Bedroom queries

LegacyUser

I was posting on here a few months ago about a girl I was seeing at that time. Things were going ok but there were a few bumps in the road. In the bedroom I was having issues staying hard and I wasn't sure if this was due to nerves or the fact that I was unsure about how I felt about her. Anyway things kind of came to a head this one night and I decided to end it and I'll be honest, even now, I still think it was the right decision, even though I felt bad.

The thing is though, I hadn't been with a girl before her for years and years and even then, I'd never came with one. With this girl a few months ago, I'd trouble staying hard and she'd start to get upset about that and that made me feel even worse. I'd tell her it wasn't her fault but she'd be completely silent and wouldn't respond. It got to the point where I was starting to stress about the sex thing, wondering were things going to work, wondering was she going to get upset if they didn't. It definitely took a lot of the enjoyment out of it for me as anytime we started to fool around, I couldn't stop thinking about whether things were going to stay up etc. It really became a worry for me anytime we started to fool around.

Anyway it got to the point where one night everything was working, the condom went on and she got on top. I don't mean to be crude but I couldn't feel anything. I knew she was on top, but I literally had no feeling in my d*** at all. So naturally after a min or two, I went soft again. Then she got upset and I felt even worse.

I haven't been with a girl since then and to be honest, the whole thing has left me slightly worried. I haven't really been with that many girls so I've almost no experience to refer to. I don't mean to be crude, but how tight or not is she supposed to be? Should I be able to feel anything around "it"? I was using Durex Performa condoms and I know they've got some sort of gel or lube on them that numbs you or is supposed to make you last longer, but I literally could feel nothing. I then started to wonder if I was the problem and was I not thick enough down there and perhaps this will always be the case no matter who I'm with.

Sorry if this seems a bit vague and I know there's lots of people with much more serious issues than me. I just wanted to get some idea of what to expect or not expect the next time I end up with a girl. At this stage, I don't expect that to be anytime soon but I'm slightly concerned that history might repeat itself.

BTW I know it's not a physiological problem as I've no issues staying hard when I'm by myself etc.

Thanks for reading.

Contessa Raven

Hi OP,

I remember your other thread about this girl.

Maybe next time you are with a girl you could use Durex Fetherlite. Performa has the numbing gel and I have used them with my OH once as they were part of a multipack. He complained of not being able to feel anything too. We didn't use them after this.

Durex Fetherlite are very fine thin condoms designed to allow the most feeling possible while wearing a condom. I use these regularly with my OH and he hasn't complained about them yet. If these don't work then maybe a different brand all together is in order.

CR

dotsman

MrUnreg wrote: »

BTW I know it's not a physiological problem as I've no issues staying hard when I'm by myself etc.

To me, it sounds like the opposite! Because you can stay hard when alone, there's no natural physical issue. Performance anxiety would be the number one suspect here (the Performa might not be helping)

Simple advice? Next time you're with a girl try foreplay. You won't have a condom on (at the start anyway!), and by taking things slowly you can actually "de-stress" yourself and enjoy it. Your hard-on/orgasm is very much controlled by your brain. While she's giving you head/handjob etc, completely empty your mind and just enjoy the sexual moment, and don't worry about it being hard or soft, size or "how long you last" etc.

shellyboo

There's a strong possibility you're too used to stimulating yourself - you've trained yourself to orgasm in a very specific way, and anything else (women, in this case) isn't doing it for you.

It's solved by retraining yourself to respond to different stimuli. Loosen your grip when you masturbate, slow your speed, and if you get with a new girl, stop masturbating altogether until you get used to the 'new' sensation.

anomalous

when you do get with a new girl why dont you try a cock ring they are supposed to make you last longer and stay harder - it does sound kinda psychological to me the foreplay advice was good if you can go slower and relax into it that might help

sounds like your brain is the biggest problem try shutting off when your with someone and just enjoy yourself otherwise the stress will just get to you again

good luck and dont leave it too long before you get back on the bike or it will just be niggeling at your mind in the mean time

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I actually bought a box of Durex Featherlite about a week and a half ago. I met a girl and I thought things were going to progress eventually to that stage but it's obvious now that they aren't. Anyway it won't do any harm to have them there for the future.

As to when I might "get back on the horse" that's anyone's guess. The girl I was with after Christmas was the first girl I'd been with in about 8 years. The Durex Featherlite's have an expiry date of 2014 I think so with a bit of luck it will be long before then.

I think I will take those other tips as well about loosening my grip, going slower etc. I have this stupid thought in my head though at the moment that I'm over thinking things too much and next time I just won't be that turned on and I'll just be like "ah so what, this isn't doing anything for me".

Anyway I'm starting a new sort of fitness push tomorrow. Cutting out the junk, starting to eat healthy, starting to walk more as I want to get my weight down. I haven't told anyone and I don't plan to. I kind of just want to stay off the radar and appear in a years time all lean and fit. But then again I've had that idea thought several times over the years and never stuck to it.

That should keep me focused and maybe take my mind off the sex thing.

LegacyUser

Hi there,
I have been in an extremely similar situation recently, except I was the girl. The same happened to the guy I was with, and the same time frames as well. What strikes me in your story is that she would be upset and all that.

Now forgive me cos I don't know anything about this girl, and how long you guys knew each other etc, but perhaps on top of what has been said already, it might be a good idea next time having someone who you are sure that is going to be very understanding about the situation.

As I said, the very same thing happened with this guy and me, and at any point was I upset, or silent, or anything like that... I knew what was going on cos we talked before about it, so I didn't feel like "I was not sexy enough to turn him on" (which I would say would be the female #1 reason to be frustrated in such situation - yeah, we are all very self-centered...) and I cared for him and for us and really wanted to make it work...

And you know what? Although we only once actually got to proper penetration, it was no "suffering" at all having all the other attempts. On the contrary, it was actually quite erotic and exciting for me: we would spend literally hours playing with each other's body without hurry or pressures... I think it also helped that we communicated with each other well, even during the sex, but in a light friendly way, not a "scientific one"...

I don't know if this makes sense, but that's my two cents...

All the best!

PS. We then grew apart for totally different reasons, and I still hold this time with him as one of the best sex I ever had in my life...and I do consider myself as fairly experienced...

kjl

Take the worry out of it, go to a GP and get a prescription for Viagra, it can be taken in small and large doses, so discuss with your doctor for a correct dosage for you.

It sounds to me like you are suffering from the yips, and I've never had erectile dysfunction but just even reading about it gives me the yips a bit. Lets face it, if your own stimulation can keep you erect, then there is no problem physically, so its all a performance anxiety thing, I read somewhere that even taking about 1/8 of a Viagra 20 minutes before you do you thing can work wonders. Not just because of the drug itself, but the psychological effect too.

As for not feeling anything, yeah totally, has happened to me with one or two bird, and usually in the her on top position, some girls are tighter, some are loser, I find that if you go on top you can control the stimulation a little better, personally I'm always pretty hard so I go on the bottom to slow down sex a little, to prevent me from cuming. so I reckon that's the case. The best advice I can give you is to chillax and stop being so worried about it. You are 99% normal, everyone gets a little stage fright from time to time, but remember the girl will be just a scared too.

Oh, and its normally pretty awkward coming back when you've been out of the game for a while, but just let yourself fall back into it and in no time you will be doing deadly.

I love to hear an upside to this story, so best advice is to go see doc anyway, might as well get the back up.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I did consider some sort of viagra to get me over the hump so to speak, but at the end of the day, I don't need it. I don't think it's as easy as popping into the doctor and saying "I need some viagra as I'm having a few issues" and he dishes out a prescription. I'd imagine there's a fairly intimate exam involved and to be honest, I don't really want to go through that when there's nothing physically wrong.

LegacyUser

I am just wondering - if you are over 40.

The 'aul horn' don't work so well for many guys in their 40s.
It's a kind of male menopause - http://www.lustforlife.ie/

gimme5minutes

MrUnreg wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.

I did consider some sort of viagra to get me over the hump so to speak, but at the end of the day, I don't need it. I don't think it's as easy as popping into the doctor and saying "I need some viagra as I'm having a few issues" and he dishes out a prescription. I'd imagine there's a fairly intimate exam involved and to be honest, I don't really want to go through that when there's nothing physically wrong.

Actually you do need it. Viagra isn't just for physiological problems with getting/maintaining and erection. It is also prescribed for psychological problems. And it's not intended to be a long term solution for guys in your position. You broke up with this girl because of your erection issue which is a catch 22 situation - you have no confidence so can't maintain an erection, you can't maintain an erection so you have no confidence. It's also a downward spiral as each time an encounter goes wrong it makes the next one more stressful and you will have even more trouble getting hard.

If you take a viagra you will be guaranteed to have a serious erection and you will have no problems in the bedroom department. You will likely only need to use it 2 or 3 times and you will have all your confidence back, you'll be comfortable in the bedroom, and you won't need the viagra anymore. It actually will get you 'over the hump' as you put it. Obviously you will need to go to your doctor for his opinion and a prescription but I think you would be mad not too. Viagra was designed to be a cure for physiological and psychological erection problems, which is exactly what you have. You are severely reducing your quality of life if you don't man up and go see the doctor about this and get it sorted once and for all. Some people would love to have a magic bullet for their problems, in your case their actually is one and you just have to go to your doctor to get it. I also highly doubt you will have to go through an intimate exam when you tell him it's down to a psychological issue.

LegacyUser

OP i had the same problem before, i would recommend waiting till you meet someone nice who you'd maybe go out with and take things slowly so that you get to know each other and can work on a problem if there is one.

One night stands will only make things worse in my opinion but i could be wrong there, it would've for me. There is a lot more pressure and some randomer isn't going to be as patient as someone who gives a **** about you

It took me a few days with a girlfriend to get over this then after the first success it never happened again bar after 15 pints

Best of luck