar my immediate family no one else came in the form of Aunts, Uncles and Cousins as there was a bit of arguement between my mum and them. I didn't let it phase me and enjoyed our special day. As long as the two of you enjoy the day then its a success. If some people are so petty minded to throw spanners in the works like you describe then you will have a better and more relaxed time without them there.

When are you getting married?

Good Luck and remember to relax and enjoy the day

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies,
yes of course i would cancel if it were not just 2 months away and everything booked and paid for, i really wish i had of copped on and eloped at the start but a part of me hoped the would just turn up and be nice.
alarm bells shud have rang at the start because whenever i mentioned the wedding they either changed the subject or insulted me or laughed at me, and they never once helped with the preperation.
I was worried about not inviting them as i only have a small immediate family and no aunts or uncles or grandparents
my fiancee has a family of 80 people, i only have this lot about 8 of them and each is as bad as the other and even now i myself cant believe how cruel they are.
they hate me because im not like them in any way living with them was like a cult and now ive left im an outsider. because of them and there ways i have very few friends too.
my future fiancee cannot believe the level they are stooping too.
if i dont invite them i will have no family on my side of the chapel at all and how will that look?

Miaireland

Sadbride,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. A friend of mine was in a situation a bit like yours with her wedding last year. She invited the members in her family that were causing for her problems (like you she was worried how it would look on her side of the church) and to be honest she regretted it. She spent a lot of the day in tears over them.

I would suggest that you don't invite them. The build up to your wedding should not be a time when you are crying everyday. I see that you have the wedding all paid for so could you invite other friends that you may not have invited?

Have free seating in the church so there is no his or her side.

ncmc

sadbride wrote: »

thanks for the replies,
yes of course i would cancel if it were not just 2 months away and everything booked and paid for, i really wish i had of copped on and eloped at the start but a part of me hoped the would just turn up and be nice.
alarm bells shud have rang at the start because whenever i mentioned the wedding they either changed the subject or insulted me or laughed at me, and they never once helped with the preperation.
I was worried about not inviting them as i only have a small immediate family and no aunts or uncles or grandparents
my fiancee has a family of 80 people, i only have this lot about 8 of them and each is as bad as the other and even now i myself cant believe how cruel they are.
they hate me because im not like them in any way living with them was like a cult and now ive left im an outsider. because of them and there ways i have very few friends too.
my future fiancee cannot believe the level they are stooping too.
if i dont invite them i will have no family on my side of the chapel at all and how will that look?

Which will look worse, you not having any family on your side of the church, or your family doing something awful and leaving you a weeping crying mess for the whole day! I don't mean to be flippant, but this sounds like a genuine risk. Surely you have friends and colleagues that will be on your side, and why bother having 'sides' anyway? It's your day, you don't have to follow a certain formula, you can have people sitting wherever you like, let everyone mix in.

LegacyUser

i will have free seating in the church but alot of people instinctively sit on there relatives side i think, and i dont have many friends about 5 and no colleuges. the list on my side was 20 and 8 of that was my family.

Taltos

OP this is just horrible.

Whatever you are going to do you must just try to put this out of your mind. Clearly this is their last gasp of control - and they are intent on ruining your day.

I don't think it is too late to cancel the event - you will lose a deposit - but so what? Maybe move it to another day.
Key thing though is that all of them are un-invited - so if you can move to another day - don't tell them when or where and ensure that the staff there know it is by invite only.

Something we did is - we went abroad to be married. It was just me and my OH - abroad for 3 wks. But you know - the group that organized the vacation organized everything. There was NO stress, no worry. Nothing. Even on the morning of the wedding when we were asked who was going to be our witnesses - not a big deal - I strolled down to the pool - spotted a lovely British couple we had shared drinks with and we had an absolute blast of a day. Even now years after - having gone to other "traditional" weddings - I much prefer our choice. No stress, no favoritism, no family bust-ups....

Write them off - and do what makes you happy. Clearly this bunch exist only to make you miserable and you will be much better off with them out of your life - at least until they can grow up and act civilised.

gandalf

sadbride wrote: »

if i dont invite them i will have no family on my side of the chapel at all and how will that look?

Based on that last post of yours I would withdraw the invites and have free seating at the service as suggested.

The most important people on the day are you and your partner. If there are only 8 it won't make a difference with the numbers anyway.

davmol

Sorry I havent read all the logs in this thread but every day we see threads opened up with the OP stating that their family hates them for one reason or another and everyone assumes the OP is angel and the rest of the family are the ones at fault.But WHY do all your family resent you,you must have done something to p1ss them all off and for them to want to sabotage your wedding or are they just a born evil family?

Contessa Raven

sadbride wrote: »

if i dont invite them i will have no family on my side of the chapel at all and how will that look?

It shouldn't matter what other people think about who you have at your wedding. It's your choice. If anyone asks you why your family aren't here you can explain why they weren't invited or you can politely tell the prying person that it isn't their business and that you do not wish to talk about it on your wedding day. That should shut them up!

Tbh, if my family were like this I would uninvite them and have nothing more to do with them. They sound like they'll just cause you to be on edge and to stress on your big day. Do you want to spend your wedding day tense and on edge? It is damaging to your health and your happiness.

Please rethink this OP. You don't need the hassle and stress of these people in your life.

LegacyUser

davmol
in my case it was my refusal to put up with their phsical and mental abuse and i got away from them im lucky for that,
often people like me wouldnt dare admit to these things to anyone face to face and we come here for advise from others. whats there to gain from pretending to be hated? i wish i was pretending as my life would be a whole lot easier.

ncmc

davmol wrote: »

Sorry I havent read all the logs in this thread but every day we see threads opened up with the OP stating that their family hates them for one reason or another and everyone assumes the OP is angel and the rest of the family are the ones at fault.But WHY do all your family resent you,you must have done something to p1ss them all off and for them to want to sabotage your wedding or are they just a born evil family?

That isn't really relevent to the OP's problem though. She came on here worried about the possibility of her family causing a scene and ruining her wedding. The fact that they have organised a massive party with free booze on the day before and not invited her and then her sister saying she was going to wear a dress that would show the OP up, I would say her worries are well founded. The issue of whether or not she did something to deserve this treatment is irrelevent. When you are reading a post on Boards,all you can do is go by what information you are given. The OP has said they resent her because she isn't like them and left as soon as she could, we just have to believe that what she says is true and advise her on her problem. Not second guess her and assume she's a liar and this is all her fault.

P.s. You say you haven't read all the replies in the thread, then why are you commenting something so inflammatory? If you had read the OP's posts, you would see why her family resent her and you would see she hasn't done anything to deserve this kind of treatment.

the_syco

sadbride wrote: »

i will have free seating in the church but alot of people instinctively sit on there relatives side i think, and i dont have many friends about 5 and no colleuges. the list on my side was 20 and 8 of that was my family.

At one wedding I was at, someone at the back pushed everyone up near the front. Get someone to do so, and it'll look better.

=-=

OP: time to play hardball. Print out new invites, with the wedding a week later. Tell them it was cause of lack of money. From the sound of it, they'll have a laugh at this. Also say that you'll try to make the birthday drinks in the evening, by which time they'll be drunk, and forget about you. All going well, they won't turn up at the "real" wedding.

Barracudaincork

OP there is only one thing and one thing only you HAVE to do on your wedding day and that is marry the person you love. You are already doing that so nothing else matters, trust me on this, dresses, people, food etc will all be forgotten about in time, but the fact you're marrying the man you love stays forever!

Uninvite the family, have an usher making sure the sides are evened up and no one in particular is on any side of the church, let the usher insure its mixed up and evened out etc so you dont have to worry about it.

tinkerbell

OP, disinvite your family right now. I mean your family sounds like a bunch of insanely jealous and horrible people and they should be nowhere near you on your wedding day. They are openly doing horrible things to you, even your sister has stooped as low to say she wants to get a better dress than you. I mean who knows what stunt your family could pull on your wedding day? What if your sister shows up in a white dress or whatever!?

I know you said you've paid for everything but is there any way that you could move the date or something? Even if it was a week or two before the day, your family would never know that the date was changed.

Seriously, none of your friends or your fiance's friends would want people there who are out to ruin your day if it means just having some numbers in the church. In fact they would probably admire you for having the guts to stand up to your horrible family and tell them to go f**k themselves. Explain the situation to your friends, get them to scatter on either side of the church and it'll be ok.

I really do believe that your wedding day is about you and your fiance, nobody else. You should be starting out your marriage a happy woman without family stress so just disinvite your family. Besides, once you are married, you have a brand new family of you and your husband.

Toots

Ok, here's my advice:

Un-invite them to the wedding.
Get a confident and assertive friend to be an usher at the church, they can show people to their seats in the church and ensure there's an even amount on both sides.
Now unfortunately, due to legal requirements for the marriage, the church has to be publicly accessible so you can't refuse to allow them in if they do show up at the ceremony. You can however contact the reception venue and explain the situation and ask that if any of these people do show up that they not be allowed in. If they do show up at the church, ignore them, or have as little contact as possible. Keep photos to a minimum and just head to the venue as quickly as possible.

Seriously, these people are toxic, you don't need them to be around you on what should be the happiest day of your life. If I were you I'd tell them to take a hike and have no further contact with them. Let them have their stupid 30th party, get ossified and spend the next day nursing monster hangovers. While you spend the next day surrounded by people who love you and having a wonderful time.