What to do when he's gone forever?

Strawberry_Kiss

Hi, Not really Sure where to ask this but i'll try here. Im 23 and in january my 33 year old fiance died suddenly getting out of the shower. We were to be married next month and out baby girl was 3 weeks old when he died. Im finding it hard to cope to say the least im not eatinng or sleeping I'm just so lonely and i cant get my head around whats happened. Please Help

jordata

I know no words that can make you feel better or make you miss your fiance any less. I just had to post to let you know that your post has been read and that I am thinking of you. You are not alone. I am glad you have your baby daughter to cuddle through the dark hours. For her you have to, and will, carry on living. One day at a time, or one hour at a time if that is all you can manage.

up for anything

Sweetheart, there's not much I can say to help. You've probably heard it all in real life. It's trite I know but time is the greatest healer. You'll probably find great solace in your baby but babies being what they are, are also frustrating and hard work and add to difficulty in coping.

Have you seen a bereavement counsellor or joined a support group of any kind? Do you have good support from your family and his? I do hope so.

In lieu of any useful advice accept a big hug and the knowledge that you're not the only one up and sitting in front of computer at this unearthly hour.

axel rose

Honey, a friend text me this morning to tell me about this post. I'm so sorry to say that I'm in a very similiar situation to you. Eight months ago my healthy husband collapsed in the shower getting ready for work, his life support was switched off two days later. He was only 34 and our son was 15 months old at the time.

To say that I dont recognise this new role in my life is an understatement. We have both experienced one of the most single devastating events in life. Dont expect to 'snap out of it', your mind needs to process this event through grieving. No doubt at a time when you should be preparing for a wedding you probably feel that you have just lost him again. Do you have a lot of support near you? Do you have a good relationship with your partners family? Please dont be reluctant to ask for help or be afraid to share your feelings for fear that you may upset someone.

Finally please speak to your doctor today and tell them what is happening. You need their help.

Im so sorry that you are going through this, PM me any time.

Whispered

OP & Axel, I have nothing to say except that I'm so sorry you both had to go through such a thing.

I hope that you both, somehow, manage to find some joy in life again. Those babies will be the making of your new life and they will grow up proud of how strong their mother is.

Ickle Magoo

Strawberry_Kiss wrote: »

Hi, Not really Sure where to ask this but i'll try here. Im 23 and in january my 33 year old fiance died suddenly getting out of the shower. We were to be married next month and out baby girl was 3 weeks old when he died. Im finding it hard to cope to say the least im not eatinng or sleeping I'm just so lonely and i cant get my head around whats happened. Please Help

Do you have friends or family you could lean on? Lord knows it's hard enough to function with a newborn without trying to grieve for a partner on top of everything else. Not eating or sleeping, and not getting your head around things is a perfectly normal part of the grieving process to a degree but if you are feeling hopelessly lost, please go and speak to your doctor and tell them how you feel.

I can't imagine the maelstrom you must be living at the moment but I would think a bit of support would make life a little easier or at least give you some time to yourself to grieve properly.

Best of luck.

ocos

I lost my partner over 10 yrs ago and my daughter was just gone 3 at the time. You think you will never survive but you will, believe me. You will be kept busy with a young baby but get some time out for yourself - take a long walk, anything to help clear the head. It does work. I wish you all the best but rest assured time is the healer and it will get easier.

banie01

Strawberry_Kiss wrote: »

Hi, Not really Sure where to ask this but i'll try here. Im 23 and in january my 33 year old fiance died suddenly getting out of the shower. We were to be married next month and out baby girl was 3 weeks old when he died. Im finding it hard to cope to say the least im not eatinng or sleeping I'm just so lonely and i cant get my head around whats happened. Please Help

Op, I'm in a similar situation to you but a bit further down the road.
My Partner died 3yrs ago next friday at 26 y.o after 11 years together leaving me and our 3y.o son shattered....

First off if you have family/friends around you, get every bit of companionship, emotional support, babysitting that you can from them....Because you will need it....
People will tell yoiu that time is a great healer....For some it may be, But I find that the ache of loss never goes away, you just get better at hiding it and learn to live with it. But you will be happy again, your child will spark joy for you

Also as your Daughter gets older.....The only way she will ever really know of her dad is to hear about him, Stories and memories from friends and your own recollections are the person your daughter will know as her dad...And as hard as it will be to talk about him and not break down, too many people deal with the pain that a happy memory sparks by avoiding the discussion or worrying that their own reactions will upset others.
It often will, but too often, esp here in Ireland those conversations are avoided for fear of upsetting ourselves and others. Remember this....Those stories and memories are the person you love, and they will let your Daughter have a kind of vicarious link to her dad...She'll know him through you and your friends and how ye remember and speak of him.

Anytime my son asks about his Mam, we have a chat and I try to remember something new,or if something happens that sparks a memory for me....I tell him about it. It has helped me to pull through some dark times and can put a smile on both our faces. My family and friends help out with this too.
Some of the hardest moments ahead of you are when you look at your child and see your partners features and mannerisms shine through....

The advice I'll give you is embrace it, Your heart will ache for what you've lost, but seeing that glint in your child is an anchor I use on the bad days to remind me that even though she's not here.....She's not far away Just not as close as I'd like...

Also, This may seem harsh considering what you've been through but the darkest loneliest days are yet to come...
I found that the 1st year after Kate died people hovered around and I was lucky to have friends that cared.....However as time went on, esp after the 1st anniverary of her death....Peoples lives move on and other priorities come up in their lives....And you will find yourself alone and remembering little special moments and anniversaries you and your fiancee shared, Like your 1st date,kiss or a movie you watched, a song you heard will spark the sense of loss all over again....Like a fresh wound...
Join a support group and don't be afraid to call a friend on days like that.

Life does go on.....I wanted the world to stop until I felt ready to get back on, but thats not how life works
Keep your friends and family close, Don't be afraid of your emotions and let your love for your daughter help pull you through the darkest days...