How to build up my confidence?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, I'm a 22 year old girl job, own car, renting accomodation with friends and would appear to most people to have a lot going for me.
Trouble is I have issues regarding self-confidence. I think this comes from issues with my mother who, for as long as I can remember has taken pleasure in insulting me for no apparent reason. I have tried to talk to her about this issue but got nowhere. Some of the things she says are that I'm overweight, she will pay me to do something about my weight etc. I am 5'3 and 9 and a half stone, size 8-10 I have begun to go to the gym lately, if anything to stop my Mam from looking at me like I disgust her and part of me thinks if I am skinnier she will. I didn't think I had a problem with weight until this started sticking into my mind and now I am of the belief if I lost some weight I'd be happier. So I am in the process of the above at the moment.
Due to this, it has eaten away at me and I'm lacking confidence in myself. I am chatty, and friendly to everyone I meet but one of my friends told me last week that I am not half as confident as I used to be. I asked her how does she know and she said it's just something she picks up on from my body language and the way I talk about stuff.
I have been hurt by the three guys I have been with and lied to so I suppose this isn't great for confidence either. I'd just like to be more confident in myself and give off an impression, I suppose, that I believe in myself and can do stuff when I put my mind down to it. At the moment I am focusing on the parts of my life I don't like e.g my job or where I am working but due to circumstance I will have to wait until next year to move jobs. Sometimes I feel if I walk into a room and am friendly to everyone, they still won't like me.
Suppose what I'm looking for is if anyone on here has had issues with confidence and overcome them as I don't want this to develop into a bigger issue. Is confidence something you can fake or where does it come from? As I said, this isn't major issue at the moment but if it gets worse it will be. Please don't ask me to sort out my relationship with my Mam as I have tried and she just shouts at me and I walk off.
I know, there are a lot of queries in the one post, its sort of a mess but any help/advice would be great.

LegacyUser

First off, your Mam. Wow! Mothers are supposed to be encouraging you throughout your life, not putting you down. The only thing I can think of is that maybe she was overweight when she was younger and went through a bad time because of it, and she thinks she's helping you? size 8-10 is perfect for your height, so don't mind her. As long as your clothes fit you, and you're happy with yourself, screw what anyone else reckons!

As for the men, unfortunately in this life, you're always going to meet some gobshítes, but consider yourself lucky that you're no longer with them, now that you know what they're really like! Don't belittle what you went through with them, but do remind yourself that you know you deserve better. There are some decent fellas out there, but sometimes you have
to go through the crap to get to the good stuff.

As for your Mam, what I used to do was just let the comments sit there, and then ask "why do you think that?" and listen to what she has to say. Try to get to her reasons for coming out with such statements. Tough and all as this will be, don't lose your temper! If you feel you're gonna lose it, then just say casually "ahh we'll talk about this another time" and just leave the room. It might teach her that being an adult is about biting your tongue occasionally!

Confidence is something (imo) that you teach yourself. Concentrate on the positives in your life-you're in full time work, and you have the option of changing jobs next year.
-You own your own car, which means that you're not worrying about repayments etc, and you can just hit the road anytime you like, and head for the countryside/the beach/friends house etc.
-You're living an independent life, you can do what you want, when you want (obviously within reason, it's not fair on your housemates for you to be dancing around to your fav. song at 2am!)
These are all excellent things, especially considering you're only 22! (I'm 27 and can only claim the latter of those three!)

The good thing is you have friends around you that care for you, and can help you with this blip in your confidence. That's all this is, just a blip.
You're able to act out the confidence in front of people, which is great. That's what most people do. When I'm walking in town, I don't feel at all confident-I'm worried I'll trip and make an ass of myself, or that someone will nick my bag, or that my clothes/my hair is horrible, and everyone that see's me will be laughing at me. But if you saw me walking towards you, you'd probably think, that woman has confidence, because of the way I walk. A lot of confidence is bravado-all you have to do now is believe it yourself!

Do things that make you happy, set yourself little goals-if you're enjoying the gym, keep going with it. If not, do something else, something that you can build on and achieve things with. Confidence will come back to you OP, cliched and all as this sounds, you just have to keep believing in yourself-it's like getting back on the horse after the fall...it's a little scary at first, but you get back into it, and soon you find yourself wondering what you were worrying about.
You have a lot going for you, and you can build your confidence on all these things and much more that you can do! Big hugs honey xx

blond45

for one thing YOU ARE NOT OVER WEIGHT. thats normal for your frame. your 22yr old what you do with your life is no ones buisness. as for mum thing stay away from her for a while, no im not being mean by saying that its just to get your head right . might be an idea to stay away from the problem thats causing it ,thats all. if you want to keep going the gym but only if you want for you. if you want to pm me about anything please do ok . your head is full of why is mum doing this to me .. was tihs the normal way with her or has it just started when you moved out.?

anomalous

when i was about 13 my mother used to tell me i was fat and needed to loose weight - i am 5 foot 6 inches and i was a very healthy size 10 i was never fat when i was a teenager i was grand - my mother was hung up on her own weight she was quite big back then - bad marriage and bad living situation did not help her loose weight

i was resentful that she took her crap out on me as i was smart enough to know that it was her issues not mine etc

anyway now that she has a healthier living situation and life in general she is much happier and has lost weight herself

i never - even when i was a stupid teenager - let her speak to me like that - she was my mother and i loved and respected her but i would not let her make me feel bad even though she might have been doing it for good reasons (scared i would turn out like her)

anyway long story short its her issues not yours so dont let her throw you when you are fine to begin with - and the guys that werent treating you well just think of it as experience - it happens to everyone - they are not all the same - you have to kiss a few frogs etc:)

blond45

anomalous wrote: »

when i was about 13 my mother used to tell me i was fat and needed to loose weight - i am 5 foot 6 inches and i was a very healthy size 10 i was never fat when i was a teenager i was grand - my mother was hung up on her own weight she was quite big back then - bad marriage and bad living situation did not help her loose weight

i was resentful that she took her crap out on me as i was smart enough to know that it was her issues not mine etc

anyway now that she has a healthier living situation and life in general she is much happier and has lost weight herself

i never - even when i was a stupid teenager - let her speak to me like that - she was my mother and i loved and respected her but i would not let her make me feel bad even though she might have been doing it for good reasons (scared i would turn out like her)

anyway long story short its her issues not yours so dont let her throw you when you are fine to begin with - and the guys that werent treating you well just think of it as experience - it happens to everyone - they are not all the same - you have to kiss a few frogs etc:)

for a mother to tell her 13 yr old daughter that shes fat is very cruel. not on at all. you were luckey to be a strong will,d person, well done . she saw herself in you for some reason and let her problems out on you. we would need to be so strong will,d in life cos if things go very bad we start to think its our fault but its not its the people around us who have the problem and they let it out on the ones who are close to us . i was like that when i lived at home , used to soak up all the crap that was happening at home and i ate food to make me happy i ate and ate , im now paying the price of that cos im very over weight, still trying to lose the fat. im in a happy place now, still things go wrong but i can handle it now.

anomalous

good for you blond45 as long as you can keep your head on straight that is the main battle -dont let other people get to you - i was the 2nd daughter and i know it affected my older sister a lot more than me because she is a lot more emotional/sensitive than me

OP as long as you are healthy then dont worry about it

try to understand your mothers motivations (i have no idea what they might be) but understanding might help you in the long run

dont let anybody try to make you feel bad about yourself (if it is a stranger/somebody you work with/a guy that treated you badly just think about it - does their oppinion of you really matter - your oppinion of yourself is the most important thing).

big hug

blond45

anomalous wrote: »

good for you blond45 as long as you can keep your head on straight that is the main battle -dont let other people get to you - i was the 2nd daughter and i know it affected my older sister a lot more than me because she is a lot more emotional/sensitive than me

OP as long as you are healthy then dont worry about it

try to understand your mothers motivations (i have no idea what they might be) but understanding might help you in the long run

dont let anybody try to make you feel bad about yourself (if it is a stranger/somebody you work with/a guy that treated you badly just think about it - does their oppinion of you really matter - your oppinion of yourself is the most important thing).

big hug

im like your older sister, since i have had my boys i cant watch anything sad on tv bout kids, my 6yr old is the same . i always praise them cos i wasnt told good girl if i done good. my older brother was favourite. we are both adopted ,that didnt bother me cos the day we started school she told us that we were wanted kids and she couldnt have kids of her own (to that effect) we were only 5 and 7. reason she said anything is cos all the kids at school knew about us being adopted so she didnt want us to be told in the yard at play time. it wasnt all bad ive no bad feelings towards any thing. ive only one brother who lives 50 miles west of galway. both my dad and mum are dead. dad went first that was very bad , never knew such pain ,sadness,lonelyness, in all my life. mum went down hill after that, she died 3 yrs later from overian cancer. i watched them both die. my marriage was finished then but i never told her didnt want her go to her grave worry,n bout me. i had 3month baby at the time, some how i coped, i just got stuck in to what i wanted to do, wanted a house for me and son so i got that sorted out, got stuck into raising my little man , he is now 12yr , great lad , he sees his dad every weekend, i dont mind that he can make up his mind bout him , i wont stop him from see,n him.. so OP make up your mind to what you want in life you go for it ok never mind anyone else. its YOU that matters.. if i could get out of the badness you can to . give mum a back seat for a bit but dont cut her out of your life . she has problems of her own so get yourself sorted out first.:):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the words of encouragement and advice from everyone. I think ye are right about focusing on myself. Just seems little things bother me more than they should.
Like one of my ex's who treated me like crap is coming home from Australia next week and when I saw it on facebook ( I have deleted him as friend, just had a look at his page out of boredom really) my heart just went kaput. I feel I have to stop letting stuff like this get to me so much but how? It's like if there is one setback in my life I really dwell on it and relate it back to being my own fault in the end. I loved that guy and he had zero respect for me in the end so I know its not my fault but how does one stop having these negative thoughts? These people who tell you they mean so much to them but yet dont show one bit of respect for ya at the end of it all. Its all a joke to be honest.
I am told by most people I am friendly, fun to be around etc but sometimes I have trouble believing this. The gym makes me feel good about myself, for some strange reason. I like setting myself challenges to do so much in an hour.
I would just love for to just overcome these setbacks a lot easier. There are days where I actually feel that people in my life don't think a lot of me as have been let down so much. In saying that, I do have three or four girls I am very close to and would tell them anything.
I don't know, I suppose there are no quick fixes to becoming an emotionally strong person if there is such a thing. Id love to be more confident, not let things get me down as much and not care so much what people think of me. Wow a lot of issues there.
Nice to know others are feeling somewhat the same. My friends tell me don't let stuff get to me but nobody really knows how.
Anyway enough of the waffle.

LegacyUser

Just an update- things came to a head with my Mam over the weekend. She spent most of yesterday shouting at me because I was going back to where I live and I left two pieces of clothes in my suitcase over the weekend. I was shouted at, verbally abused, and being called stupid, people are laughing at me and the overall comments would have looked well on Eastenders. Then she said I was not packing my suitcase until she saw what went into it. I said calmly I am 22 and perfectly capable of doing that myself and she went ballistic. Wouldn't let me leave the room for ages, stood in my way. Also called me a rip all over one little thing that seemed to just set her off. I was cursed at, even thinking about it makes me cry.
This has happened before but something about yesterday hurt even more, it's so constant. I drove back to where I lived last night, did not stop crying for about two hours.
I'm tired of being afraid to say the wrong thing incase I get verbally abused, afraid to tell her if I have a problem incase its my own fault, afraid to tell her I'm seeing a guy, afraid to tell her we break up because it will be my own fault. This is getting me down and last night I wouldn't go to the cinema with the girls I live with because I started believing everything she said, I'm fat etc etc.
My confidence is in shreds because of this and I don't know what to do. Part of me says maybe counselling will help but I know they will tell me to sort out things with my mother and I have tried so hard and nothing changes. I want to just learn how to deal with this before it takes me over because I feel paranoid lately, that everything she says is the truth, sure maybe it is I don't know anymore.
Sorry for having such a long post. I'm just tired of it.

JimmyCrackCorn

Counselling is not a bad idea.

You also need to have positive influences in your life. Hobbies, social activities, things that give you a sense of achievement and that you can be proud of, or simply enjoy yourself. Also positive hobbies/achievements usually mean you are a round positive people.

People may disagree with me on this but i would stay away from your mother as much as possible of she has that strong an effect on you.

Im still working on my own self confidence but ill swear by getting active trying new things and just enjoying life. It just stops you over-thinking and dwelling on things.

blond45

for god sake what is that womans problem abusing her daughter like that. i had tears reading your post..im so sorry you had to go through that . im a mother but no way would i do that. keep away from her please, she is doing you no good. keep up with the gym cos it making you happy. it will take some time to get over that abuse . please dont go near her, i will not tell you to amend things with the person who is called mother. tell the councillor what happend if you do go to see one bet she wouldnt tell you to amend things then..no wonder your confidence is shot to hell. you come across to me as a well liked girl and your friendship to your palls is 100%. i would love to have you as a daughter. you have your own car , your own place to live . yuor own place for time out when you want, flat mates there to help?? do post long posts get stuff of your chest.

LegacyUser

I live with two other girls. I get on well with them but they both have brady-bunch type families so dont think they would understand. It's hard really but I have one friend who I feel I can tell this in detail to but hate burdening her. I think I will look into seeing a counsellor.
It might help a little.
I just don't know whre to turn, the thoughts of this for the rest of my life are gut-wrenching but at the same time if I was to cut her out of my life it would be equally as bad.
I think I'm not going to go home this weekend, need a break from it. It's making me second guess myself over everything and be so paranoid over things. And I can think of occasions back very far when it was like this too.
Really appreciate the advice I have been given. What is the best way about getting a counsellor? Its not something I want to ask people as then they will know.