Mental Health Issues and Dating

Hullo all,
I'm just writing in relation to something that's a real problem for me when it comes to relationships. And that is trying to be with someone when you're not exactly 'normal'.
I have Asperger's Syndrome. Which is a mild form of Autism that affects my social life all the time. It's difficult enough when it comes to keeping friends - when it comes to partners it's a nightmare.
Generally I don't find the condition itself is the problem; I've had it all my life and although I've only been diagnosed in recent years I've had to deal with it for a long time. My problem is how people react to it. Some people choose to treat me like I've glass skin (I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself, thank you). Others act like I'm to blame for not 'fighting it' (They don't seem to understand that it's not just a little thought that you can brush away, it's an entire mental state. I don't want to act like I don't have it and I don't want to be cured because it's part of who I am).
I'm generally have quite a strong, independant personality. I really don't need others approval and I definately don't need to be surrounded by loads of friends, etc. I've been alone for long periods of time and not even been bothered by it. But I don't exactly want to be alone forever. And it's not like I don't have any feelings - they're just buried really deep. It takes a lot of time for me to trust people at the beginning but so far I've been lucky to find a few close friends that have been patient enough with me.
Unfortunately when it comes to relationships people seem to want all my emotions to surface right from the beginning. Right now I've been talking a lot with one guy, who got very insulted when I said I didn't trust him. I've known him all of 3weeks so he's basically still a stranger as far as I'm concerned. I'm very honest and I won't fake emotions I don't have, but I am interested in him and would like to see if they develop. But if he's expecting me to jump into his arms right now I really can't do anything for him. I've had situations like this before where I've tried really hard to trust someone but my 'lack of effort' (as one person called it) just ended up hurting their feelings even more (which I definately don't want to do).
I suppose my question is after all that: Is it at all possible to find people that can cope with this sort of thing? How can I explain to people just what it takes to be in my life?

Ugh, really long post. Sorry guys.

cafecolour

I'm not sure you need to tell them you've got aspergers straight from the start. You could just say you tend to move slowly and take a while to get comfortable with people.

Telling someone you don't 'trust' them yet isn't the best thing to say - that can come off like you they'll steal your telly. You want to also make clear it's you not them. Saying something like 'i like you, but i like to move slowly, i'm still not ready to open up.' might better.

Nevyn

Some people just dot' do the swept off thier feet thing emotionally or romantically and I honestly don't think that has much to do with being on the austic spectrum.
The right guy will want to take the time to get to know you.

LegacyUser

cafecolour wrote: »

Telling someone you don't 'trust' them yet isn't the best thing to say - that can come off like you they'll steal your telly. You want to also make clear it's you not them. Saying something like 'i like you, but i like to move slowly, i'm still not ready to open up.' might better.

this is a good idea. If you're telling people you don't trust them straight off the bat, why should they carry on getting to know you? You've already made it quite clear they're not worth getting to know by saying 'I don't trust you'

That's not what I'm doing. I'm telling them honestly that I don't trust them yet. Trust takes a long time for me. It's a matter of years before I would really lay my life down for someone. And it wasn't 'right off the bat' neither; he asked me and I was honest and said 'no'.

LegacyUser

Deleted User wrote: »

That's not what I'm doing. I'm telling them honestly that I don't trust them yet. Trust takes a long time for me. It's a matter of years before I would really lay my life down for someone. And it wasn't 'right off the bat' neither; he asked me and I was honest and said 'no'.

It takes a long time to build trust. Asking you if you trusted him after knowing him for just a short while is just plain odd. No loss for you there

Ickle Magoo

Deleted User wrote: »

That's not what I'm doing. I'm telling them honestly that I don't trust them yet. Trust takes a long time for me. It's a matter of years before I would really lay my life down for someone. And it wasn't 'right off the bat' neither; he asked me and I was honest and said 'no'.

I think trusting someone after dating them for three weeks would be completely bonkers so I think he's more peculiar for expecting you to tbh...

Most people are a little odd in their own way, I'm astonished when I hear about how different some relationships are to mine or anything I could or would want to have. Look around a bit more and see if you can find someone a bit better suited to you?

Best of luck.

krudler

Depends on what issue of trust you were talking about, trust him as in if you're together he wont cheat? or trust him as in you dont think you'll stay over one night and wake up in a bath of ice minus your kidneys?

Building up trust in a relationship takes time, but saying straight out to someone "I dont trust you" is hugely insulting, why would they bother to go any further with someone who (and dont take the wrong way) is going to be "effort" to be with? explaining to people what Aspergers is (at least you've been diagnosed, I know someone who claims they have it and have diagnosed themselves from an online quiz:rolleyes:)

I'm sorry I really don't understand what's so insulting about saying to someone I don't trust them (YET)?
I mean if I don't know a person very well surely it goes without saying that I don't trust them? If you trust a person too quickly you could be leaving yourself open to all sorts of dangers.
I wouldn't outright accuse someone of conspiring against me or something (not without a great deal of evidence, at least). But at the same time if I've only known a person a short while I feel like they could be capable of anything.
And it's not like I don't make an effort to trust people; sometimes I can sit with a person and try to process so much information on them by asking random questions; I know it can be really awkward but it's the only way I know to find these things out - when I do it I really feel like a machine. I don't understand how someone can go through this with me and then feel like I'm 'not worth the effort'.

cafecolour

Deleted User wrote: »

I'm sorry I really don't understand what's so insulting about saying to someone I don't trust them (YET)?

You are right, it does take most people a while to trust someone. It's just the word trust is a bit loaded - so that if you tell someone you don't trust them yet, they tend to assume the negative - that you've seen something in their character that is untrustworthy. It doesn't make sense necessarily, it's just how people react to the term.

I'd just avoid the term 'trust' (ie my suggestion of 'open up' etc.) or make sure it's clarified (ie 'trust you with my heart' or such).