How Long Should I Give Her?

LegacyUser

Last week after 7 years my girlfriend left. We had been living together almost all the way and both moved straight from our family homes in together. She had been unemployed for a while and her previous job was very unpleasant and we had been struggling financially since Christmas. On top of this things got quite stale, partially due to me falling into the habit of never going out and doing fun stuff with her. She brought it up a few months ago but with out lack of money and general low spirits things slipped back.

I talked to her since then and she revealed that she is having a lot of difficulty coping with her troubled past (which she has been reminded of recently and probably needs some professional help with) and things with me and the feeling of never having lived for herself.
I tried to tell her that lots of couples have these problems and they can be worked out with a bit of communication and asked her does she really want to just walk away from everything we've got and all we've been through. She did pause but all she could do was refrain that she wants to be on her own at the moment. It really feels like she's just pulling down the shutters one everything. She is the type to internalise everything and I think in the last few weeks things have just boiled over in her head.

She never at any point said we were totally finished and when she was leaving she said maybe in the future we could give things another try and that it wasn't that she didn't want to be with me.

Its clear to me that she needs time (possibly a lot) to get her life on track, but I'm a bit confused about what I should do while this is happening. Is it better to be there for her as a friend and remind her I am still the man she loved all these years or should I be staying completely out of her life and let her work things out for herself? Obviously I want to be with her and rebuild what we had, but I'm just not sure how to approach it or how long to give her before trying to move on with my life.

LegacyUser

You need to give her space and plenty of time, the odd text to her and over a few weeks/months see what happens.

This happened to my friend and 6 mths later they got back together and are stronger than ever. Some people just need that time out to relize what they want in life.

Best of luck with whatever happens.

LegacyUser

So you would recommend not physically meeting up in that time? I'm stuck between the 'out of site, out of mind' and 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' approaches.

LegacyUser

I would give her a week or so and a few texts to see how she is and then she what she is doing - does she text you or not. sometimes people just need head space, it will be hard for you but in the long run you want her making the right choice for herself weather it is with or without you. best of luck

LegacyUser

She left last Monday week and we have met up twice since then, most recently on Wednesday where I poured my heart out. She initiated that meeting. With a weekend looming I'm really struggling and being in the house with some of her stuff still here is just too much. I don't know how I can wait a couple of months.

beks101

Hi OP, this is a really, really tough place to be. Obviously you're envisaging the worst-case scenario of not contacting her and her forgetting about you and moving on with her life, but you really need to just be strong and wait this one out.

'If you love someone, let them go' and all that. If she comes back, it will be in her own time - weeks, months, whatever, and your relationship will be stronger because of it. If she doesn't...well, that's the risk this whole situation runs, but the worst thing you could do right now is disrespect her need for space and start inundating her with texts and calls and demanding answers from her. It will push her further away. Leave her be.

No-one can give you a time-line on this as there isn't one, I'm sure she doesn't even know how long she needs. I would suggest you keep busy over the coming weeks, throw yourself into your hobbies, gym, catch up with family and friends and leave her to do what she has to do. Maybe drop the odd text to let her know you're there and you're thinking of her, but nothing excessive - use this time to catch up on other areas of your life. Best of luck and I hope things work out for you.